No-one out there knows when or how the Zombies will first
strike. Could it be that there is a faulty batch of fake tan out there that
sinks into the skin and releases every users inner zombie? (I can’t see that
effect being a major selling point) Perhaps the internet truly is bad for you.
What parent out there hasn’t at one time or another been concerned that the
internet or games consoles are turning their delightful teens into shuffling
zombies that are a shadow of their former selves. (Listen to your parents
kiddies, in the future they could be the ones that first spot the zombie
potential)
The chances of it being something as simple as a laboratory leak,
as in the movies saddens me. If we are going to dance with the Zombies let us
do it with some originality. I don’t want you leaving this world cursing the
fact that someone skipped out of their health and safety classes to go and
watch Rihanna in concert instead.
“It’s the blue button to switch it off”
“Are you sure?”
“Well it’s either to
switch it off or to release a deadly virus into the world which turns everyone
into zombies with a craving for very, very, very, rare meat”
“Ahhhhhhh, lets chance it”
How boring would that be? I want a back story, if this whole
world is going to end as we know it, let’s make it something different.
I want to see Eamonn Holmes on Sky News announce that the
zombie virus was caused by the mutation of a vaccination which was created to
prevent the spread of reality TV stars who threaten to take over the planet, now
there is a back story Zombies could really get their teeth into. Pesky reality
TV stars, like cockroaches I have a suspicion that when the final human is
about to fall foul to the zombie invasion, Jedward will jump out of a hidden
room and declare themselves the winners.
Other ideas for the beginning of the Zombie invasion include
Polluted bottled water: That would be quite funny in an ironic sort of way
wouldn’t it? All those people avoiding tap water like the plague, guzzling down
bottled water and feeling superior and suddenly BAM, middle-class zombies
everywhere. Or how about the Greenhouse effect? Finally all the scientists
could hold a convention, stand around and say “I told you so” before then being
gobbled up by a zombiefied Al Gore and David Attenborough, It’s what they would
have wanted. Maybe Social Media could have been the cause, finally, something
turned truly viral. Another contender has to be coffee: If we drink it, we turn
into zombies, if we don’t, we turn into zombies. For some, it’s a chance they
are willing to take. I know I am.
Maybe we will never know what first caused the Zombie
invasion. Does it matter? In the films it seems as though it does. But what we
may be facing is real. There will be no American “man of the people” to save us
this time. By the time an immunisation would have been created and tested and
the interview process set up for operators of a helpline to decide whether you
need the cure (Can you deliberately confuse a situation? You’re hired) it will
be too late. Everyone who could have helped would have been less than
delicately chewed upon and was last seen heading down Oxford street intent upon
inviting some tourists over for dinner. (The tourists obviously being the
dinner in question)
So let us leave the back story for now, we can always come
back to it. Revisit it around a campfire one evening when there is only a few
of us left and we can laugh about the situation we face.
If we make it that far…………………
So when is it going to happen?
Who knows is the only answer I can give you at this time. I
don’t think Zombies are polite enough to send a letter of intent through the
mail, although the chances are, we would only receive it once it was all over
anyway. An E-mail? Maybe, this is a technologically savvy world in which we
live and I am more than sure that Zombies already have Facebook and Twitter
covered. They could be following market trends to gauge when would be best to
first strike. They could have pooled their resources to hire an SEO company who
can look at when they are hot and when they are not.
Their next move could be to hire a great PR firm that can
change public opinions of Zombies. (A job for Catsarse pr?)
Obviously this may take some time. Firstly they would need
to appear on a reality TV programme so that people could see the softer side of
their personality. This may take a couple of attempts as even the most
restrained of zombies would want to eat the celebrities if trapped in a house
with them for nine weeks (Note to Zombie PR, this may actually work to your
advantage if you pick the right celebrities)
A couple of spreads in some well known magazines expressing
how they have always been misunderstood and now they are finally getting a
chance to show the “real” them, Although the obligatory bikini spread in lads
magazines may want to be kept on the back burner for a while, especially if the
zombie in question is missing a limb or two (and their nose)
Zombies cuddling kittens is always a good selling point.
Many teenage girls could finally move on from their vampire fetish and start
romanticizing about Zombies. There could be a great revenue stream from
posters, calendars as well as public appearances at shopping centres. Hollywood
would watch in interest to see if they could build a franchise out of the
Zombie apocalypse although I can see it being a flash in the pan. Once they
start eating the viewers, who’s left to buy into their new improved image? Think
of the shock to those poor soulless flesh destroying creatures, But that’s
enough about Hollywood agents, let’s get back to when to expect the Zombies for
dinner.
All I can suggest is to be constantly on your guard, if
someone starts to salt and pepper your skin; the chances are the apocalypse has
begun.
Fight or Flight
The choice is completely yours.
There is absolutely no shame in being any of the above.
There may be death, but no shame.
The hero,
They may get all the sex they can handle but it is a very
rare occurrence that the hero makes it all the way to the end of a film. And if
we are basing our zombie fight back on the twenty first century self help
manual which is television then you have to weigh up the pros and cons of
getting laid, or getting dead. The hero constantly needs to put themselves in
danger to save others. Their life is just meaningless unless it is being
dangled in front of a zombie as a type of amuse bouche. These heroes will walk
amongst us, constantly throwing themselves in front of others to protect them,
whether they really want to be protected or not. Usually these heroes have no
respect for their own life and occasionally are just trying to atone for sins
they committed pre Zombie apocalypse. I’m all for holding out for a hero
(Thanks Bonnie) in fact the more heroes that want to stand between me and those
chewing little buggers the better, but I don’t want them coming back to me when
they are shuffling, flesh munching zombie like creatures acting like I owe them
a limb or two for breakfast. Take it up with your union, I’m not interested.
Thanks for all your help.
The hider
The hider is a clever little bugger, whether they are hiding
in a cellar, behind a hero or hiding in plain sight, the hider makes themselves
invisible to the zombie eye, never getting involved in the actual killing of
zombies or anything that can put them in danger of being eaten. The hider isn’t
a coward, far from it. When all the heroes are dead it will be down to these
hiders to find a way of carrying on. Calling them all cowards is just going to
hurt their feelings and make them want to hide behind you! It can safely be
assumed that members of parliament who are currently adept at hiding in plain
sight will be part of this team of hiders, this leads me to be concerned that
we are screwed either way. We either surrender to a life of servitude to
masters who wish to devour us, makes our lives worthless and overrun our
country with blood……………….or the zombies win.
The leader
A great position to be in, especially if you surround
yourself with heroes. The leader makes the tough decisions that affect
everyone, usually without any risk to them.
“I want you take a group of six people with you to go and
head off that group of 5000 zombies that are fast approaching”
“I need a volunteer to hold this Semtex and then light the
fuse just as the zombies begin to chew on your toes while we all escape out the
back. You? Good girl”
Everything is for the good of the group, and this usually
involves keeping the leader safe at all times. But you can’t just appoint
yourself leader. In this day and age we are far used to living in a democracy.
You could say that you are just waiting for the postal votes to be counted and
you don’t mind being the leader while you wait for those to come in (some fools
might fall for it) You could commit an act of bravery in front of everyone which
shows you are an inspirational leader but of course this could lead to the
unfortunate act of death and a dead leader is never good for team morale
(although it worked for the Labour party)
It’s a tricky position to be in. Especially if there is
someone else angling for the job. There is always going to be someone else that
decides being the leader is quite a cushy role to have. In these cases it may
be wise to recommend some sort of challenge to decide who has the capabilities
of being a great leader. A Zombie assault course perhaps? Whoever is interested
in becoming the leader needs to complete the course where you will zig at the
group of zombies on the corner, zag at the gathering in the square, perhaps
crawl under the pile of as-yet-unturned corpses that are currently festering on
the edge of the town and perhaps a zip wire could be placed over a highly
dangerous no go area. Fastest finisher becomes the leader.
Offer to go last. When they all become lunch then as last
person standing you will become leader by default. No one ever remembers how
anyone became the leader, and if someone ever does question your leadership
then there is a suicide zombie hunting mission out there with their name on it.
The Follower.
Tricky, very tricky. You didn’t have the cunning to become
the leader and somehow you have found yourself caught up in a group where the
mantra is there is no I in team. You have to pull your weight in order to
survive. Now it goes without saying that you don’t want to come to your senses
one day when you have zombies chewing on your toes and Semtex in your hands
wondering whether you have taken follow the leader one step too far. You need
to make yourself indispensible. Work to your skills, no point in being used as
Zombie bait when you are the only one who can pick a lock or the only one of
the group who has ever fired a gun. That’s just wasteful. Can you cook? I don’t
mean heat things up in the microwave, those will be gone. And if you ever
considered that cooking then you possibly deserve everything you get anyway.
Can you cook from scratch? With ingredients and stuff? It’s a dying art. You
will not be used as Zombie fodder anytime fast. How about knitting? Without
central heating scarves and hats will be needed. It is the practicalities like
this that are going to keep you alive. You need to work to your skill set no
matter how minor. Can you speak Mandarin? There may well be a need for this
skill one day. I’m not sure when but if the leader is looking for volunteers to
play pass the semtex with the zombies it doesn’t hurt to remind them every now
and then that you are an integral part of the team that is better suited to
helping keep them alive by you actually getting to be alive
If all else fails, telling the leader how wonderfully
amazing they are and what a wonderful person they are may also work. Everyone
needs their ego stroked occasionally, better to be a walking, talking sycophant
with no shame than the zombie equivalent of steak tartar.
Choose your roles carefully. You have to stick to it. You
can’t just try a couple on for size to see how they fit and see if they are for
you. There is no interview process, no internship and no union. Your life will
depend on the role you choose.
Good luck.
Weapons of choice
Now obviously we are currently not mentally prepared for the
Zombie apocalypse and if we are not mentally prepared there is no way we are
physically prepared. Who wants to open their front door to what they think is
the postman, only to find a snarling rabid zombie. (bad start to the day) What
will you be fighting him off with? Your dressing gown cord? A thong? Obviously
until the day actually comes when there are zombies actually on the streets it
isn’t advisable or legal to walk around with a weapon. But use the time wisely
as you wait to think about what you have that, when the time comes can be used
to send the zombie to its death for a second time.
So they are here, finally. Time to get your killing on.
For some people this is what they have always dreamed of. A
chance to get rid of some built up stress. Do you really think all those grown
up men who keep bats by the side of their beds play baseball or cricket? Nope,
they have been waiting for the chance to use that bat in anger. And today is
their lucky day.
Big Sticks;
The old beat it over the head method. It works but you
obviously don’t really want to get too close to the business end (the teeth)
Tool sheds…………………………………………..
Death by automobile;
It may work for a while, but with so many cars on the road
you have more chance of becoming a human tin of spam for the zombies than
actually being able to run more than one down. The M25 will be like a row of
metal lunchboxes for zombies, they can just peel back the lids and eat. Use the
car to get you from A to B if you can but don’t expect it to be your defence
against all of them.
Guns;
I’m basing this in the UK where if you have a gun already,
then you possibly pose a bigger danger to me than the zombies. In the films
everyone has a gun, even the cute children who people lay down their lives for
at every opportunity are heavily armed. Guns are not going to be the stalwart
of the UKs defence, but on the plus side, the chances of my death by a muppet
with a gun he has never fired before is a lot lower than if I was in the USA.
Sharp things;
Decorative Samarai swords, knives, machetes, even letter
openers. If slicing stuff with knives was an Olympic sport then the UK would
win gold. Sharp shit will save your life, just be prepared to have back up
sharp stuff as you will lose your sharp stuff on a regular basis in all out
zombie warfare, only the foolish carry just the one weapon on them, even a gun
toting cowboy has back up weaponery, Don’t be the exception to the rule.
Anyway, there is no match for something sharp, slicey and dicey. It gets the
job done and done well. If you are squeamish then you may want to get over it
PDQ. People will judge you as equally badly if you hate the sight of blood as
if you are turned on by it zombie style.
Reasoning
You cannot reason with what is dead. You can’t charm it or
make it die of laughter. If you think this approach will work for you, then you
will bring a whole new meaning to corpseing on stage. The roads will be
littered with do-gooders who thought they could perhaps show the zombies the
error of their ways. Hug a zombie was never going to work, if it didn’t work
for hoodies what makes you think it will work for flesh desiring creatures of
darkness. Let the do-gooders and comedians find out for themselves what a bad
audience zombies can make. The sharp edge of your tongue is no match for the
sharp edge of a blade.
Get tooled up, stay tooled up
The morale of this is go big, go large, go hard.
When you have taken down your zombie opponent don’t forget to hit him again.
No-one has ever got in trouble for hitting a zombie too hard. Everyone has seen
the films where the bad guy goes down, good guy takes his eyes off the bad guy
for a second, Bad guy leaps up and eats good guys face, rendering good guy dead
and bad guy with severe case of indigestion.
Let this be a warning to you all, if you want to keep your
face. Hit it again, with whatever weapon you have to hand.
Then hit it again, and again. Once more for luck? Why not.
Types of Zombies
Short zombies, fat zombies, tall zombies, skinny zombies.
This is not an issue, there is no sizeism in the life of a zombie, no-one will
ever look a zombie up and down and declare they need to lose some weight and
the chances of a group of zombies sitting around in a coffee shop discussing
how it feels to be different is minimal. (Although I understand the ones
without limbs are looked down upon)
However each Zombie IS different and your chances of
surviving a one on one confrontation with a zombie depends upon things like the
age of the zombie.
Now usually the only things I like to be ripe are pears and
bananas, but it is a whole different game when you are in a one on one situation
with a zombie, fighting for your life.
The older the zombie, the better.
Zombies rot. They are dead. dead people rot. Now no-one
likes to think about it but it happens. If I am going to hit a zombie I would
quite like it if the sound I heard when I hit it was the sound of its head
exploding like an over-ripe watermelon.
First generation Zombies.
Like a first generation iPod, the older zombies are going to
be clunky and slow in comparison to the later models. If you are going to be
chased down a street followed by a hungry zombie who thinks you look like lunch
then pray to your god you are being chased by one of these bad boys. If their
feet have rotted off then you may even be able to out-walk it. There is no need
to be cocky about it though, many a brave film star has thought they had lost
the following zombie that was chasing them, only to turn the corner to find
they had walked into a zombie trap. Farewell movie star, you rocked, if only
for the opening credits. Older zombies have the added feature of being very
hungry. I mean model-like hunger. They don’t get a chance to sit around and
chew the fat that often so you have to realise you look incredibly attractive
in a non-sexual, edible, lunchy sort of way.
Boring run of the mill zombies
Just your average zombie, if you are going be the sort of
person that gets eaten and turned into a zombie treat, then for Gods sake make
it classy. There is nothing more boring than being dined upon by a zombie
without a back story. It’s just a waste of a good life. You will be judged by
me and found wanting. Being eaten by a nobody? Oh the shame. Let’s gather up
some self respect and try to avoid the death by random zombie route. This type of zombie is everywhere. They are
the cockroaches of the zombie world, scuttling around eating everything and
anyone they can find. You are purely just a means to an end for this type of
zombie. Don’t feel special if you get dined upon by this zombie. They won’t
send flowers afterwards and even if they tell you that you are their first, you
aren’t. You are just part of a long line of pleasurable meals that Mr or Mrs
Zombie has enjoyed. Like fast food you were filling for a while but soon as you
are digested, they are hungry again. An Unhappy meal if you wish.
Newbie Zombies
Zombies look like zombies, they are pretty easy to spot as
well as smell. The personal hygiene of a zombie leaves a lot to be desired, but
then, has there ever been a deodorant created that can mask the smell of
rotting flesh? Most Zombies don’t need to wear a sign around their neck
announcing their membership of the undead, there are certain characteristics
that just give the game away visually, rotten skin, ambling gait, lack of
communication skills and a bad odour. The comparison between zombies and
teenagers is often made but it is rare teenagers develop a craving for human
flesh, they are usually far more likely to go vegetarian. But do you really
want to take that chance?
But Newbie Zombies or as yet unturned zombies are a whole
new problem. You wouldn’t snuggle up with what you know is a flesh-munching
creature, but how do you know that the person who you are depending upon to
have your back won’t suddenly turn into a zombie and eat your back, front and
face.
You don’t do you? And that is going to lead to a whole lot
of trust issues in the future. You can’t all walk around naked to prove that
you haven’t been bitten. That’s a whole other genre of zombie films I have yet
to explore.
Newly turned zombies also have the advantage of being
relatively unrotted, so are fast on their feet and have all their own teeth
“All the better to chew you with little girl” They are harder to kill as it
seems they almost have a point to prove. Now unless there is a zombie point
system that no-one has ever talked about I am sure this isn’t the case. But who
wants to be the one to test this theory? Not I my friend. Newbie Zombies should
be avoided wherever possible, give them a chance to ripen and rot up a bit
before tackling them head on,
Zombie friends & family.
Ah, I’m sorry about this one. At some point in the zombie
apocalypse, someone you know will try to eat you, It is all about the six
degrees of separation, If it’s not a friend or family member then perhaps a
friend of a friend. This always presents with some unneeded and totally
unnecessary social awkwardness that comes with the words “Let’s do lunch” It
goes without saying that they are now forever off your Christmas card list and
perhaps a defriending on the Book of Face is required but do you have it in you
to put them out of your misery? Perhaps if it is an ex then it may be a very
easy decision to make to cave their head in with a spade but what if it is
Grandma? No, not that one, the other one. It’s not so easy to do is it? Grandma
on the other hand sees you as sustenance and nothing else, cave that crazy
bitches head in, stat.
There is no space in this war for sentiment. If you don’t
think you can be the sort of person who can take down a family member who wants
to spread your liver on their toast, then you might as well start seasoning
your skin now. Because the family will at some point be coming over for dinner
and you are the first course, and possibly dessert.
Human shields
When the zombies start to first get all bitey and angry,
take five minutes or so to take stock of what is happening and see how you can
make the most of the pretty crappy situation you are in. Not only can you take this time to gather up
weapons but if we are being pragmatic about it, gather up some human shields.
Firstly, it goes without saying the fat people are essential
to your plan. If you are going to be sprinting for your life with a pack of
hungry zombies behind you, someone slower than you is always a must. And it is
only common sense that if there is more of the person to love, I mean eat, it
will take longer and fill up more zombies than if for example you threw them a
skinny person. Fat people are generally
going to be slow, although if you are unlucky enough to pick one that is nimble
you can always use them to block up windows or doors. If you are looking at yourself now and
thinking, whoops I’m currently a bit on the chunky side, consider this the best
incentive to lose weight you will ever get. And I am sure that you will be able
to raise a couple of quid by selling the story of your weight loss to the
tabloids “I stopped eating so that I wouldn’t be eaten by zombies” Catchy huh?
Children
It may have worked for the dictators of the world but you
won’t get far appealing to a zombies sense of family or make them stop
attempting to chew on your leg by threatening bodily violence to a child.
Perhaps dangling a child off a ledge would distract them for a while, but
unless you are one of those hard-hearted people that can actually go through
with dropping the child as casually as if you are feeding the dolphins then
seriously what is the point? Karma is a bitch and the next time the dinner bell
rings, it could be you being served up like a human sushi equivalent. No-one
ever wants to be the person who threatens the safety of a child. Do it and you
will be viewed as worse than the zombies on the threat level scale. Stop for a
minute and think……….. are you the BADDIE here now? All those zombies out there and in five
minutes of madness you have set yourself up as public enemy number one! Bad
news travels fast and while people will soon get used to being zombie lunch
they will never get so jaded that they can’t fail to be pretty damn pissed off
you’ve been using children as sacrifices. Next time you are in a sticky
situation and need some back up, it won’t be arriving any time soon and once
you have been overrun and eaten, don’t expect any kind words said at your
grave, and if you turn into a zombie, expect a queue of people ready to put you
out of your misery, slowly. Take my advice, stay away from the children. It
won’t ever work out well for you.
Old people
Hmmmmmm, always a
difficult one, especially if they are cute and remind someone of their own
grandparents (see cute children) but if they are fractious and annoying and
smell of wee then sometimes you can be justified, especially if you make it
look like an accident. But prepare to be pleasantly surprised. A lot of the
older generation are stubborn as hell and are not going to roll over easily. On
at least one occasion an old person will point out to you that they didn’t give
in to the Nazis, they aren’t going to be giving in to some undead youth in a
hoody with a craving for raw human, they may also have some insights into what
caused the whole zombie uprising, “lack of discipline” will probably feature
quite heavily in their reasoning, possibly followed by the view that it
wouldn’t have happened in their day. They may well have a good point. The old
persons flesh may be weak but the mind is still as cunning as ever. An older
person may make an excellent addition to your team, and then when they are
finally coming to the end of their natural life span. Throw em to the Zombies,
it’s what they would have wanted. I promise.
Exes
Start sending out those emails and texts now, make sure you
know where all the exes are for when you need them. I decree that it is
positively encouraged to throw exes towards zombies. Well come on, we might as
well get something positive out of the whole thing don’t you think? Call them
up, tell them you need their protection from the big scary zombies, this works
equally well whether you are male or female. Wrap yourself in their protective
arms, and then push them into the mouth of the first zombie that looks at you
with hungry eyes. It’s what you would want.
There are plenty of options around for the individual who
likes the idea of putting a lot of flesh between themselves and the fast
approaching zombie invasion. Human shields may sound like a harsh way of
prolonging your own life but as humans we pretty much throw each other under
the bus at every opportunity anyway, even when our life doesn’t depend on it. Stopping
yourself from becoming Zombie pic and mix seems to be just the excuse humanity
has been looking for. So crack on, there needs to be no guilt involved,
especially if you parted on bad terms. How many of us have dreamt of feeding
our evil exes to zombies and watching as they have their eyes sucked slowly
from their skulls so that the zombies can drink their brains with a straw? Ok,
that might just be me. Never mind, forget I mentioned it.
So this is pretty much as far as I got with my handbook, if you are still here reading I applaud your stamina.
Do you have any tips or tricks for everyone to avoid getting munched on by Zombies?
Let me know
Big Fashionista X X
Lol!!!
ReplyDeleteCome the Zombie apocalypse I want only 2 things. A great big tank, preferably with a flame thrower attachment, and Bear Grylls (so that we may survive in the wild until all the Zombies have eaten each other. Obviously.)
This is the longest, most random post you have ever written.
ReplyDeleteAnd we all know what we're supposed to do come the Zombie Apocalypse. HIDE IN A PUB.
RCx
Love it. Especially the idea of a zombie marketing ploy to see their softer side. I think we could probably get them chained up and get them doing the crappy repetitive jobs cost free. Like pushing trolleys, sweeping up, garbage disposal.
ReplyDeleteI reckon some of them would fit right in, perhaps they are all going to start off doing the night shift at a Tescos
DeleteMy OH and I have a ZA* plan in place already. It is quite involved, but covers most eventualities lol. I think we both need to stop watching Zombie films tbh.
ReplyDeleteThis post is utterly brilliant, I read the whole thing and was giggling away to myself in places, thanks Kellie xo
* ZA is short for Zombie Apocalypse
It's always nice to see someone else has a Zombie Apocalypse plan. I really don't know why people don't plan for these sorts of things....I mean that guy was EATING SOMEONE'S FACE OFF!! And he was shot....growled at the police officer and continued to eat until he was shot "serval times"...wtf?!?! Obviously the apocalypse is bound to happen sooner or later. Another point on guns....loud noises are not your friend during a ZA. They just draw more zombies in and you have to move house again. Have you read The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks? Also I HIGHLY recommend World War Z (before the film comes out and ruins it by not follow the book at all...)
ReplyDeleteI could talk all day about zombie survival plans....I know mine involves going to my friends house to grab the zombie survival kit I made him a few years ago before I push him to the zombies and escape with a hatchet and some noodles....(possible all that's left in the kit...)
Noodles, what will you do with noodles ?
DeleteHopes it isn't something as simple as eat them
That was insane! The book - MAKE IT HAPPEN.
ReplyDeleteAnd if the worst happens I'm just going to wrap myself in bacon. No real reason, I just like bacon.
Best comment ever
DeleteDo I win bacon?
DeleteEvery time.
DeleteYou can also be in my human shield. You be tasty
Safe to say I would fall under the category of "Hider". Have you ever read Zombie Survival Guide? It had me seriously missing my old flat as that would have been the perfect place, were a zombie apocalpyse to befall us.
ReplyDeleteOnly just managed to sit down and read this post properly! I loved it! Can't wait for the book, tv spin off and hollywood movie!
ReplyDelete