Monday, 23 May 2016

Plus Size Bride


14st 7lb

That is how much I weigh.

You know what? It is just a number. It doesn't show what kind of person I am, whether I am a nice person, a good mother, it CERTAINLY doesn't tell you how healthy I am, or am not.

My weight doesn't define who I am.

My weight doesn't decide what I wear.

My weight certainly didn't decide what I wear on my wedding day.

Look at me and tell me what you see here.





and here,




I felt like a goddamn princess on my wedding day. A goddamn princess with brightly coloured hair and I make NO apologies for my weight, for my hair, or for my attitude.

To the woman who asked me before my big day, "Should you be eating that?" LOOK AT ME and tell me I am not glorious.

My dress needed no alterations before the big day, I didn't want to put any pressure upon myself to "slim down" for my wedding. My husband met me at this weight, proposed to me at this weight and married me at this weight. He loves me for who I am, not numbers on a scale.

He loves my confidence, my happiness within myself and the happiness I have in my own skin.

I did not bow to pressure, or society, or follow magazine articles that give you, Ten Steps To Losing A Shed Load Of Weight For Your Big Day.

FUCK THAT.


Numbers on a scale are irrelevant. Happiness and confidence in yourself are EVERYTHING.

Don't you agree?













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Friday, 22 April 2016

Be A Brick On The Path Of Life


My heroes, all the people that taught me when I was growing up that it is ok to be different, creativity is to be embraced, we don't HAVE to all be the same, we CAN stand out, are slowly dying.

The people that paved the way for a whole generation to accept their differences and not only accept them but be proud of them, are letting go of our hands and telling us that they do not need to lead us any more.

But do you know what that means?

It means that WE now have to take the hands of the generations that come after us and tell THEM to love, respect, appreciate and be proud of who they are. They need to be kind to each other, build others up and not tear people down.

David Bowie taught us that we don't have to fit in. Lemmy showed us we shouldn't judge a book by its cover, Alan Rickman brought us many different characters we could love, hate, fall in love with, Victoria Wood paved the way for women in comedy.

Everyone we have lost, and everyone we will lose in the future, be it a celebrity or family member or friend, lays one more brick on the path to help the generation that comes after.


I don't know what my brick in that path will do yet. But I damn well hope that when it is my time to go, my brick will help someone by smoothing their path in some small way.


Be the best brick that you can be.

Smooth the path of the next generation.


What do you think?



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Wednesday, 20 April 2016

Unsolicited Advice



When are we, as humans, ever going to stop giving unsolicited advice?

Social media is a wonderful, wonderful thing but, DAMN does it make people feel that they have the RIGHT to give their opinions, thoughts feelings on EVERYTHING?


NEWSFLASH. It really doesn't.

If I post pictures of my freshly dyed hair you can guarantee that someone out there will tell me that my hair is going to fall out, that I am DOING IT WRONG, that I shouldn't dye my hair as much. EXCUSE ME BUT NO.

Ask ANY plus size woman who has every posted a picture of their body on a social media platform and they will tell you that the minute they have posted that picture they will have comments that they are fat, unhealthy, and need to do something to change their ways.


Yeah, can we stop that?



Bottle-feeding mothers are told that breast is best in the supermarket, without knowing the situation of either the mother or the child. Now if that aforementioned mother goes up to someone in the aforementioned supermarket and ASKS for someones opinion, they by all means, CRACK ON, otherwise.


AIN'T NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS. 

People tell people they are holding their baby wrong, that they shouldn't wear that clothing because it doesn't flatter them.

NO-ONE ASKED YOU FOR YOUR OPINION. 

I don't wear an item of clothing because it "flatters" me, I wear it because it is my body and I will clothe it how I SEE FIT.

You also do not have the RIGHT to question, or give unsolicited advice to celebrities just because they put a picture out there, and I do not give a flying fuck whether you pre-fix it with "Well, this is just my opinion, but" because NO-ONE ASKED.


Opinions are like penises, it is ok to have one, but please, don't shove it down my throat unless I ask. 

What do you think? Are you fed up with unsolicited advice? Have you experienced this on social media?


Let me know.





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Monday, 18 April 2016

Packed Lunch Boxes And Lost School Shoes, Back To School



So I know that this happened a week ago for a lot of parents out there but FINALLY my beloved crotchfruit have gone back to school. 

This was no half term, this was a big one. Two weeks off, without a care in the world. On the last day of term they threw their uniform to one side in joyous abandon, AND THEN LEFT IT THERE FOR TWO BLOODY WEEKS. 

Seriously, I have spent the this morning answering deep and meaningful questions such as,

"MUMMMMMMMM, Where are my school shoes?"

"Mummmmmmmmmm, have you got a pen I can borrow? A green one?"

and my favourite one so far.

"MUMMMMMMMMMM, I left my packed lunch box in my bedroom next to my bag when I finished school and now it is not there. Have you seen it?"


Wait, what? Somewhere in my house is a packed lunch box, stuffed with possibly half-eaten food, a yoghurt carton and various wrappers? Have I seen it? Part of me hopes I will never see it again. Part of me wonders if that is what has been running around the house at 3am under the floorboards. If the lunchbox has any sense, it will have left, FOR GOOD, because if I catch it, the most humane thing to do is put it out of its misery. I'm not going to open it. It MAY be empty, but I doubt it. 

They had two weeks off, not two months, I found school shoes in the shoe box, you know, the LAST PLACE you would ever look. I signed planners, I gave dinner money, I found a green pen, like a GODDAMN BOSS, and I shoved the 10yr olds lunch in a carrier bag and told her to look in school for her lunch box. Shudder. 


And now they are all safely in school, I am sitting on the sofa with a coffee, there is silence, I do not have to play Monopoly for the next three hours or watch Youtube videos of small brattish children unwrapping toys and then moving on to the next toy and unwrapping that. I do not have to pretend to understand my 14 yr olds homework on genetics, and you know what?



It is bloody blissful, 


Don't you think?


Let me know. 

Also, if anyone sees an Owl Lunchbox, don't open it. 



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Monday, 11 April 2016

50 Shades Of Teal



I feel like every post that I write about my upcoming wedding needs to be prefixed with,

"I am no Bridezilla, but.........."

Now, I am no Bridezilla, but why the hell are there so many goddamn shades of colours that DO NOT MATCH each other and look nothing like the shade they are on photographs or online.

Was that a tad too Bridezilla?

(Think extremely carefully before answering that one)




So the colour scheme of my wedding is teal, (Perhaps now, you have that information, you can stop asking my children for information. Just saying.)  Now, in 2016, I do not consider teal to be an unusual colour for a wedding. I'm not the first bride ever to choose teal. I don't get to name the bloody colour because I found it or created it, it is teal. TEAL.

And yet, WHY IS IT, that there are, approximately three thousands shades of the damn colour and not one of them matches each other?

Picture the scene.

So the wonderful shop assistant takes me over to the napkin aisle.

"And here we have some beautiful teal napkins"

And the bride in my head screams.

"THIS IS A GODDAMN LIE, THEY ARE FUCKING BLUE AND I WILL NOT HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT IT." 

whilst I smile sweetly and say, "They aren't EXACTLY the shade I am looking for"

The shop assistant looks confused.

"But they are teal"

OH BITCH YOU DIDN'T.

(Is now the right time to insert another Bridezilla disclaimer? )

It is simple, I do not want to walk around with a Pantone chart in my bag. I shouldn't HAVE TO. There should be a standard colour, if it is teal, it is fucking teal. Not blue, not green, NOT AQUA or goddamn JADE. it is teal. TEAL.

Even Google doesn't understand what Teal is,



What fresh hell is this, Google? You aren't helping here. These cannot ALL be teal. Because if they are, I GIVE UP. I JUST GIVE UP. I am picking up all my teal coloured toys, and throwing them out of my teal coloured pram.

Stick it, Google. Stick it colour charts. STICK IT.

Look, I am sure I cannot be the first bride to experience this lack of uniformity in colour or be completely exasperated by the difference? 50 Shades of pink? blue? silver? Did you know that there are many, many, MANY shades of silver. It is SILVER. For the love of Pantone, Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?


I don't WANT to be a Bridezilla, but am I wrong? It isn't me, is it? It is SOCIETY, driving me to the edge of bridezilladom and then TIPPING ME OVER THE BLOODY EDGE.

Isn't it?

ISN'T IT?


Let me know.




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Thursday, 7 April 2016

Sleep Nice, Be Nice,



Oh look, I finally sat down in front of a computer for long enough to write some sentences, GO ME.


Right, Are you sitting comfortably? We shall begin.


Back at the beginning of March, I accepted a challenge from those lovely people at www.bedguru.co.uk who are an online bed retailer. Check them out, click the link, then they can see lots of fabulous traffic coming from me to them and think that I am a wonderful blogger and not one who hasn't blogged in about three weeks, is stressed to hell and has her head so deep in a wedding journal that the only way to drag me out is to wave a wedding cake in front of me.


But I digress.


So Bed Guru decided to run a campaign called, Sleep Nice, Be Nice, which involved me making a conscious effort to get 7.5hrs sleep a night and note how it affected my mood. I was also asked to do nice things for others to see if that also increased my overall well-being.


So, anyone who knows me knows that I get on average between 5-6 hrs sleep a night, and I can be a RIGHT MARDY COW at the best of times. I don't suffer from insomnia, I just spend all day tired, walking around like an extra from The Walking Dead, until midnight when I turn into a character from Frozen who wants to explore, sing and really experience the world in all it's glory. I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY.

I mean, LOOK AT THIS.




My problem is then that I was so tired during the day that about 2pm I would crash and burn and need a nap, meaning that I wasn't tired of a night time. 

I am basically a toddler, I need discipline and someone to tuck me in of an evening, I NEED ROUTINE. 


So over the two weeks, I TRIED to sleep longer each night, I have to do the school run in the morning, meaning I get up at 7.15am so if I had any chance of hitting my target each night I was going to have to go to bed before midnight. 


LOL. 


Ok, so I TRIED, I started to go to bed earlier each night and Bed Guru linked me to their page with lots of hints, tips and tricks to help me get more sleep. http://www.bedguru.co.uk/goodnight-guru
but it was HARD. one night I decided that I was going to crack it once and for all and went to bed at 10pm, only to lay awake for hours, very online me and then have my body wake me up at the ridiculous time of 6am. I could have cried. Genuinely, I do not think I was a very nice person that day. Sorry Bed Guru. 

But I persevered, I found the second week a LOT easier, I wasn't hitting 7.5 every night but my fitbit showed me that I was getting more and more sleep each night and I stopped napping during the day. This meant I was less tired during the day, meaning I could spend more time during the day being a little ray of sunshine and being NICE. 


Thanks to Bed Guru for inviting me to take part in this challenge, I cannot guarantee I will be able to keep up the good sleep but I am definitely more mindful of the link between sleeping nice, and being nice.  

Do you have any tips and tricks I can use to become a better person when I am awake? 

How good are you in bed? 

Let me know.





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Tuesday, 15 March 2016

A Sanitary Suggestion



Marketing companies, Advertising companies, pull up a chair, because I have an idea for you for you next sanitary product commercial that I think you need to hear.

At the moment, every advert to do with periods involves the ability to make a piece of bleached cotton suddenly make me forget the agony and pain of my menstrual cramps, takes away my spots and my uncanny ability to go from calm and in control to sobbing over a cow and its calf in about three seconds flat and basically turns me into a superwoman.

Now, lets face it. Unless you are dipping those tampons in either Nutella, (Other chocolate spreads available) or  Ibroprofen, the simple act of shoving one of your products up my foof is not going to turn me into a roller-blading, adrenaline junkie who likes long walks and tight clothes, is it?




So listen up advertising agencies. picture the scene.


The woman, (in her 30s) is laying on the sofa, it is not the weekend, her knees are up to her chest and she is rocking with stomach cramps, she has not brushed her hair and the sofa is surrounded by crispy packets, biscuit wrappers and (hang on, let me see what else I am surrounded by) empty cups of coffee. She has dragged the duvet to the sofa and basically at that moment, feels like shit.

Suddenly, you see the look of alarm on her face, UH-OH, she is flooding. (Oh don't flinch, it happens to us all) she doesn't know whether to move or not. Should she do that knees together run to the bathroom, even though it is probably too late? This is a flood of biblical proportion, SHARK WEEK has truly caused devastation. BUT NO. She looks into the camera. The camera pans round, you notice, OH MY GOD YOU NOTICE THAT SHE IS WEARING WHITE PYJAMAS. OH HOLY FUCK, IS THE DUVET WHITE TOO? SHIIIIIIIT, WHO BUYS A WHITE SOFA,

She throws back the duvet and gets up to go to the toilet and there is not a stain or a mark to be seen.

Every woman in the country goes wild. YOU GO GIRL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING? they ask. It becomes a trending topic for weeks.

A sanitary product that doesn't ruin several bed sheets, pieces of underwear, jeans, every month? ADVERTISING COMPANIES, we do not give a flying fuck about whether we can Roller-blade, horse-ride or travel across the world when we are on our period. but show us that your product stops it from being "Leaky week" and you guys, you guys will have a HOT PRODUCT on your hands.



Ladies, what do you think?



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