Thursday, 5 April 2012

Eats, Shoots and Leaves

Pandas. Like the old saying goes, eat shoots and leaves.

But what happens if the Panda forgets to shoot? 

Over the last couple of days there has been excitement everywhere but in the Panda enclosure at Edinburgh Zoo when it was announced that the female panda was ovulating. (apparently this was confirmed when she sat in the corner of her cage saying her fur made her bum look fat and she chewed the face off the first person who agreed-bloody hormones)

Apparently this only happens once a year so there is a very small window of opportunity for impregnation of the female panda (Oh god, I'm boring myself. Stick with me and I will chuck in some cute panda pics)

and what happens?

The male panda decides he had a headache!!!!

Now if a group of doctors cue'd up some Barry White and placed a bloke in front of me and told him to impregnate me I wouldn't be at all surprised if he experienced some sort of performance anxiety. It's a big ask. (Obviously I'd expect him to get over it fast, Samantha Brick is ENVIOUS of my hotness, that's how hot I am)

The poor male panda didn't even have a chance to practice some of his best lines let alone build up slowly with some paw-holding or gentle walks in the forest with a picnic? Nope it was straight in there with IMPREGNATE HER WITH THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHING.

What do they think he is? Some sort of animal?

Would you want that sort of pressure? Of course you wouldn't. And how about afterwards when you didn't seal the deal, would any man want to walk out of a ladies bedroom and see the look of disappointment on a sea of faces? (and people questioning whether he had had a cheeky mastabatory moment just hours before he was due to do the deed) of course he wouldn't.

Surely they should have given them a more relaxed environment than a tunnel of love as well? Again, let's just ramp up the pressure on the poor male panda. He is probably sobbing back in his cage right now feeling used like a penis with Panda markings. He knows now that she isn't interested in him for his hobbies and she doesn't want to take the time to get to know him as a Panda, to really know the real him.

She is like the Liz Jones of the Panda world. A semen stealer of the highest order.

(Liz Jones AND Samantha Brick in the same post? Sigh, I must get a triple point word score for that surely)

So it didn't happen this year? Ok, you guys can try again in a year, maybe in the meantime you can see if you have anything in common, whether you like the same music or have been to the same places. There is a lot to be said for getting to taking the time to get to know a panda before letting him impregnate you.

But you know what will happen if there are no baby pandas next year?

Yep, you guessed it.


So dig out that Panda porn, maybe dim the lights a bit, Edinburgh wants baby pandas and dammit I do too..............

But no pressure ok

Ok, maybe just a little bit.

What do you think?

Should the young pandas take the time to really get to know each other before embarking on planned parenthood?

Anyone else think Lynx may not have been the best sponsor for the pandas, Viagra yes, Lynx no.

and why the hell am I so interested in the mating habits of pandas anyway?
(Don't answer that)

Let me know

Big Fashionista x x


  1. Poor Panda! Everyone know's that you need to be relaxed and stress free for the best chance of conception!

    Stressing the poor little man out is gonna do nothing to help save the pandas, shame on the zoo for not reading up on the best tips for conception!!

  2. Your best post ever. Fact.

    1. Thank you darling.

      Your support is much appreciated x x

  3. Oh yes! Poor pandas. They are cute, but it amazes me more and more that they haven't gone the way of natural selection before! Conceiving once a year, only eating bamboo, sitting on their babies sometimes....

  4. I feel so sorry for panda's, poor things. They only eat bamboo shoots and rarely shag :(

    To be perfectly honest if my room had a kabillion cameras in I don't think I'd "perform" either. Talk about feeling exposed :o
    Panda love must be hard, where do you go out to dinner? How many restaurants even have bamboo shoots as a starter, main and pudding? What would you go see at the cinema, apart from the obvious King Fu Panda? Just WHERE would you go , without having everyone gape at you and start filming, just in case it was "that day" .

    Pressure, far far too much pressure on them.

    I'm now singing Under Pressure, badly, oh dear.



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