Thursday, 20 October 2011

Immigrants cause cancer, by Liz Jones

This post is designed to unashamedly and unapologetically rip the piss out of Liz Jones. If you feel that you may be offended by the following post, then you may want to look away now. (Don't say I didn't warn you) If you feel that you may enjoy this post, grab a coffee, sit down and enjoy as I attempt to write in the style of Liz Jones!!!!



As I was drinking my glass of muddy river water this morning, a small tip I picked up on a recent trip abroad-those Somalian women have some fantastic diet tips, I read an interesting article by a lesser-known journalist who dresses far older than her age by the way, about Garra Rufa fish being the cause of the spread of hepatitis, HIV and possibly even cancer.


I was shocked! Absolutely shocked. If I hadn't thrown up most of my river water breakfast already then I may have vomited in disgust!!

I often take a trip to a highly specialised Knightsbridge salon for a fishy nibbling treat, in fact I specifically asked them to make a special tank just for me so that when I am feeling especially obese I can put my whole body into the tank and the fish just nibble away at any excess skin I have. I have been known to lose a whole 8 ounces in one trip.

How more fat people don't have the self respect to ask their local salon to build them a tank I really don't know. I don't mind looking at obese people for a little while as long as I know they are doing something about it,

The one good thing I found about Somalia is that the women are a lot more pleasant to look at, and I think some of them were really happy when I said I had arranged for a doctor to come out and visit them.

I am SO glad that they grasp the idea that a breast lift and possible enlargement is a good idea, and my surgeon has said he will look into a possible installment plan for them to pay it off monthly, I suggested to him he tells them to discuss their new breasts with their friends over dinner parties.


I have to wonder if these cancer spreading, HIV carrying fish are perhaps caused by immigrants in some way or another. Some of these poor people have never had the pleasure of designer shoes before!!! They have never experienced the feel or even the sound of Louis Vuitton court shoes clacking over cobblestones and so have no idea of the pain and discomfort which I go through daily. If they have no sympathy for me and my LV blisters, why should I have any sympathy for them? Is it my fault that some countries prefer to go barefoot?

When I read in Vogue that going barefoot is once again fashionable, then I shall partake. Until then, unless I am in Exmoor where people think Louis Vuitton is the cousin/husband of the local postmistress I will not be shoe-less thank you very much.



It is obvious to me that these people with their dirty, sweaty feet are the ones who are polluting the homes of the fish. I am sure that the Ugg wearing chav types who frequent the salons and then scream that the fish are tickling their toes haven't even thought of having botox injected into their feet and it is this lack of forward thinking that is spreading hepatitis and yes CANCER!! I'm not afraid to use the cancer word. I know someone, who knows someone, who once was served in a Waitrose on holiday by a woman whose mother had CANCER. How horrific is that? I was touched by this so strongly that I had to arrange immediately a visit to my personal doctor to have a full body scan and some complimentary therapies to help de-stress myself. I haven't been able to bring myself to speak to this jellyfish woman since. HOW DARE SHE bring such negativity into my world!


The fish pedicure is so early 2011 anyway. Does anyone EVEN have these anymore? and what will happen to the fish when the last person has had their filthy hard skin chewed off.

Can I buy them all up to put in my swimming pool in my country home? I'm sure I will be able to rent them out to my neighbours if I tell them the fish will be able to chew off their tails.


LJ x x


AKA
Big Fashionista x x
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17 comments

  1. Looooool I love it *applauds*

    I honestly can't believe someone can says something so closedminded, foolish and blatantly racist!!!

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  2. hehe loved it :D

    www.missmathful.blogspot.com

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  3. Sodding brilliant, you are better at Liz Jones than Liz Jones is, bloody hilarious!

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  4. Brilliant, Liz Jones awful columnist and pretty poor example of humanity x

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  5. Ha, ha, ha! LOVE IT! Brilliant! :)

    I actually used to like reading Liz Jones' column in the Mail on Sunday magazine, years ago. I even bought one of her 'amusing' books. Then I realised what a thoroughly unpleasant person she can be. Did you see LJ on Mary Queen of Shops last week??? Who does she think she is to speak to people in such a condescending way. GGGGGGggrrrrr!!!!

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  6. Hahahahaaa....just missing a mention of mystery rock star boyfriend...

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  7. Brilliant! I hate Liz Jones. You should send this to Mary Portas - I bet she isn't too fond of Liz Jones either.

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  8. love love love! hilarious xx

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  9. Kellie i hate Liz Jones but i actually full on love you!!!

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  10. This was so funny, was wondering if you were going to use the phrase 'my surgeon mentioned' hahahahahahaha CANNOT STAND HER!! Bang on, hilarious. <3

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  11. hahaha love this, can't stand her <3
    xxx


    http://angiebeautybelle.blogspot.com/

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  12. Fantastic!! But I spotted a typo - surely Liz would only encourage breast reduction ;)

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  13. That was so bloody funny! I wish Ms Jones could read it!xx

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  14. lol lol lol lol lol

    As I have said via Tweetland - you crack me up Big Fash xxx

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  15. I had never actually heard of her before and made the mistake of hitting Google. What a absolute grade A idiot this woman is!

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  16. Laughing so hard here! Love it!

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