Saturday, 30 July 2011

Golden Balls

That David Beckham, God he is sexy but if he was my husband, and I had just popped out child No 4 and he was walking around saying that he wanted another baby. I would be punching him in his pretty little face right about NOW.

Mr Beckham, sometimes it is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

It is lucky that he is so good looking. (I MAY have just added that statement as an excuse to add a picture)



Sigh.

I don't care how hot you look in your pants David, if you were my hubby I'd be making sure those pants WERE glued on for a while.


Although I'd make sure that was ALL you were wearing. (I could still look couldn't I)

David, I'm sure your wife is over the moon that after birthing child No 4 less than two weeks ago you are already thinking about child No 5 - NOT

But as an outsider it sure is hot to see that wicked glint in your eye still.

And if you ever want someone to practice on...............................


Call me.



Big Fashionista x x
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Friday, 29 July 2011

Nom Or Vom

So it is Friday and I have a hankering for some sexy fine man to be displayed upon my blog for you all to peruse.


I am reliably informed that this guy is a surfer. Quite frankly I wouldn't care if he was a bin man. I want him unwashed and brought to my boudoir IMMEDIATELY people. I can think of at least thirty different things I want to do to this man and I think some of them are illegal!!!!!!!!!!


Ladies and Gentlemen,


Kelly Slater.


Hot body? check. Smouldering looks? Check. Oh this is looking good.



What lovely teeth you have Kelly



What lovely abs you have Kelly.



Oh Kelly, What a lovely back you have.



Oh Kelly, What a lovely.......................................................................




So, what do we think everyone?


Nom or Vom

Big Fashionista x x
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Thursday, 28 July 2011

What's up Doc?

Dear ER, I blame you for the disappointment coursing through my body today. In fact ALL American hospital dramas, I am personally holding you responsible for my sinking realisation that there are NO HOT DOCTORS IN REAL LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I know, I know, I know. I should have been aware of this fact quicker, but I was too busy ogling Dr House.


Oops, wrong pic.



See, A hot doctor, Ok now his bedside manner may leave a little to be desired but it's not his bedSIDE manner I'm interested in.


Not convinced? Let me show you some more (ahem) evidence.


Your Honour, shall I just rest my case now?

You want to examine more evidence?

(Thought you might)



See, these Doctors are so scorching it is almost worth getting sick for.

How about the cute AND funny doctor?



See, All these doctors SHOULD exist. My TV tells me so................................


But they don't.......................... Boo, sucks to be me.


I've spent the day today in a hospital with Mr Fashionista (He'll live) and while he was in surgery I had a spare two hours to trawl....... I mean search..... for good looking doctors (purely as research you understand). And I can tell you that I would probably need a couple of weeks, a map and a topped up oyster card to find even one that is half decent and less than twice my age!!!!


So where are they all?

Are all the hot doctors placed in just one hospital? Is there a hotty hospital somewhere packed to the rafters with good looking GPs, Sexy surgeons and awesome anaesthetists (Do you know how many times I had to re-write that word?) or do they ration them to one per hospital and then hide them in the basement?


I'd love to know.

Does your hospital have a hotty Doctor, Or shall I accept the realisation that they don't exist and just stick to the drama versions?


Let me know.


Big Fashionista x x
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Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Anniversary gift help. You're Welcome.

Now for people out there (un)lucky enough to be married, you may or may not know (or care, hey, I didn't say happily married did I?) that while there are the BIG anniversaries out there, Silver, Gold, (yawn, bored now) Ruby.


There are also lots of other ones out there to keep things romantic and totally topical. Now I have to admit that as an unmarried long-term partner I didn't know most of these so let's start at the beginning and work our way through them in true Big Fashionista style.

1st Anniversary.

Cotton.

Hmmmmmm, still in the first flush of love, I can't see how you can NOT make cotton romantic. Cotton sheets? which you could lay naked upon............................. (is that not romantic?)

2nd Anniversary

Paper

Not loved up anymore? nothing says Happy Anniversary like divorce papers. Paper, see. You are still keeping in line with the theme. Well done you.


3rd Anniversary

Leather

Three years married, that spark you once had in the bedroom may be fading, may I suggest a soft leather paddle (Oh come on, I'm not saying go straight in with a leather gimp mask am I? Unless that's your "thang" in which case, Happy Anniversary bet you couldn't wait for year three could you?)

4th Anniversary

Fruit and Flowers

Seriously? Fruit and flowers? For doing four years hard time? Marks & Spencers supermarket sweep perhaps. A fruit salad and a bunch of daffs may swing it with some women but be prepared, most women who are into traditional gifts weren't looking forward to year four. you may have to work REALLY hard at this one.

5th Anniversary

Wood

Wood? Are you freaking me!!!!! Wood? Now I could get filthy here but thats WAY too easy (Oh work it out yourself) Why couldn't the fifth anniversary be chocolate or something handy?

6th Anniversary

Sugar

Oh hang on, Chocolate contains Sugar doesn't it? Sorted. Happy anniversary darling. Seriously men, you can't mess this one up. UNLESS your beloved is on a diet.
Wow, sucks to be you right now.

7th Anniversary

Woollen.

Ok, now you can play this safe, jumper, a nice knitted scarf or you could buy the one you love a sheep. Tie a note around its neck saying "I LOVE EWE" (You're welcome)

8th Anniversary

Salt.

Salt? yeah I'm giving up on this one, you are on your own here.
Good luck.


9th Anniversary

Copper

OH COME ON, Who thinks these up!!!!!!!! Word to the wise, NO copper bottomed saucepans. One of those bad boys wrapped around your head on your anniversary is going to end with you cancelling your anniversary dinner plans. (especially if those dinner plans were letting them COOK for you with those pans)

10th Anniversary

Tin.

I can't even blame men for coming up with these. No man in his right mind would put himself through the hell of having to buy these gifts. It would go 1, flowers. 2, flowers. 3 flowers. 4, Errrrrrrrrrrr flowers.

11th Anniversary

NOTHING.

What? Nothing? how can you be controlled for ten years and dictated to what tradition says you should buy and then have year 11 off? Especially after TIN. you don't even get a chance to make it up to your beloved!!!!

12th Anniversary

Silk and fine linen.

Knickers, going to be isn't it? (rolls eyes)

13th Anniversary AND 14th Anniversary

Freestyle.

Seriously, yet again there is nothing. Fly free little ones. Fly free.

15th Anniversary.


Crystal

Oh yes, you are getting old, suddenly a crystal vase seems like THE BEST present ever. (Don't you wish you'd got the gimp mask now, alllllllll those years ago)


20th Anniversary

China

Yes, I know. We missed out about five years. Lets face it. years 15-20? You've got lazy and possibly predictable. Your twentieth anniversary is probably china to replace all the ones you've thrown over the last 5 years. I hope you are still as in love today as you were twenty years ago. Or are you just now comfortable?


25th Anniversary

Silver.

The one that everyone knows. You mess that one up, you are a disaster!!!! It's impossible to screw up.  You just can't. Ok. Off you go.


30th Anniversary

Pearl.

Jesus, Pearl? For 30 years? I'd want a pearl shaped MEDAL please. A bloody big one. A REALLLLLLY big one.


35th Anniversary.

Coral.

Who makes it this long? Honestly? 35 years. these days? A 35th wedding anniversary is like a piece of coral. In danger of disappearing altogether!


40th Anniversary

Ruby

A curry? After forty years? Don't even THINK about it sunshine, it wouldn't be funny.

50th Anniversary

Gold

Occasionally I hear about people reaching this mythical number. A golden wedding anniversary awakens the romantic bone I have in my body. (I usually keep it in my ear)


60th Anniversary

Diamond

NOW comes the bloody diamond!!!! After sixty years!!!! What's that good for now?
Same with all of these as well!!!!!!

65th Anniversary

Blue Sapphire



70th Anniversary

Platinum


80th Anniversary

Oak


85th Anniversary


Wine


90th Anniversary

Stone


I think Lee Evans put it best when he said it's slightly harsh to make people buy each other parts of their funeral as anniversary gifts. CASKET, WINE, HEADSTONE.


Do you agree with following traditional wedding anniversary gifts?


Or are you jaded and totally anti-wedding?

Like me :-)



Let me know


Big Fashionista x x
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Monday, 25 July 2011

Spoiled Brat Competition

So last week I hit 500 blog followers, (seriously, what kept you?) and to celebrate this monumental (in my eyes) achievement those lovely people over at Spoiled Brat have come up with a superb prize for me to offer one of my sexy followers. (yes you, I'm talking to you)


Designed by Anna Lou exclusively for Spoiled Brat this necklace is perfect for any stylish "Brat" out there.


I have to admit, I'm loving this. (being a bit of a brat myself) and could see myself styling this out alllllllllllll summer long.

But as I can't enter my own competition then I might as get on with the it. (sulks slightly)


Take yourself over to http://www.spoiledbrat.co.uk/ and have a look around, then come back and tell me your FAVOURITE item from Spoiled Brat with a link to it and let me know why you love it.

Easy huh?


For example

My favourite items are the Spirit Hoods.

http://www.spoiledbrat.co.uk/spirithoods-398.phtml

I love them all, from the Wolf (my favourite) to the Lion and the Fox. I just adore them as I'm a huge hat wearer, animal lover and can see myself wearing one all winter long. (It is winter now isn't it?)

Cute huh?



Now for the boring but necessary rules bit.


You must be a follower of my blog to enter this competition.

UK entries only I'm afraid.

The competition will run until Friday evening at 5pm.



and the competition starts........................................................




NOW.



So what's YOUR favourite Spoiled Brat item?


Let me know.


Big Fashionista x x
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Saturday, 23 July 2011

Friday, 22 July 2011

Nom or Vom

So it's Friday, and you know what that means?

A hot, possibly shirtless male celeb for us to grade like a piece of meat.

God I LOVE Fridays.

(If you are new to the Nom or Vom party, grab a coffee and prepare to grade like a teacher marking some maths homework. I'm aiming for an A+ here)


Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you

Jared Leto.

Now ok, this is a guy that may not tick everyones boxes but I do like a man who can wear more eyeliner than me and make me want to bang him like a screendoor in a hurricane.


Take a look.

Oh hi Jared, flicks hair. you are looking FINE!!!!


Awwwwwwww, I want to take him home to mum.


See, I LOVE this look.




 The new advert for Hugo Boss, Just Different. I want to lick every poster I see. (I'm now banned from Boots)


Gratuitous topless shot. (Rude not to)



So what do you think?



Nom or Vom?


Let me know.



Big Fashionista x x
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Thursday, 21 July 2011

Reincarnation, it's what you need.

So I have decided, if this reincarnation stuff is for real, I need to start thinking about what I would like to come back as.


(Look, it's Thursday, things are going wrong left, right and centre, my daughters prom is tonight and she informs me she needs a handbag, roll with me on this one people, I want to come back as something relaxing)

The OBVIOUS thing to be reincarnated as is a cat, think about it. Lots of naps, food, getting stroked makes you happy. (Hang on, I think I may already BE a cat!!)
The only thing that puts me off putting in for a feline transfer is the old, licking the bum clean malarkey. It will take a lot of naps to get over that one. Oh and the fact I don't like fish................ or mice.

Shall we put cat on the backburner?


So what else?

A bird just seems so tiring, all that flap, flap, flap. I don't even like walking fast. the thought of having to fly everywhere? EXHAUSTING and a NEST!!!!! Do I seem like a nest sort of girl to you?


I could come back as something scary, (No sniggering at the back) A lion perhaps? I'd like to be a wild one, not a zoo bred one. I don't do bars. Although I could see me kicking up a bit of a fuss that I'd hunted, stalked and killed dinner and Mr Big Balls himself saunters over, rips off the best bits for himself and then leaves me whats left.

Although I wouldn't have to cook it I suppose, That's always a bonus.

"What's for dinner?"

"raw meat"

"What's for breakfast?"

"raw meat

"What's for lunch?"

"Take a wild guess you muppet"

So maybe lion isn't quite what I am looking for.


Something smaller?

A fish? I'm not a great swimmer.

An ant? It just seems like SUCH hard work being an ant, scurry here, carry there.


By jove I think I've got it.


I quite like the idea of being a black widow spider, Are they the ones that mate and then rip the head of their partner

Sign me up to be one of them please. I can quite happily get with that program.


Reincarnation here I come. (Waves eight legs atcha)


What would you be?



Let me know



Big Fashionista x x
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Wednesday, 20 July 2011

To cull or not to cull.

Today I have been reading a huge amount about a badger cull which has been agreed upon by the goverment even though an independent study has shown that the cull of badgers will have no effect on the BTB (bovine turbuculosis) threat to cattle as so few badgers in BTB hotspots are actually infected.

It  has been described as a black day for badgers.

And I am inclined to agree.

So find a petition and sign it, lobby your local MPs, and find ways that we can make our voices heard on behalf of the badgers.




In the meantime...................................................

In true Big Fashionista style,

I started to think about what else would benefit from a cull.

Well if we can save the badgers and there is all the culling equipment just laying around, it would be a criminal shame to waste a good culling opportunity wouldn't it?


Firstly, men.

Let's face it, I think a cull is LONG overdue, and if they are culling badgers for the spread of diseases then I know some slagbag men that need to be put in the firing line of some culling way before the badgers.

(Oh calm yourself, I'm not talking about you)


Politicians?

I can almost feel the line forming to be the one to pull the trigger.
Although the way things are going, soon there won't be any politicians left to cull (shame) stand down fellow cullers, our services may be put to better use elsewhere.



Justin Bieber and all his Bielebers or whatever the hell they're called.

Shall I just make a "form an orderly queue" sign now? 


How about Chavs?

There would have to be a certain criteria that they have to meet before they are up for the chop. What can I say? I'm not a heartless psychopathic bitch who fantasises about killing everyone (Or am I?)

Do you wear a scrunchie?

Do you have a Staffordshire bull terrier?

Do you own more than four pieces of gold purchased from Elizabeth Duke?

Do you aspire to be on Jeremy Kyle?

If you answer yes to all four then if you would be so kind as to just slip your head into this hood and kneel down over here on this plastic sheet?

This will hurt you more than it will hurt me.



So there you go, My OPINION on who deserves a cull more than the badgers.


Is there anyone you'd like to add to my list while I'm on the rampage?


Let me know



Big Fashionista x x
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Tuesday, 19 July 2011

It's all about the Keywords.

It is no secret that any blogger or writer in general usually spends a hell of a lot of time scrutinising their stats, watching their hits go up or down (cough, down, cough) and the number of followers, sorry MEMBERS closely to see if people are leaving in droves or coming to join the party.

One of the best things about any statistic recorder is the keyword analysis.

How do people find my blog?

What do they type into Google or any other search engine that makes my blog appear on their screens?



Let me tell you, There are some SICK people out there on the internet!! Who knew? And why did no-one tell me!!!

Firstly.

Why the hell is my blog the first point of call for anyone who does a Google image search for a "manatee"

Now I know that I've been slightly lax on my diet but come on guys, Slightly harsh!!!!

A manatee? (puts down cake and picks up celery sticks)  I'd accept sealion. but come on! Sigh. Google you are mean.


Other keyword searches which have brought people to my blog include.

"Big boobed woman naked"
(I hope they were REALLY disappointed by that search)

Neil Diamond is Hairy
(Yes, yes he is)

Big Fashionista likes men
(yes, yes I do)

I have a girl crush on Big Fashionista.
(Awwwwwwwww, thank you, but see above)

Address of Big Fashionista
(calls police and googles self to make sure my address doesn't appear)

Squirrel damage to my wheelie bin lid
(All squirrels are bastards)

Knees apart for the smear test nurse
(Always helps. PS Smear tests save lives)


I have to admit some of those had me reaching for the Tena Lady, while others had me reaching for the mace (Which I do HAVE, remember that freakos)

If you have a blog what is the weirdiest way your blog has been found?

or how have you found my blog?  (Checks pocket for Mace again)


Let me know x x



Big Fashionista x x
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Monday, 18 July 2011

The "Princess effect"

Dear Walt, Can I call you Walt, (Now, I know you are dead but hey, a little bit of respect goes a long way I think)



Dear Walt,


I HATE you,


Thanks

Yours Sincerely


Kellie (Thats me)



Ok, now some of you may be removing me from your RSS feed as we speak but hear me out.


Walt Disney has ruined my life.

Want to know why?

I grew up with Walt Disney films, and now I fear I have been left with the "Princess effect"

I don't want to BE a princess. (I will leave that to the Kate Middletons of this world)

 I want to be treated like a princess!! preferably one of these.



I want the romance to never die, even if I do sleep for a hundred years, I want to be pursued and wanted, loved and cherished, rescued from an evil step-mother. dammit I want to be put on a pedestal, even bloody sang to if the mood is right. I want to be saved from a dragon, even if I know full well I can take that dragon by myself. (What, I want to be a princess, not a pushover)

As Julia Roberts put it so well in Pretty Woman.

"I want the fairytale"

(although she also said  "you could pay me now, and break the ice" so maybe I'll disregard some of her wisdom)

Now anyone who knows me in real life would probably think that the idea of me being a sucker for romance is absurd. I'm pretty sure I have a reputation of being a no nonsense woman who will not depend on a man for anything (And they would be right)

But Walt Disney owns a piece of my ass and that piece is fluffy, soft and girlie and there is nothing I can do about it.

That part of me wants to be looked at as if I am the only woman in the world and be craved so hard that it hurts, To be made to feel as if I am special.

(Apologies to anyone who can feel vomit rising)

I curse you Disney. (and your stupid mouse too)  

I was dripfed "happily ever after" as a child and I don't think I've been completely weaned.


And while I am happy being a strong independent woman who can slay dragons for myself and I have enough self-respect to know that a man doesn't have to "complete me" (Thanks Jerry Macguire) There is still a tiny part of me that wants that tiara and all that goes with it.


And Walt, (Are we still on first name terms here?)

I blame YOU.

Big Fashionista x x


What do you think? Is anyone else out there suffering from the "Princess effect"

Or do I need to watch some horror films to try and remove the infection that is all things Disney?


Let me know



BF x x
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Friday, 15 July 2011

Nom or Vom

Oh yes we are BACK baby.

And to celebrate the fact that Nom or Vom is back with a bang I have trawled the internet high and low for some delicious pictures of a hot man. (sigh, hard job and all that)

Now as usual I am expecting not to be able to please everyone (these days it is rare if I can please anyone) but I am hoping that some people out there can appreciate a good looking man who lets face it has improved with age.


This guy started off (I'm going to be honest here) as a bit of a geek, the male equivalent of a last knockings bang in the dark. You WOULD, but you'd need to have your wine glasses on.

But NOW.

Hell I'd do a walk of shame over broken glass for this guy.


Ladies and Gentleman.


Justin Timberlake.


Obligitory topless shot.





Gratuitous topless shot.





Obligitory gratuitous half topless shot.




Sometimes what makes a man totally nom is his ability to look as good IN clothes as he does out of them.



Oh who the HELL am I trying to kid? Get em OFF Trousersnake!!!!





Sigh.


So what do we think everyone.

Nom or Vom?



Let me know


Big Fashionista x x x x
                                                                                      
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Thursday, 14 July 2011

Musical Youths

So it is that time of year.

End of term. The approach of the six weeks hell-iday that costs a small fortune and usually ends with parents everywhere tearing their hair out by the roots and weeping with joy the first day back to school in September (I personally have a 9am school gates dance. Ask anyone who knows me, I KNOW how to bust some moves)

Now while my aim is to kick the arse out of the final weeks of term and my freedom by filling my time with "me" things such as  (..........well, don't ask actually, some things are just for me) the school seems to have different plans for me. Achievement awards, Sports Day AND the worst of all

MUSICAL ASSEMBLIES.

Now don't get me wrong, I love music, But there is no way on this fine earth that any 6yr old in an east london school can make a violin solo sound anything other horrific. Throw in four other 6 year olds each with their own weapons of ear destruction, make them screech out a version of................. well, actually I couldn't tell you what it was they were playing, then top it off with my favourite method of torture,
THE RECORDER,

and then repeat, and repeat and repeat with different instruments and songs until my ears begin to bleed.

CLARINETS!

No, no, no. Whenever I see a clarinet start to make it's way to the stage, I want to make like a News Of The World report and start hacking make my excuses and leave. 

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that a child will do something extremely funny (and then I just have to hope that the child is not one of mine) such as sing extremely loudly and out of tune, cry on the stage, or my personal favourite, stick their tongue out and generally show off while on stage. (I do love that)

Other than that the only other kicks I get at musical assemblies is watching the faces of pushy parents around me as their pride and joy steps up on the stage and does their thang. I love it when a sheer look of horror crosses their face as they realise that they don't have a child prodigy on their hands (I am yet to find a recorder playing child prodigy) The smug look on their face is quickly followed by horror and then comes the fixed grin which usually stays in place throughout the whole performance before slipping at the end with the cold hard realisation that they better cancel that audition with Britains Got Talent.

Gutted.

Okay, so maybe the musical assemblies aren't THAT bad (they are) and I'm sure they could be a hell of a lot worse (they can't) but give me two weeks and I will probably be begging to attend another one rather than have my little cherubs at home with me 24-7.

I'm off to look for some presents for my childrens teachers,

Although I'm sure they should be buying ME a present. They're getting six weeks off to rest and relax. I'm about to start the hardest six weeks of my life!!!!

I wonder if the teachers will appreciate the gift of recorders?

Because I sure as hell don't want them in my house!


Big Fashionista x x x
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Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Guru Fashionista

Ah Google Friends Connect,

Talk about ruin my fantasy. (No not that one... ahem, that one is still live and kicking, I'm talking about the other one)

I look at the number of followers that listen to my daily rambles (sorry about the quality lately guys, I'm pushing on through...said the Actress to the Bishop) and watching as my number of followers goes up and down like Charlotte Churchs' knickers (oooh topical, see what I did there) and what do I see?


My followers are no more!


I now have members.

Where is the fun in that?

Now for everyone wondering what the hell I am going on about, Google Friend Connect is that little widget over there ------------------------------------------->
with about 482 (481, 480,479) faces on it who get my blog on their reader list and have to suffer my ranty moods and discussions about Dead Animal Bingo. (If you don't know, don't ask)

I've decided I liked having followers. Followers is a fabulous word. It makes me want to whisper in everyones ear to do something naughty like bunk off school, or lets all wear a waistcoat at the same time in the same colour so we look alike.  (So I'm no rebel, I think we've established)


I think I would be make an excellent cult............ I said CULT. (although some may think they preferred how they were reading it)

I wouldn't be boring and ask for your money, (your make-ups? yes, send me your make-ups) I think the money cult thing has been done to death. and I'm sure we could have worked something out about a uniform that was smokin' HAWT. (the sackcloth look is SO 1980's cult it is untrue) Maybe something vintage? well made, well cut. (Ok, maybe I would've needed some of your money, oh hell, who am I kidding. You want heaven? Send me all your cash, your guru demands it)

Guru needs new shoes.

I think what would've made me a great cult leader is my lack of suicidal tendencies (although that mood does change rapidly) Basically I see no reason to spend my time training and grooming my followers only to kill them off like a bored child with ants and a magnifying glass.

Ex-followers can breathe a united sigh of relief.



But NO, Google Friend Connect have spoilt that fantasy for me forever.

(GFC we will always have Paris, and the leather..... ahem )


And what have they left me with?

MEMBERS.



And who fantasises about members?





waits for penny to drop.




Let me know?


(No not about the final question, oh go on then if you want)



Big Fashionista x x
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Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Dear July

Dear July,

I'm so sorry that it has come to this, we were once so close, you used to bathe me in warmth (and I used to complain I was too hot) send me gifts such as storm flies (flowers are so over rated aren't they) and generally make me happy.


Well maybe we have been together too long July because quite frankly, you've stopped trying. You remind me of my ex, April. Cool and wet (might have to look them up again)

I don't want to have to do this July but we are OVER. You've stopped trying.

Today I had to wear a jacket!!!!!!!! A Jacket!! Oh the shame. For years I thought you knew exactly what I wanted. I thought our needs were in sync. You gave me a tan and the inspiration to lose weight before your hotter older brother came along (August) and I respected your wishes and didn't complain too much about the odd storm fly invasion.

WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT ANYWAY

Does someone what they are all about? where do they come from? Where do they go? Do they only live for one day or have wings for just one day? These are the things that keep me awake at night (Along with the baby pigeon saga)

Anyway, I digress.

July, Are you cheating on me? With another country? You must be working your magic somewhere and I know it isn't here.

How the hell am I meant to be inspired to lose my winter excess fat if I don't have to show off my arms and legs? In fact why should I even bother to shave my legs at all?

Lets face it July, The heat has gone out of our relationship.

LITERALLY.


So lets just walk away with our heads held high.

You go your way and I will go mine.

It wasn't me, it was you.


But before you go, can I get the number of August please, I think we have a connection and would love to get to know them better.


Big Fashionista x x
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Monday, 11 July 2011

Anti-social Networking

I can't handle it, it is all too much. No I'm not talking about Harper Seven (Sounds like a British-made car in my opinion)

I'm talking about Google +

The new Book of Face perhaps?

Or will it be the next................ (whispers) Myspace!!!!!! (whatever happened to that anyway?)

To be honest I don't really give a stuff.

Social media is taking over and making people less social than they have ever been.

Google +, Google Buzz, It is making my BRAIN google just thinking about it.

I can't handle it any more. Social networking OVERLOAD or what?

Facebook, Twitter, Google +,  Linkedin, Google Buzz.

It is a way of showing people that you don't care enough to go out and party with, what a great time you have when you go out and party!!!!

I think someone forgot to put the Anti in Social Networking.

So I'm giving myself an ASBO and cutting down on my social networking for a while.

I'm not feeling all that social anymore. (Plus I've had a bit of a crisis of confidence lately with my writing)


What do you think, Is there TOO much Social Networking which is stopping us from making real friends? Or will you be embracing Google + with a hug and a glass of something cold and wet?


Let me know.



Big Fashionista x x
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Thursday, 7 July 2011

The end of The World? or not......................................

So The News Of The World is dead is it?

Long live The Sun on Sunday..........


Because lets face it, Rupert Murdoch isn't going to kill his golden goose without good reason.

Rebrand

Relaunch

all that is missing is

Remorse

Does News International think that we are ALL that dumb? (I'll let them have some)

What they did was a disgrace. Now I have heard people say that it was a different time, it was part of the whole journalist tradition to do anything to get a story.

I beg to differ.

Not all journalists check their morals at the door. Some journalists on the NOTW should be incredibly proud of what they achieved there. Campaigns, awards and fundraising. Some good work was done.

It is just a shame that the actions of a few impact on so many now.


And who is the person with whom the buck was supposed to stop?

Rebekah Brooks.

Editor at the time and now high up on the News International food chain she has escaped so far unscathed where others are now paying for the sins of their fathers. (Or in Rebekahs case, mother)

Wow, How does she sleep at night? Not exactly going down with her ship is she?
(One could wonder who she was going down on to escape the sack?  erm..... allegedly)


I posted earlier that The News Of The World is like a cockroach. It isn't dead, it is just playing dead, (Plus it thrived on shit) The more cynical amongst us may wonder why two days ago The Sun on Sunday domain was purchased,

Is this Rupert Murdochs way of trying to sanitise News International before the BSkyB takeover deal?

Or does he really think that people are SO stupid they will instantly forgive and forget and buy his new rag! (I wouldn't use it to line my cat litter tray)

I don't know whether I am more insulted that News International think we are dumb enough to fall for the rebranding (I still haven't got over Opal Fruits, this may take a lot longer) or that we will forgive them for making hard working people redundant whilst keeping the Editor at the time (Rebekah Brooks) as an integral part of the News International "family" (vomits)


I for one will not be purchasing any crap that they bring out to replace The News of The World, and I hope you won't be either.

And for god's sake no purchasing the last issue as a souvenir!!!!


What do you think?


Let me know.
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Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Charity Muggers

You know the ones...........................


They are everywhere, Your local High Street, Hanging around on random street corners like hoodies with ASBOS, even Shopping Centres these days are breeding them like ants.


Charity collectors. Those hyped up legal muggers who prey on your conscience and purse in equal measure. With their professional patter that has been honed to perfection (probably at the same place they train Benefit Make up Counter staff) these guys and gals have had the ability to recognise the word NO surgically removed.

Have you ever been collared by one? They follow you down the road using lines that even a desperately horny guy at last knockings would be embarrassed to use. Flattery doesn't even cover the sort of bull they try to feed you to get you to cough up your bank details to donate monthly.

And the SMILES, While they remove the word no from their brains they obviously throw in a couple of stitches at each side of their mouth to give them eerily manic grins that make them look as though they piss glitter.

I would be interested in watching the training seminar these people go through. You must be a special kind of person to be able to take rejection over and over again hoping that the next one says yes. (Back to desperately horny guy again) But that is what they do. It's purely a numbers game for these people. They just keep on coming. And the sheer number of these professional muggers mean that it is impossible to escape. It is like an obstacle course of charity collectors, you can dodge one, possibly climb over another one, even skip past a third. but one of them is gonna getcha, getcha good they will.


Now a trip to my local High Street usually leaves me homicidal with rage (I have to be muzzled and kept on a short leash) at the best of times, But bumping into one or more of these usually leaves me frothing at the mouth. My charitable donations are down to me. I donate to whom I want, when I want. and I won't be guilt-tripped, flattered or harassed into donating to anyone else.

I've tried the "I'm sorry, I don't have time to chat" approach, the "I've already donated to the other guy up the road" even the "I have pepper spray and unless you back the f*** up out of my face I'm gonna unload the whole canister" approach (That one has mixed results) and they still keep coming.

I can't believe that they actually get people to donate on the street, The chances of me giving some random my bank details is about as high as me giving some random my phone number (Not ever gonna happen)

But some people must do it or the whole practice would have died out by now. Do they target a particular group of people that they know are soft touches? Am I perceived as a potential soft touch (Guys, you are definitely barking up the wrong tree there) Who the HELL donates to these people? It is like feeding the pigeons, the more you give them, the more disease-ridden vermin swoop in and try to get a piece.


If you want to donate, then donate directly to the charity. At least then you know that they will get the whole amount.

What? You didn't think these guys did it out the goodness of their hearts did you?



Big Fashionista x x
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Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Prom night

Now I thought I had another couple of years before I had to deal with this but NO.

My daughter has proudly purchased her ticket for her PROM.


PROM?

Prom? She is Ten!!!! Ten!!!!!! (ok, slight over-use of the exclamation marks there)  I really thought I had a couple more years before I had to deal with the trials and tribulations of prom.

Now Prom is a relatively new thing over here, a bit like Sweet Sixteen parties, thanks USA & MTV, we were managing perfectly well before you came along and made things look exciting and cool. We aren't just about cucumber sandwiches and afternoon tea you know, we already knew how to rock out.

But NOW, oh god it is ALL about the dress, the shoes, (If my daughter mentions a limo I will cry) and who is taking who.

Now I was just about ready to deal with this when she left secondary school. I had a whole speech planned in regards to prom.

"Prom is a bit like sex, Your expectations are high, there is a huge build up but then at the end of the evening, chances are you will end up disappointed and there won't even be fireworks!!!!!!!"

(Ok, I may take that one back to the drawing board. Note to self. Shut up)

But Prom at ten?

I don't think I can handle this. It is hard enough that she is leaving Primary school and going up to "big school"

But her first big event?

WITH BOYS?

What if she gets kissed?

What if she DOESN'T?

Yeah, even I'm not old enough to handle this one maturely. (Her dad wants to know if he can chaperone. Think Big Chris from Lock, Stock. Probably not a good idea)

So when DID Prom become such a huge event?

And what's wrong with a good old school disco anyway?


(Goes off to purchase dress, shoes, bag and pepper spray)

Am I over reacting here?


Let me know.


Big Fashionista x x
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Monday, 4 July 2011

Lessons learnt

In my spare (Ha ha ha) time, I dabble as a facepainter, I do birthday parties, weddings and fun days. I'm no artist but I enjoy what I do (mostly)

This weekend I did a school fun day. Possibly the biggest one I have done so far.


I wanted to share with you what I have learnt over the weekend.


Firstly, Play nice with the organisers. I did and found myself in a prime position at the fun day. NEXT TO THE FIREMEN!!!!!!! Ok, so my paints melted,  I sweated buckets as I was in direct sunshine but I REPEAT, I was next to the firemen. PRIME POSITION. Cue sunglasses going on so I could check out the fitty firemen without the parents realising I was only giving their little cherubs about 50% (ok 30%) of my attention.

Secondly, when putting together all of your pictures for display, NEVER add a picture that you hate doing just because there is a space on your board. THAT is the picture you will be doing about 20 times in a row. No matter if you hide the bloody picture halfway through the day, the child first in the queue will see the child in the seat having his face done like it and want the same, then the next child in the queue will want the same and the................... you get the idea don't you?


Pricing. I have a great idea, I will make a sign, a BIG sign, a huge fuck off sign saying Facepainting £1. After ten minutes of parents asking how much does the facepainting cost you consider telling the next parent it is £2.  Twenty minutes later you are thinking that a fiver will just about cover it. Two hours after that, you fantasise that the next parent who asks how much the facepainting costs will end up impaled on a line brush with a shading brush stuck somewhere so deep they will be able to brush their teeth with it the next morning. I have issues, DEEP anger issues. (Hmmmmm, maybe painting will help)

Dear parents, yes your two year old child IS adorable, she is soooooooo cute. But when I say that they won't sit still while I turn them into a tiger. LISTEN to me. I do know what I am talking about. Chances are the bottom lip will start to quiver when I dip a sponge in the orange paint, (I'm not scary, I'm not honest....... ok, maybe a little bit) By the time I get an inch from their face you would think I was about to take a knife and gouge out their eyeball. They turn their ickle-tiny-winy faces from side to side like a demented tellytubby (baby say no no) The parents get embarassed and usually try to hold their children in a choke hold.

"See, they sit still lovely" 

"Darling, I haven't painted your child blue like something out of Avatar, you are cutting off their air supply"

"Oh"

Exit parent and weeping (still blue) child


Everyone who has ever spent time as a facepainter will tell you that there is one face that they HATE doing. For me it is Spiderman. I hate Spiderman with a vengeance. This stems from doing about 30 of the bloody things last year at a fun day. But being the nice, considerate facepainter that I am I have reached a compromise. A quarter Spiderman face, Even that is enough to bring out my bitch face but a lot of boys want to be him so hey, he makes the board. Now parents. If there is a picture on the board of a quarter face Spiderman, PLEASE don't ask me to paint it allllllllllllllllllllll over your childs face. As a "Do one" often offends.


From reading this you may get the idea that I don't really like children. after an hour or three of stupid questions, you may be right. Although mostly, apart from the odd snot mark or child sneezing in my face (yeah, thanks for that) or rubbing their face halfway through it isn't the children that give me grief. It is the adults!!!!!!

Wow, another lesson learnt.


My next booking is in a couple of weeks.

Anyone have any tips, tricks or ideas for me?

Let me know




Big Fashionista
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