Thursday, 14 July 2011

Musical Youths

So it is that time of year.

End of term. The approach of the six weeks hell-iday that costs a small fortune and usually ends with parents everywhere tearing their hair out by the roots and weeping with joy the first day back to school in September (I personally have a 9am school gates dance. Ask anyone who knows me, I KNOW how to bust some moves)

Now while my aim is to kick the arse out of the final weeks of term and my freedom by filling my time with "me" things such as  (..........well, don't ask actually, some things are just for me) the school seems to have different plans for me. Achievement awards, Sports Day AND the worst of all

MUSICAL ASSEMBLIES.

Now don't get me wrong, I love music, But there is no way on this fine earth that any 6yr old in an east london school can make a violin solo sound anything other horrific. Throw in four other 6 year olds each with their own weapons of ear destruction, make them screech out a version of................. well, actually I couldn't tell you what it was they were playing, then top it off with my favourite method of torture,
THE RECORDER,

and then repeat, and repeat and repeat with different instruments and songs until my ears begin to bleed.

CLARINETS!

No, no, no. Whenever I see a clarinet start to make it's way to the stage, I want to make like a News Of The World report and start hacking make my excuses and leave. 

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that a child will do something extremely funny (and then I just have to hope that the child is not one of mine) such as sing extremely loudly and out of tune, cry on the stage, or my personal favourite, stick their tongue out and generally show off while on stage. (I do love that)

Other than that the only other kicks I get at musical assemblies is watching the faces of pushy parents around me as their pride and joy steps up on the stage and does their thang. I love it when a sheer look of horror crosses their face as they realise that they don't have a child prodigy on their hands (I am yet to find a recorder playing child prodigy) The smug look on their face is quickly followed by horror and then comes the fixed grin which usually stays in place throughout the whole performance before slipping at the end with the cold hard realisation that they better cancel that audition with Britains Got Talent.

Gutted.

Okay, so maybe the musical assemblies aren't THAT bad (they are) and I'm sure they could be a hell of a lot worse (they can't) but give me two weeks and I will probably be begging to attend another one rather than have my little cherubs at home with me 24-7.

I'm off to look for some presents for my childrens teachers,

Although I'm sure they should be buying ME a present. They're getting six weeks off to rest and relax. I'm about to start the hardest six weeks of my life!!!!

I wonder if the teachers will appreciate the gift of recorders?

Because I sure as hell don't want them in my house!


Big Fashionista x x x
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3 comments

  1. Haha another fine piece madam! Cracked me up when I read this at breakfast. I will have you know that I was rather good with the recorder and clarinet and went on to further my musical studies! Haha but I am sure you would have it no other way but to "support" your little darlings with their chosen instrument of torture! As always I love your blog and your sparkling personality always shines through! xx

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  2. Brilliant post...I remember my older brother had a Recorder that drove my mum INSANE!! She actually got so sick of it, that she took it to pieces, and hid each piece in a different spot around the house hahaha!

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  3. Six weeks! I'm jealous!! My son has NINE WEEKS of holidays. Nine. Secondary school kids here get TWELVE. Our school doesn't have a musical assembly, thankfully :)

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