Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Children as Howler Monkeys, a scientific study revisited

Two years ago I wrote this post ----------> My Children as Howler Monkeys

in which I compared my three children to a pack of small Howler Monkeys (It must have been the beginning of the summer holidays as by the end I was comparing them to a pack of rabid wolves)

and I thought that now would be the right time to revisit the pack of Howler Monkeys to see how two years had changed them.

The last time we visited the pack, the youngest female Howler monkey was 4 and the eldest female was 9 and in between them was the male Howler monkey, just 8 years old.

We revisit the pack to see just how the dynamics of the group have changed.

The first thing that we notice is that the dominant member of the pack is surprisingly the 6 year old female. This small female howler monkey has learnt that exercising her vocal chords (SCREAMING HER FRICKING HEAD OFF) usually gets her what she wants. The other howler monkeys may not like it, but to be fair, they were the ones who originally gave into her and taught her how to win at this game so they only have themselves to blame. (so there)

The two elder Howler monkeys have lost a lot of their baby ways now, the eldest female communicates mainly in grunts with the occasional scream thrown in for good measure. She is easily distracted by shiny things like money although she quickly buries it in places such as Forever 21 and quickly forgets that she ever had it, pestering the grown up Howler Monkey (that would be ME) for more.

The male Howler monkey at this time has lost all interest in self grooming, (which is lucky as the elder female spends most of her time in front of the mirror) This urge to groom will not return until he spots a female Howler Monkey that he likes the look of and will then mean I will have to purchase another mirror to stop the carnage that will otherwise ensue.

Another thing that I have observed about the more grown up howler monkeys is their inability to do anything for themselves, they seem to have lost the use of their arms and legs especially at meal times. They have turned from being helpful little howler monkeys who were proud to tell you they had cut up their own food and mutated into a new sub-species that lose all ability to function when asked to set a table.

The pack of howler monkeys also seem to be locked into some kind of power struggle game that demands constant refereeing, their constant battle cry of MUM, MUM, MUM is designed to not only phase their opposition but drain the hell out of the pack leader who cannot even go to the bathroom in peace anymore.

So let me bring you my conclusion to these very scientific findings.

Two years on the Howler Monkeys seem to be growing at a very fast rate and consuming more than their bodyweight in food each day.

The mother Howler Monkey needs a bloody break from looking after the bloody Howler Monkeys every now and then.

and if my children really were Howler Monkeys I would have shipped them off to London Zoo a LONG time ago as perhaps this is not possibly the right habitat for them anymore.

What do you think?

Does the mother Howler Monkey need a break?

What scientific study are you carrying out in your home during the six weeks hell-iday, what animals would you compare your little angels to?

Anyone know the number of a good zoo?

Let me know

Big Fashionista x x



  1. Best. Post. Ever.

    I'm going to Colchester zoo on Friday so I'll make some enquiries for you.

  2. This is hilarious.

    My little boy would be a cat. He wriggles incessantly, is very skittish and whines and mews like a cat. In fact recently, upon been woken in the middle of the night by him, I elbowed my partner and (whilst still half asleep) instructed him to 'go sort the cat out.' Oopsie.

  3. School starts in 21 days, 10 hours, 18 minutes and 37 seconds. Does that tell you how I am doing this holiday? Although I managed to make it 4 weeks before going positively postal/fishwife on them one day. One can only take so much whining.

    Now when they come running in the door with shouts of "MOM!!! so-and-so did such-and-such" I turn around walk up the stairs and go into my bedroom and shut the door. They need to learn to work through conflict by themselves. Otherwise I may just have to hide bodies.

  4. This is some kind of awesomeness! Seriously funny. Poor mother Howler Monkey.

  5. Not sure what my son is, a mix between a sloth and a tasmanian devil I reckon, he can no longer do anything except stretch ask for money then go somewhere on a skateboard / blades. A&E know us both so well now.

    I need a holiday just from the hospital trips. I think they are beginning to think I beat him daily...

  6. Funniest thing I've seen today. You rock lady! x x

  7. Brilliant! I didn't know what to compare Chaos to until Raven mentioned Taz. Squish would be a bush baby with his big eyes and the big one would be a scooter riding sloth!

    Such a great post and yes all mother howlers need a break. A day at a spa should sort you out!!

  8. Genius post! Mine have 8wks holiday - I'm coming with you on that spa break!

    Nic x

  9. Classic!! This has to be the truest post I've ever seen. I too live with monkeys, I have a gorilla (husband) an orangutan (daughter) and a chimp (son) and they all do my god damn head in!!

    Love you BF! X

  10. I have been conducting an experiment on white noise, volume and sanity this summer holiday. I will report back on my findings once my ears have stopped ringing ;) x

  11. lmao girl this cracked me up, perhaps we could swap howler monkeys for a day lol? you take mine and i take yours? your house sounds so much like mine its unreal lol. why is it the youngest howler monkey always rules the roost. There is hammerton zoo, its small and very far away from you so i will look out their number for you lol


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