Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Camping it up



Whether you are thinking about attending festivals or even taking the family camping for the first time ever, there are a few tips I feel it is my DUTY to pass on as a seasoned camper.

Firstly,

Are you the sort of person who thinks "roughing it" is dropping down to 3 star accommodation?

Do you love duvets, warmth and being clean?

If you are nodding right about now then you may want to enquire about getting your deposit back. If you feel you MUST get "back to nature" may I suggest grabbing a sofa, a bar of chocolate and settling for Bear Gryllis on the TV.

You'll thank me one day.

If you are still game then grab your tent, I'm going to "pitch" you some ideas (sorry about that)

Lets talk mud.

Mud is everywhere, It could be August, May or bloody June and there will still be mud. Take wellies, They may not go with your outfit. They may give you "welly rot" (That's WELLY rot, pervs) but they will save you a million times over. Learn from my recent mistake. I packed Birkenstocks, ONLY Birkenstocks. If I was part of a camping club I would be thrown out in disgrace. A schoolgirl error I won't be repeating.

The other problem with mud is you never really know whether it really is mud you are stepping in. (Yeah, I went there) You could be stepping in shit. Don't wipe it on your finger and sniff it-got it?

Next tip I can pass on and if you are only skimming this STOP.

Toilet roll.

Let me repeat.

TOILET ROLL, TOILET ROLL, TOILET ROLL, TOILET ROLL.

I'd rather forget my sleeping bag than toilet roll.

You are sitting on the toilet (or a bucket) you reach over..................... and nothing.

I've been there. I would have sold my first-born for a glimpse of an Andrex puppy. (I've been so desperate in the past I would have actually wiped myself with that puppy)

Leave your toothbrush, Forget your soap, but NEVER forget toilet roll.



Now picture the scene, you roll up on a beautiful field where you are about to pitch your tent for the next week. There is a idyllic little farm by the field with piggy-wiggies, goats and chickens. Wouldn't that be a lovely place to camp near.

STOP

Back up a bit, think again. Pigs smell, goats smell and where there are chickens there are roosters, and where there are roosters there is a a good lie-in ruined. Roosters start crowing at about four am and only have a snooze button-no off switch.
Roosters crow for so long you start to fantasize about calling Colonel Sanders and begging him for his recipe. Mmmmmmmmm KFC.


While you are packing your toilet roll, don't forget the wet wipes. Wet wipes aren't just for babies bums, they are great for a quick wash and freshen up, (you know what i'm implying) good for getting stains out of things, wet wipes are the best kept secret in the world. don't miss out. Grab a packet and chuck them in your bag. You'll never regret it.

So now I have imparted my wisdom to you (quite frankly I'm exhausted, and running on empty) Take your little tent and run free little campers, run free.

Remember what I have taught you, use it, and remember, there is NO shame in camping not being your thing, Go make a camp in a five star hotel and if you really want to experience the sounds of nature............


open a bloody window.


Big Fashionista x x

Are you a camper? or do you prefer to stay in a hotel?

Let me know.


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Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Nom or Vom Lite



It is a little known fact that I want to be Mollie from The Saturdays. Not for the fab hair, the teeth, the figure. (Although that would help)


Nope, I want her MAN. Her fine, fine man.



Todays Nom or Vom Lite is

David Gandy



What do we think?


Nom or Vom?



Big Fashionista x x
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Monday, 29 August 2011

Nom or Vom Lite

Hopefully you are reading this on Bank holiday Monday.
(If not, yeah thanks for that Blogger, Schedule Post my arse)

and as I am unable to come to the computer right now (please leave a message after the beep) I decided, lazy cow that I am Nom or Vom Lite would be perfect for a day like today (and tomorrow. Moooooooooo)

So, Nom or Vom Lite.

One picture, one snap judgement. no take backsies.

Todays Nom or Vom Lite is brought to you by Rebecca from http://www.lesalondebeaute.co.uk/ Go check her out, after first checking out.......................................................................................


Jason Schwartzman.






So what do we think?

Nom or Vom lite?

Big Fashionista x x






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Friday, 26 August 2011

Nom or Vom



So todays Nom or Vom is brought to you direct from the gorgeous and wonderful Caroline Hirons, If you don't know who Caroline is then you are quite frankly missing out. Her blog is the go-to blog for all things skincare. http://www.beautymouth.com/ Take a look, you can thank me afterwards.

So back to Nom or Vom, after a couple of weeks of disappointing Mrs Hirons she decided to e-mail me her choice for this weeks lovefest,

I don't have a CLUE who this guy is!!!!!!!!

So if there is a random dude in the middle who shouldn't be there....my bad.


Ladies & Gentlemen,

Brandon Boyd









(Oops, my bad)








So what do we think ladies and gentlemen?



Nom or Vom



Big Fashionista x x
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Thursday, 25 August 2011

Now where did I leave that?



I drive Mr Fashionista to distraction, (What can I say, it's a gift) Let me put this politely. Mr F is more than slightly OCD. He MAKES LISTS for gods sake. LISTS.

Me?

Erm, to make a list I would actually have to be able to find a pen!!! (And if I could borrow a piece of paper? that would be great, I did have a notebook but.............. um)

I am the sort of person that can actually take a sane tidy man, mess with their mind (and their house) for a while and leave behind an empty shell of a man who has completely lost the will to live. (Ok, chances are he didn't lose it, I probably misplaced it)

(like I said, it's a gift)

I basically float through life. I put things down, spend a little while looking for it. If I find it, great. If I don't? Oh well, It will turn up.

AND THAT'S THE THING.

It does.

And THAT is what drives people to distraction.

(especially my other half)

Laid back? I'm so laid back over lost items I'm horizontal. What is the point of stressing over a misplaced earring, purse, CHILD? (To be fair, it was one child, and I did find him again........eventually) They always reappear. Why give myself wrinkles worrying about that sort of stuff?  (Checks face in mirror, just in case)

I don't have places for things, Keys, handbags, coats, pens, All come in and out of my life like seasons. The only reason I don't go through more mobile phones is that they have a handy find function. (If only my childhood hamster had been fitted with a ringtone, it  would have saved a LOT of tears)

The best thing about being slightly airy-fairy over lost things is that I get constant little surprises, I can reach into a pocket of a jacket I find at the back of the wardrobe and find a ten pound note. I can find a pair of earrings that I forgot I had, that match a dress I forgot I had that go with the jacket I just found in the wardrobe. (and I have cab fare-excellent)

As someone recently described it perfectly.

I'm a leaver, Mr F is a putter.


What about you?

Do you have lists? Do you know where everything is?  (Do you know where my phone charger is?)

Or do you float through life, knowing that things will come back eventually?


Let me know.


Big Fashionista x x
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Wednesday, 24 August 2011

I Swear



Disclaimer,

The following blog contains language so foul I can only live in hope that my mother doesn't read this. (She won't)  I will not be held responsible for any heavily pregnant women going into labour, people being fired from their jobs for abusing their internet privileges, your partners leaving you for leaving dodgy web links in your browser history or your dog running away.





DARE YOU READ ON?










CUNT.


Ok, that's the difficult bit over and done with. The ice is well and truly broken.

For those of you left that haven't pressed exit on your browser. Welcome, pull up a chair. Lets talk swearing.


I swear. I swear a LOT. (A fucking lot actually)  Now I know it isn't ladylike. but that isn't the first thought that jumps into your mind when you think of me is it?

"Oooooh that Kellie, she's so...................... ladylike" Hmmmmmmmm, it just doesn't really work does it?

I pepper my language with various fucks, shit and I even throw in the occasional bollocks. BUT............. I do have some boundaries, I have yet to approach a vicar and say, "Hi Father, How's your fucking day going? Mine has been shit"     I don't swear around my mother. (She would throw her shoes at me) and I NEVER swear at my children. (I cannot stand people who swear at their children, I catch you doing that? I will teach you language that you won't find in any dictionary) I have RESPECT. If I know you don't appreciate bad language, I will TRY to restrain myself. (Can't always guarantee it though, ooops)

I enjoy swearing, I'm not afraid to admit that. but the only problem is that when your fuck, shit bollocks count is as high as your if, as, the count. How do you actually express your anger?


This is where the word cunt comes in. A word that can make a trucker blush (I have tried it, it's funny) Cunt is the KING of swear words. The daddy of all swear words. If I call you a cunt. I am one very angry woman. Although if one of my bestest friends Pip calls you a cunt it fills you with love and warmth. In her book it is a term of endearment.

The word cunt invokes many emotions. it is an angry word, a word that in this day and age where swearing is seen as part of every day language still has the ability to shock. Cunt, I find it quite liberating saying it. Bastard just doesn't have the same effect anymore. it feels diluted, over-used and just so vanilla.

I suppose in a way it is like pushing the boundaries sexually. Once you go into the gimp mask and chains stage it is impossible to go back to hand-holding. (erm, I'm not saying that from personal experience I hope you know, hides mask under pillow)


You start with a simple "oh bum" and before you know it you are at the "Can it, you muthafucka" (I may well be channelling Samuel L Jackson here)

I appreciate that swearing isn't for everyone.

Some people say that swearing shows a lack of education.

George Washington once said "The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it"


Well that's bollocks.

I much prefer Mark Twains' outlook

"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied to even prayer"


What's your opinion on swearing? Do you hate it or is it part of your everyday language.

And what is your opinion of the word cunt?

Let me know.


Big Fashionista x x




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Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Press one for.........................


Now while it is true that currently my mood can only be described as "bitch on wheels" there is one thing guaranteed to make me lose my temper SO badly that angels weep with sorrow and small puppies hide in corners.

(no, not my children, although currently they are running a close second)

AUTOMATED TELEPHONE SERVICES.

You know the ones.

Press one for this,

Press two for that.

Now while we have now got used to this being part of our daily telephone life what I can't abide is the fact that those buggers now seem to have got smart.

Side note. Why do we talk to the automated voice like it is a person? Or swear at it even? Or is that just me?

Where was I?

Smart automated services. It used to be that you pressed 1, 2 or 3 and then you got to speak to the correct person. NOW you can end up typing out a whole other telephone number before THEN being placed in a queue to finally speak to someone.

AND WE ARE PAYING FOR THE PRIVILEGE!!!!

Tricky little buggers.

But now I have come across a system so cruel, so mean and so evil it makes GP receptionists look like amateurs.

I pressed one,

I pressed three,

(I swore a little bit)

I pressed five

(I swore a little more)

and THEN, it told me there was no-one to take my call and hung up on me!!!!

IT HUNG UP ON ME!!!!!!

It made me want to press 1, 3 and 5 again so I could hang up on it first.

No-one hangs up on me,

It's automated, it should do as I tell it to. I pressed the right buttons. In the right order. If it is that bloody clever why can't it give me the option to carry on holding, I'm obviously prepared to hold a while, I pressed all the sodding buttons. I even had a cup of fresh hot coffee and a book to read while I wait.  Now it has hung up on me, I feel cheated.

I was ready to listen to crap music and wait for a while. And now I have been robbed of that experience!

See, Smart little automated systems.

First company I can find that puts me directly through to a human being I can talk to, will keep my business forever.

What do you think about these automated services?

Are you ok pressing 1,3,2, and 3?

Or do they make you want to reach down a phone and eat the eyes of the person who developed the system?


Let me know


Big Fashionista x x

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Monday, 22 August 2011

A visit from the Fairy Hobmother


Guess what has happened to me!!!

Despite my numerous threats each Friday to rip the wings off a fairy for every RT of an individuals FFs the Fairy Hobmother has paid me a visit!!!! (and not to slap me round the face either)



Now originally I had posted on Get Lippies blog that the thing I wished for was some shoes, some pretty shoes that were highly impractical and almost impossible to walk in. (ok, bedroom shoes, you got me)

Unfortunately my 11yr old daughter must have sniffed the Amazon voucher and informed me she is in desperate need of a new school bag. (How does she do that!!!)

So thank you Fairy Hobmother. You have made my daughter a very stylish girl who is ready to start her new secondary school in September with an extremely cute and bang on trend Converse bag.



So this is how it works.

Leave me a comment below with a wish for The Fairy Hobmother.

If you are lucky she may see your wish and be able to grant it.

Don't forget to leave a way for her to contact you.

And let me know if she visits you.


Thanks again Fairy Hobmother.


Big Fashionista x x


Why not go check out the site which inspired The Fairy Hobmother www.appliancesonline.co.uk


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Friday, 19 August 2011

Nom or Vom

MISSING.

One hottie.

Last seen gracing our screen properly in Prison Break, rumoured to have piled on the pounds, (more of you for me to grope darlin') this guy has dropped off the hottie radar and has not been spotted since.


Ladies & Gentlemen

Wentworth Miller












So, Have you seen this hottie? Do you have him locked in your basement and are you doing bad things to him? If so, let me know. (and some pics would be appreciated)


Ladies & Gents,


Nom or Vom?
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Thursday, 18 August 2011

Big Brother. My opinion on the housemates



So it has started, All day I have paced like an expectant father and now my bouncing baby has been delivered. It is small, cute and possibly explosive.

So what do I think

Kerry Katona.

Hmmmmm, want to play a game? Every time she bursts into tears and says she misses her family-Take a drink. Expect to be drunk for the next three weeks. Will she make it? I think she will walk, citing she misses her family too much to continue.

Tara Reid.

Seriously? What is she on? (Because I want some) Speech is slurred and there is no way she will be able to understand anyone. Keep taking the tablets hun. (but save some for me) And we get it, the door didn't open for you.

Amy Childs

Shut upppppppppppp. The Brian Belo of Celebrity Big Brother. It''s lucky she was born pretty because she missed her turn in the brains queue didn't she? Unless she is a secret genius who will be caught out reading Shakespeare under the covers. (bad girl)


Paddy Doherty.

Genius Big Brother. Pure genius. I'm thinking this guy will be untameable. And hopefully will murder Jedward in their beds. (I live in hope)


Mr Paparazzi

Well someone wants to be famous in their own right don't they? The outfit. the feathers. it just screams "Look at MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" Poacher turned gamekeeper I fear.


Sally Bercow

I'm not quite sure yet. I am hoping she cops off with Paddy on the kitchen table. She says she hasn't told her husband!!! well I want to be a fly on that wall please. I think I could grow to love her. She definitely isn't going to take any shit is she.

Lucien Laviscount

Who? Coronation St? Waterloo Rd. I haven't got a scooby who this boy is, does or has shagged? Consider yourself with a free pass kid, I'm going to have to wait until you actually do something before I judge you.

Pamela Bach Hasselhoff

I would rather have had David!!!! I love David Hasselhoff. His ex-wife? Meh, not so much. And if you've divorced, hate each other blah blah blah, drop his name love, just drop it. Can we stick her in a corner with Tara so they can share their stash?


Male model.

Listen, I didn't catch his name. Frankly I don't care. From now one he will be known as eye candy (Ok, Bobby Sabel) I'm not quite sure how he got into the house. "celebrity" is meaningless these days isn't it? I reckon he is probably the nephew of a Channel 5 executive or something, I don't care really. It is EYE CANDY. and I for one applaud a bit of nepotism now and then. in this case it is more than welcome.

Jedward

On my last post I called them the venereal disease of TV. I stand by that statement totally. The only thing I look forward to is seeing their hair all flat and floppy in the morning. If they can keep them away from the sugary drinks they may be valuable additions to the house. (ha ha ha ha KIDDING)


Overall a great mix of housemates. There will be a dash of explosive behavior, A spoonful of juvenile behavior, a lump or two...........

Channel 5 have spent their money well so far. As long as they didn't pay more than a fiver for Jedward that is. (not each)

Still not sure about Brian Dowling hosting. Although he did seem to channel a HELL of a lot of Davina I thought!!!


So what did YOU think of the return of Big Brother?

Were you happy with the quality of Celebrities?


Let me know.


Big Fashionista x x
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It's Back baby



So it's back.

I thought our long-term relationship was over. We had said our goodbyes and I thought I was beginning to move on. I even started to look at others.....................

But it was never the same.

And then I heard whisperings. Friends of friends had heard that you were back on the market.

I knew it wouldn't be long before you were snapped up.

And I was right.

WELCOME BACK BIG BROTHER.

So today is the start of Celebrity Big Brother on Channel 5.

I have to admit I am a huge fan of Big Brother. I've debated on forums about the sincerity of Saskia & Maxwells relationship, Argued whether Sandy was right to escape over the wall and wondered out loud how on this fine earth some contestants ever passed the psych evaluation.

I am a Big Brother FREAK.

And you know what? I am proud to be a fan. Every summer Big Brother has kept me company. I grow to love (and hate) the contestants as if they were my own family. I shout at the television, cover my eyes when I can see something about to happen that really shouldn't, and tut disapprovingly when the inevitable fight over the shopping list begins. (Toilet rolls first people, remember that)

But let us be honest here, over the last couple of years on Channel 4, Big Brother had been seen as a stepping stone for greedy wannabes who can't be arsed to audition for Babestation or Television X, wagabees with Premier League aspirations and people who think their lack of intelligence means they will be able to get a walk on part in Hollyoaks.

Now Channel 5 have taken over I am hoping to see some changes.

Tonight sees the start of CELEBRITY Big Brother, I am guessing that the group will contain a failed soap star, an ex addict, some woman who used to be hot, and bloody Jedward. The venereal disease of reality television of the moment. (Spreading fast and not enough lotion in the world to slow them down or stop them)

This is Channel 5's chance to put their mark on Big Brother, although in my opinion they proved they weren't willing to break new ground when they hired Brian Dowling.

I WILL be watching tonight Channel 5. But I am treating you like an ex boyfriend who has strolled back into my life begging for a second chance.

I need you to woo me, amuse me, give me a showmance and make me want to want you, Hell make me NEED you. Remind me of what I missed and show me you can give me more than you ever did before.


If you can do that Channel 5, I will promise to love, honour and obey you forever. Because I'm willing to make a long term commitment if you are.

Is anyone else excited to see the start of Celebrity Big Brother tonight?


Let me know what you are looking for in your CBB experience. Do you expect to be left cold or do you hope to be smitten like a lovestruck kitten?



Big Fashionista x x


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Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Celebrabies


I understand why we need celebrities, I really do.

A world without celebrities would be very sad indeed, and just for these reasons alone it is obvious we NEED celebrities

There would be no Heat magazine. (or other celeb filled gossip rags)

Celebrity Big Brother wouldn't exist.

I would have no-one to judge and find wanting in the fashion stakes?

and without celebs...................Who would endorse make-up brands and fashion lines?

See? Life as we know it would be over.

We need celebrities as much as we need oxygen to breathe. (Ok, perhaps sarcasm doesn't translate as well in the written word, but you catch my drift don't you)


But what I CANNOT stand,

Really, really, really cannot stand is the offspring of celebrities who act as if they are famous in their own right.

The celebrabies.
Peaches "bloody" Geldof (I'm not sure if that is actually her middle name, but it's what I've always called her, and it seems to fit)  is just one example.

Who else do we have?

Chloe Madeley? (Currently opening an envelope near you)

Calum Best (Currently opening legs near you)

Paris Hilton (Currently opening her purse somewhere nowhere near you)

Suri Cruise. (Currently opening a chain of boutiques and writing her autobiography as we speak, I am sure of it-That child SCARES me)

Bianca Gascoigne (wannabe, pure and simple)


The celeb offspring list is endless. We don't need celebrities to carry on the celebrity circle of life with the spawn of their loins. That is what we have Big Brother for!!!

And these celebrity spawn are stealing the Maxim and Loaded spreads from honest hard working BB contestants and T4 presenters! Shame on them.

There are hard working fashion designers out there who literally work their fingers to the bone being pattern cutters trying to work their way up the ladder who then have to watch as the daughter of some no-mark celeb announces that she has always loved wearing clothes (and colouring in) so she is going to design a capsule collection for a High St store.


Celebrabies haven't earned celeb status by themselves. They have piggy-backed up a couple of grades just by being born and a lot of them think it is their birthright to be famous themselves. They get a small taste when they are presented as cute newborn bubbas in Hello magazine and forever chase that dream by trying to be papped falling out of Mahiki or their underwear (or usually both)

So move over Celebrabies. Make way for the REAL celebrities. The stars of TOWIE, Big Brother, failed X Factor finalists and "stars" of Britains Got Talent.

Here in England we KNOW who our celebs are.

and we ain't given them up without a fight.


Big Fashionista x x
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Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Girl crush



For some reason it is a lot easier for women to admit to a girl crush on another woman than it is for men.

Now I could do a whole blog post on being comfortable enough with your own sexuality to admit that there is a member of the same sex you wouldn't mind bumping uglies with. But I won't, because to be honest there is a cold bottle of White Zinfandel in the freezer with my name on it and there is a fine line between crisp cold wine and a wine slushy.

(I don't do wine slushies, even for a detailed blog post. Priorities people, priorities)

So let us all instead admire my latest girl crush of the moment.

Amber Heard.




Now honestly I don't think she would ever take over from my No 1 girl. Olivia Wilde



but she is coming a close second.

She pretty. In fact both of these ladies are damn sexy. (I would)


I don't see anything wrong in having a girl crush at all. (especially when you have great taste in women like me)

So let us show people who feel uncomfortable with their feelings or are unsure about how they are meant to feel, that there is nothing wrong with a girl crush (or two)

Who's your girl crush?

Let me know.



Big Fashionista x x


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Monday, 15 August 2011

A catch or one to throw back?



So that Bruno Mars is a bit of a saucepot isnt he?

Now usually I would have a guy like that made dirty and brought to my boudoir

But I'm just not sure that this guy is a catch.

He looks good, but hey so does a Rocky Horror Sundae and then afterwards you are consumed with guilt and a slight feeling of sickness and bloating. (That walk of shame from a Harvester is a bitch ain't it)

and I'm just not sure that Bruno Mars is the full package.

Let us examine the evidence.

Exhibit A.

Grenade

Gave you all I had,
and you tossed it in the trash,
you tossed it in the trash you did.
(This guy has some issues. I can sense this already)
To give me all your love
is all I ever asked
(I'm feeling stalkerish tendencies here)
Coz what you don't understand is
I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my head on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
(I would have accepted flowers and chocolates, but instead I am offered blood and a ritual sacrifice of body parts and entrails. Bruno, you aren't selling it to me here)
you know I'd do anything for ya
(I'm starting to understand that Bruno)
I'd go through all this pain
take a bullet straight through my brain
(Back to the blood already, Bruno. I'm starting to think therapy may be in order. Or a restraining order perhaps)
Yes I would die for you baby
but you won't do the same
(Erm, No, I wouldn't)

So what have we learnt from Exhibit A?

Bruno falls hard, fast and possibly never lets go. I'm thinking that perhaps Bruno is not perfect boyfriend material, (In fact I'm slightly concerned that Bruno is not really fit to walk amongst women without a bell around his neck or something)

Shall we move on to Exhibit B?

The Lazy Song

Today I don't feel like doing anything,
I just wanna lie in my bed
(Yeah I had an ex like that)
Don't feel like picking up my phone
so leave a message at the tone
(and an ex like that)
Cuz today I swear i'm not doing anything
Nothing at all.

So occasionally Bruno is prone to bouts of depression that leave him not wanting to get out of bed? Aren't we all sunshine? Doesn't mean I spend the day with my hands down my pants. That is just oversharing Bruno. Oversharing.

Hmmmmmmm, I get the feeling that Bruno would not be spilling all this information on a first date. We should make all men write some songs before dating them. It would give us a small insight into their soul. (Their dark, dark souls)

Now if after Exhibit A & B you are still thinking you would like to hitch your carriage to the Bruno Mars love train, lets take a look at Exhibit C.

Picture the scene. You managed to overlook the fact that he would catch a grenade for you (possibly go through your phone while you slept and steal your underwear to sniff) you also managed to get past his occasional days of laziness where he does nothing at all and now you are waiting for him to pop the question.

Marry You

It's a beautiful night,
we're looking for something dumb to do
Hey baby
I think I want to marry you.
(Bruno, you smooth talking bastard you)

Wow, what a proposal, That's one to share with the grandchildren isn't it? Just beautiful.



But what do you think?

Do you love Bruno Mars or do you think he may have some deep dark issues that need to be ironed out before he really can be seen as a catch?

Let me know.


Big Fashionista x x
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Friday, 12 August 2011

Nom or Vom

Todays Nom or Vom spent a lot of time hidden from the world behind a knitted hat and a pair of sunglasses.

(Same as me, until the restraining order)


But when the hat and glasses came off people started to realise we had a hotty on our hands.


Ladies and gentlemen.

Kayvan Novak.

















Now usually, the rules are, If I can't find a naked pic then you don't get to go on Nom or Vom.

But for this guy, I'll make an exception.



So what do we think everyone?

Kayvan Novak



Nom or Vom.




Big Fashionista x x
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Thursday, 11 August 2011

Dinner for six.



Now the way this usually goes is people talk about how they would invite people over to their home for a fabulous dinner party. BUT I am the East London equivalent of Can't Cook, Won't Cook (Can't Cook, Order In) so I have an imaginary table for six in my favourite restaurant. (No, not MaccyDs) The scene is set and I am awaiting my five guests.

The first person to arrive at my imaginary dinner party is Jose Mourinho, I am a huge Chelsea fan, I always have been and always will be. Not only is Jose some top table totty he would be an interesting addition to the table with some great insights and hopefully some great stories about my favourite team. Jose Mourinho will ALWAYS be a god to me and I could listen to him talk in that arrogant way for hours.

The second person to arrive is Lionel Shriver, author of my favourite book "We Need To Talk About Kevin" She can sit next to me and listen to me rattle on and on and on about her book and how it gave me shivers when I read it. Obviously at some point in the evening I would get have to get her to sign my battered copy of the book (rude not to) and I would ask her Why Lionel? Why not Bob, or Steve?

Third person to arrive, Oliver Reed. No dinner party would be complete without Oliver Reed would it? This man could charm the birdies from the trees, even at his worst. A fantastic storyteller I expect there would be no awkward silences with hellraiser Olly around.


Fourth dinner party guest, Elizabeth Taylor. The romantic in me wants to know the whole story regarding her and Richard Burton. I also want to see her beautiful eyes up close and ask what eyeliner she uses. (Shallow yes, but hey, you want to know don't you)


My fifth guest would be Charlie Sheen. I want to find out exactly what is going on in that head of his. Is he playing up for the cameras? How did he feel about being fired from Two and a Half Men? What he thinks of Ashton Kutcher! and how would he get on with Oliver Reed.

(I don't think I've thought my seating plan through thoroughly enough do you?)



So there are my five guests for my dinner party. I think it would be a great mix of people, we would be chatting until the early hours, and I am sure I would be trying to offer myself as dessert to at least one guest.


But who would you invite to your dinner party?

Five guests,

and no washing up!!!! (result)


Let me know who's attending, I'll book the tables.


Big Fashionista x x







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Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Role models for our children? An own goal,



So an expert with nothing but time on his hands today has announced that football bad boys such as Joey Barton are good role models for young people.

(This is my incredulous face)

Stephen Mumford of Nottingham University has stated that  "People who have experienced shame, troubles and wrestled with their inner demons maybe able to teach us about our own lives"


Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

(My incredulous face has just turned into an "Are you kidding me" face)

Role models for young people are EXTREMELY important, especially at the moment. There are troubles happening across the country. mindless destruction, senseless violence and terror.

But I'm really not sure that holding up people such as Joey Barton as a role model for our "yoofs" is the best way to go about things. I would lay money on it. a LOT of money. A days wages of one of these muppets perhaps?

In fact, is there anyone out there who thinks it is a wise idea to hold up ANY footballer as a role model for the youth of today?

Wayne Rooney?

Slept with prostitutes behind his pregnant wifes back. (Classy huh?)

Ryan Giggs?

Lying, unashamed man-whore. (That is all)

Jermaine Pennant?

Drink driving offences

I could carry on with this list for hours but frankly I'm bored of listing over-paid idiots with an inflated sense of self-worth who give next to nothing back.


Professor Stephen Mumford. What does he actually do? Do you have to have a special qualification to spout crap these days or can anyone do it?  (Seriously dude, get a blog already)


I wonder if there a group of professors sitting in a pub somewhere drinking pints of bitter and trying to come up with the most outlandish statement they can think of to release to the media and see who bites? (That'll be The Daily Mail sources outed then)

I don't want a philosophy professor telling me who to hold up as a role model for my children.

Especially if he is going to be talking out of his philosophical posterior!!!!


When I was a "yoof" (many, many years ago) my role models were my parents and grandparents. Hard-working, loving people who taught me right from wrong, let me make my own mistakes while still making sure I learnt from them, wiping up my tears when my heart was broken, always supporting me and yet teaching me how to fly solo.

THESE are the role models that we need to hold up to our children these days.

OURSELVES


DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE TODAY?

If you do, hold them close and tell them you love them. Tell them you will support them and always be there for them and teach them right from wrong.

And if you don't? Maybe you need to start taking a good hard look at yourselves and take a bit of responsibility for what is occurring across the country.

It is time for all to stand up and be counted.

Let's not leave it to others to inspire our children.

We need to be the best role models that we can be.



Big Fashionista x x



What do you think? Am I being idealistic? Are we expecting children to learn right from wrong without ever holding ourselves up as good examples. Or are you standing up and applauding right now?



Let me know. x x
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Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Flaming idiots


So everywhere you turn over these last couple of days you can't help but notice there are a LOT of people out there who under the pretence of protests have been ripping the heart out of communities and destroying not only places of work but peoples homes as well.


In my eyes what is happening in North London aren't protests.

It is disorganised shopping for free and I completely fail to see how people think that stealing a plasma TV will suddenly help make their point regarding getting answers.

But then the people stealing carpets and trainers and TVs truly have no interest in Mark Duggan and finding out the truth.

And I won't even have it that these are young angry people who are lashing out at the goverment because of lack of jobs, homes and school places.

What most of these people are is SCUM.

They don't care about standing up and being counted, they aren't marching peacefully towards a police station demanding answers, or towards 10 Downing St with a petition to hand in.

They just want to blow shit up, steal "stuff" and generally get in a fight with the police. The people currently destroying communities have hijacked a legitimate protest and are using it to get new trainers.

And now it is spreading like a virus. Tottenham, Enfield, Croydon, Hackney and now where I live. NEWHAM (Although, being the Olympic host borough I am sure you won't be hearing about it)

This is where I live, Where I love, where my children play out and where I choose to live. I am sickened by what is happening in London. Absolutely sickened.

We don't have much in this area, but we had PRIDE.

Have people just woken up over the last couple of days and decided that they don't want to pay for their 54" plasmas anymore?



Has the world gone mad?

What started out as a legitimate protest about a lack of communication has now turned into a wave of disorder and chaos. The ripple effect is spreading out to other boroughs and an already at breaking point Met Police are being stretched even further.

London is now tearing itself apart.

The saddest picture for me was the building that had stood through the war and was destroyed by fire in Tottenham on the first night of the riots.

This building not only symbolised in my opinion what we had and fought for, but what we are capable of destroying.


Ourselves.


What do you think?


Are these legitimate protests? Or are you shocked and saddened about what is happening in London at the moment?


Let me know.


Big Fashionista x x
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Monday, 8 August 2011

And the winner is..................................................


So the winner of the MUA Cosmetics Heaven & Earth palette is....................





PoppyRedlips




Congratulations to you hun.


If you could drop me an email with your address then I will drop this in the post to you ASAP.



Congrats again.




Big Fashionista x x x
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Ten things men would rather you didn't know.

Ten things men would rather you didn't know,

(But we do, because we are clever, and men, you are predictable)



1) Most men have tried on their girlfriends underwear. Now I'm not saying they go shopping in Tescos while wearing your favourite thong and bra (I hope) and it isn't even as though they do it for a sexual thrill. (Although some do) but sometimes there is a voice inside their heads that just says. "I wonder what I would look like in these knickers" and you just KNOW that the next voice says "I wonder if I would look better in them than she does" (and sometimes, they bloody well do!!!!)

2) Men are useless at directions, they like to act as though they were cab drivers in a previous life and know how to get from A to B without going via L (as in F*ckin 'ell we are lost again) but secretly they all hail the inventor of the Sat Nav as if he were a god. In the male opinion, he is up there with the inventor of alcohol.


3) Men could have sex on tap, so much sex that they cannot walk for a week and yet they will still "self-pleasure" the first chance they get to be alone. It's like returning to their first love. (and if you make your hand go numb first it feels like someone else is doing it and it STILL doesn't count as cheating apparently)  


4) At one point all men have wondered what it would be like to sleep with your best friend. Sometimes it is attached to an elaborate fantasy where you have died and they waited an appropriate time to mourn and then got jiggy with her, sometimes it doesn't. But it HAS crossed their mind.


5) Men steal your shower gel and other toiletries because it smells "nice". As much as they love their macho smells, they just can't help themselves from gravitating towards your Hibiscus and Damson shower gel occasionally. ESPECIALLY if theirs has run out!!

6) Men cry at sad films, I have yet to let Mr Fashionista watch Marley & Me all the way through, he thinks it is a comedy and that's the way I like it. Men won't cry openly at sad films either, instead they will blame allergies, fake a sneezing fit or a yawn. If you WANT to make a man weep just for giggles, stick on The Champ and tell him it's a boxing film. Weep central here you come.

7) Men have hidden porn, It doesn't matter how open minded you are, you could have a shelf of porn in alphabetical order on display in your living room and still they would hide at least one piece of porn. That's THEIR porn. It is built into men to hide porn, they can't help it, It is in their genes.

8) Men will never admit that they can't do a DIY job. It's all about the man points. A plug needs changing? Yeah, they can do that. House needs rewiring? They'll give it a go. (Obviously they won't be doing these jobs straight away, in fact they usually hang these jobs out until you actually hire a professional or do it yourself and then announce that they were going to be doing the job tomorrow)  Questioning a males ability to do these jobs is like announcing in the pub they have a small penis. Instant minus man points.

9) Men like to watch the soaps. They may start complaining the minute they hear the theme tune to Corrie, or 'Stenders or whatever is on but firstly they start by perching on the edge of the sofa, then they move on to asking who is who, and before you know it they are pondering the statistical improbability of living to a healthy old age in soapland. Sad, but true.

10) Men are proud of the odours their body excretes. From burping to passing wind, nothing saddens a man more than surpassing his odour record and being alone without anyone to share it with. (Or shove your head under the duvet to "truly appreciate the aroma")


Sorry guys, your secrets are not so secret anymore. In fact they never were.

Anyone else want to share some things we know about men but they think we don't.



Let me know.


Big Fashionista x x
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Saturday, 6 August 2011

Heaven and Earth Palette MUA Cosmetics Giveaway

I follow a lot of fabulous beauty blogs on Twitter and lately I have been seeing a huge buzz around the MUA Cosmetics new palette Heaven and Earth.

What I have also been reading is that they are rarer than rocking horse droppings, so imagine how lucky I felt when I rocked up to my nearest Superdrug and there were TWO palettes left on the shelf.

I snatched them up so fast the old lady standing next to me practically fell over.

(WHAT!!!!!, she didn't actually fall, just spun around a bit)


So it would be rude not to do a giveaway with one of the palettes wouldn't it.




Normal rules apply

You must be a follower of my blog.

UK Entrants only

Competition ends Sunday night at Midnight,

To enter just leave a comment in the box below saying.

"Please enter me in your giveaway"

and leave a way for me to contact you. Twitter name, E-mail address. Whatever you are comfortable with.


Good luck everyone



Big Fashionista x x
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Friday, 5 August 2011

Nom or Vom

Hello Friday,

and what have we learnt this week?

Firstly. Vodka bottles do not go "there" Penises come in all shapes and sizes and I am still looking for your vote in the Sex & Relationships section of the Cosmo Blog Awards.

I think this counts as a damn good week.

If you are new to the Friday Nom or Vom party let me get you up to speed in the only way I know how.

One hot man, put on my blog for your viewing pleasure and you get to grade him just on his looks.

Fun huh?



This one is shamelessly stolen from those lovely ladies over at The Style Rawr Tara & Jade KNOW a hot man when they see one and I know a hot fashion blog when I see one.

Go check them out.

Meanwhile.


Ladies & Gentlemen



Jason Momoa




Now I have to admit, I've never been a dreadlocks sort of girl before. Jason, you've changed my mind completely.



Such swoony eyes.



And a swoony body always helps.





 Leather? Check, Hint of a tatt? Check?

Yeah, I'm in lust.


And just in case you aren't a fan of the long haired look. If you want to clean him up a bit, (I don't) this is what he can also look like.


So what do we think everyone?


Nom or Vom



Big Fashionista x x
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Thursday, 4 August 2011

Supermodel? Yes. Supermum? Hell no.

Poor Linda Evangelista, She famously once said that she wouldn't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day.

Now it seems that the recession has bit down hard for the ex-supermodel than for others because she is currently requesting $46,000 a month from the father of her child in child support.


Excuse me?

$46,000 a MONTH in child support.

(I don't even demand my bras support me that well)

Now I am all for deadbeat dads paying what they owe. In fact if they don't pay I think that it should be taken directly in blood or perhaps an important body part. (their penis perhaps?)

But whose lifestyle are we funding here Linda?

The 4 year old childs?

Or erm, perhaps yours. Because I sure as hell dont know MANY four year olds that demand holidays worth over $4,000 each month. (Thank god the judge turned that request down FLAT)

Although Linda is now requesting that the father cough up the moolah for 24 hour chilld care!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone else not feeling ANY sympathy for Linda right about now?

If you are, listen to her reason for requesting daddy dearest cover the 24hr childcare request.

"When I work it can be a 16hr day. On days when I do not work, I am working on my image, I have to hit the gym, I have beauty appointments. I have to work towards my next job and maintaining my image, just like an athlete"


Hear that drip, drip, drip sound?

That is my heart just bleeding for the poor little cow.

Sorry but women like this drive me insane. Yes by all means go for the child support you "NEED" for your child but frankly this just smacks of using the child as a weapon.

and to then request all that money and say well you aren't going to be looking after your child anyway?

Bitch you are a box full of crazy, all tied up with a crazy bow.

There are women out there on the breadline who go without food to make sure that their child has what it needs because some sperm donor (I refuse to say father) won't cough up for his child.  I personally know women that receive NOTHING from their sperm donors and yet still let him in their childs life because they say he is a good father. (whole other story people, whole other story)

And yet this stupid bint who is apparently worth five million dollars and is working is trying to get as much money as is possible while openly admitting she is going to be using 24hr childcare!!!!

I can't get behind that!

$46,000 a month is insane. I freely admit that I'm sure it costs a hell of a lot more to support Linda in the style to which she has become accustomed than it does me.
(Take me to Greggs once a week and feed me pasties and i'm happy, honest)
But why does the father have to support Linda when she freely admits she will be carrying on working and throwing the child to 24hr nanny services?

And how much exactly does it cost to support a 4yr old little boy?

I for one will be watching the outcome of this family court drama with interest.


Anyone else out there think that Linda is giving women a bad name?

Or do you think that she should have held out for more?


Whatever the outcome, she may once have said she wouldn't get out of bed for less than $10,000.

I wonder how much it will actually cost Francois-Henri Pinault to have got her into bed in the first place!!!


(Saucer of milk for Big Fashionista please)


What do you think?


Big Fashionista x x
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Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Sexual Healing

You know me, I'm not one to laugh at other peoples misfortunes. (honest) but catching sight of this in The Metro made me giggle and then catch myself in sheer horror.

Metro Online

This woman HAD sex on a Yacht, (I'm liking this so far) and then somehow managed to sever her hand after the sex got a little erm, energetic (Not so much fun)

How the hell lady?

Firstly let me congratulate you on your energetic participation. No seriously. You put your all into that and for that I salute you. (Sometimes I can barely get up enough energy to put the book down)


But........................ but.............. You severed your hand on a sink getting your rocks off, I REALLLLLLLY hope that you at least got a damn good orgasm out of it, possibly two. (I hope for your sake it was two) because I can't wait to see how you explain THAT one to your parents, or worse GRANDPARENTS.

Accidents during sex are possibly the worst thing to go to A&E for. (No, I'm not talking from experience here, unless you count the dreaded papercut incident from 1998)

How embarrassing must that be? You are in pain, and then you have to explain exactly how you got that dolls head stuck in your.......................... um, shall I leave that there? (No,no, not the Dolls head!)

I don't think I could do it. I'd rather die from shame than embarrassment.  (Although obviously if my hand was waving back at me from the floor I may think twice) 

Now, for the first time ever I am actively encouraging ANON comments. (nice ones for a change) 

I want to know,

Have you ever had a sex accident?

Or has a *cough* friend *cough* told you a story that you could share.

If you are too embarrassed then please feel free to use the old Anon button.

I promise not to laugh.


(disclaimer, I promise to try not to laugh) 


Big Fashionista x x
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Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Cosmo Blog Awards

So today I am seeing a LOT of comments on social media outlets regarding the Cosmopolitan Blog Awards.

And what saddens me is people saying that they don't want to ask for nominations because there are so many bigger, better blogs out there than theirs.


Can we all hold up a minute?

Says WHO?

Not only am I proud of my little blog but in MY EYES it is the best goddamn blog in the world.

It's all about SELF- BELIEF.

and we have to believe in ourselves before we can ask others to believe in us.

We all love what we do, otherwise we wouldn't be doing it. Everyone who blogs puts their heart and soul into their blogs, whether it is photographing on a sunny day so they can get the best picture or a blogger that bares their soul about a personal experience anyone who blogs leaves a small part of themselves on every page.


I want you ALL to be proud of your blog. nominate your own blog. I have. How can I ask others to nominate me if I don't have the self-belief in it to nominate myself.

Sometimes we just have to stand up and say.

"YEAH, I'm GREAT"


Because you are.



Now go get your pretty backsides over to the icon on the right and vote for me in the Sex & Relationships category.

(I don't ask, I don't get)

And while you are there, vote for yourself, and then ask others to vote for you as well.

Because you are great.


Remember that.


Big Fashionista x x
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The Ex File

Over the weekend there was a lot of gossip flying around that J-Lo and Puff Daddy, P-Diddy, whatever the hell he calls himself now are back together.


Ah, Jenny, you may be from the block but you are making a rookie error here.

An ex is usually an ex for a reason. and once you have gone your separate ways............ You should never, ever, ever, EVER revisit that particular point in your life again.

In fact, Listen up Cheryl Cole, this advice goes for you too.

Ex partners are good for one thing and one thing only.

NO NOT THAT!!!!! (Ok, well THAT as well)

The only time you should even have to SEE an ex boyfriend is when you have just stepped out of a salon, wearing an outfit that makes you look a size smaller than you are, (Oh go on then, two sizes) impeccable make up and beautiful shoes.

They should be looking sad and forlorn, you should be on your mobile chatting and laughing, hair a-swishing with your friends all around you.  You don't see who you bump into at first and as you go to apologise, your eyes meet. The ex looks you up and down and then says "Wow, you look great" You look at the ex, who is looking as though he has piled on the pounds a bit and is wearing a dirty T-shirt obviously!!! and reply, "Erm, yeah, you too" then you go your separate ways. (You get one of your friends to turn around to see if he is watching you-he IS obviously)

AND that is it.


That is the extent of any contact you should have with an ex. Especially when you have just come out of a relationship and are feeling vulnerable and lonely. That is when your mind plays tricks on you and makes you think that maybe the ex wasn't a bad person, maybe it was the wrong thing to do, you remember the good times and conveniently forget all the times he made you cry, or feel worthless.

Pesky mind and its tricky little ways.

I'm sure that out there are thousands of people who have a story about how they split up with someone, and then years later got back together, got married, raised a family and lived happily ever after and thats lovely.................. honest, it is. (vomits in mouth a bit)


But for most people, hooking up with an ex can only end up in tears.

You split up for a reason and usually the same problems reoccur and before you know it you are arguing over the same issues and problems you had the first time around.

Like groundhog day, without the cute little groundhog  (Or Bill Murray to distract you)



What do you think.

Would you pull an Ex-file?

Or should all exes stay off-limits forever?


Let me know.


Big Fashionista x x
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Monday, 1 August 2011

And the winner is..................

Sorry for the delay in announcing the winner of the FABULOUS Spoiled Brat necklace, but I needed the official adjudicator (Mr Fashionista) to be off the medication and have a clear head............


But I couldn't wait any longer so have plowed on regardless.

Using the highly technical way of writing everyones names on a piece of paper and then getting Mr Fashionista to pull one out of a bowl the winner is............................



Madame Gourmand.





Congratulations to you.

lets off fireworks and sparkly things in your honour.


If you could drop me an email with an address I will pass on the information to Spoiled Brat who will send you your prize asap.


(I am seriously jealous by the way)
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Cock A'hoop

That Enrique is a clever so and so isn't he?

So last week Enrique announced to a crowd of people that he has the smallest penis in the world.

(Seriously? I doubt that Enrique, let me tell you about an ex of mine................... I digress)


I think Enrique Iglesias is one clever, clever man. Now every woman in the world wants to see his penis.

At least he didn't add the line that drives me absolutely insane.

"It's not what you've got, It's what you do with it that counts"

BULLCRAP.

If a woman says that, her boyfriend has a little one AND doesn't know what to do with it.

Let's be honest here.

Size DOES matter.

I'm not saying that a man has to be hung like a thoroughbred stallion but if it's TOO small, well unless he has a nine inch tongue and can breathe through his ears, he's going to be getting the "It's not you, it's me" speech pretty damn quick I can tell you.

And please don't give me the speech about smaller men try harder. Course they do. They've probably got a degree in trying harder. Their technique is probably honed to perfection but sometimes the term "felt like he was pushing a chipolata up Oxford St" just says it all.

Chances are Enrique is just putting it out there so that the next woman he boinks doesn't feel disappointed. If for example he is just average sized and he has announced to the world that he has a the penis the size of a gerbils, when he drops those briefs (I imagine Enrique to be a white briefs sort of guy) she is going to be so damn grateful she will look at it like an anaconda has just escaped from his pants, gasp with pleasure and tell him wow that's huge.

Ego boost or what?


Enrique sir, I salute you. I'm impressed with your attitude. If you ever feel like you need an independant opinion, please feel free to send me naked pics to the e-mail address on the right.


What do we think everyone.

Does a small penis matter?

Love to hear your thoughts



Big Fashionista
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