Wednesday, 24 August 2011

I Swear


The following blog contains language so foul I can only live in hope that my mother doesn't read this. (She won't)  I will not be held responsible for any heavily pregnant women going into labour, people being fired from their jobs for abusing their internet privileges, your partners leaving you for leaving dodgy web links in your browser history or your dog running away.



Ok, that's the difficult bit over and done with. The ice is well and truly broken.

For those of you left that haven't pressed exit on your browser. Welcome, pull up a chair. Lets talk swearing.

I swear. I swear a LOT. (A fucking lot actually)  Now I know it isn't ladylike. but that isn't the first thought that jumps into your mind when you think of me is it?

"Oooooh that Kellie, she's so...................... ladylike" Hmmmmmmmm, it just doesn't really work does it?

I pepper my language with various fucks, shit and I even throw in the occasional bollocks. BUT............. I do have some boundaries, I have yet to approach a vicar and say, "Hi Father, How's your fucking day going? Mine has been shit"     I don't swear around my mother. (She would throw her shoes at me) and I NEVER swear at my children. (I cannot stand people who swear at their children, I catch you doing that? I will teach you language that you won't find in any dictionary) I have RESPECT. If I know you don't appreciate bad language, I will TRY to restrain myself. (Can't always guarantee it though, ooops)

I enjoy swearing, I'm not afraid to admit that. but the only problem is that when your fuck, shit bollocks count is as high as your if, as, the count. How do you actually express your anger?

This is where the word cunt comes in. A word that can make a trucker blush (I have tried it, it's funny) Cunt is the KING of swear words. The daddy of all swear words. If I call you a cunt. I am one very angry woman. Although if one of my bestest friends Pip calls you a cunt it fills you with love and warmth. In her book it is a term of endearment.

The word cunt invokes many emotions. it is an angry word, a word that in this day and age where swearing is seen as part of every day language still has the ability to shock. Cunt, I find it quite liberating saying it. Bastard just doesn't have the same effect anymore. it feels diluted, over-used and just so vanilla.

I suppose in a way it is like pushing the boundaries sexually. Once you go into the gimp mask and chains stage it is impossible to go back to hand-holding. (erm, I'm not saying that from personal experience I hope you know, hides mask under pillow)

You start with a simple "oh bum" and before you know it you are at the "Can it, you muthafucka" (I may well be channelling Samuel L Jackson here)

I appreciate that swearing isn't for everyone.

Some people say that swearing shows a lack of education.

George Washington once said "The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it"

Well that's bollocks.

I much prefer Mark Twains' outlook

"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied to even prayer"

What's your opinion on swearing? Do you hate it or is it part of your everyday language.

And what is your opinion of the word cunt?

Let me know.

Big Fashionista x x



  1. LOL you CRACK ME UP!!!

    You did NOT Just post about the C word!!

    I too, have a penchant for the ODD swear word - ok FINE a lot of swear words.

    Equally - not at the kids (do teenagers count?) and not near my Mother. She can't bring herself to say 'Bloody'.

    So yes, I would have to say the F word is one of my favourite words - the C word however, I tend to keep indoors - once at the OH and on numerous occasions for some 'people' I have worked for.

    Oh Big F you've made me smile this morning.
    You big fucking c word whorebag muthafucka!

  2. Well. This was an interesting read this morning. I too lean toward profanity more often than not but don't do it in front of/to kids or my parents or my clients. Okay, sometimes I use 'bitch' as a descriptive word but that doesn't count in context right...?

    Is it bad though that I will scowl and sneer at those in public that swear throughout their entire sentences, every second word even? Am I the kettle?

    As for the 'C' word. It has it's place.


  3. Im a Manc, swearing is my vocabulary. NEVER around my children though and if I caught Anton swearing I would really stick that washing up liquid down his throat. Or my mum either. I have never heard a swear word come out of my mothers mouth, which is so strange as my dad is just like me. I guess my mum liked a bit of rough.

    I save special swear words like cunt though, for special occasions, that only ever really comes out to Gareth and if he has seriously pissed me off.

  4. We never swear in our offices and I am astonished and appalled by you. You are off our list of must reads until you clean up your fucking mouth!

  5. i would say i'm the same, i hate to admit it but i love a good swear and it does pepper my vocab, esp when driving lol. i would never swear in front of family, children or at work, but otherwise i do indulge.

    I know the c-word is offensive but sometimes i really don't see why... surely what it actually means is no more offensive than calling someone the "male verison"... who knows :D

  6. C**t is my favourite swearword. Can be used for all different situations and in my opinion can be incredibly funny when used in the right context. However, if you are American, it sounds bloody ridiculous. Here in the northeast it is used really frequently and isn't meant offensively... such as "ya daft c***". At first I found it weird, but am used to it now.
    I too swear far to much, but I enjoy it. Plus I love words like dick, bell end and twat. Someone at work said she finds the word twat a swear word and finds it very offensive. Frankly, what a twat. I try to have respect, the same as you. But if I feel the need for a profanity, I usually satisfy it. And some days it can be every other word, especially if I'm around my brothers. I notice the more comfortable I am with someone, the more likely I am to swear in normal conversation, with there being really no need to swear other than to make them laugh. Which I love doing!
    Just like you, I don't swear around my little boy. Want to keep him pure and sweet for as long as possible.
    Anyway, fuck it. I'm off to do some work. Love ya babe. You've made me laugh this morning xxx

  7. Apparently I do swear around my children. Not at them, that's grim. But my 3 year old was doing an impression of his dad the other day, so I chime in with 'what does Mummy say?', expecting 'eat your dinner or no pudding', or maybe 'I love you darling'.

    No. 'Oh my Bloody word' he said, immediately. Oh dear. A mangled combo of Secret Seven jollity and mild profanity. I think this is when I'm stifling my urge to say something stronger and this is what comes out.

    Fuck and Bollocks are my words of choice usually. Cunt doesn't get used too often, it doesn't offend me though - well, unless it's being directed at me. Then I might be a bit fucked off.

  8. I really don't like swearing but somehow was not offended my this post. My mum doesn't swear, my dad does but I've never heard him say anything bad. I don't say any swearwords, I like it that way. My husband does and I always have to warn him when our daughter is around, she loves copying people at the moment. I've just never felt the need to swear.

  9. Thanks for everyone's comments.

    I like swearing but every single, fuck, shit, bollocks, cunt has a meaning. I never swear gratuitously. I could've added a lot more swear words for shock value to the post, but that would've defeated the whole object of the post wouldn't it?

  10. I swear like a sailor, although I try not to swear around, and definately not to my boys. If you want to hear some real swearing, I suggest you invest in some 'Deadwood' DVDs. It is one of the best TV shows ever written, and although every second word is a swear word, and the 'C' word is used ALOT, I swear to God that it is better than Shakespeare. Swearing is cathartic, stress relieving, and healthy, and anyone who doesn't believe me can F*** off.

  11. Haaaaahaha! Love it.
    Feels like I couldve written that post, my language can be foul, I am sometimes guilty, usually guilty, of using the f-word as a noun, pronoun, adjective, verb, get me. Sometumes I probably even punctuate with it.

    Terribly un-ladylike! xx

  12. pmsl. Actually in honour of this post "pissing myself laughing" I swear like a trooper, when I first moved to Yorkshire one of our male friends was rather shocked by me.

    I learned the hard way not to swear round my kids, when 18 month old Em, walked up to crying baby Tom, smoothed his little head and said "aw shut the fuck up Tom". Thank god it wasn't in front of my mother!

    The first time I swore publicly was aged 4 sat on a donkey at a carnival being photographed with the vicar for the local paper, donkey moved and I shouted "keep this bloody thing still" jesus my poor mother was mortified!

    Mother is Irish Catholic so "Jesus, Mary & Joseph" was about as bad as her swearing got, though since she heard me say it, and roared with laughter at it, she has used "what the rubbery fuck" on occasion!

    I tend to add swearing to make things funnier more frequently than to express anger.

    The C word. I just cant even bring myself to type it. It's too out there for me. Whenever I hear it, or read it, I do a little involuntary start, it just gets under my skin right away. The only time it doesn't freak me out is when its delivered with a totally flattend vowel, South London accent style "you caaant", that actually makes me laugh!

    This post has made my morning, quite possibly my day! xx

  13. I have tried, in the past, and all for being lady-like to not swear...and I try to keep to a minimum. Basically my mother used to swear a lot when we were kids, even though she now denies any recolection of it :S so I've never really liked loose of this words... but, and it's a big BUT, there are moments, were, here I'm agreeing completely with the fabulous Mark Twain, it does provide that relief, that release more rightly, than anything else. Last time I swore at somebody the story went like this: Me walking my tiny dog in the park, on the leash, poopie bags in hand, me being the perfect civilian, cyclist speeds by the foot path only not running over my dog because I suddenly - still don't know why I did it, but thank Dior I did - pulled him my way. The guy didn't even apologise so I went " F*ck you!" he looked back at me and me with all the anger and fear and so mad about the man almost killing my dog - he is a miniature dog, he would have broken him - with the meanest of looks I said "f*ck you...yeah YOU!" My dear Kelly I'm not sure what I felt next when he stopped cycling and came my way.... to argue why I was saying such a horrid thing to him...(!!!) I explained he would have broken my dog's back, killed him had he caught him with his cycle, how fed up I was with cyclists being abusive at parks, bla bla...I'm not proud to say they were even tears. He apologised profusedly, said my dog was beautiful and he was sorry, I said I was sorry I swore at him (!!! was brought at as a Catholic girl so we are always sorry, damn those stupid values) we introduced ourselves, but i was too embarrassed by my swearing I soon said goodbye and moved along....
    All this to say I really try not to swear because sometimes people, especially guys, really react badly to it and I'm tiny and still haven't taken enough lessons in self defence or karate to feel brave enough ;)

    Now the c-word, I have used it, never at a person, but speaking about someone that I may consider a waste of space... but I have to really dislike this people.

    Sorry for the rant, seems the morning coffee was quite strong after all xxx

  14. I swear like a docker. Fuck this, fuck that, fuck the other. Bollocks is a great word. Cunt doesn't seem to be as big a deal of a word over here - people throw cunts around all the time. I like it's older brother, Cuntihooks.

    Learnt I had to control it around the mini-me when I was in Lidl one day and my son was almost 3. A foreign couple were having a conversation in their own language and my gorgeous little baba pipes up "What the FUCK are they saying?!". Lesson learned. DO NOT SWEAR AROUND CHILDREN! But when he's not around - yeah. Swear like a hoor. :)

  15. Is now a good time to mention that my eldest's first word was "shit"? We tried to convince ourselves she was just randomly saying ship when she dropped stuff... Amazing how quickly you learn to stop swearing around your kids when that happens.

    Like everyone else really I swear a lot, never around my kids or parents (actually my dad sometimes)...but cunt? I rarely trot that one out. I have to be beyond all rational thought when that one spews out at my husband.

  16. Hahah I got told off by my friends the other day for using the C word... Even though I had had a few and was really pissed off about something :P as usual, absolutely brilliant post! They should give you an article or something :o)

  17. I am a lady most of the time but when I get angry I swear to express it. The C word however is never spoken by me no matter how angry I am.

    I don't swear in front of my child, my parents or in the company of strangers.

  18. I laughed my ass off when I saw the word "Cunt". I swear all the time but I do not use cunt casually...just around friends and my husband. I don't have children so no worry there, and I would never say "fuck" to my parents. But yeah, I pretty much swear like a sailor. I've tried stopping, but saying, "What the fuck is fucking wrong with them?" gives me a lot more satisfaction than, "Gosh darnit! Why would they do that?" Haha, just me.

  19. I swear a lot but the C word is the hurdle that I just hate to cross. It just sounds so nasty! Although I'm not sure why, is it because I'm a lady (ha!) and it's a word for ladyparts? I have no qualms about saying dickhead or wanker.

    Who knows? Great post though!

  20. Looking at it, I could well be the first bloke to comment on this. So here goes.
    Having been married to a cockney girl who swore a lot, it became second nature to me, but language and swearing depends a lot on the accent, sorry to say. a Manc girl swearing is (in my opinion) a bit cheap and vulgar and common (in both senses of the word) but a brummie or geordie is actually quite sexy.
    And obviously it depends on what they are saying to you!!!!
    And the C word? If a girl uses it, you KNOW she's pissed off with you.
    MALE out!

  21. Ha brilliant post. I dont swear very often except for the word Shit. I say that all the time. However i dont have a problem with other people swearing at all. If i do swear in front of people they actually find it really funny.
    My mother in law never swears and i was in the car with her and she shouted out Wanker to another driver. It was so funny and when i said to her i cant believe you just said that i've never heard you swear she replied that Wanker is not a swear word it means idiot :)
    I didnt try to explain what it actually means haha xx

  22. FUNNY CUNTTT !!!!

  23. Brilliant! I have about the filthiest mouth ever, and my mother is constantly telling me off for my gratuitous use of "fucking shit bollocks", which is my favourite profanity combo (I'm 24, yet my mother, who says "bloody buggers", tells me off...)

    As for the "C" word, I very rarely use it about people, but it often gets used to abuse technology, my computer is often a "fucking twat cunt machine" (I know, they mean the same thing...). I don't have a problem with the word, though, it is incredibly liberating to say "cunt" - I think. My friends tell me off for it, though, yet they find it entertaining to hear me swear because I sound so nice and polite when I do it - no regional accent you see!

  24. One of my first words was 'bastard' which was courtesy of my older brother telling me that Baskin & Robbins was really 'Bastard & Robbers' - It's been pretty downhill since then! Lol. Great post..x

  25. Bloody loved this post! I LOVE swearing but only do this to add a little excitement or exaggeration to appropriate moments. Bravo to you for finally making a post about it. As always your a fucking legend! xxx :o)

  26. I was taken to one side at Little Man's nursery the other day and told by his carer that he had said 'for fucks sake' loudly and angrily as he tried to get his shoes on... She asked hm not to say it again as they don't use words like that at nursery and he said 'But mummy says it...' so it would appear that I do swear in front of the kids, but never, ever in front of my mother (she would fucking kill me!)x
    Not a big fan of the 'c' word though. I think I have heard it come out of too many chavvy teenage boys mouths...

  27. Thank you, this post made me laugh after a fucking cunt of a day! xx

  28. Although I do swear quite heavily at the moment due to stress, I must apologise for my over-swearing in my earlier post xx

  29. This is the second time I've read your blog and the lure of the king of all swearwords lured me in. Nothing helps me deal with cunts better than calling them a cunt. My girlfriend hates it and I never say it around her but away from her i'm in danger of overusing it, sometimes i like to spell it out before calling people it. C.U.N.T CUNT! that way its educational as well.
    anyway much love Mr B x

  30. Oh I love you even more now! Cunt is a bloody fantastic word. Tis the only swear word I use has such an awesome stop-em-in-their-tracks effect on grown, hairy arsed blokes (as you have already pointed out) I reserve it for special occasions. It's my swear equivalent of Sunday Best, as it were. Fuckwit is a particular favourite of mine too. My potty mouth is nothing to do with lack of vocabulary and everything to do with expressing myself as I see fit. I'm a one woman shock and awe campaign. I have seen Bridesmaids twice now as I have never laughed so much at an American film as I did when the phrase "You're a little cunt!" was blasted out in a US accent on the big screen. May I? Go on...once more with feeling...CUNT!!!!

  31. I LOVE swearing... i don't do it on my blog because it's a beauty blog and I dont think it'd go down well but if I had more of a lifestyle blog I probably would!

    CUNT! Love that word... I also have a friend who uses it as a term of endearment and I find it hilarious. I call my OH a cunt when I don't know what else to call him; mainly because i LOVE the look on his face ha!

    great post as usual Kellie! Love it!

  32. I live in Scotland, here Cunt is a term of endearment. Twat however makes grown men get very upset - who'd have figured! LOL

  33. Haha! Yet another hilarious read :) I have no problem with swearing, my boyfriend swears so much that he wouldn't be the same person if he didn't, I kind of find it endearing (is that weird?) My problem is that my voice is a right old mix of Oxford vs London vs Chav vs godknowswhatelse and so I just sound ridiculous when I swear and it has no effect whatsoever. I swear in my head a lot though. Haha. And I'm the same, if somebody doesn't like swearing, I absolutely will not swear around them. xxx

  34. Cunt rules. You rule. I often use the term cunty as well!

  35. I'm from Glasgow... I swear during every sentence and I'm forever told that I swear too much and I'm not lady like. Fuck that! I love a good swear. X


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