Monday, 25 June 2012

Happy Hell-idays

So I am back, A HUGE thank you to everyone who guest posted for me over the last week and I still have some more guest posts that I didn't get to use this week which will also be making an appearance very soon.

So unless you have been living under a rock (which is still better accommodation than I've put up with over this last week) you will know that I have been on hell-iday for the last 8 days in a small tin box which is otherwise known as a car-a-van.

A small side note here, I am not talking about a static caravan here, I am talking about one of those rolling ones which you get stuck behind on the motorway.

I am talking FIELDS.

With a toilet block

and ANTS

and TREES and grass, you know, nature stuff and all that.

Now I don't know what sort of picture you have of me but I am a London girl through and through, I get all confused when there is grass on the pavements, I feel like I should be wearing a flat cap, tweed and Hunters, I start looking out for sheep and haystacks. (Dagenham is the countryside right?)

Sticking me in a caravan for a week is probably NOT my idea of a holiday.

For many, many reasons.


Amusement arcades. Apparently no trip in a caravan is complete without a trip to the seaside, and no trip to the seaside is complete without the migraine inducing hell that is the amusements. Now I don't know what they coat 2 pence pieces in but they make your hands smell for hours. No-ones hands should smell of 2 pence pieces, it is wrong and there is no hand soap in the world that is strong enough to remove the metallic stench (I thought about sticking my hand in a cowpat to make it smell better) throw in bells, flashing lights and the sound of screaming children "JUST TEN PENCE MORE PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE" and you have a recipe for the best torture method in the world bar NONE.

Ants. A caravanners worst nightmare, (well almost the worst but I will get to that shortly) Ants are just tiny ninja burglars all dressed in black ready for midnight manoeuvres. If you drop one grain of sugar you are invaded so fast you might as well check and see if you own oil rights. They march through your smalls, your larges, even your COFFEE (bastards) Trust me there is nothing worse than opening a bag of sugar to discover ants partying in the bag like it is Ibiza. it is like an ant orgy and I don't know if they have internet or tiny smart phones to communicate but once one Ant realises you are open for business then before you know it you have their whole family, friends and casual acquaintances breathing down your neck and stomping through your cupboards (It's like being invaded by teenagers)

The worst thing about a holiday in a touring caravan is THE TOILET BLOCK. Now if you know anything about tourer toilets you KNOW. You just know

The toilet in the caravan is for wees only.

No poos allowed. Not even by accident. You want a poo, you go across to the toilet block, (Now if you are shuddering even reading this then pack Ex-Lax if you ever go in a tourer because a shy bladder is NOTHING compared to shy bowels) and annoyingly a toilet block is never empty, especially if it also doubles as a shower block. Whether it is 10am or 3am, if you need to go and you have waited until the block is completely empty you can guarantee the minute your backside hits the seat someone will walk into the block. If you are lucky they will have a shower in which case crack on quick because the noise of the shower and their screams as the cold wet shower curtain wraps itself around them will mask any noises you can make. If you are unlucky they will dismiss the other seven empty cubicles and choose to go in the one right next to yours. If you are EXTREMELY unlucky they will try to make small talk through the walls. Always fun.

Do you know the BEST thing about caravan holidays?


Never has a bubble bath been so bubbly, my bed been so soft and cozy and my kettle been so appreciated.

Also now I am home my house feels HUGE.

But even after all this moaning, I know that I will be doing it all again in August.

Expect next time I will be packing Ant Killer, And NO 2 pence pieces.

So what do you think? Have you experienced the hell of a caravan?

Did you miss me?

And how great were my guest posts last week? I was in AWE.

Let me know

Big Fashionista


  1. HAAHAHAAAAAAAA literally chuckling to myself reading this! I would not really consider going on a caravan holiday, not with my two, it was cramped enough when we last did it when K was a baby, now.....*shudder*
    Loved the guest posts all week, was great to see some fantastic writing talent showcased, glad to have you back though babe, you were missed x

  2. Haha I'm with you Kel, caravans are evil. My extra agony is I can neither stand up properly or even lie in a caravan bed properly as I'm taller than rooms are long. :-(

    1. There was no ROOMS! There is a curtain and thats it ;-)

  3. I have just spend 4 nights in a tent for the Red Hot Chilli Peppers in Knebworth. It was cold, wet, and generally miserable. Why bugs and ants cannot leave you the hell alone I don't know! I feel your pain, I resorted to re-tweeting old blogs as I didn't know I was going until the day before, no signal and dampness is not a good look on me!! As for toilet blocks, I hate them! Went camping a few months ago and they are minging at best! Don't know how you coped! Why are you doing it AGAIN?! lol! Great post as always! x

    1. August bank holiday is always fun. Camp fires and alcohol and music.

  4. BF we missed chuuuuuuuuu! Hope you're refreshed and ready to go now! ;)

  5. I am never ever Going in a caravan holiday. You however can go on loads because it gives you comedy gold haha

  6. Gnats everywhere when we went to our van - I was bitten so much I looked like I'd been attacked by Mr Grey....don't have to use the shower block as we have a static, but it always smells like a incontinent tramps underpants when you walk past it...

  7. Pretty much my idea of hell. I'd just never do it. Ever!

    I did enjoy the guest posts, but I missed you.
    Welcome home princess <3 xo

  8. Welcome home! Sounds like you had quite the ordeal. I have camped a couple of times - though never in a caravan - but now I've snared him, I don't have to pretend to like it anymore! lol

  9. As OH is having a mid-life crisis & making me share bits of it (luckily not the bit that involves climbing kilimanjaro in october) I am going to experience my first festival and my first 4 nights in a tent at the end of July. The fact that its a folk festival isn't a point in its favour in any way either. Welcome back, the guest posts were bloody brilliant, but there's only one Big Fash. xx


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