Thursday, 12 January 2017

STOP TELLING WOMEN WHAT TO DO



Ok, I am in shock. Apparently, as a woman. I have been doing Facebook ALL WRONG!!


Who knew? I didn't, did you? Now thankfully, Andy Hill, of The Metro, is here to tell us, where and how, women are doing Facebook all wrong.

What WOULD WE DO WITHOUT HIM? 

I will link to the attempt to be controversial article at the bottom of my post if you feel like wasting a click, but if you don't, I GOT YOU BOO, let me summarise Andy's thoughts.


Firstly, women, we must stop saying it is "Wine O'Clock" Apparently, there is no such time.
Andy, THANK GOD FOR YOU. I genuinely thought that this was a real time and that I HAD to partake of a Shiraz at a certain time of the evening. But wait,  Andy then goes ahead and gives us permission to neck a bottle of wine for breakfast if we want to. I think Andy is a dick.


Next, Andy suggests we stop it with the snapshots of mediocre food. Oh he then wittily adds a picture of what looks like a turd on a plate just to really hammer home what mediocre food it. Andy is such a card.


Passive aggressive status updates are next on the list for Andy. Newsflash Andy, This is not exclusively done by women. Some of the post passive aggressive statements on social media are by men. (Cough, Donald Trump, cough)  Also Andy drops in that we must stop mentioning when we are going to have/have just had a friend cull. AGAIN, this is not just women. Anyone else starting to think that Andy has a problem with women?


Andy turns his attention to women firstly showing off and then moaning about their kids next. I worry that Andy has far too much time on his hands. At this point, may I suggest that Andy needs to deactivate HIS Facebook, or have a cull. He doesn't even have to announce he is having a cull. he can just do it. I recommend it. The poor man is obviously STRESSED OUT by social media, and women, He is REALLY stressed out by women. (I think Andy is single, or has recently been dumped)




Do you know what I am sick of, Andy from The Metro?  I AM SICK of MEN/MEDIA/EVERYONE trying to tell women what they should or shouldn't do. From what we WEAR, to what we post on Facebook. Somewhere out there, there will be a concerned MAN, telling us that we are doing it WRONG. ALL WRONG. "HERE IS HOW YOU SHOULD DO IT WOMEN, Let me show you the CORRECT WAY to do it. THIS is the way I WANT you to do it.


FUCK OFF, I am SICK of it. Absolutely sick of it. It is MY body, My Facebook, My rules. I will live my life MY WAY. I don't live my life for men, so I will NOT run it the way they want me to.




How about you?


*I did say I would link to the original article at the bottom but you know what. Fuck it, I am not giving them the satisfaction of click through traffic or a link. They can do one. Google it.







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Tuesday, 10 January 2017

I Don't Like Mondays



Can I just fill you in on my Monday Morning? My apologies, this is probably REALLY self-indulgent but I need to share.


My alarm goes off at 7am Monday. It's the start of a new week, fresh beginnings and all that bollocks and I am going to grab Monday by the scruff of the neck and make it my bitch, RIGHT?

I hit the alarm on my phone and my phone goes skidding off the bedside table, onto the laminated floor with a crash that is so hard that just for a second, I pray that the crack was my ankle bone or something.

I jump out of bed, Sweet JESUS, the floor is so cold that I wonder if I have been pranked by being airlifted to the Arctic overnight. I fumble for my slippers, WHICH AREN'T THERE, and gently scoop up my phone with more tenderness than when any of my children have fallen down.

THE PHONE IS OK,  People, it is ok. I don't know where my slippers are and my house is freezing but the phone is not broken. By the way,  did the temperature drop by 30 degrees overnight? Who knows. I stumble up the stairs in search of liquids to fuel me (Coffee) the dog follows behind me, bashing me out of the way, making me wonder, just for a second, whether that bargain with God, my phone for my ankle, was such a good idea, AND I AM BLOODY FREEZING. I put the kettle on, (It's not my colour, so I take it off again) and go out for a quick cigarette to warm up outside.

The dog just stands there shaking like a leaf, panting like Donald Trump backstage at Miss World. Oh, Jesus, the dog has a mighty erection. It is 7am in the morning, Ain't no-one got time for this. I go in, pour the coffee, the dog trails in behind me, dripping on the floor boards. AND IT IS STILL COLD. grabbing my coffee, I check the thermostat, it says the room is 13 degrees and it is heating it up to 20, currently. I BEG TO FUCKING DIFFER.

I turn to the dog, he can't look me in the eye and I am trying to ONLY look in his eyes. This isn't going to work. He needs a distraction. I give him a jumbone to gnaw on (What? It works for me) whilst I go and check the radiators. Nope the radiators are not on. Which kinds sucks because I put a load of washing over the radiator last night, INCLUDING MY ONLY GOOD BRA, and it is all still wet.


ONE BRA? I hear you gasp, You dirty tramp, how do you manage to only have ONE bra? Well let me tell you. I am a 36GG, Those babies are NOT cheap, and for some reason, they all decided to end their lives at around about the same time over xmas. When I say end their lives, I mean by trying to end mine. That sudden stabbing pain in the rib case the NHS tell you to worry about. BRA WIRES. Over the last few weeks I have been impaled on more bra wires than...... well, we will just leave that one there. suffice to say, I am hand washing my bra of a night and hanging it over the radiator to dry. EXCEPT THE RADIATOR IS NOT ON, and now my bra is soaking wet, AND I AM FREEZING, and the dog's erection has still not gone down, and has anyone seen my Foundation?


Ah, yes, the foundation problem. I am currently riding out a Kidney infection that has left me feeling, (looking) like crap. If I have to work through it, I'm damn well going to look the best I can, rather than look as if I was dug up, fresh this morning. But I cannot find my foundation, and my bra is still wet and the radiators are not working and Oh god, we have no hot water!!!!! AND THE DOG STILL HAS AN ERECTION.


Fuck this shit. I put on the bra, (If watching me do that, isn't enough to make the dog lose his erection then I am bang out of ideas) I throw on some clothes, There is nothing in the house to make packed lunches, there is a scream of laughter from the living room. Oh joy, the ten year old is up and has noticed the dog's penis. I distract her by telling her we now live in the Arctic, she realises it is cold and goes to get dressed, still giggling like a.....well, ten year old.

By now, my bra is starting to freeze. Which means I now have icicles for tits. If I ever need a Gladiators name, it is going to be 'Ice Tits. I think the cold started going to my brain at this point. Did I make coffee? Has the dog's erection began to subside? He is nearly 15, I'm worried about his heart at this point. I throw him another Jumbone and make another coffee, pressing it against my bra to try to warm myself up a bit. The coffee, not the dog's erection.


It's raining, of course it is raining. This is a good thing though, it means I can have my hood up and not scare any neighbourhood children before 9am. (I like to save that treat for Lunchtime) I see off two children, I walk the other one to school, on the way back from the school, a car drives past and splashes me with cuddly puddle water.


The only part of me that is now dry, is my bra.




And that was my Monday.




How was yours?




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Monday, 9 January 2017

New Year, Same Old Me- A rant



Happy New Year, NOW CHANGE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE HORRIBLE, YOU ARE FAT/UGLY/UNFIT/JUST WRONG.

January marketing by brands, right there.


Let us get one thing straight here. Brands do not have YOUR best interests at heart. They do not care about how you look, about how you feel, or whether you are in a good place. Brands care about selling products. They care about the bottom line, their profit. That is the be all, and end all.

And if they have to make you hate yourself to get you to spend money, then some companies will do it.

January is always a time for change, companies know that. Weight loss, exercise, people get on the treadmill (See what I did there?) to reinvent themselves, and if you are going to do that, you are going to need, exercisegearyogamattrainersdietfoodnewclotheslipstickbiggerhousewithagardenpuppieshealthymealsskippingropedumbellslowcaloriealcoholalcoholfreealcoholmorelipstick. You get the idea?

and by god, they are going to sell you this stuff. Stuff you didn't even want, hell you didn't even know that you didn't want it until you were told that you needed to change yourself in January, reinvent yourself, BECAUSE IT IS JANUARY, the time of change, the time to LOSE THAT WEIGHT.


I want brands out there to tell me I am perfect how I am, I want brands that teach me how to love myself, to treat myself BECAUSE I am already worth it.

Any campaign that begins with New Year, New You. Is just telling you that you are NOT OK as you are. That you need to change. And quite frankly, I am SICK of this bullshit. Bored of this tired marketing that says you are worthless as you are. It needs to stop. This world is sick, it is full of hatred, for each other and for ourselves.



There HAS to be a better way,


Don''t you agree?


Are you sick and tired of being told you need to change yourselves to be worthy, what examples have you seen this January of brands being shitty in order to make you spend money.



Let me know your thoughts.





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Wednesday, 21 December 2016

You Are Not Alone - 2016

Christmas can be the best of times and for some, it can be the worst. We all need a little help at Christmas, even if it is just someone to say you can do this. I share these numbers every year, and I will continue to do so every year,  just to remind everyone. 


You Are Not Alone. 





MIND


Tel No   0300 123 3393

Samaritans


Tel No      116 123 

Alcoholics Anonymous



Tel No     0800 9177650 

Stonewall

Website    www.stonewall.org.uk

Info line 08000 50 20 20 


London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

Tel No    0207 837 7324


SANELine

Website   www.sane.org.uk

Tel No     0300 304 7000



Papyrus, Prevention of young suicide


Website  www.papyrus-uk.org 



National self-help body for the Transgender community

Beaumont Society

Website http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk

Information Line 01582 412220


Childline



Depression Alliance



Refuge

Website   www.refuge.org.uk

Tel No     0808 2000 247



Beat
Beating eating disorders.



Help line 0345 634 1414
Youth Line 0345 634 7650


Shelter

Tel No    0808 800 4444


NHS Non-Emergency Number

111


No Panic


Tel No  0844 967 4848

Youth helpline     01753 840393


Mens Advice Line 

Support line for male victims of Domestic Violence

0808 8010327

https://www.mensadviceline.org.uk


I will see you all in 2017




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Wednesday, 14 December 2016

Keeping Your Pet Safe At Christmas.



As a pet owner, christmas is full of opportunities to dress up your pet in christmas hats and jumpers for fun, right?


(He was as unimpressed as he looks) 


But we need to remember that Christmas can be full of dangers for pets that don't involve bad fashion.

How many of us have, in the past, given the dog the leftovers from Christmas dinner? Let the cat lick the plate? Or let the hamster run amok through the Christmas tree? It is easily done, right?

The RSPCA have created a handy infographic to help you keep your pet safe and happy this christmas. For example, did you know? Onion gravy can be toxic to dogs? Or that Christmas cake contains raisins that aren't suitable for dogs. It is so easy to forget, or just think that a small bit won't hurt.


It can.

A visual guide to a happy Christmas for pets




It may well be that the problem isn't with the feeding, but with your pet getting stressed over the christmas period. Dogs and Cats do not always respond well to changes in their routine. The RSPCA have created a section on their website to help owners keep pets calm this christmas. You can read more here.  Keeping Pets Calm At Christmas 


Do you have any handy tips and tricks to help keep your pet calm and safe over Christmas? 


Let me know. 



*Disclaimer. This post was created in conjunction with the RSPCA
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Tuesday, 13 December 2016

Deep Moisturising Collection Giveaway with Mane 'N Tail



If you have never heard of Mane 'N Tail then you are missing a trick. This shampoo and conditioner was originally used on HORSES before two horse owners decided that they were going to try it out for themselves. They told their friends, who told their friends, and the rest, as they say, is history.





What I can tell you about this product is, my hair has NEVER looked so good. I have recently bleached it again and you would NEVER be able to tell, my hair feels glossy and swishy and not dry at all. (I also have developed a craving for hay..... Ok, I haven't really)


But this guy below has.






I have teamed up with my friends at Mane 'N Tail to give you the chance to win the WHOLE Deep Moisturising collection, which contains, Shampoo, Conditioner and a Hair Strengthener as well as a Hand and Nail cream.





Deep Moisturising has never been so deep, or so...............moisturising.



So enter below, I highly recommend it, and if you aren't lucky enough to win, check out Mane 'N Tail for yourself, it is stocked in Boots and other places, and let me know what you think.






a Rafflecopter giveaway






Terms & Conditions
You can enter via rafflecopter below. This competition will be open for one week from 13th of December and is open to UK entrants only. The winner will be contacted by email and the prize will come directly from the PR company. If the winner does not respond after one week, it will be redrawn. No alternatives will be offered and the winner will be chosen at random via Rafflecopter

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Monday, 12 December 2016

24 hours with, A ST Style Columnist



7.45am     Wake up, Check all my social media platforms, not much interaction yet. maybe I should tweet something controversial so I can write a column about bullying on social media?


8.45am      Still nothing, I said that puppies were arseholes and still no hate. Time to upload a picture to my personal profile that says "No Haterz please"


9.45am.     Start a column.


9.47am      Finish the column.


10.01am    Create tweet saying about how hard I work and share 15 replies all agreeing with me.


10.15am.   Still no hate. What on earth am I going to write about tomorrow?


10.30am    Think, WWLJD (What Would Liz Jones Do/)


10.35am    I create new column belittling bloggers and stereotyping them all as airheads.
That should court controversy and debate.


10.37am     I finish column.


12.00pm    Yes, finally. I have received tweets debating my column, calling me out for my stereotyping. I ignore all the ones that say how I am in the wrong, and reply to everyone who agrees with me, thanking them for their support at this hard time.


12.30pm    Lock down account for half an hour, whilst tweeting about how much hatred I am receiving and how abuse on twitter should not be tolerated. I block a few people as well, that always stirs it up a little bit more.


1.00pm     Creates new article about online bullying and the distress it has caused me.


Go home and chill. LOL Mission accomplished.








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