Tuesday, 20 March 2012

So you want to make a sex tape?

So the latest "victim" of the OH MY GOD, WHO THE HELL WAS RECORDING ME WHILE I DID THAT sex tape saga is Tulisa Contostavlos (resists urge to say, well thats a mouthful)

Obviously her people have come out and categorically denied that it is her. Which is to be expected.

I don't care if you have my face on a ten minute tape taking on all comers I am STILL going to deny it is me. (Stop GOOGLING it pervs, it's a fake. Honest)


But let's face it, it isn't going to harm Tulisas career is it? I'm yet to find a celeb who has had a sex tape released who has permanently damaged their career beyond all recognition. (Don't even think of it Katona)

So it made me think. Out there are some wannabes who can't sing, which rules out X Factor, can't act, (never rule out Hollyoaks wannabes, their door is always open) and can't get through the velvet ropes to snag a footballer. (hard times)

All that is left is a sex tape.

Here are Big Fashionistas rules for making your sex tape.


Rule No1

You've heard of No carbs before Marbs?

No choc before cock.

Now I know that there is a market for that sort of thing, (STOP EMAILING ME, it's never gonna happen) but we want to appeal to the mass market here. keep yourself a bit tidy like. They say the camera adds ten pounds, when you are watching the tape back before pressing upload do you REALLY want to be distraught that yes, your bum really does look big in that? (I'll leave that one there)


Rule two

Keep an air of mystery

No-one wants to be able to diagnose any gynaelogical disorders you may have from your video so lets keep the close-up minge shots to a minimum.  It isn't pretty.
Unless you have a body of Baywatch, face of Crimewatch, in which case your va jay jay is your friend. and probably your best feature. Think Smokey eyes and bright red lipstick, one or the other people, one OR the other.

Rule Three

Plausible denialibity

While I hope that no-one will see your vagina and say "Hey, I know her" you also need to be able to deny that it is you with a straight face that has hopefully not been caught full-on camera. Let's show some decorum here Wear a mask or something, dermablend the tattoos. KNOW YOUR ANGLES. Tantalise by all means, you need to add a little bit of "Is it her, isn't it?" about it, but you don't want to be giving the game away when every Tom, Dick & Harry can go, "Yeah it is"

Plus you need to be able to look your mother in the eyes and say "Mum it is NOT me.
(Lie through your teeth) honest"


Rule Four

Enthusiasm

No-one wants to be known as the Paris Hilton of the sex tape world, I'm not being funny but I've shown more enthusiasm at a smear test than she did in her tape (WHAT!! the speculum was warm and it had been a while) but there is a fine line between being a Paris and a Pammy. You don't want to be trying too hard, it just doesn't work. If I see a chandelier in your tape, I'm switching off as I just KNOW you are going to be swinging from it at one point. Like I said, trying too hard just isn't sexy.

Rule Five

Grab a hot co-star

Well, the best you can get, I don't care if you have to pay them, punch WAY above your weight. make it look as though you OBVIOUSLY have something between your legs which is lined with gold and has a tighter squeeze than the Conservatives on the NHS.

(Porn AND politics in the same post, I am firing all cylinders today)




So there you go my little wannabe Ho Bags, run like the wind to your nearest Argos and grab yourself a video camera. (Pay for it though ho bags, Argos looting is so 2011)




If you wanna MAKE it, yes, sometimes you do have to fake it.

(And make it convincing, although not TOO convincing, Hollyoaks MAY be
watching)


Any tips you can add for anyone out there?


Let me know


Big Fashionista x x


Disclaimer, obviously I am NOT advocating you should all go out and make a sex tape for public viewing, some of you lot I wouldn't even want to see FULLY CLOTHED, let alone naked. (takes tongue out of cheek and expects anonymous outrage)
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14 comments

  1. Frickin' hilarious! I love you, Kellie, xx

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  2. Isn't it funny how so called leaked sex tapes feature the starlets (ahem!) looking their absolute best?! Yep...no choc before cock indeedy do Ms K.

    Pammy was the queen of sex tapes...if you're going to do it, do it with a bloke who is ugly/sexy, covered in tats and looks like his mates were nicking the lead off yer roof whilst he's taking you hard. Ooh Kellie...there's a thought...you fancy that weird ugly/sexy, covered in tats blokey from Maroon 5 don't you?! *dials rent a vid* ;-)

    You're right...loved this posting. Long time.

    xxx

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  3. This right cheered me up this morning!

    xo

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  4. Porn and politics in the same post, never thought it could be done, but you just slipped it in there...

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  5. I think 'no choc before cock' should be the next big thing!
    Loved it, thanks :)

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  6. I can't stop laughing at this... sending it to all of my colleagues now so they know what I'm giggling about. xxx

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  7. Brilliant, just brilliant xx

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  8. Fabulous post, I shall keep this in mind in case of further Tory cuts whereby I lose my job and need to make some easy £££ *bookmarked* might struggle on the no choc before cock rule though...

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  9. And remember to wear good lingerie - something for the girls to talk about . Something else, I mean....

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  10. And make sure the place is tidy. If you are watching it with someone (real porn is so much better than the porn that features the California blonde clones) and the performance is dire, then you may well stop watching the 'action' and focus on the surroundings.

    I like my filth to be sexual, not something that would get Kim and Aggie twitching.

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  11. I work for the NHS - I shall bear the 'no choc before cock' rule in mind.

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  12. Absolute genius Kellie. Take. A. Bow xxx

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  13. Wonderful as always, THANK YOU!

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