Thursday, 8 September 2011

Blowing you off

Flatulence, farting, popping, blowing off, bottom whispers, bum burps.

There are so many, many words for the air that is secreted from your bottom that it just isn't funny.

No really, it isn't.

I have a simple sense of humour.  Well, I say simple, some may say sadistic but hey tomato, tomato.

But if you are the sort of person that lets rip and then expects me to have to wring out my Tena lady, you will be extremely disappointed.

I'm not impressed.

This is my unimpressed face



I'm not saying that I don't pass wind, of course I do, I'm not a seagull. But I don't announce it to the world. I don't look around with a beaming grin or ask anyone if they can smell what I'm cooking.

I have friends who can pass wind on command. (Whose command I'm not quite sure) Now as a party trick I'm sure it has them rolling in the aisles (If your party is made up of five year olds) but these are grown people!!! Grown people who actually lift their leg and flap their arms to illustrate their point. I get it, I do. You are passing wind.

What would  you like me to do? Stand up and give a round of applause? Grade your fart with a mark out of ten?

Show some decorum.

I was brought up to know that certain things were private. I can't go to the bathroom with friends, you know those girls who go to the toilet in pairs and share a cubicle while they chat?

Nope, hell no. Cubicle for one please. Not gonna happen. I'm shy, my bladder is shy. No peeing while i'm chatting.

I put my hand over my mouth when I burp. (I don't say compliments to the chef) I leave the room if I want to pass wind, and if one just happens to slip out, I say excuse me.

I don't announce it to the world and then crack up!!!!

And if you do?

Well chances are I'm going to blow YOU off.

Big Fashionista x x


  1. Why can’t seagulls fart?
    I can find no published study or even an oblique reference to the myth that suggests they might not! Seagulls, and birds in general, have a single opening called the cloaca, which serves for removing both the waste products of the kidneys and the intestines. This has a muscular sphincter to hold it closed, much like the anus. The bird’s digestive tract, though shorter than ours, still contains bacteria and these bacteria will produce gas. When the gas pressure exceeds the elastic strength of the cloaca sphincter, the result must inevitably be a fart. Possibly the reason seagulls might have acquired a reputation for never farting is that when a seagull poops in mid-air the person below suffers the immediate consequences. But with a mid-air fart, who’s to know?

    I had to google it...this is what I found;)

  2. I totally agree with this! I'm a total prude when it comes to farting - I just find it vulgar rather than funny. A few weeks ago I was in a shop when a bloke farted really loudly across the aisle, his girlfriend just giggled at him whilst I glared with disgust...I'm fairly sure if it was my boyfriend that did that I'd be punching him rather than laughing, it's just rude and gross.

  3. the tomato tomato had me confused for a good few seconds(my brain hasnt switched on yet) i just said tomato tomato in my head the way i say it before it clicked hahaha... im not a big fan of this whole jokey farty thing either, i get embarassed about this sort of thing, it is definitely private :s

  4. In a house with 4 sons and a biggest-kid-of-all husband, I'm on a losing streak, but i cannot bear farting, burping or any such stuff! No need, not funny, and definitely inappropriate!

  5. LOL :-D great idea for a post.

    My opinion on the matter is: if its loud, fine but if it stinks thats unacceptable! I think the immature person in me makes me laugh at farts, the only ones I don't laugh at are ones which leave you questioning whether the offender has shit themselves!

    I spend 75% of my life in a pub, full of beer swilling blokes who NEVER own up to their farts, and believe me i've smelt some. (what I can't get to grips with is that i'm actually sniffing up someones poo particles)

    So, to clarify. The sound I don't mind (generally) but the smell offends my nose!!! Some may say the smell is a 'natural product'... its not when it smells like a rat has crept up their arse and died!


  6. I totally agree with you, it is just plain rude, vulgar, ill-bred and very bad manners.
    Well said!

  7. Even the words for it make me feel faintly nauseous. 'Guff', eugh. I have told my sons that ladies (ie me) do not do boom-booms (twee word started by my MIL which has stuck) and they believe me. Quite right too.

  8. The OH makes a grand gesture out of a fart - there always has to be an "aahhh" sound or a lifting of the leg afterwards. My 6 year old will ANNOUNCE the fact that he's farted, no matter who's around.

    Living with boys is fun. :/

  9. Ha, I think farts are hilarious :D
    But then I'm a bit of a bloke.

  10. LOL @lakota's "boom booms" my boys call it 'trumping', though on occasion, will refer to it as 'botty popping'...

  11. Wha...?
    You mean... seagulls don't fart? Poor buggers!

  12. HAHA great post, have to agree though. My friend had a girlfriend (Yes...GIRLfriend) who used to lift her leg and fart, it was revolting! x

  13. With you all the way, it happens sometimes, but no need to celebrate! Living with 2 boys a man and male dog its funny how everyone says it wasn't me as they feel embarrassed rather than proud!jx


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