Monday, 9 January 2012

Culling the gifts

So now everyone who has children is currently exhaling like a (insert your own exhaling joke here, my brain is fried from this diet) It is the first full week they go back to school and I am exhaling like an extractor fan here.

Now it is time to do the most important job you can ever do as a parent.

Christmas is over, It's time to cull the presents.

You know what I'm saying here? Parents it is time to remove the things designed to damage the kids, your house or even you.

You can tell how much your family loves or loathes you by the presents your offspring receive at christmas. Not the main presents obviously, that is too easy. I'm talking about stocking fillers here.

For example,

Felt tips,

It takes a special kind of sadist to wrap up felt tips as a christmas present for a child, You can practically see them giggling away in their sleeves as they imagine those bad boys being unwrapped by your very own budding mini Banksy who only has guerrilla graffiti on their mind. (Oh look, a new piece of of artwork has appeared on the living room wall- Awwwww, lovely. Grinds teeth) 


Yet another gift that just keeps on giving, especially if there is a whole set of weapons, I mean cutters, rollers and mashers. You know the stuff? The stuff that buries itself into your carpet like an IED, ready to rise up and be trodden in all over again. The stuff sticks like shit to a blanket and it doesn't matter how many different colours of it you buy, before you know it you have a huge ball of brown stuff that has picked up dirt, food and all kinds of other suspicious things that you don't want to look too closely at.
(That gift is one to be unwrapped, put in a cupboard and then LOST at the first opportunity)

Drum Kit

Basically whoever gave a drum kit to your child HATES you. There is no way of getting around it, They really don't like you, the only way they could be clearer about it is to come up and punch you in the face or send you a card which says "I'm not being funny but if you were on fire and I had a glass of water, I'd drink it" (I want that card by the way, do think I can buy it in Clintons?) 

Now you may be thinking, (Crap, I better change that birthday present for Kellie's kids) or even, what does this have to do with me? I don't have children. But if you know any small people, or think that you may know some small people in the future then you have to think deeply about this. Gifts are a total minefield these days,

and christmas is just an opportunity to either mess it up completely or....................... have a little fun with it.

Next time you open that gift for your two year old precious little Tazmanian Devil wannabe and you find ten pots of glitter and four tubes of superglue............

Think carefully. What did you last buy for their children.........

Oh you didn't?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Well sometimes, you reap what you sew.

So come on, what's the worst gift your child has received this christmas or any other?

Have you had to cull their presents like a group of baby seals?

Let me know.

Big Fashionista x x


  1. Oh this is so true. Jigsaw books = work of the devil. Childless friends always seem to think these are a good idea. It's just so much fun to pick up all the pieces, reassemble the first puzzle, turn the page and watch them all fall out again. One child in NURSERY (well, her parents) gave EVERY OTHER CHILD a tube with colouring sheets, pens and GLITTER for Christmas. Obviously they are doing a carpet bombing approach in retaliation for whoever gave her nits.

    For my eldest's first Christmas, he received a drum kit from my gran. With a stool. He was 9 months old. I also hate any toys which clip together permanently and then have to remain out, taking up every inch of floor space. Worst present was a 'Go Diego Go' loudhailer which made animal noises (children have never watched the programme) a few years ago. After a week of 'calling to the african grey parrot' at mega decibels we decided it would be best left at Granny's, and gaily headed back up the motorway without it.

  2. March bare foot into any room and stand on a piece of lego, childbirth pales by comparison. Lego is the reason that Emily swears so fluently now and the reason Tom at 18 can only bring himself to say "the f word" both traumatised in their own way by my lego induced "you f...... b...... c... of a w..." swears when they were very little. Ergo Lego is the worst gift in the world. Sticklebricks run it a close second.

  3. I'm going to say any toy that makes a noise, including noisy books, noisy car steering wheels, noisy accessories. Chances are if it needs batteries then it makes noise.

  4. This year was fairly good, yes we got lego (she's 10 so it's fairly safe in her room) but dad decided to give her one of my grandad's harmonicas (the joy) which she played with great delight most of the day. I love my daughter expressing herself with music, but, can I express myself by accidentally losing the harmonica under a steamroller?

  5. I am still picking bits of plasticine out of the rug after this morning's 'craft' session. Another bugbear GIANT presents when you have a small house. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but when he was opening all his presents I was mentally putting old stuff in black bin bags for charity. Out with the old and in with the new...x

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  7. I am now sat shamefaced! I have purchased all of the above for my own children (play doh not plasticine but same result). Even bought eldest son 900+ piece lego set. Am my own worst enemy! Love Lakota's comment on retaliation for contracting nits. Am now thinking of ways to extract my own revenge - perhaps you cold do a future post with some ideas, that would be hilarious Kellie xxx

  8. I am quite lucky, I have no enemies! Emmy got some playdough but we have a no table no play rule, and being the only one that plays with it it is quite easy to enforce!
    She would rather play with her Sylvanian Families than playdough though so its been used once since Xmas!

  9. I once received a "jewellery" set when I was a kid, with pearls, glitter etc... strangely enough it was nowhere to be seen the next day.
    Guess it was one of the presents my dad made disappear.

  10. :D Now I know what not to buy my niece when she'll be older.


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