Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Children; a scientific study.

For those of you who don't have children, I'm giving you a free pass (go and have a spa day or a pedicure or something relaxing) you really don't want to read this, especially if you are thinking of spawning sometime in the future.

If you are still here, you are either a parent, pregnant or basically just want to see where I am going with this. (I'll let you know as soon as I know myself)

Tis the 6 weeks helli-days and I have been observing my children as if they are a small pack of Howler monkeys (I thought it was apt) and I am now ready to bring you my preliminary results.

Look how cute they are, don't they make you want to go Ahhhhhhhhhh?
First mistake, don't be fooled by the cuteness, The Howlers are designed to look cute while bleeding you dry financially-You have been warned.

The "pack" begin their day individually, only coming together for the sharing of what is commonly known as "breakfast" During this meal they usually communicate in grunts to show their emotions. (Apparently teen howler monkeys lose all other means of communication and can ONLY communicate this way)

After this communal meal the Howler monkeys usually begin the long standing ritual which is to annoy & confuse the pack leader (That's me that is) in a daring attempt to challenge their authority.

While there is no educational distraction for the Howlers for the next couple of weeks they have turned to the pack leader to amuse them, But it seems no matter what she does, NOTHING, I mean NOTHING distracts and amuses the Howler monkeys for long.

Arguments are rife in the Howler monkey world, they seem to thrive on them. In fact a day without arguments in the Howlers world rarely exist. It is as if they need to argue to find their position in the pack and are CONSTANTLY jostling for prime position.

I have noted that Howler monkeys like to play, A trip to the park with small Howler monkeys usually involve the pack leader performing the "eyes in the back in the head trick" as one Howler monkey runs one way, one the other and the other Howler monkey announces that they need a poo! (Can someone PLEASE put some toilets into parks, I don't feel I am asking for too much here)

Another skill that the Howler monkeys possess is the endless capacity to eat. A small Howler monkey can consume their own weight in chocolate or crisps if given the chance, It doesn't matter how high you place the food out of their reach, Howler monkeys can sniff out treats in seconds (This also applies to birthday and christmas presents that you have hidden, but NOT to their shoes)

The sleeping patterns of a Howler monkey cannot be recorded correctly. It seems that my records are incomplete. My research shows that the later the Howler monkey goes to bed, the earlier they rise the next morning. This is unexplainable and requires more detailed research. (Research involving them going to bed about 7pm I think)

The grooming of a Howler monkey leaves a lot to be desired, with their natural aversion to water (and soap) the male Howler monkey goes through a phase of avoiding the bathroom completely in their teens (Which is very lucky as the female Teen Howler monkey goes through a stage of never leaving the bathroom)

This research is ongoing and I will continue to observe the habits of the Howler monkeys for as long as I can, Or until I crack and have them put in the Zoo-Anyone want to tell me how much longer of the school holidays are left?

Big Fashionista (Pack leader)


  1. Firstly I have to admit that I don’t have children (apart from a god daughter) and really don’t plan to have any either. Why am I commenting you may ask well my friends have children. And I have to say I just don’t know how families are able to afford to do anything apart from eat. Just found out that after the age of 2 babies/children have to pay adult fare. My friend is holidaying in Blackpool and that’s going to cost £600 for her hubby and 3 children under 10. I personally thought that was ridiculously expensive considering she won’t be leaving the country, but apparently that’s cheap, due to it being the helli-days season. So I take my hat off to you, how you all stay sane and not bankrupt I will never know.

  2. Brilliant observation skills there lol. x

  3. well done zoo keeper ! xxx very funny xx

  4. Luvfashionista I know what you mean about holidays, plus on top of all the holiday costs, Howler monkeys demand money for fruit machines, toys and occasionally food!!!
    They are just a drain on resources really-Lucky they are cute.

    Nicoletta & Gemjar Thanks ladies x x x

  5. When they reach teen monkey years the females of the species develop a herd instinct which sees them move in droves towards Top Shop. Here they move around in a frenzy, before standing in a very long line. Upon reaching the front of the line they must hand over money earned caring for smaller monkeys ('baby sitting'). In return they are given a bag containing a scrap of fabric that supermonkey Kate Moss once drew on the back of an envelope. This is called an 'outfit'. Teen monkey rules dictate that it can only be worn once, before being deemed 'boring'.

  6. LOL at Adele.

    Well I cant top that-throws down pen and takes the night off :-)


    I laughed my head off all the way, so much that I had to read it to hubby as well, and he loved it too!


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