Thursday, 24 June 2010

Sit Boy.




Many people have asked me recently, "Oh Big Fashionista, how can we be just like youuuuuuuu?"

(Ok, They're not asking me that, but in my head, that is what I hear ok?)


Many people have asked me the secret to a long happy relationship. (I have been with my partner for 15 years, since I was 19 and we have 3 beautiful children together)


Today, I have given in and am going to share with you the secret.


Like your momma once told you, ALL MEN ARE DOGS.


Ok, now obviously I don't mean they shit on the carpet and spend all day licking their balls (Hands up who is now thinking about an ex who DID used to do that? At least I hope they're an ex!!)


If you have ever owned a dog you know how stressful the training is of a brand new excitable puppy, they are fun, cute, easily pleased but love your attention. Now replace puppy with new boyfriend. (You are all nodding here aren't you) The puppy stage is exciting, you never get bored of throwing that ball, stroking that fur even watching it sleep saying "aahhhhhh it's so cute" You don't even think about the training, other than teaching it to wee outside and walking to heel. (The walking to heel trick works equally well with puppies AND boyfriends, that should always be the FIRST lesson) But without proper training, soon your cute little "puppy" is going to turn into a DOG.


The first lesson is "walking to heel" Obviously you don't want your puppy/boyfriend running off down the road humping some strangers leg now do you?


With a puppy, you can put it on a lead (and i'm sure that probably works for some boyfriends too but you might want to save that for the bedroom and not walking down the High Street) But with a new boyfriend it's harder. you have to make it so that they want to be by your side. Maybe a burger in your bag, or even a nice smelling perfume or a conversation about something that he is really into. (A small point here, I am not suggesting you become a doormat and pander to his every whim. Have opinions, your own. Don't be afraid to disagree. What you are looking for is a well-trained PARTNER, an equal who doesn't even realise that you spent months training him) After a while he will want to stay by your side to hear what you have to say (Or eat the burger) and then you have a handy bag-carrying boyfriend.



Another game that puppy/boyfriend will love is Fetch. You can incorporate this game into training quite easily. When you throw a ball to a puppy and order it to fetch, not only are you wearing out the little blighter but you are teaching it that you reward good work.


REWARDS are the mainstay of training. Your puppy soon learns that it won't do anything unless there is something in it for them, be it a fuss, a treat or even a belly rub (you can see the point i'm trying to make here can't you?) But you musn't over-reward with food. No-one likes a fat puppy, (or boyfriend, ok some do but thats a whole other blog post on James Corden I am yet to write)


When a puppy brings back the ball you can see that it is so anxious to have pleased you that its little tail just wags with excitement. You should show the puppy you are happy, go totally overboard on the fact that the puppy has brought you back a saliva soaked ball and the silly little mutt will bring you back the ball forever. (Once more, replace puppy with boyfriend, and saliva soaked ball with chocolates or jewellery)



SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS are important. Some people never let their puppy sleep on the bed. Some people do, whatever works for you is fine. So long as your puppy/boyfriend knows that it is YOUR bed and you reserve the right to kick him out at ANY time. (especially if he hogs the covers and snores)


PUNISHMENT. If your naughty puppy has ruined your carpet then some people suggest rubbing its nose in it. For your boyfriend the same rules apply. If he has ruined not only the carpet but the whole relationship then why not rub his nose in it too? Give yourself a set time to be upset, eat chocolate, bitch about his small man parts with your friends on facebook and then MOVE ON. That is the healthiest way of rubbing his nose in it ever.

So that is my secret to a long happy relationship. It's all in the training. And the best bit is they will never know. (And if your cute as a puppy boyfriend does turn into a dog? welllllllll, you could always leave him by the side of the road and drive off can't you?)

Big Fashionista x x

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7 comments

  1. I love it! Excellent work. Oooh that was fun!

    Ree
    XXX

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  2. ood point and well made. But, I wish to point out that it's the same for us men too. Sometime in life our cute new little lady puppies will turn into much larger bitches. Swings and roundabouts, ladies. Swings and roundabouts. ;o) xxx

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  3. LOL That's awesome! Love the post. And love plazarus' comment just as much!

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  4. With the consent of the author, I shall contribute regularly to give the much (un)desired male perspective.

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  5. Both of our puppydogs are pretty perfect, a little training here and there in the early days but they have also taught us a thing or two I'm sure (we just don't like to admit it hee hee).

    Being a kitty girl however, I like to think of my BF more as a tomcat though, be it a home-loving neutered one ;)

    J x

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  6. Thanks for all the comments guys. Much appreciated.

    Paul you are always more than welcome to give your male perspective. You usually do anyway x

    the style rawr. Lol at the neutered tom cat bit :-)

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  7. Love this. I need to take this on board. I have been failing on all counts here and yet when you relate it to dogs, it all makes so much more sense. I am especially liking the 'burger in your bag' idea *runs off to Burger King*

    I shall keep you informed of my progress.

    Did I mention I loved this?

    ReplyDelete

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