Thursday, 31 March 2011

Public persona

When you think of me (which is often I'm sure) what is your first impression of me?

Opinionated?

Loud?

Beautiful? (I thought I'd throw that one in to see if you were paying attention)


I have a confession to make.

See that Big Fashionista? She terrifies the bloody life out of me.

I really feel as though I have created a ball busting bitch who definitely isn't backwards in coming forward.


But in real life? I'm actually quite shy. I am choc full of self-doubt and continually worry that I won't meet peoples expectations and I am being judged.

I love to write, I live to write, and since beginning blogging I have slowly developed a writing style that I feel comfortable with (bitch has been mentioned more than once)


But when I flick the switch on the laptop, I feel that I flick the switch on Big Fashionista too. She is me, but a part of me that only exists in written words. Would I be as strident with my opinions in person?

I doubt it.

(Although I would make an exception for Adele. Adele, If you're reading this-Call me, we need a chat luv)


It is almost as though I have created a separate persona. Big Fashionista doesn't feel my insecurities, She doesn't worry about hurting peoples feelings or saying if she doesn't like a product. She doesn't have to worry about mundane things such as making sure there is clean school uniform, the house is clean or what's for dinner. (and I have a sneaking suspicion she is a size 6 and wears a bikini everywhere)

She just sees everything in black and white.

(Is this making sense or do I sound slightly schizophrenic)

When I write I always feel that it is me, Kellie that writes the actual blog post and it is BigFashionista that writes the bracketed comments.  (You know, the funny parts)


I'm a run of the mill school run mum, I'm nothing special and I almost live in fear that I will be seen as a fraud. I have only met a few other bloggers in person and I often wonder if they walk away thinking, "God she is boring, nothing like her blog posts"

See? self doubts and insecurities. I am riddled with them.

Does anyone else out there experience the same fear as me?
Do you create a separate character for your blog or a certain part of your life such as work?

Let me know.

Kellie
(BigFashionista)
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11 comments

  1. I think that a lot of people feel that way Kellie. People seem to feel more empowered to say their true feelings when they don't have to see someone's reaction. Be it positive or negative.

    Think of the Trolls, not that you are one of those! But some people see the computer/laptop as an invisible barrier to the world. Allowing them to spew all kinds of venom, without seeing the consequences and hurt they cause. Or on the flipside, some people only find the courage to tell someone they love them, when they don't actually have to stand there and say it to the person. Emails/Texts/Twitter/Facebook make that easier for people to express their feelings in written words.

    I think in your case, you feel unburdened on your blog and therefore free to chat about the things you wouldn't necessarily say in real life. I think self-doubt is something we are all living with. I know I am!

    I love your blog Kellie, Big Fashionista - or whoever you are. More of the same please!
    X

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  2. That makes complete sense.

    Most of the bloggers I know are larger than life online, and shy offline. I think we all have to create a persona, as blogging is so centralised on personality.

    It's great, as you get to explore a side of yourself that you might be nervous about being in real life. But I think we all get 'imposter syndrome' too! I often feel like a fraud when I go to fashion events etc, even though I write about it all the time!

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  3. Whoever you are when you write you do it fantastically well and always find something interesting to write about and I just love your blog - I eagerly await your next diatribe! I think Leanne has hit the nail on the head, I really think that quite a lot of bloggers have the exact same insecurities and the conflict between the written them and the real them. I know I am able to be much more direct in writing than I ever could on the phone or face to face, which is frequently good but sometimes terrible - never email, tweet or comment when you have drunk half a bottle of wine or are in a foul mood, god knows I have done both and regretted it terribly!x

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  4. Kellie, I love your blog. It's honest and refreshing. :)

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  5. Honey, you are something special and there is no such thing as a run of the mill school run mum.
    We're all unique and bloody fantastic in our own individual ways.
    X

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  6. I'm not a blogger, but used to subconciously put up a completely different persona in public to the person I was on my own, it is only as I've got older and become more at ease with who I am that the real me has come into the public gaze, and I am so much happier about it. I certainly still have the insecurities, whenever I get drunk I worry i've offended everyone. (not so much nowadays) and even when out and about if I here people laughing I think they are laughing at me, even though I know they probably aren't. You're not alone and I'm sure in real life you are the same funny warm and strong person you come across as on your blog and twitter x x.

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  8. Aww Kellie, I always read your blog with humour and end up chuckling most days. I wouldn't worry about being called a fraud. Aren't we all to some degree? Yeah we've all grown up and left the playground but in life, don't we adjust personalities to suit our surroundings so we fit in? I've met a few bloggers and although quite different from their online personas, there's always still that little bit there inside. Anyone who seriously look at you and think bitch is missing the point. And at the end of the day, a blog is almost like a diary to most people and why shouldn't we speak our minds online when in reality we don't because if we did, all hell would probably break loose! I'm the same online and in real life but that's because I blog & tweet from a MUA point of view and call me brash but it's the way I like to approach life. I say ignore the negative as it never does any good and carry on doing the fab job you're doing. I love and enjoy it. And am sure many do as well.
    K x

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  9. Kellie I fucking love you, when I met you (even if it was quick) you were great and I could feel your energy. I love that you have big fashionista ! And if she works for you (which she clearly does because your blog is great) than why not. Your not a bitch at all, I have never read you being mean about another blogger unlike some bloggers. See I'm me all the way, which is scary because if someone attacks me than their really attacking me (does that make sense).
    See in real life I will say something, I am loud and full of love I have no time for silly little bitches in real life or blog land. Some people can't handle me in real life because I won't play a long, but to be honest if some one has no back bone to stand up and say I don't agree with your you I have no time for them. I think sometimes I'm too open, I have had a rough life and so I don't have time for people who want to hate on me, I have always had run in's with people (super bitchy bully's at work) because I don't laugh a long and I will flip it back on them. I think my blog is a little escape but never from me, it took me a long time to be comfortable in who I am and if people don't like it they don't have to read my blog that's fine :)
    I think that you are big fashionista, kel your writing is clever and funny and it's just the unsure side of you that keeps her locked up. We all go through different changes in life that affect our personality that's human. Blog's show part of your life not all, I mean no one needs to see the unwashed dishes or dirty laundry but when your writing it's still you. I think people need to be more aware of what they put out there and have the balls to stand by it. You always have thee most insightful posts xxxx

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  10. in everything i do in life, wether with family friends at work whatever, im different, i dont even know who i am, i started covering myself up so long ago and how i just dont know!, in the past year ive changed alot, i dont know if my personatly as, bevause im just finding it myself.

    x
    x
    x

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  11. I can definitely identify with all you said. I am quite quiet in real life until I know someone or I am the complete opposite and speak so much and then leave wondering if I had said too much.

    I have insecurities and a deep sense of wondering if even I know who I am. I also seem to have acquired a need for validation of me and being valued.

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