Big Fashionistas (long) guide to avoiding death by zombie

 I apologise in advance as this is probably the longest blog post ever written, basically it started off as an idea for a book, but with yesterdays news about a naked man eating someones face off, i thought it wise to get it out there now.

This is the Big Fashionista Zombie Handbook.

Will it stop you getting eaten? God knows, but I really enjoyed writing it.

No-one out there knows when or how the Zombies will first strike. Could it be that there is a faulty batch of fake tan out there that sinks into the skin and releases every users inner zombie? (I can’t see that effect being a major selling point) Perhaps the internet truly is bad for you. What parent out there hasn’t at one time or another been concerned that the internet or games consoles are turning their delightful teens into shuffling zombies that are a shadow of their former selves. (Listen to your parents kiddies, in the future they could be the ones that first spot the zombie potential)

The chances of it being something as simple as a laboratory leak, as in the movies saddens me. If we are going to dance with the Zombies let us do it with some originality. I don’t want you leaving this world cursing the fact that someone skipped out of their health and safety classes to go and watch Rihanna in concert instead.

“It’s the blue button to switch it off”

 “Are you sure?”

 “Well it’s either to switch it off or to release a deadly virus into the world which turns everyone into zombies with a craving for very, very, very, rare meat”

“Ahhhhhhh, lets chance it”

How boring would that be? I want a back story, if this whole world is going to end as we know it, let’s make it something different.

I want to see Eamonn Holmes on Sky News announce that the zombie virus was caused by the mutation of a vaccination which was created to prevent the spread of reality TV stars who threaten to take over the planet, now there is a back story Zombies could really get their teeth into. Pesky reality TV stars, like cockroaches I have a suspicion that when the final human is about to fall foul to the zombie invasion, Jedward will jump out of a hidden room and declare themselves the winners.

Other ideas for the beginning of the Zombie invasion include Polluted bottled water: That would be quite funny in an ironic sort of way wouldn’t it? All those people avoiding tap water like the plague, guzzling down bottled water and feeling superior and suddenly BAM, middle-class zombies everywhere. Or how about the Greenhouse effect? Finally all the scientists could hold a convention, stand around and say “I told you so” before then being gobbled up by a zombiefied Al Gore and David Attenborough, It’s what they would have wanted. Maybe Social Media could have been the cause, finally, something turned truly viral. Another contender has to be coffee: If we drink it, we turn into zombies, if we don’t, we turn into zombies. For some, it’s a chance they are willing to take. I know I am.

Maybe we will never know what first caused the Zombie invasion. Does it matter? In the films it seems as though it does. But what we may be facing is real. There will be no American “man of the people” to save us this time. By the time an immunisation would have been created and tested and the interview process set up for operators of a helpline to decide whether you need the cure (Can you deliberately confuse a situation? You’re hired) it will be too late. Everyone who could have helped would have been less than delicately chewed upon and was last seen heading down Oxford street intent upon inviting some tourists over for dinner. (The tourists obviously being the dinner in question)

So let us leave the back story for now, we can always come back to it. Revisit it around a campfire one evening when there is only a few of us left and we can laugh about the situation we face.

If we make it that far…………………

So when is it going to happen?

Who knows is the only answer I can give you at this time. I don’t think Zombies are polite enough to send a letter of intent through the mail, although the chances are, we would only receive it once it was all over anyway. An E-mail? Maybe, this is a technologically savvy world in which we live and I am more than sure that Zombies already have Facebook and Twitter covered. They could be following market trends to gauge when would be best to first strike. They could have pooled their resources to hire an SEO company who can look at when they are hot and when they are not.

Their next move could be to hire a great PR firm that can change public opinions of Zombies. (A job for Catsarse pr?)

Obviously this may take some time. Firstly they would need to appear on a reality TV programme so that people could see the softer side of their personality. This may take a couple of attempts as even the most restrained of zombies would want to eat the celebrities if trapped in a house with them for nine weeks (Note to Zombie PR, this may actually work to your advantage if you pick the right celebrities)

A couple of spreads in some well known magazines expressing how they have always been misunderstood and now they are finally getting a chance to show the “real” them, Although the obligatory bikini spread in lads magazines may want to be kept on the back burner for a while, especially if the zombie in question is missing a limb or two (and their nose)

Zombies cuddling kittens is always a good selling point. Many teenage girls could finally move on from their vampire fetish and start romanticizing about Zombies. There could be a great revenue stream from posters, calendars as well as public appearances at shopping centres. Hollywood would watch in interest to see if they could build a franchise out of the Zombie apocalypse although I can see it being a flash in the pan. Once they start eating the viewers, who’s left to buy into their new improved image? Think of the shock to those poor soulless flesh destroying creatures, But that’s enough about Hollywood agents, let’s get back to when to expect the Zombies for dinner.

 I would hope that we will get some idea of when they will first strike, I would hate to go to bed one night and then wake up the next morning to empty streets and burnt out cars, it seems like a waste of a good cliché to me. The same goes for any hospital visits which involve having my eyes bandaged for a while, the minute everyone starts cooing over the light show, I’m out of there.

All I can suggest is to be constantly on your guard, if someone starts to salt and pepper your skin; the chances are the apocalypse has begun.

Fight or Flight

 Once the Zombies have made their intentions known, now is the time to decide what sort of role you are going to play in the zombie fight back. You can be a hero, you can be a hider. You can be a leader or a follower

The choice is completely yours.

There is absolutely no shame in being any of the above.

There may be death, but no shame.

The hero,

They may get all the sex they can handle but it is a very rare occurrence that the hero makes it all the way to the end of a film. And if we are basing our zombie fight back on the twenty first century self help manual which is television then you have to weigh up the pros and cons of getting laid, or getting dead. The hero constantly needs to put themselves in danger to save others. Their life is just meaningless unless it is being dangled in front of a zombie as a type of amuse bouche. These heroes will walk amongst us, constantly throwing themselves in front of others to protect them, whether they really want to be protected or not. Usually these heroes have no respect for their own life and occasionally are just trying to atone for sins they committed pre Zombie apocalypse. I’m all for holding out for a hero (Thanks Bonnie) in fact the more heroes that want to stand between me and those chewing little buggers the better, but I don’t want them coming back to me when they are shuffling, flesh munching zombie like creatures acting like I owe them a limb or two for breakfast. Take it up with your union, I’m not interested. Thanks for all your help.

The hider

The hider is a clever little bugger, whether they are hiding in a cellar, behind a hero or hiding in plain sight, the hider makes themselves invisible to the zombie eye, never getting involved in the actual killing of zombies or anything that can put them in danger of being eaten. The hider isn’t a coward, far from it. When all the heroes are dead it will be down to these hiders to find a way of carrying on. Calling them all cowards is just going to hurt their feelings and make them want to hide behind you! It can safely be assumed that members of parliament who are currently adept at hiding in plain sight will be part of this team of hiders, this leads me to be concerned that we are screwed either way. We either surrender to a life of servitude to masters who wish to devour us, makes our lives worthless and overrun our country with blood……………….or the zombies win.

The leader

A great position to be in, especially if you surround yourself with heroes. The leader makes the tough decisions that affect everyone, usually without any risk to them.

“I want you take a group of six people with you to go and head off that group of 5000 zombies that are fast approaching”

“I need a volunteer to hold this Semtex and then light the fuse just as the zombies begin to chew on your toes while we all escape out the back. You? Good girl”

Everything is for the good of the group, and this usually involves keeping the leader safe at all times. But you can’t just appoint yourself leader. In this day and age we are far used to living in a democracy. You could say that you are just waiting for the postal votes to be counted and you don’t mind being the leader while you wait for those to come in (some fools might fall for it) You could commit an act of bravery in front of everyone which shows you are an inspirational leader but of course this could lead to the unfortunate act of death and a dead leader is never good for team morale (although it worked for the Labour party)

It’s a tricky position to be in. Especially if there is someone else angling for the job. There is always going to be someone else that decides being the leader is quite a cushy role to have. In these cases it may be wise to recommend some sort of challenge to decide who has the capabilities of being a great leader. A Zombie assault course perhaps? Whoever is interested in becoming the leader needs to complete the course where you will zig at the group of zombies on the corner, zag at the gathering in the square, perhaps crawl under the pile of as-yet-unturned corpses that are currently festering on the edge of the town and perhaps a zip wire could be placed over a highly dangerous no go area. Fastest finisher becomes the leader.

Offer to go last. When they all become lunch then as last person standing you will become leader by default. No one ever remembers how anyone became the leader, and if someone ever does question your leadership then there is a suicide zombie hunting mission out there with their name on it.

The Follower.

Tricky, very tricky. You didn’t have the cunning to become the leader and somehow you have found yourself caught up in a group where the mantra is there is no I in team. You have to pull your weight in order to survive. Now it goes without saying that you don’t want to come to your senses one day when you have zombies chewing on your toes and Semtex in your hands wondering whether you have taken follow the leader one step too far. You need to make yourself indispensible. Work to your skills, no point in being used as Zombie bait when you are the only one who can pick a lock or the only one of the group who has ever fired a gun. That’s just wasteful. Can you cook? I don’t mean heat things up in the microwave, those will be gone. And if you ever considered that cooking then you possibly deserve everything you get anyway. Can you cook from scratch? With ingredients and stuff? It’s a dying art. You will not be used as Zombie fodder anytime fast. How about knitting? Without central heating scarves and hats will be needed. It is the practicalities like this that are going to keep you alive. You need to work to your skill set no matter how minor. Can you speak Mandarin? There may well be a need for this skill one day. I’m not sure when but if the leader is looking for volunteers to play pass the semtex with the zombies it doesn’t hurt to remind them every now and then that you are an integral part of the team that is better suited to helping keep them alive by you actually getting to be alive

If all else fails, telling the leader how wonderfully amazing they are and what a wonderful person they are may also work. Everyone needs their ego stroked occasionally, better to be a walking, talking sycophant with no shame than the zombie equivalent of steak tartar.

Choose your roles carefully. You have to stick to it. You can’t just try a couple on for size to see how they fit and see if they are for you. There is no interview process, no internship and no union. Your life will depend on the role you choose.

Good luck.

Weapons of choice

Now obviously we are currently not mentally prepared for the Zombie apocalypse and if we are not mentally prepared there is no way we are physically prepared. Who wants to open their front door to what they think is the postman, only to find a snarling rabid zombie. (bad start to the day) What will you be fighting him off with? Your dressing gown cord? A thong? Obviously until the day actually comes when there are zombies actually on the streets it isn’t advisable or legal to walk around with a weapon. But use the time wisely as you wait to think about what you have that, when the time comes can be used to send the zombie to its death for a second time.

So they are here, finally. Time to get your killing on.

For some people this is what they have always dreamed of. A chance to get rid of some built up stress. Do you really think all those grown up men who keep bats by the side of their beds play baseball or cricket? Nope, they have been waiting for the chance to use that bat in anger. And today is their lucky day.

Big Sticks;

The old beat it over the head method. It works but you obviously don’t really want to get too close to the business end (the teeth)

Tool sheds…………………………………………..

Death by automobile;

It may work for a while, but with so many cars on the road you have more chance of becoming a human tin of spam for the zombies than actually being able to run more than one down. The M25 will be like a row of metal lunchboxes for zombies, they can just peel back the lids and eat. Use the car to get you from A to B if you can but don’t expect it to be your defence against all of them.

Guns;

I’m basing this in the UK where if you have a gun already, then you possibly pose a bigger danger to me than the zombies. In the films everyone has a gun, even the cute children who people lay down their lives for at every opportunity are heavily armed. Guns are not going to be the stalwart of the UKs defence, but on the plus side, the chances of my death by a muppet with a gun he has never fired before is a lot lower than if I was in the USA.

Sharp things;

Decorative Samarai swords, knives, machetes, even letter openers. If slicing stuff with knives was an Olympic sport then the UK would win gold. Sharp shit will save your life, just be prepared to have back up sharp stuff as you will lose your sharp stuff on a regular basis in all out zombie warfare, only the foolish carry just the one weapon on them, even a gun toting cowboy has back up weaponery, Don’t be the exception to the rule. Anyway, there is no match for something sharp, slicey and dicey. It gets the job done and done well. If you are squeamish then you may want to get over it PDQ. People will judge you as equally badly if you hate the sight of blood as if you are turned on by it zombie style. 

Reasoning

You cannot reason with what is dead. You can’t charm it or make it die of laughter. If you think this approach will work for you, then you will bring a whole new meaning to corpseing on stage. The roads will be littered with do-gooders who thought they could perhaps show the zombies the error of their ways. Hug a zombie was never going to work, if it didn’t work for hoodies what makes you think it will work for flesh desiring creatures of darkness. Let the do-gooders and comedians find out for themselves what a bad audience zombies can make. The sharp edge of your tongue is no match for the sharp edge of a blade.

Get tooled up, stay tooled up

The morale of this is go big, go large, go hard. When you have taken down your zombie opponent don’t forget to hit him again. No-one has ever got in trouble for hitting a zombie too hard. Everyone has seen the films where the bad guy goes down, good guy takes his eyes off the bad guy for a second, Bad guy leaps up and eats good guys face, rendering good guy dead and bad guy with severe case of indigestion.

Let this be a warning to you all, if you want to keep your face. Hit it again, with whatever weapon you have to hand.

Then hit it again, and again. Once more for luck? Why not.

Types of Zombies

Short zombies, fat zombies, tall zombies, skinny zombies. This is not an issue, there is no sizeism in the life of a zombie, no-one will ever look a zombie up and down and declare they need to lose some weight and the chances of a group of zombies sitting around in a coffee shop discussing how it feels to be different is minimal. (Although I understand the ones without limbs are looked down upon)

However each Zombie IS different and your chances of surviving a one on one confrontation with a zombie depends upon things like the age of the zombie.

Now usually the only things I like to be ripe are pears and bananas, but it is a whole different game when you are in a one on one situation with a zombie, fighting for your life.

The older the zombie, the better.

Zombies rot. They are dead. dead people rot. Now no-one likes to think about it but it happens. If I am going to hit a zombie I would quite like it if the sound I heard when I hit it was the sound of its head exploding like an over-ripe watermelon.

First generation Zombies.

Like a first generation iPod, the older zombies are going to be clunky and slow in comparison to the later models. If you are going to be chased down a street followed by a hungry zombie who thinks you look like lunch then pray to your god you are being chased by one of these bad boys. If their feet have rotted off then you may even be able to out-walk it. There is no need to be cocky about it though, many a brave film star has thought they had lost the following zombie that was chasing them, only to turn the corner to find they had walked into a zombie trap. Farewell movie star, you rocked, if only for the opening credits. Older zombies have the added feature of being very hungry. I mean model-like hunger. They don’t get a chance to sit around and chew the fat that often so you have to realise you look incredibly attractive in a non-sexual, edible, lunchy sort of way.

Boring run of the mill zombies

Just your average zombie, if you are going be the sort of person that gets eaten and turned into a zombie treat, then for Gods sake make it classy. There is nothing more boring than being dined upon by a zombie without a back story. It’s just a waste of a good life. You will be judged by me and found wanting. Being eaten by a nobody? Oh the shame. Let’s gather up some self respect and try to avoid the death by random zombie route.  This type of zombie is everywhere. They are the cockroaches of the zombie world, scuttling around eating everything and anyone they can find. You are purely just a means to an end for this type of zombie. Don’t feel special if you get dined upon by this zombie. They won’t send flowers afterwards and even if they tell you that you are their first, you aren’t. You are just part of a long line of pleasurable meals that Mr or Mrs Zombie has enjoyed. Like fast food you were filling for a while but soon as you are digested, they are hungry again. An Unhappy meal if you wish.

 Newbie Zombies

Zombies look like zombies, they are pretty easy to spot as well as smell. The personal hygiene of a zombie leaves a lot to be desired, but then, has there ever been a deodorant created that can mask the smell of rotting flesh? Most Zombies don’t need to wear a sign around their neck announcing their membership of the undead, there are certain characteristics that just give the game away visually, rotten skin, ambling gait, lack of communication skills and a bad odour. The comparison between zombies and teenagers is often made but it is rare teenagers develop a craving for human flesh, they are usually far more likely to go vegetarian. But do you really want to take that chance?

But Newbie Zombies or as yet unturned zombies are a whole new problem. You wouldn’t snuggle up with what you know is a flesh-munching creature, but how do you know that the person who you are depending upon to have your back won’t suddenly turn into a zombie and eat your back, front and face.

You don’t do you? And that is going to lead to a whole lot of trust issues in the future. You can’t all walk around naked to prove that you haven’t been bitten. That’s a whole other genre of zombie films I have yet to explore. 

Newly turned zombies also have the advantage of being relatively unrotted, so are fast on their feet and have all their own teeth “All the better to chew you with little girl” They are harder to kill as it seems they almost have a point to prove. Now unless there is a zombie point system that no-one has ever talked about I am sure this isn’t the case. But who wants to be the one to test this theory? Not I my friend. Newbie Zombies should be avoided wherever possible, give them a chance to ripen and rot up a bit before tackling them head on,

Zombie friends & family.

Ah, I’m sorry about this one. At some point in the zombie apocalypse, someone you know will try to eat you, It is all about the six degrees of separation, If it’s not a friend or family member then perhaps a friend of a friend. This always presents with some unneeded and totally unnecessary social awkwardness that comes with the words “Let’s do lunch” It goes without saying that they are now forever off your Christmas card list and perhaps a defriending on the Book of Face is required but do you have it in you to put them out of your misery? Perhaps if it is an ex then it may be a very easy decision to make to cave their head in with a spade but what if it is Grandma? No, not that one, the other one. It’s not so easy to do is it? Grandma on the other hand sees you as sustenance and nothing else, cave that crazy bitches head in, stat.

There is no space in this war for sentiment. If you don’t think you can be the sort of person who can take down a family member who wants to spread your liver on their toast, then you might as well start seasoning your skin now. Because the family will at some point be coming over for dinner and you are the first course, and possibly dessert.

Human shields

When the zombies start to first get all bitey and angry, take five minutes or so to take stock of what is happening and see how you can make the most of the pretty crappy situation you are in.  Not only can you take this time to gather up weapons but if we are being pragmatic about it, gather up some human shields.

Firstly, it goes without saying the fat people are essential to your plan. If you are going to be sprinting for your life with a pack of hungry zombies behind you, someone slower than you is always a must. And it is only common sense that if there is more of the person to love, I mean eat, it will take longer and fill up more zombies than if for example you threw them a skinny person.  Fat people are generally going to be slow, although if you are unlucky enough to pick one that is nimble you can always use them to block up windows or doors.  If you are looking at yourself now and thinking, whoops I’m currently a bit on the chunky side, consider this the best incentive to lose weight you will ever get. And I am sure that you will be able to raise a couple of quid by selling the story of your weight loss to the tabloids “I stopped eating so that I wouldn’t be eaten by zombies” Catchy huh?

Children

It may have worked for the dictators of the world but you won’t get far appealing to a zombies sense of family or make them stop attempting to chew on your leg by threatening bodily violence to a child. Perhaps dangling a child off a ledge would distract them for a while, but unless you are one of those hard-hearted people that can actually go through with dropping the child as casually as if you are feeding the dolphins then seriously what is the point? Karma is a bitch and the next time the dinner bell rings, it could be you being served up like a human sushi equivalent. No-one ever wants to be the person who threatens the safety of a child. Do it and you will be viewed as worse than the zombies on the threat level scale. Stop for a minute and think……….. are you the BADDIE here now?   All those zombies out there and in five minutes of madness you have set yourself up as public enemy number one! Bad news travels fast and while people will soon get used to being zombie lunch they will never get so jaded that they can’t fail to be pretty damn pissed off you’ve been using children as sacrifices. Next time you are in a sticky situation and need some back up, it won’t be arriving any time soon and once you have been overrun and eaten, don’t expect any kind words said at your grave, and if you turn into a zombie, expect a queue of people ready to put you out of your misery, slowly. Take my advice, stay away from the children. It won’t ever work out well for you.

Old people

Hmmmmmm, always  a difficult one, especially if they are cute and remind someone of their own grandparents (see cute children) but if they are fractious and annoying and smell of wee then sometimes you can be justified, especially if you make it look like an accident. But prepare to be pleasantly surprised. A lot of the older generation are stubborn as hell and are not going to roll over easily. On at least one occasion an old person will point out to you that they didn’t give in to the Nazis, they aren’t going to be giving in to some undead youth in a hoody with a craving for raw human, they may also have some insights into what caused the whole zombie uprising, “lack of discipline” will probably feature quite heavily in their reasoning, possibly followed by the view that it wouldn’t have happened in their day. They may well have a good point. The old persons flesh may be weak but the mind is still as cunning as ever. An older person may make an excellent addition to your team, and then when they are finally coming to the end of their natural life span. Throw em to the Zombies, it’s what they would have wanted. I promise.

Exes

Start sending out those emails and texts now, make sure you know where all the exes are for when you need them. I decree that it is positively encouraged to throw exes towards zombies. Well come on, we might as well get something positive out of the whole thing don’t you think? Call them up, tell them you need their protection from the big scary zombies, this works equally well whether you are male or female. Wrap yourself in their protective arms, and then push them into the mouth of the first zombie that looks at you with hungry eyes. It’s what you would want.

There are plenty of options around for the individual who likes the idea of putting a lot of flesh between themselves and the fast approaching zombie invasion. Human shields may sound like a harsh way of prolonging your own life but as humans we pretty much throw each other under the bus at every opportunity anyway, even when our life doesn’t depend on it. Stopping yourself from becoming Zombie pic and mix seems to be just the excuse humanity has been looking for. So crack on, there needs to be no guilt involved, especially if you parted on bad terms. How many of us have dreamt of feeding our evil exes to zombies and watching as they have their eyes sucked slowly from their skulls so that the zombies can drink their brains with a straw? Ok, that might just be me. Never mind, forget I mentioned it.

So this is pretty much as far as I got with my handbook, if you are still here reading I applaud your stamina.


Do you have any tips or tricks for everyone to avoid getting munched on by Zombies?


Let me know




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