Monday, 5 December 2011

An alibi waiting to happen

So after some quite serious "female issues" lately I had a conversation with my mother that went something like this.

"well don't forget darling, both your nan and I went through the menopause at 34"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Firstly, I'm 35.

Secondly, If I was going to be handed something genetically, I'd much rather have had long legs or blonde hair.

But no, I get a shortage of eggs instead.


So I need to turn this to my advantage.

Firstly, I may have to go shoplifting. Surely the menopause is a great alibi? Christmas is coming, I can say I shoved that ten pound turkey up my jumper to cool me down can't I? I could get the whole christmas dinner (as long as it's frozen goods) and just claim short-term memory loss due to the menopause.

I don't know many security guards who would go near a menopausal woman without a taser and a rope on a stick like the RSPCA people have do you?

"Did she say she was menopausal?"

"Oh Jesus, just let her have the turkey, we aren't allowed to carry Tasers anymore and I'm not going hand to hand with her"

Secondly, can I murder my other half and get away with it? It's the best excuse I can ever think of. Sorry officer, I stabbed him 40 times in the face because he looked at me funny.

I better hope for a female judge.

 It isn't fair. All I have in my future is night sweats, tears and a thickening midriff. If I was a guy I would be able to crave a motorbike or a sports car and they don't even have a real menopause!!!!!

Who decided that this was okay? Men I imagine. The have a mid-life crisis (oh boo hoo) and have collectively decided that this is a great excuse for a new car and a younger woman.

So I am going to start telling people that women at the start of a menopause it is the LAW that they all need to shop for a whole new wardrobe (no polyester allowed) and at least three new pairs of shoes.

Well if I can't get away with the shoplifting and the murder I might as well get something fun out of this.

Feel free to spread the word ladies, one day this will be you.

Although I might just have one go of the Turkey thievery. those bad boys are expensive.



Any other ideas what I might be able to get away with?


Let me know


Big Fashionista x x
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6 comments

  1. Isn't it a joy!! I am waiting for mine to kick in properly, am currently peri-menopausal - apparently the menopause is unlike all the other female things you can be "a bit" menopausal in a way that is just not possible with pregnancy, which is novel. Massive downside is that my alcohol tolerance has been reduced to zero at just the point in my life where I need a shit load of booze if I am to maintain any semblance of normality. I used to be able to do a bottle of wine and a couple of shorts and feel fine in the morning, now couple of glasses of wine I wake up with a banging headache and beyond dehydrated. Luckily the menopause has had no affect whatsoever on my sex life, largely because having been married for 23 years I don't have one. x

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  2. Oh jeepers, shove that turkey up your jumper and take to carrying a stick in case anyone has anything to say about it. I completely agree with you, you may as well. There are lots of great replacement therapies out there though that may make it a bit easier. Definitely get yourself a potentially menopausal wardrobe though, it is necessary.

    Xx

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  3. Having turned 40 this year I hear you…
    I'm planning, when mine kicks in, to emulate my mum's menopause and spend the whole time drifting through the house in some kind of voile creation opening all the windows whilst the rest of the house freezes its collective bollocks off and Feels. My. Pain.

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  4. I had hormone replacement therapy and didn't notice a thing. I can highly recommend it.

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