Saturday, 11 December 2010

A day of mourning and celebrating my fathers life.

Today December 12th, back in 2003 was the day my life changed forever.

It was the day that my beloved dad died from the lung cancer that he had been battling for months.

I will never forget this day and every year I use it as a day to reflect on how lucky I was to have a dad like him.

My dad dying came as a shock, I know that sounds strange but my mum and dad had wanted to shield my brother and I from the worst of it. Even though we were adults they wanted to spare us the pain for as long as possible.

When I think of my dad I can smile now. I remember the good times and the bad, (Standing in my bedroom with a lit cigarette behind my back as my dad talked to me about college always stands out-HOW did he not notice!!!!!)

I still find myself picking up books and thinking Dad would love this. before remembering he is no longer here.

I still have his number in my phone, and occasionally I text the number with news of my life (someone else probably has that number by now and is getting REALLY freaked out)

I look at my children and that's when I get sad, as he knew them and loved my eldest two as babies but didn't get to see the wonderful children they have grown into. and my youngest he never met at all. He was a brilliant grandad, this proud strong man would get down on the floor and play with two babies and be horsey for as long as they wanted. (which was a long long time)

I have pictures up on my wall of my dad and although my children sadly don't remember him, we talk about him a lot, He is part of them as much as I am.

My favourite picture of my dad, brother and me.

I do try not to be sad all day. It is actually also my best friends twin sons birthday that day and although I find it extremely hard I try to use the day as a celebration of his life instead of mourning my loss. (That is something that only comes with time)

My christmas lights stay off that night too as sometimes the pain of it all is too much and the sparkly lights and festive cheer seem to mock me and taunt me, I feel on that day I want to block out the christmas cheer and feel sad on my terms.

My Dad's death gave me one gift, and that was to live for the moment. My dad put off doing so much, he had plans for when he retired and he never got  to do any of them. I have a tattoo on my back which says Carpe Diem, Seize the Day and I try to do just that.

So today I will put on my best clothes, my highest heels go and visit my Mum with my family and my brother and we will drink red wine and probably eat indian food together.

There will be tears but they will be tears of sorrow AND celebration

because my daddy was the best and although he isn't here in body I know that he is here in spirit and we are his legacy to the world and I know that we make him proud every day.

This is one of the songs played at his funeral. Anyone who has lost someone can appreciate the beauty in these lyrics.

Big Fashionista x x


  1. This is so beautifully written, yet heartbreaking.
    I bet your dad is smiling down on you, what a fantastic legacy he has left behind in you xxx

  2. Wow, Kellie. This made my cry, your a wonderful woman and your Dad will be very proud of you, I truly look up to you. Here's to your Dad.

    I try and live by this quote now -
    “You can shed tears that he is gone,
    or you can smile because he has lived.
    You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
    or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
    Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
    or you can be full of the love you shared.
    You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
    or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
    You can remember him only that he's is gone,
    or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
    You can cry and close your mind,
    be empty and turn your back.
    Or you can do what he'd want:
    smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

  3. what a wonderful post. god bless your dad and your whole family x

  4. OK here goes...
    Christmas is a tough time for me too because I also lost the man I called my dad (mum still won't tell me who my biological father is, but he(Vincent)was still a dad to me) to cancer on Dec 26th 1992 (he wasn't buried till Jan 8 1993 cause of all the bank holidays). He passed away in St Joseph's Hospice Hackney.
    Like yourself his death was just before my sisters birthday (23 Dec) so she spent her 18th birthday at St Joseph's Hospice with him.

    I like to think they are up there somewhere having a laugh & drink and most importantly keeping an eye out for us.

  5. This was so beautifully written <3

    And a very touching song too.


    My thoughts are with you, your brother and mum xxxx

  6. I have no words that seem the right thing to say, so instead, I'll just give you a big huge virtual cuddle x

  7. That's a beautiful and touching post, xx

  8. I wrote a long and poignant comment and the blogger crashed! I just wanted to say my father died in 2007 of lung cancer. He was just 59, no age to see his grandchildren grow up. Enjoy your special day with your family. I'm thinking of you xxx

  9. This post made me well up just a little bit.

    I lost my Mum in November 2006 from cancer pretty suddenly (I was told a few days before she died that this was it) and the feelings you described echo mine to a certain extent. I can laugh now, but I still find that grief is like a wound that stays open. Sometimes everything is fine and other days it hurts, and it feels like it will never heal.

    It's so lovely you can get together with your family and remember your father. I hope you did him proud, and enjoyed your curry. :) xxx

  10. Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful memories with us all. A beautiful post you have written.


  11. Your post today was so touching and brought back memories of losing my cousin.

    My chris was my wee cousin, best friend and big brother all rolled into one! He was just 5 weeks younger than me. He wasn't taken from us by some evil disease, sadly on december 20th 2002 he took his own life aged just 23. As far as we can piece together he had financial problems and couldn't face his daughter at xmas with no presents. My one regret is I wasn't there for him when he needed me. But I am now able to celebrate the loads of fun times we had together growing up and his memory.

    Your daddy has given the world a beautiful, talented and caring woman and YOU should be proud of that as I'm sure your daddy is every day. Look at the sky tonight its your daddy making the stars that wee bite brighter just for you. Xxxx

  12. Kellie, getting together with your family to celebrate your Dad's life is such a wonderful thing to do. Thinking of you today x

  13. Can't even begin to imagine how you feel. But im thinking of you xo

  14. Your post was very touching Kellie - I hope you enjoy spending time with your family today reliving memories, it is so sad when we lose loved ones too soon. xx

  15. I was so sad to read your post but you're keping his memory alive which is important. You're an inspiration. Have a wonderful Christmas and treasure the memories xx

  16. a beautiful post hun. My thoughts are with you and your family. take care & I hope you all have a wonderful christmas :)

    Lots of love, Aysha xoxo

  17. Beautiful post. As you already know, I know exactly how you feel, the pain never goes away but gets easier to deal with, the memories keep us strong. xxx

  18. It doesn't matter how young or old you are...every girl needs her Daddy. I miss mine every day and part of me is dreading my first Christmas without him. Not sure how I'll cope with that but I guess you have to try and stay strong and remember all the good times. It would have been his 70th Birthday on Saturday so it was a sad weekend for me too. Hope you and your family had a great day and always remember he'd be proud of you and everything you do.

  19. I'm sorry I've just seen this but my dad died of lung cancer almost four years ago and your post moved me to tears. It's a beautifully written testament to your father and I'm sure he'd be so proud of you and your beautiful children.

    In Bengali they say when you lose your father you lose the "chaya," the cool soothing shade that a great tree provides. There's no replacement for it, only the comfort of memories. x

  20. Just read your post and cried...I lost a friend and colleague on Christmas Day last year. Only the good die sorry for your loss and thanks for sharing such a beautiful true story of your relationship with your dad xxx


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