Monday, 13 September 2010

Wagabee Seminar-For all aspiring WAGS.

Wagabee- A Wannabe Wag, someone who aspires to be "just like them girls on TV"



Hi there. Are you here for the Wannabe Wag seminar?


Fabulous. Coats go to your left, decency goes to your right and if you don't mind dropping your morals in that HUGE pile over there, we shall begin.



So you want to be a WAG?

You dream about it, you plan for it. In fact it has taken over your WHOLE life. You cruise all the hottest nightclubs, squealing like an Alexander McQueen clad micro pig when you hear on the Wagabee grapevine that there is a VIP arriving shortly. You fantasize about how your life will be when you have snared the wallet (I mean, man) of your dreams.


For the small fee you paid at the door. (All of these souls will come in handy one day) Let me show you how you can obtain this.





First Lesson.

Treat your body like a temple. Some women think that their brain is the way forward. A proper wagabee will leave her brain behind with her knickers on a night out and use her body as her weapon. As with any soldier of fortune on a mission you must keep your weapons clean, tidy and on display at all time. You never know when you may be asked to draw your weapons (Put the pencil down, blondie at the back) Your body is your way in, the way you will keep your footballer man and what you will use in Nuts, The News of The World and Zoo magazine after he has dumped you and you choose to sell your story. Don’t forget also that most footballers are colour blind and can only see the colour orange, most WAGs have painted themselves this colour and Wagabees have adopted this approach to make them more noticeable.





Second Lesson

Forget everything you have learnt. Now I can see that this won’t be hard for most of you, but some of you girls look as if you can survive if you run out of pinkies and piggies to count on and you girls are DANGEROUS. No footballer wants to discuss how a Conservative/Lib Dem collaboration will affect the social and economic climate in a ………….You girl, sleeping at the back. You WILL go far…… Go to the top of the class.



Third Lesson


Less is more, clothes, brains, morals. When a footballer is choosing his mate for the evening he is led by one thing and one thing alone. And for that evening you ARE the chosen one. He does not want to know your life story. (chances are he doesn’t even want to know your name) and that’s OK. A true Wagabee never asks questions, NEVER makes any demands and is ALWAYS available. If you are very lucky he will let you meet his friends too. These are the people he expects you to impress. So you may want to carry some extra condoms in your purse in preparation for this happening.



Fourth Lesson


Friends are important in life-EXCEPT if you are a Wagabee, then most of the time they are a hindrance. Unless you have a friend with which you don’t mind getting it on with a bit with. Take her with you whenever you wish to snare a footballer. (Fake lesbianism is soooooo hot to footballers)

Other than friends whose tonsils you can tickle, the best Wagabee works alone. No-one needs competition for that footballer. Friends are not essential anyway are they? Why go out for girlie dinners or nights on the town dancing just for fun when somewhere out there there is a footballer with your name on him. You are a lone wolf, a hot, designer clad, hair-free wolf who is stalking her prey. NEVER forget that.



Fifth Lesson.



Your idols are important. Some women admire Michelle Mone, Karren Brady and JK Rowling. …Pardon? ……Yes, that's right,  the Harry Potter lady. Your idols are Alicia Dowling, Jennifer Thompson and Rebecca Loos. Because sometimes what comes out of their mouths is better paid than what they put in it.



So they didn’t keep their footballers, never mind they got the money and sometimes, well…….thats just as good isn’t it? You would LOVE to be like Victoria Beckham, Cheryl Cole and Coleen Rooney ok maybe not Coleen at the moment. But if YOU were Coleen you’d forgive him wouldn’t you? That is the Wagabee rule.



Final Lesson



The Wagabee isn’t understood by normal women. Most normal women think of you as selfish, deluded and frankly quite slutty. As you search for your footballer boyfriend you develop a thick skin (It’s ok, it’s not noticeable from the outside, no special creams are needed and no, a thick skin will NOT require botox) It is a sad life being a Wagabee, constant rejection, your life suffers as you focus on your hunt for a footballer. You just know that if you had a footballer boyfriend your life would be so so so much better. All that money, that big house, the perfect life, The Wags have it all. Just look at Cheryl Cole, Abigail Clancy, Jamelia, Coleen Rooney, Elen Rivas, Toni Poole………………………………………………………Um…… ….and that concludes our Wagabee Seminar for the day.



If you would care to purchase some souvenirs of your day there are some “My girlfriend went to Mahiki and all she brought me back was this STD” knickers. Or a Swarovski encrusted tub of Vaseline (always handy)





Good luck Wagabees. My god you are going to need it.



Big Fashionista x x
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25 comments

  1. This is the reason I adore you! I love it, absolutely love it!

    It's soooo true.... one of my friend's friend's from Uni (who I had the pleasure of meeting a handful of times) has forged a career out of following around footballs and D-list celebs, bedding them and selling her story. I could list off her conquests but I'd be here all day.

    If only she'd been to your seminar... then she could've got one of those Mahiki t-shirts!

    www.londonbeautyqueen.blogspot.com

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  2. Love it! And you are spot on with the orange, I have often wondered why they are all that colour

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  3. Pure Brilliance. Love it chick, keep up the fabulous work. xx

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  4. Absolutely loved this...hilarious!

    x

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  5. This post had me HOWLING with laughter first thing this morning - you got it absolutely spot on. I can't comprehend the way these women think, what happened to self respect? Why do they need to drape themselves over some two bit footballer in order to feel better?

    It makes my blood boil to hear schoolkids saying they want to be wags, what happened to wanting to be a teacher, or a nurse or an airline pilot? Now they all want to be Coleen flipping Rooney who quite frankly has massively let the side down by getting back together with her nomark husband.

    I propose an anti wagabee movement, with vans patrolling the streets to round them up armed with fake tan remover, stuff to get rid of the acrylic nails, makeup remover wipes and a lifecoach to get them to realise what they're doing.

    End rant! ;-) xxxxx

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  6. Brilliant! Just yesterday I tweeted about a site I came across called BecomeAWag.com (yes, really!).

    For the bargain price of only £19.99, you too can bag a footballer. Ridiculous!

    http://www.becomeawag.com/index.html

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  7. boohoo you caught me taking notes here right at the back
    :-D

    I shall eagerly await for the next lesson
    *sits and plays with hideously dead looking peroxide hair extensions*

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  8. I love this post, so funny just what I needed to read at lunchtime halfway through a crappy day!

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  9. Love it! Fully on board with the anti-wags! hehe! x

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  10. feels like your just jealous really. Nothing wrong with wanting nice things is their. Least I can use my looks to get what i want. You cant even do that because you are ugly as fuck and everyone who commented on this stopid website is jealous and ugly to

    so fuck you all ugly bitches

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  11. Wow Anonymous, angry much? I suggest you're so angry because deep down you know that what you're doing is morally vapid and a waste of time. Are they going to want you when your tits fall down and your face freezes from too much botox? I think not...

    I suggest you spend less time 'getting nice things' and more time working on your spelling and grammar. Or do those not matter when you're lying on your back in your quest for a new handbag or a boob job?

    Why not toddle off and find some self respect before slagging off women who don't aspire to be playthings for numbskull footballers.

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  12. A perfect example of a 'WAG who passed their English GCSE...'

    Maybe it's Rooney being anonymous... As mentioned up above, I was HORRIFIED to discover becomeawag.com, but part if me thought, what a fantastic way to make money out of the wannabe WAGs, because I bet you any money, it's a scam website, and the figure of ladies signing up would be a very sad statistic.
    Brilliant post, couldn't agree more. Having worked in most of the clubs in London, I saw it ALL, especially the behind the scenes stuff. Really sad. I used to pee myself laughing at the pure desperation for attention. These girls are still living at home, work in promotions or live off of their parents.
    It's actors too. I know several, and the women they attract, and their poor girlfriends, ah it's awful.

    Isn't FAME the best thing ever invented?

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  13. Awwww Whats up Anonymous, couldnt you spell you name. Take a look in the back of your knickers, oh thats right i forgot girls like you dont wear any.

    I think it so sad and you are going to wake up to yourself in a few years and realise that you have wasted your life looking for Mr Rich, when Mr Perfect has passed you by.

    Good luck with your search to be famous, but be warned it will BITE you on your skinny little ass.

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  14. Dear Anonymous, firstly thanks for reading. I know it couldn't have been easy. In my head I sort of imagine three of you sitting around the computer one looking at the screen, one typing on the keyboard and the third with a dictionary for the big words.

    Part of me thought that this must be a prank as to be honest with you, this was designed to go COMPLETELY over your head. (trust me,if you are real then there is hope for you yet)

    A little tip for you, Sack the girl with the dictionary as she is doing you no favours. Unless she is the faux lesbian friend in which case just use that next bit of cash you get into buying a younger dictionary as that one is CLEARLY to hard for her.


    Ok, fun is over. It is a shame you felt that you had to be anonymous as I really do welcome all comments on this blog (less of the ugly though yeah) and would love to hear your side of things and why you feel that using your vajay-jay to get what you want is better than using your brain.

    I'm sure you aren't a typical wagabee so if you feel like giving us your side of things then it will be read with interest.


    Now come here, I want to wet wipe you a little bit.

    Big Fashionista x

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  15. Ha! love it - oh dear (stopid)

    Love this post and totally agree it drives me crazy when kids say "I want to be famous" - not "I want to be a singer", "I want to be an actor"...but "famous". Sad state of affairs!

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  16. Hilarious!! I hope there are enough young ladies out there still wanting to be strong, independent, bright young things!
    We live close enough to Wag Mecca, Alderley Edge so we get to see these creatures on occassion, always gives me a wry smile!

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  17. Most intelligent men are looking for a sincere, caring, & intelligent woman to be by their side. Their looking for that love that will last a lifetime too! A women they can bring home to meet their mother. Dear Anonymous: I feel real sorry for you, you were taught wrong about relationships and how they work. When you use a person for the wrong reasons (a pretty handbag or dress), in return you are going to be used, and then tossed away like a piece of trash. No man brings home a piece of trash to meet his mother. And in closing the only ugliness I have seen on this site are your comments to the Lovely Big Fashionista and her readers.

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  18. a brilliant way to wait for my nails to dry! Count me in on the ugly bitches team - hey I can play for the saggy middle aged Mums too!
    I'm reminded of Peter Crouch's famous response when he was asked on TV "what would you have been if you hadn't been a footballer?" "A virgin" - nuff said!

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  19. This post was all types and manner of hilarious. That anonymous comment, I swear there's nothing left to say that hasn't been said. In the American South, we have a figure of speech, "A hit dog will holler," which basically means, the one who was hit hardest by your comment will make a whole lot of noise. Girlfriend was doing a looooooot of hollering. Methinks she read this satirical brilliance and got offended. It's sad, really, but really funny, too. *shrug* Oh well, too bad she couldn't buy any class or common sense with all her good looks.

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  20. I always love reading your funny posts, and this one has got to be the funniest one I've read so far.

    Roland

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  21. I'm still peeing myself laughing over anon's comment!

    Awesome post as always!

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  22. Spat my coffee over my keyboard :o
    This is HILARIOUS!

    You're brilliant xo

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