Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Sexual Healing

You know me, I'm not one to laugh at other peoples misfortunes. (honest) but catching sight of this in The Metro made me giggle and then catch myself in sheer horror.

Metro Online

This woman HAD sex on a Yacht, (I'm liking this so far) and then somehow managed to sever her hand after the sex got a little erm, energetic (Not so much fun)

How the hell lady?

Firstly let me congratulate you on your energetic participation. No seriously. You put your all into that and for that I salute you. (Sometimes I can barely get up enough energy to put the book down)

But........................ but.............. You severed your hand on a sink getting your rocks off, I REALLLLLLLY hope that you at least got a damn good orgasm out of it, possibly two. (I hope for your sake it was two) because I can't wait to see how you explain THAT one to your parents, or worse GRANDPARENTS.

Accidents during sex are possibly the worst thing to go to A&E for. (No, I'm not talking from experience here, unless you count the dreaded papercut incident from 1998)

How embarrassing must that be? You are in pain, and then you have to explain exactly how you got that dolls head stuck in your.......................... um, shall I leave that there? (No,no, not the Dolls head!)

I don't think I could do it. I'd rather die from shame than embarrassment.  (Although obviously if my hand was waving back at me from the floor I may think twice) 

Now, for the first time ever I am actively encouraging ANON comments. (nice ones for a change) 

I want to know,

Have you ever had a sex accident?

Or has a *cough* friend *cough* told you a story that you could share.

If you are too embarrassed then please feel free to use the old Anon button.

I promise not to laugh.

(disclaimer, I promise to try not to laugh) 

Big Fashionista x x


  1. The worst that happened to me was falling off the bed lol!

    shel xx

  2. i have to select anon as it's too embarassing to show my face and I comment here regularly and want to keep doing so :) ...anyways, how about getting it on with a guy, naked, then your belly button piercing getting hooked on the one he had on his own belly button. A loud shriek of pain from yours truly, tons of blood and sooo much pain, and tears, from me again... and I was trying soooo hard to play it cool in front of this guy *sigh* - piercings are evil. Now I've grown up and I would never find them attractive on a guy :)

  3. having seen the aftermath of more than one bad sex based accident - fractured penis which is incidentily a surgical emergency dived missed enough said. Or head injurys caused by coliding with headboard, the best one has to be the allergic reaction to latex- condoms not the best time to find out your first sexual experince poor bloke.....

  4. I was caught in bed with my bf at the time when his mum walks is and throws me out the house. I didn't have any shoes on but the soon come heading my way at full pelt towards my head. Not a great start for your first time. LOL x

  5. Was going to go anon for this but sure feck it, we all have embarrassing moments!
    Planned a 'romantic' night away with an ex one time - booked a lovely B&B in a faraway town, went out for a meal and a few of us happened to have a few more than the other (and it wasn't me) and then decided that the perfect ending to the perfect evening would be drunken sex. As you do. Anyway, I decided that if it was going to happen, it'd probably take a while, so got into the oul' missionary position and laid back waiting for him to do his thing. Oh, he did his thing alright. He tried to get on top of me, lost his footing, fell backwards off the bed and got all 6-foot-6-of him wedged in between the end of the bed and the wardrobe (knocking the shelf with the mini kettle/teacups/spoons off the wall in the process). I have never laughed so much in my entire life. Cue the owner of the B&B banging on the door to find out what was going on, me trying to pull him out from where he'd gotten wedged, tears streaming down my face, shouting back that the shelf had fallen off the wall. He had a huge gash from his arse to his elbow from the side of the wardrobe.

    We left the next morning at 5am before the owner got up. :)

  6. Oooh - I've got two goodies, neither are really accidents as such but still quite amusing looking back! When I first got together with a certain ex of mine, we spent most of our time in bed (as you do). Unfortunately, I spent so much time there that my hair at the back properly matted into a big old birds nest and I could not brush it out for love nor conditioner, so I ended up having to get it cut out! I told the hairdresser I had been ill but I don't think she believed me...
    With the same ex we also decided to get a bit amorous with an ice cream snickers. Suffice to say, we realised very quickly it was a very bad idea (guess what a half melted chocolate ice cream looks like? Yep...) and I spent much of the evening sitting on the shower head hoping I'd got all the peanuts!

  7. Ok, so not embarrassing in terms of needing to take a trip to A&E but I can think of a couple. One that springs to mind was the first time I had sex in the errr backdoor (if you get me). Let's just say I rather enjoyed it and got a little carried away with the screaming. Thin walls+ all the windows in the house open.... my neighbour still can't quite look me in the eye.

    The only other embarrassing thing I can think of is that I've broken a grand total of 3 beds. I'm rather slim and all my partner have been too but clearly we've got a hell of a lot of energy!

  8. i could never look at a snickers ice cream in the same way again!!

  9. I did nearly died laughing in the toilet when i was suppose to be having a crafty cigarette in the toilet. (the bad old days when you smoked inside the building). There I was sat on the loo with newspaper and fags ready for a good read and break from work then... I read a story of a man who dressed up in a batman cape, only the headress bit, naked below the mask, tied his wife naked to their bed, got up on the walldrobe and then jumped....

    Luckily for his wife, he missed and knocked himself out on the edge of the bed. There she was screaming out for help in the hope that her nosey neighbours would assist. Of course they came to her aid, broke down the door and .....just imagine if that were you what would you say to the poor women.

    Unfortunately I would be laughing too hard to call the thing is if you cant face your doctor or casualty and tell them how it happened, then DONT DO IT. So if you like batman or even robin...I am not for you..

  10. Not so much an accident as an amusing tale relayed. By the ex in the story...

    A geek friend and his then girlfriend were doing the dance, when approaching climax she pipe up in a perfect Yoda impression "Ooh, coming I am!" [You may have to try and say it out loud]

    As a Star Wars fan who's hero had just been completely destroyed in a moments playfulness, he could no longer perform. Instant deflation.

    She did the impression for us. It was pretty accurate.

  11. I feel Im missing out, at most I've fallen off the bed.

  12. A friend of mine called me at 4 in the morning crying hysterically to pick her up from Slutty McSlutterson's house because they'd had an 'accident' and she needed to go to the doctor. Turns out she needed A&E instead as Slutty had the head of his cock pierced and it had become 'loose' during the fun times and torn the inside of my lovely friends vagina (I'll give you a minute here to visualise)...

    Needless to say she caused herself some serious damage and it took months to heal. Piercings rocks! Right? Er, no. They really don't.

  13. Defo the time I got shot in the eye with cum. What a shit aim he was. My eye was red raw and so painfull for days. It wasn't good when my mum asked me what was wrong with my eye.

  14. Yeah so not telling who I am. I have a reputation to upkeep...
    My boyf (and still partner now) decided after a night out to try and enter an area not usually entered. I, having had a few drinks was sloshed enough to say yes, rather than "hell no" like usual. That and I was 19 and stupid.

    So, he readies himself, poking gently, and the minute he even got the tip in, I jerked forward as a reflex movement (or so I imagine). At which point mid thrust he shot straight off the bed and broke his ankle. Oops.

    He did have other sex injuries or problems though. One ex ripped his nipple ring out during sex and he now has half a nipple. And he and another ex had a village have them removed from their above a posh shop flat via a petition due to noisy sex.

  15. I once went down on my girlfriend while stupidly, stupidly drunk. The room started spinning and I BIT DOWN to keep from falling off the bed. Not popular.

  16. The worst thing I have done is accidently kick my boyfriend in the face during sex xD

    Kitty x

  17. The post above this one - I'm still crying. Biting down to stop the room spinning - WHY hahahaha

  18. These comments are brilliant!!

    My funniest sex moment/accident is when the boyf decided to see how far a condom could stretch (whilst it was on!). Yes, he has a first class honours degree in Engineering but clearly can't think straight pre-sex! Obviously after a few moments it pinged back!!! He shouted out in pain, but it was self inflicted so I was totally allowed to laugh at him. Haha!

  19. Right so New Years Eve, the boyfriend and I plan a dirty night in, nice dinner, some wine, a bath, the works. We were in bed, doing our thing and all of a sudden he screams. He had pulled out so we could change positions and there was blood pouring (POURING) out of his penis. We didn't know what to do and it was really pumping out so I rang for 999 to ask for advice. The guy on the phone pissed himself laughing when I explained what had happend and said he might need to go to hospital. Cue boy nearly fainting at the thought of someone apart from me or him touching his penis. And so we wait. The ambulance pulls up and in come two burly (hot) paramedic types and my man is lying on the bed with his now limp and blood soaked penis out. It was hilarious as you could see the guys trying not to laugh. Especially when they saw the lube and other toys on the bedside table. "Good night lads eh". Mortifying. Anyway, turns out he had snapped the skin that attaches the foreskin to the penis and thus the blood. Probably from too much vigourous thrusting. Ahem. He was ok in the end, but he is still scarred after the ambulance guy examining his bits and cleaning them up. Funny as hell though!

  20. So me and the bf had been on the vodka all night and was feeling a bit frisky. So he decided that it would be kinda different to erm... fuck me with the vodka bottle. Not the whole bottle obviously, just the neck of it. So me being pissed decided yeah Im up for that. So he starts fucking me with it and I start feeling BURNING really bad burning, painfull and stinging. The lid wasn't on the bottle properly, so all the vodka was leaking out inside me. I have never felt burning and stinging like that in my life. It lasted for hours too. I could hardly walk. Definitely a night to remember.

  21. Once upon a time when I was young and fun my then boyfriend and I decided that car sex would be a good idea. In a (VERY) secluded place we parked up, he lay back on the passenger seat and I jumped on. Thing is it was a tiny cheap car and he's a big lad so one knee was on the hand brake and the other on the seat adjuster thing. I had bruises all down my legs for two weeks...

    Aside from that a poorly aimed cumshot to the nose left me sneezing for a good 12 hours. The look on his face was hilarious. Kind of a mix of pleasure and horror all at the same time.

  22. My experiences are mild but equally scarring. One ex suggested a massage, grabbed a bottle of baby oil which made me cringe and proceeded to squeeze half the contents on my back. Things started off well until he (without asking permission) shoved his finger up my, um, back passage. The pain was excruiating and I screamed. I fell silent for a few minutes when worried, he asked if I was ok. I went home with baby oil in my hair. I've also had cum shot up my nose.

  23. Hello, me again...

    One that happened to me this time. Not during sex but of a flavour.

    Way back when with my first 'proper' gf, I was sitting on the couch and she sat astride my lap facing me, just playing. Suddenly she whips up her jumper and wobbles her ample bosom about my face.

    Fine you might think and I wouldn't normally complain, however being bespectacled my nose splits open internally, excruciating agony, blood spurting, tears in eyes and much name calling insues.

    Fortunately not broken however a level of pain I haven't felt before or since.

  24. Ooh I forgot another one, similar to the vodka one - let's just say that Baileys poured onto a freshly shaven snatch is not fun. I had to sit on a cold flannel for hours! I once threw up after chugging a can of diet coke then giving particularly vigorous head to a bf as well.

  25. Worst time has to be after a night of anal fun I woke up and must have passed wind in the night as the bed was covered in jizz and other bottom related products.

    Very embarrassing.
    Luckily no ambulance needed.

  26. OK remembered this and laughed never use honey or Lenin vied like I did once it waxed my BF if long agos chest ..8

  27. Lemon curd wretched auto correct!

  28. New B/F rather skinny, whilst giving head, he jerked I didn't move fast enough ended up nearly knocked out by his hip bone. Luckily I have long hair and could hide the bruise.

    Another time I woke up about 3 am to find him asleep but still inside. Never did resolve who fell asleep first!

  29. 1) I pulled a very hot guy from my course at uni who I had been ogling for about two years, and thrilled at my victory, brought him back to my room for some fun. Woke up a few hours later feeling very damp and warm and looked up to witness him giving me a very unsolicited golden shower.

    2) Lost a fake fingernail inside someone's boxer shorts once and didn't realise til he was elsewhere. He must have got the fright of his life when he saw that.

  30. This is better than cosmo's forums, but don't tell tehm I said so!

  31. Been waiting to post this.

    Drunken sex one night with a new boyfriend and getting a bit crazy while he was taking me from behind I threw my head back just has he leant forward to kiss the back of my neck.

    Cracked him so hard across the nose with the back of my head he was knocked out. I was panicking and ran to get his flatmate across the hall. He wasn't impressed about being woken up but soon came to laugh at my naked boyfriend who had come round and was bleeding from the nose and groaning in pain.

    One pissed off and embarrassed boyfriend that I'd got his mate involved and he had black eyes he didn't want to explain for a week.

  32. Probably shouldn't tell you this, but when I worked as a Police Control Room Officer we had a request for assistance from the ambulance service. A gentleman had been 'standing up on the windowsill adjusting his curtains, naked, when he'd fallen awkwardly upon the fruit bowl and impaled himself on an orange'. I had to convey this to a police unit over the radio and it took me several attempts to compose myself and relay the message. I think every police officer in the Thames Valley was wetting their pants laughing.

  33. I've broken a few guys banjos as you call you,

    Also not long after the smoking ban in bars came In I was out with an ex and my best friend in a club in Nottingham. All very drunk I decided to go down on my ex while my friend sparks up a sneeky fag.... 3minutes later 3bouncers charge past me obviously blowing off my then boyfriend and chuck my friend out the night club without a word to us.

  34. My first experience with a girl when I was at college did not have the result either of us planned. Heading to her empty house on the bus we got a bit heavy on the petting and consistent French kissing on the way there, eagerly anticipating my first full sexual experience. We got to her house and went upstairs, where more petting & snogging took place, she asked if I had a condom. She took the condom in her hand and ripped into the pack using her teeth and unknowingly inhaled and the whole jonny disappeared into her throat.... There was a gap between her throat and the condom so she could breathe, And all I could do was cry laughing I mean genuine tears as well, she sounded like joe pasquele - suffice to say she did have it removed at hospital and neither of us spoke of it at the time and we drifted apart!

  35. In my much younger years, I went to visit my then BF at his university (needless to say one of the top posh ones in the country...) campus was creepily quiet for a Saturday night, I was used to rowdy madness. So after a few drinks we decided to head to his room to make our own fun... We had a LOT of noisy, energetic fun for a good few hours, when we eventually finished, I decided to have a fag out the window. And there stood outside, looking up at me butt naked was a crowd of about 15 students who all started cheering... I left early the next morning and never went back!!

  36. Once picked up a bloke in a club, walking home via the canal we got a bit frisky, laid down on the canal bank & got down to it. Shortly afterwards was aware my skin was remarkably hot. And itchy. Yep, practically naked lying in stinging nettles. Still, we got up & finished off in the middle of the village's cricket wicket. When I eventually got home I used an entire tube of Savlon to soothe those stings, lots in areas you never want to be stung on.

  37. Several months after the Johnny – inhaling I went on holiday (with family) and began talking to 2 girls from Essex. We arranged to meet up for a night out & donning my best clobber went to the local night spot where we danced the night away, eventually copping off with one of them.
    We took our passion outside to the beach and sat down on some stone steps in the dark, progressing through foreplay like only a 17-year-old knows how, fumbling my way through - she went down on me, I enjoyed it. I went down on her. At some point though her leg spasmed and her flip-flop covered foot slapped down on one of my dangling berries. She smashed my left testicle between her flip flop and the stone step causing me to black out and fall sideways off the steps into a small beached boat. I never did see her again that holiday - no idea why....

    1. I really, really hope you are a writer... the johnny inhaling incident had me almost crying!


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