Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Calling all football widows.

Not every man loves football, but If your other half is one of the ones that does then hold on tight girlfriend, because the football season is upon you once again.

If you don't know your Arsenal from your elbow then listen up, I am going to give you a few tips to make you look like the perfect partner.

(If you are a female that LOVES football, please don't leave me a whiny comment saying that I'm being sexist and some women love football, I know that, I'm one of them)

Questions NOT to ask your Football mad partner.

1) Who's the hottie in the red top? He's gorgeous isn't he?

Lets face it, he is never going to admit that another man is good looking-EVER. You are NOT "connecting" here, you can't mash together football and a girlie chat and think that you will come out of this closer than you have ever been before. If you HAVE to ask someone if the hottie in the red is as good looking as you think he is, ask a girlfriend. On a similar note, If your man asks you to pick some players for his "Dream Team" The form he asks you to study is not their legs and arse.

2) Is that guy not so-and-so's boyfriend?

He doesn't care what "his" boys do during the week. whether they have appeared in Heat magazine as "Torso of the week" for the last 3 weeks running or if they are dating your favourite model. (If it helped them score goals be under no illusion, you would be parcelled up and sent to the training ground quicker than you can say Sunday roast)

3) Does that football shirt come in any other colours?

I will tell you this once. (listen up at the back) there are men (and women) who will gladly lay down their lives for their team. The badge on that shirt is basically their first love, you come a close second (hopefully) but you can never hope to beat that first love. Ask a man where you were when you had your first kiss and I bet he has to think hard before answering. Ask him about the first match he attended and I bet he can tell you who they were playing, who scored and probably who got man of the match. The shirt comes in 2 colours-HOME & AWAY.

4) Can you explain the off-side rule to me once more?
Ok football-hating-shopping-loving ladies and men out there. I have a foolproof way of explaining this to you in a way that you will never forget.

Picture the scene, you are shopping with a group of your bestest girls when you spot a chance to score (some cheap Jimmy Choos) But just as you spot this, another woman from another group breaks away from the pack and tries to head you off from your bargain so someone else can get them (She is the "defender") you race and are neck and neck to reach the bargains when you suddenly realise you don't have your purse. You shout to the member of your team with the purse to "pass it" and she gently lobs you the purse.

Are you clear up to here?

Because this is where it gets tricky.

So your girl is trying an excellent pass and the purse should be heading in your direction ready for you to score. But you can ONLY complete this move if were not ahead of the "defender of shoes" when the purse was thrown. If you were-it's game over, Those shoes are now someone elses to love-as you were OFF-SIDE But if you were behind or neck and neck with the last "defender" then it is SCOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Got that?

Excellent work.

5) Will you come shopping with me Saturday afternoon?

No, no he won't. If he can't watch it on Sky, he can listen to it on the radio, If he can't listen on the radio he will teletext it. Just go out, go shopping and enjoy your Saturday afternoon of peace. It's Ok, he can fill you in later on what you missed when you watch Match of the Day TOGETHER.

All men who are into football are programmed with this saying by Bill Shankly (Look him up) from birth. You ladies can't fight it-better to just roll with it.

"Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that."

Big Fashionista x x

ps, i'm a Chelsea fan and have been so since a baby, I've stood at Stamford Bridge, I've sat at Stamford Bridge. I am Blue through and through x x


  1. urgh! not Chelsea! I'm a Liverpool fan who used to go & watch Spurs when I lived in London - I think I saw them win once....

  2. I love your way of explaining the offside rule! Really made me giggle :) excellent post!x

  3. Liverpool - born and bred.

    The 2004/5 Champions League Final was the best game of football ever played - anywhere - and the best night of my football-loving life.


    Blues are my second team - as in Liv v Che - come on the reds - but Che v Ars - come on the Blues.

    But - and this is VERY important: Death to Man U. Without reservation.

  4. Great post! Even as a football fan (I've been a Sheffield Wednesday season ticket holder for 16 years) this made me chuckle.

    I would thoroughly recommend www.kickette.com for the ladies who appreciate both the game itslef and also the players - after BBC 606 its the first site I check in the morning :)

  5. The timing of this post was perfect I am a football widow (have been to a couple of Liverpool games and a Blackpool match at Wembley although not the recent Premiership upgrade match!) But I like the football season, sometimes I just get the chance to chill out on match days!

  6. Fab post! I'm sure your description of the off-side rule should be shared with every football widow!
    I personally don't mind the footie - am an Arsenal supporter so we'll have to agree to disagree on some things. I have tons of extra brownie points from OH's friends as I won our Fantasy Football comp last year, beating OH into second and so much derision!!
    Tracey x


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