Thursday, 31 May 2012

You're going to be OK.Com


So Alexandra Burke was last week reported to be devastated that notorious womaniser Jermaine Defoe has cheated on her and has apparently kicked his sorry arse to the kerb.


You go girlfriend.

What took you so long anyway? Even his ex girlfriend warned you that he was a cheating lying dog (That's some reference)  but it seems that the lure of a bad boy is strong in this one (My very bad Yoda impression)


She even sang,

"The bad boys, are always catching my eye"

Bloody hell love, just because you sing it, doesn't mean you have to live it, (Same goes for you Adele)
Why do some women always think they can be the one to tame a man, to change him? To be the female equivalent of a quick trip to the vet to be neutered (Doesn't stop them wanting to lick their own testicles does it?) to stop him from wanting to hump random strangers legs (and more)


The thing is, even with his track record of tripping, falling and landing on someones welcoming vah-jay-jay I predict that Mr Defoe will have no problem getting himself another girlfriend or willing bed partner. I await the next edition of Heat magazine or Hello magazine with (bored indifference) baited breath to see the obligitory interview with Mr Defoe and A.N Other woman, both saying he is a changed man and wil...........(Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)


Alexandra, think of it as buying an expensive wardrobe of clothing, you fully invested, it didn't fit, you burned the clothes (pictures, teddy bears and jewellery) and now you (hopefully) realise that they weren't to your taste anyway. Lesson learnt.

For GODS sake please don't start singing about it though, Adele is taking a couple of years off but she will be back lady, and THOSE shoes aren't going to fit you...

Stick to your little poppy type numbers and I'm sure you will be OK.......


OK.com maybe?


I'd tell Alexandra to stay away from those bad boys but I don't think she'd listen do you?


Is she a bad boy magnet? or just unlucky?


And what is it about the attraction of a bad boy that makes some women want them more instead of running away screaming?


Let me know


Big Fashionista xx


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Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Can I Think Slimmer?



I have documented many (many, many) times my hard fought battles with my weight, I am a yo-yo dieter, I have been on this merry-go round so many times I think I get a free spin next time. My weight goes up and down like Katie Prices knickers and I was truly sick of it.

I wanted a diet (Healthy lifestyle plan) that didn't involve being all about food, If I tell you not to think about a giraffe in a bow tie, you are going to think of a giraffe in a bow tie aren't you? (sorry if you now carry that image around with you all day but it is better than imagining Katie Prices knickers isn't it?)

I'm bored of weighing, counting, guilting, and feeling bad. I can diet, I do it well, but like the saying goes, when I am good, I am very very good, when I am bad you will find me face down in a tray cake (or something like that)

So when Sandra from Thinking Slimmer contacted me and asked if I would like to try it HER way I was actually interested in finding out more. A Slimpod? Listening to a CD for just ten minutes a day? I have to admit that at first I thought the only way that would work is if I taped it over my mouth.


The CDs came, (I also got a Fitpod) I listened, I relaxed, I carried on with my daily routine, and when I went to eat my dinner that night I found I couldn't finish it, and each day since although I have been dishing up the same portions as I always have, I have found that I am stopping before I get too full up. There has been no uncomfortable feeling of fullness or just eating for the sake of it.

I've found as the first week progresses I seem to subconsciously making better decisions about food, I don't crave anything naughty because so far this week I haven't thought about food until it was time to eat. I haven't had an afternoon lull, or sugar craving, I have been eating breakfast again, without feeling that it is a chore and I have been RUNNING again as well!!!! Last week I did the Canary Wharf 5k Jog and raised £175 for The British Heart Foundation.

Check me out in my Jenni Falconer XPG running gear from Debenhams!!!!



I'm going to try to take a picture each week in the same gear so that I can see the difference in my size,


For me Thinking Slimmer is working so far because it seems like I'm NOT thinking if that makes sense. I am visualising good things, but I am not constantly thinking about food.


I actually feel at the moment as though I have stepped OFF the Merry Go Round of dieting. It is a lovely feeling I must admit.


And in case you were wondering..........


I lost 5lb this week and an inch off my waist AND hips.

No calorie counting, no weighing, I just ate. it really was that simple. Yes I was really pleased with the weight loss but for me it was more the deep sigh of relief that my world ISN'T governed by food.

And for me this week that has been a lovely world to be in.




You can find out more about Thinking Slimmer at www.thinkingslimmer.com

I would love to hear your thoughts (and hopefully congrats on my weightloss-LOL)


Big Fashionista x x x



Disclaimer, this CD was provided by Thinking Slimmer for review purposes but as always all my opinions and views are my own.


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Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Big Fashionistas (long) guide to avoiding death by zombie




 I apologise in advance as this is probably the longest blog post ever written, basically it started off as an idea for a book, but with yesterdays news about a naked man eating someones face off, i thought it wise to get it out there now.

This is the Big Fashionista Zombie Handbook.
Will it stop you getting eaten? God knows, but I really enjoyed writing it.



No-one out there knows when or how the Zombies will first strike. Could it be that there is a faulty batch of fake tan out there that sinks into the skin and releases every users inner zombie? (I can’t see that effect being a major selling point) Perhaps the internet truly is bad for you. What parent out there hasn’t at one time or another been concerned that the internet or games consoles are turning their delightful teens into shuffling zombies that are a shadow of their former selves. (Listen to your parents kiddies, in the future they could be the ones that first spot the zombie potential)

The chances of it being something as simple as a laboratory leak, as in the movies saddens me. If we are going to dance with the Zombies let us do it with some originality. I don’t want you leaving this world cursing the fact that someone skipped out of their health and safety classes to go and watch Rihanna in concert instead.

“It’s the blue button to switch it off”

 “Are you sure?”

 “Well it’s either to switch it off or to release a deadly virus into the world which turns everyone into zombies with a craving for very, very, very, rare meat”

“Ahhhhhhh, lets chance it”

How boring would that be? I want a back story, if this whole world is going to end as we know it, let’s make it something different.

I want to see Eamonn Holmes on Sky News announce that the zombie virus was caused by the mutation of a vaccination which was created to prevent the spread of reality TV stars who threaten to take over the planet, now there is a back story Zombies could really get their teeth into. Pesky reality TV stars, like cockroaches I have a suspicion that when the final human is about to fall foul to the zombie invasion, Jedward will jump out of a hidden room and declare themselves the winners.

Other ideas for the beginning of the Zombie invasion include Polluted bottled water: That would be quite funny in an ironic sort of way wouldn’t it? All those people avoiding tap water like the plague, guzzling down bottled water and feeling superior and suddenly BAM, middle-class zombies everywhere. Or how about the Greenhouse effect? Finally all the scientists could hold a convention, stand around and say “I told you so” before then being gobbled up by a zombiefied Al Gore and David Attenborough, It’s what they would have wanted. Maybe Social Media could have been the cause, finally, something turned truly viral. Another contender has to be coffee: If we drink it, we turn into zombies, if we don’t, we turn into zombies. For some, it’s a chance they are willing to take. I know I am.

Maybe we will never know what first caused the Zombie invasion. Does it matter? In the films it seems as though it does. But what we may be facing is real. There will be no American “man of the people” to save us this time. By the time an immunisation would have been created and tested and the interview process set up for operators of a helpline to decide whether you need the cure (Can you deliberately confuse a situation? You’re hired) it will be too late. Everyone who could have helped would have been less than delicately chewed upon and was last seen heading down Oxford street intent upon inviting some tourists over for dinner. (The tourists obviously being the dinner in question)

So let us leave the back story for now, we can always come back to it. Revisit it around a campfire one evening when there is only a few of us left and we can laugh about the situation we face.


If we make it that far…………………


So when is it going to happen?



Who knows is the only answer I can give you at this time. I don’t think Zombies are polite enough to send a letter of intent through the mail, although the chances are, we would only receive it once it was all over anyway. An E-mail? Maybe, this is a technologically savvy world in which we live and I am more than sure that Zombies already have Facebook and Twitter covered. They could be following market trends to gauge when would be best to first strike. They could have pooled their resources to hire an SEO company who can look at when they are hot and when they are not.

Their next move could be to hire a great PR firm that can change public opinions of Zombies. (A job for Catsarse pr?)

Obviously this may take some time. Firstly they would need to appear on a reality TV programme so that people could see the softer side of their personality. This may take a couple of attempts as even the most restrained of zombies would want to eat the celebrities if trapped in a house with them for nine weeks (Note to Zombie PR, this may actually work to your advantage if you pick the right celebrities)

A couple of spreads in some well known magazines expressing how they have always been misunderstood and now they are finally getting a chance to show the “real” them, Although the obligatory bikini spread in lads magazines may want to be kept on the back burner for a while, especially if the zombie in question is missing a limb or two (and their nose)

Zombies cuddling kittens is always a good selling point. Many teenage girls could finally move on from their vampire fetish and start romanticizing about Zombies. There could be a great revenue stream from posters, calendars as well as public appearances at shopping centres. Hollywood would watch in interest to see if they could build a franchise out of the Zombie apocalypse although I can see it being a flash in the pan. Once they start eating the viewers, who’s left to buy into their new improved image? Think of the shock to those poor soulless flesh destroying creatures, But that’s enough about Hollywood agents, let’s get back to when to expect the Zombies for dinner.

 I would hope that we will get some idea of when they will first strike, I would hate to go to bed one night and then wake up the next morning to empty streets and burnt out cars, it seems like a waste of a good cliché to me. The same goes for any hospital visits which involve having my eyes bandaged for a while, the minute everyone starts cooing over the light show, I’m out of there.

All I can suggest is to be constantly on your guard, if someone starts to salt and pepper your skin; the chances are the apocalypse has begun.


Fight or Flight

 Once the Zombies have made their intentions known, now is the time to decide what sort of role you are going to play in the zombie fight back. You can be a hero, you can be a hider. You can be a leader or a follower

The choice is completely yours.

There is absolutely no shame in being any of the above.

There may be death, but no shame.



The hero,

They may get all the sex they can handle but it is a very rare occurrence that the hero makes it all the way to the end of a film. And if we are basing our zombie fight back on the twenty first century self help manual which is television then you have to weigh up the pros and cons of getting laid, or getting dead. The hero constantly needs to put themselves in danger to save others. Their life is just meaningless unless it is being dangled in front of a zombie as a type of amuse bouche. These heroes will walk amongst us, constantly throwing themselves in front of others to protect them, whether they really want to be protected or not. Usually these heroes have no respect for their own life and occasionally are just trying to atone for sins they committed pre Zombie apocalypse. I’m all for holding out for a hero (Thanks Bonnie) in fact the more heroes that want to stand between me and those chewing little buggers the better, but I don’t want them coming back to me when they are shuffling, flesh munching zombie like creatures acting like I owe them a limb or two for breakfast. Take it up with your union, I’m not interested. Thanks for all your help.

The hider

The hider is a clever little bugger, whether they are hiding in a cellar, behind a hero or hiding in plain sight, the hider makes themselves invisible to the zombie eye, never getting involved in the actual killing of zombies or anything that can put them in danger of being eaten. The hider isn’t a coward, far from it. When all the heroes are dead it will be down to these hiders to find a way of carrying on. Calling them all cowards is just going to hurt their feelings and make them want to hide behind you! It can safely be assumed that members of parliament who are currently adept at hiding in plain sight will be part of this team of hiders, this leads me to be concerned that we are screwed either way. We either surrender to a life of servitude to masters who wish to devour us, makes our lives worthless and overrun our country with blood……………….or the zombies win.



The leader

A great position to be in, especially if you surround yourself with heroes. The leader makes the tough decisions that affect everyone, usually without any risk to them.

“I want you take a group of six people with you to go and head off that group of 5000 zombies that are fast approaching”

“I need a volunteer to hold this Semtex and then light the fuse just as the zombies begin to chew on your toes while we all escape out the back. You? Good girl”

Everything is for the good of the group, and this usually involves keeping the leader safe at all times. But you can’t just appoint yourself leader. In this day and age we are far used to living in a democracy. You could say that you are just waiting for the postal votes to be counted and you don’t mind being the leader while you wait for those to come in (some fools might fall for it) You could commit an act of bravery in front of everyone which shows you are an inspirational leader but of course this could lead to the unfortunate act of death and a dead leader is never good for team morale (although it worked for the Labour party)

It’s a tricky position to be in. Especially if there is someone else angling for the job. There is always going to be someone else that decides being the leader is quite a cushy role to have. In these cases it may be wise to recommend some sort of challenge to decide who has the capabilities of being a great leader. A Zombie assault course perhaps? Whoever is interested in becoming the leader needs to complete the course where you will zig at the group of zombies on the corner, zag at the gathering in the square, perhaps crawl under the pile of as-yet-unturned corpses that are currently festering on the edge of the town and perhaps a zip wire could be placed over a highly dangerous no go area. Fastest finisher becomes the leader.

Offer to go last. When they all become lunch then as last person standing you will become leader by default. No one ever remembers how anyone became the leader, and if someone ever does question your leadership then there is a suicide zombie hunting mission out there with their name on it.

The Follower.

Tricky, very tricky. You didn’t have the cunning to become the leader and somehow you have found yourself caught up in a group where the mantra is there is no I in team. You have to pull your weight in order to survive. Now it goes without saying that you don’t want to come to your senses one day when you have zombies chewing on your toes and Semtex in your hands wondering whether you have taken follow the leader one step too far. You need to make yourself indispensible. Work to your skills, no point in being used as Zombie bait when you are the only one who can pick a lock or the only one of the group who has ever fired a gun. That’s just wasteful. Can you cook? I don’t mean heat things up in the microwave, those will be gone. And if you ever considered that cooking then you possibly deserve everything you get anyway. Can you cook from scratch? With ingredients and stuff? It’s a dying art. You will not be used as Zombie fodder anytime fast. How about knitting? Without central heating scarves and hats will be needed. It is the practicalities like this that are going to keep you alive. You need to work to your skill set no matter how minor. Can you speak Mandarin? There may well be a need for this skill one day. I’m not sure when but if the leader is looking for volunteers to play pass the semtex with the zombies it doesn’t hurt to remind them every now and then that you are an integral part of the team that is better suited to helping keep them alive by you actually getting to be alive

If all else fails, telling the leader how wonderfully amazing they are and what a wonderful person they are may also work. Everyone needs their ego stroked occasionally, better to be a walking, talking sycophant with no shame than the zombie equivalent of steak tartar.



Choose your roles carefully. You have to stick to it. You can’t just try a couple on for size to see how they fit and see if they are for you. There is no interview process, no internship and no union. Your life will depend on the role you choose.

Good luck.


Weapons of choice



Now obviously we are currently not mentally prepared for the Zombie apocalypse and if we are not mentally prepared there is no way we are physically prepared. Who wants to open their front door to what they think is the postman, only to find a snarling rabid zombie. (bad start to the day) What will you be fighting him off with? Your dressing gown cord? A thong? Obviously until the day actually comes when there are zombies actually on the streets it isn’t advisable or legal to walk around with a weapon. But use the time wisely as you wait to think about what you have that, when the time comes can be used to send the zombie to its death for a second time.

So they are here, finally. Time to get your killing on.

For some people this is what they have always dreamed of. A chance to get rid of some built up stress. Do you really think all those grown up men who keep bats by the side of their beds play baseball or cricket? Nope, they have been waiting for the chance to use that bat in anger. And today is their lucky day.

Big Sticks;

The old beat it over the head method. It works but you obviously don’t really want to get too close to the business end (the teeth)



Tool sheds…………………………………………..

Death by automobile;

It may work for a while, but with so many cars on the road you have more chance of becoming a human tin of spam for the zombies than actually being able to run more than one down. The M25 will be like a row of metal lunchboxes for zombies, they can just peel back the lids and eat. Use the car to get you from A to B if you can but don’t expect it to be your defence against all of them.

Guns;

I’m basing this in the UK where if you have a gun already, then you possibly pose a bigger danger to me than the zombies. In the films everyone has a gun, even the cute children who people lay down their lives for at every opportunity are heavily armed. Guns are not going to be the stalwart of the UKs defence, but on the plus side, the chances of my death by a muppet with a gun he has never fired before is a lot lower than if I was in the USA.



Sharp things;

Decorative Samarai swords, knives, machetes, even letter openers. If slicing stuff with knives was an Olympic sport then the UK would win gold. Sharp shit will save your life, just be prepared to have back up sharp stuff as you will lose your sharp stuff on a regular basis in all out zombie warfare, only the foolish carry just the one weapon on them, even a gun toting cowboy has back up weaponery, Don’t be the exception to the rule. Anyway, there is no match for something sharp, slicey and dicey. It gets the job done and done well. If you are squeamish then you may want to get over it PDQ. People will judge you as equally badly if you hate the sight of blood as if you are turned on by it zombie style. 

Reasoning

You cannot reason with what is dead. You can’t charm it or make it die of laughter. If you think this approach will work for you, then you will bring a whole new meaning to corpseing on stage. The roads will be littered with do-gooders who thought they could perhaps show the zombies the error of their ways. Hug a zombie was never going to work, if it didn’t work for hoodies what makes you think it will work for flesh desiring creatures of darkness. Let the do-gooders and comedians find out for themselves what a bad audience zombies can make. The sharp edge of your tongue is no match for the sharp edge of a blade.

Get tooled up, stay tooled up

The morale of this is go big, go large, go hard. When you have taken down your zombie opponent don’t forget to hit him again. No-one has ever got in trouble for hitting a zombie too hard. Everyone has seen the films where the bad guy goes down, good guy takes his eyes off the bad guy for a second, Bad guy leaps up and eats good guys face, rendering good guy dead and bad guy with severe case of indigestion.

Let this be a warning to you all, if you want to keep your face. Hit it again, with whatever weapon you have to hand.

Then hit it again, and again. Once more for luck? Why not.

Types of Zombies


Short zombies, fat zombies, tall zombies, skinny zombies. This is not an issue, there is no sizeism in the life of a zombie, no-one will ever look a zombie up and down and declare they need to lose some weight and the chances of a group of zombies sitting around in a coffee shop discussing how it feels to be different is minimal. (Although I understand the ones without limbs are looked down upon)

However each Zombie IS different and your chances of surviving a one on one confrontation with a zombie depends upon things like the age of the zombie.

Now usually the only things I like to be ripe are pears and bananas, but it is a whole different game when you are in a one on one situation with a zombie, fighting for your life.

The older the zombie, the better.



Zombies rot. They are dead. dead people rot. Now no-one likes to think about it but it happens. If I am going to hit a zombie I would quite like it if the sound I heard when I hit it was the sound of its head exploding like an over-ripe watermelon.





First generation Zombies.

Like a first generation iPod, the older zombies are going to be clunky and slow in comparison to the later models. If you are going to be chased down a street followed by a hungry zombie who thinks you look like lunch then pray to your god you are being chased by one of these bad boys. If their feet have rotted off then you may even be able to out-walk it. There is no need to be cocky about it though, many a brave film star has thought they had lost the following zombie that was chasing them, only to turn the corner to find they had walked into a zombie trap. Farewell movie star, you rocked, if only for the opening credits. Older zombies have the added feature of being very hungry. I mean model-like hunger. They don’t get a chance to sit around and chew the fat that often so you have to realise you look incredibly attractive in a non-sexual, edible, lunchy sort of way.

Boring run of the mill zombies

Just your average zombie, if you are going be the sort of person that gets eaten and turned into a zombie treat, then for Gods sake make it classy. There is nothing more boring than being dined upon by a zombie without a back story. It’s just a waste of a good life. You will be judged by me and found wanting. Being eaten by a nobody? Oh the shame. Let’s gather up some self respect and try to avoid the death by random zombie route.  This type of zombie is everywhere. They are the cockroaches of the zombie world, scuttling around eating everything and anyone they can find. You are purely just a means to an end for this type of zombie. Don’t feel special if you get dined upon by this zombie. They won’t send flowers afterwards and even if they tell you that you are their first, you aren’t. You are just part of a long line of pleasurable meals that Mr or Mrs Zombie has enjoyed. Like fast food you were filling for a while but soon as you are digested, they are hungry again. An Unhappy meal if you wish.



 Newbie Zombies

Zombies look like zombies, they are pretty easy to spot as well as smell. The personal hygiene of a zombie leaves a lot to be desired, but then, has there ever been a deodorant created that can mask the smell of rotting flesh? Most Zombies don’t need to wear a sign around their neck announcing their membership of the undead, there are certain characteristics that just give the game away visually, rotten skin, ambling gait, lack of communication skills and a bad odour. The comparison between zombies and teenagers is often made but it is rare teenagers develop a craving for human flesh, they are usually far more likely to go vegetarian. But do you really want to take that chance?

But Newbie Zombies or as yet unturned zombies are a whole new problem. You wouldn’t snuggle up with what you know is a flesh-munching creature, but how do you know that the person who you are depending upon to have your back won’t suddenly turn into a zombie and eat your back, front and face.

You don’t do you? And that is going to lead to a whole lot of trust issues in the future. You can’t all walk around naked to prove that you haven’t been bitten. That’s a whole other genre of zombie films I have yet to explore. 

Newly turned zombies also have the advantage of being relatively unrotted, so are fast on their feet and have all their own teeth “All the better to chew you with little girl” They are harder to kill as it seems they almost have a point to prove. Now unless there is a zombie point system that no-one has ever talked about I am sure this isn’t the case. But who wants to be the one to test this theory? Not I my friend. Newbie Zombies should be avoided wherever possible, give them a chance to ripen and rot up a bit before tackling them head on,



Zombie friends & family.

Ah, I’m sorry about this one. At some point in the zombie apocalypse, someone you know will try to eat you, It is all about the six degrees of separation, If it’s not a friend or family member then perhaps a friend of a friend. This always presents with some unneeded and totally unnecessary social awkwardness that comes with the words “Let’s do lunch” It goes without saying that they are now forever off your Christmas card list and perhaps a defriending on the Book of Face is required but do you have it in you to put them out of your misery? Perhaps if it is an ex then it may be a very easy decision to make to cave their head in with a spade but what if it is Grandma? No, not that one, the other one. It’s not so easy to do is it? Grandma on the other hand sees you as sustenance and nothing else, cave that crazy bitches head in, stat.

There is no space in this war for sentiment. If you don’t think you can be the sort of person who can take down a family member who wants to spread your liver on their toast, then you might as well start seasoning your skin now. Because the family will at some point be coming over for dinner and you are the first course, and possibly dessert.





Human shields

When the zombies start to first get all bitey and angry, take five minutes or so to take stock of what is happening and see how you can make the most of the pretty crappy situation you are in.  Not only can you take this time to gather up weapons but if we are being pragmatic about it, gather up some human shields.

Firstly, it goes without saying the fat people are essential to your plan. If you are going to be sprinting for your life with a pack of hungry zombies behind you, someone slower than you is always a must. And it is only common sense that if there is more of the person to love, I mean eat, it will take longer and fill up more zombies than if for example you threw them a skinny person.  Fat people are generally going to be slow, although if you are unlucky enough to pick one that is nimble you can always use them to block up windows or doors.  If you are looking at yourself now and thinking, whoops I’m currently a bit on the chunky side, consider this the best incentive to lose weight you will ever get. And I am sure that you will be able to raise a couple of quid by selling the story of your weight loss to the tabloids “I stopped eating so that I wouldn’t be eaten by zombies” Catchy huh?

Children

It may have worked for the dictators of the world but you won’t get far appealing to a zombies sense of family or make them stop attempting to chew on your leg by threatening bodily violence to a child. Perhaps dangling a child off a ledge would distract them for a while, but unless you are one of those hard-hearted people that can actually go through with dropping the child as casually as if you are feeding the dolphins then seriously what is the point? Karma is a bitch and the next time the dinner bell rings, it could be you being served up like a human sushi equivalent. No-one ever wants to be the person who threatens the safety of a child. Do it and you will be viewed as worse than the zombies on the threat level scale. Stop for a minute and think……….. are you the BADDIE here now?   All those zombies out there and in five minutes of madness you have set yourself up as public enemy number one! Bad news travels fast and while people will soon get used to being zombie lunch they will never get so jaded that they can’t fail to be pretty damn pissed off you’ve been using children as sacrifices. Next time you are in a sticky situation and need some back up, it won’t be arriving any time soon and once you have been overrun and eaten, don’t expect any kind words said at your grave, and if you turn into a zombie, expect a queue of people ready to put you out of your misery, slowly. Take my advice, stay away from the children. It won’t ever work out well for you.



Old people

Hmmmmmm, always  a difficult one, especially if they are cute and remind someone of their own grandparents (see cute children) but if they are fractious and annoying and smell of wee then sometimes you can be justified, especially if you make it look like an accident. But prepare to be pleasantly surprised. A lot of the older generation are stubborn as hell and are not going to roll over easily. On at least one occasion an old person will point out to you that they didn’t give in to the Nazis, they aren’t going to be giving in to some undead youth in a hoody with a craving for raw human, they may also have some insights into what caused the whole zombie uprising, “lack of discipline” will probably feature quite heavily in their reasoning, possibly followed by the view that it wouldn’t have happened in their day. They may well have a good point. The old persons flesh may be weak but the mind is still as cunning as ever. An older person may make an excellent addition to your team, and then when they are finally coming to the end of their natural life span. Throw em to the Zombies, it’s what they would have wanted. I promise.

Exes

Start sending out those emails and texts now, make sure you know where all the exes are for when you need them. I decree that it is positively encouraged to throw exes towards zombies. Well come on, we might as well get something positive out of the whole thing don’t you think? Call them up, tell them you need their protection from the big scary zombies, this works equally well whether you are male or female. Wrap yourself in their protective arms, and then push them into the mouth of the first zombie that looks at you with hungry eyes. It’s what you would want.

There are plenty of options around for the individual who likes the idea of putting a lot of flesh between themselves and the fast approaching zombie invasion. Human shields may sound like a harsh way of prolonging your own life but as humans we pretty much throw each other under the bus at every opportunity anyway, even when our life doesn’t depend on it. Stopping yourself from becoming Zombie pic and mix seems to be just the excuse humanity has been looking for. So crack on, there needs to be no guilt involved, especially if you parted on bad terms. How many of us have dreamt of feeding our evil exes to zombies and watching as they have their eyes sucked slowly from their skulls so that the zombies can drink their brains with a straw? Ok, that might just be me. Never mind, forget I mentioned it.



So this is pretty much as far as I got with my handbook, if you are still here reading I applaud your stamina.


Do you have any tips or tricks for everyone to avoid getting munched on by Zombies?


Let me know




Big Fashionista X X


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Monday, 28 May 2012

Short, round and around in shorts.



In case you have missed it this week there has been a huge ball of flame in the sky that has the ability to not only turn people bright red but also brings people out in a dark shade of JUDGE.

And neither are pretty.

I am overweight, (Size 18 if you were interested) and according to some people out there in social media la-la land I have a choice in the sunshine..........


I either cover myself up, or stay indoors, because for a lot of people out there, the mere presence of either me or other overweight people strolling around in the street like we own the place is enough to put them off eating altogether.

Well excuse ME, but if I want to waddle to Greggs for a pie or four then I bloody well will. Ok, so that might be a slight exaggeration (2 pies, MAX) but you get the general idea.

The mere THOUGHT of an overweight person walking around in shorts it seems is enough to send Twitter into meltdown. The sheer audacity of it.


"THERE ARE FAT PEOPLE IN SHORTS EVERYWHERE" I have heard people wail. It's alright love, it's not catching you know. If you brush up against me in the street you won't suddenly suffer an incubation period of about 2 weeks and then suddenly blow up like an angry puffer fish. Itn just doesn't work that way. (It took me bloody ages to get to this size and now you are worried you will catch it just by making eye contact with me? Cheek)

This is the deal, I am a size 18, if anything I am feeling the heat MORE than Miss Size 12 who is melting her arse off in her shorts so consider yourself lucky that I'm not considering stripping off completely. (last time I wore a bikini at the beach Greenpeace tried to tow me back into deep water)

I will wear what I damn well choose. Size 6,12,18,24,32 I seriously do not care what you wear to keep cool, so why on earth do people feel the need to judge others. If you want to wear shorts, wear them. I don't even care if you have Jedward patches on each butt cheek (I do, but I am trying reeeeeeeeallly hard not to)

And I will let you into a little secret. I strolled to the shop today in shorts that are too small for me (GASP) I had to use a hair bobble as a button extender.

AND I had slightly stubbly legs too.

If anyone has an issue with that, here is my number to let me know, it is 0800-I-DONT-GIVE-A.......


Wear what you want. When you want. How you want.


And if you are out there and of the opinion that people who are overweight should cover up because their size offends you?


Let me know, because I have ways of offending you that have nothing to do with my size.





Honestly, let me know.



Big Fashionista x x




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Friday, 25 May 2012

Nom or Vom



It's hot, we don't have time for a build up and let's be honest, most of you scroll past the words to see if I've managed to procure you a naked pic of the weeks Nom or Vom anyway so without further ado.


This weeks Nom or Vom


Ladies and Gentlemen



David Boreanaz



























(Did I make you all scroll for long enough?)


So, what do we think?


David Boreanaz?



Nom or Vom



Let me know



Big Fashionista x x x
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Thursday, 24 May 2012

Eurovision




It is Thursday night, I'm sweating like a Turkey on Christmas Eve and WHAT am I doing?

Watching the Eurovision Semi-Finals!!

These aren't even the finals! it is the SEMIS!

I am entranced, full of self-loathing and seriously debating what has happened to my life.



Yes I know, Eurovision is a joke. We don't win, in fact we are treated like the victims of playground bullying by the rest of Europe and their voting tactics. It is like being picked last for PE. We know it is going to happen but we play anyway. Hell we even pay for the bloody ball don't we?

But I know all of this and still I watch!! On Saturday night I will be dunking myself in the full on cheesefest that is Eurovision, and moaning when we come absolutely nowhere (My money is on Norway with their Adam Lambert lookalike)



How about you? Are you watching?


Will you be watching Saturday?


Let me know




Big Fashionista x x x
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Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Run Fat Girl Run




So today is the day. Tonight I will be jogging (crawling) 5K for The British Heart Foundation in Canary Wharf.

Why did I agree to do it?

(Because I'm STUPID?)

Well why not? I have flirted with running for a long time now. I am never going to be a runner, but I really enjoy moving my body (oooohhh-eerrrrrrr missus) and I want to be fit and healthy and find walking and jogging a great form of cheap exercise, if I can raise some money for a great charity then all the better.


The British Heart Foundation is a charity close to my families heart and I will always support them. I

f you would like to support me then I have set up a Just Giving Page

http://www.justgiving.com/BramptonFitClub


Even the smallest amount helps, (and makes me feel like I'm moving my fat arse for something other than just being a stubborn cow who should've said no)


I really would love your support, even if you can't donate, feel free to share this post, leave me a comment or tell someone about it.


I will let you know how I get on tomorrow.



Eeeeeeeeeek


Scared



(save me)



Big Fashionista x x

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Tuesday, 22 May 2012

The Leather Satchel Co



When I attended Cybher the other week, while I enjoyed talking to all the sponsors who were there I felt a huge draw towards The Leather Satchel Co who actually provided the special gifts for everyone who attended.

(If I'd have stayed at their station any longer they would have started counting the satchels)

I got chatting to the people behind the company and had a lovely chat with Keith who is one of the people in charge and I was really interested to hear more about the company.


In case you haven't heard of them, The Leather Satchel Co do exactly what they say on the tin.

Leather Satchels aren't a fashion accessory, they are an integral part of every wardrobe, Seasons and fashions change but at anytime you can feel comfortable and stylish and the thing about a really well made leather satchel like the ones made by The Leather Satchel Co is that they improve with age (um, unlike me. boo hoo)


I was genuinely interested in hearing more about the company (and licking the bags) and Keith very kindly agreed to me emailing him over the last week and answering any questions that I have.


What drew my attention (apart from all the pretty colours) is the fact that The Leather Co is a British family run business. I love seeing British companies making products that are something to be proud of.  And trust me when I say these bags are something to be proud of, the workmanship of these bags are second to none. (They certainly withstood all the drooling everyone was doing at Cybher)


The company was started in the 60s by Stephen Henshaw who travelled all over the world learning his craft and picking up new skills as he went. It was at the time of the World Cup in 1966 when he was asked to make a 1920's style satchel, he kept them on sale from that moment on. but only in two colour ways. It was later on that year that he was asked to produce a large number of satchels for a private school and it was this order that catapulted the company from a pavement and home based business into a Liverpool-based workshop with its own premises.


(See, this is interesting stuff isn't it? This is why I love companies with a history, it is much friendlier than faceless companies with boring generic products)


It was from this small beginning that The Leather Satchel Co began to grow in to the company that they are today, With 25 different colour leathers and bags in five different sizes The Leather Satchel Co can create artistry in satchel form in any way that you like. They also offer a bespoke service so that you can customise your satchel for your individual needs. (Like as in, I NEEEEEEEEEEED one)

Would you like to see some pictures?












Can you understand why so many people were drooling over these beautiful bags? Yes you can buy a satchel for less money on the high street but you won't be purchasing a hand-crafted, British-made high quality bag that will last for years OR comes with a FIVE YEAR guarantee like these bags do.


It isn't just a bag, it is an essential wardrobe STAPLE for gods sake.

I know, I've stroked them. (drooled on them) (ok, licked them)



Why not go and take a look for yourselves.

www.the.leathersatchel.co


and let me know what you think of these bags.


Do you own one?


Were you at Cybher and purchased your one there?


or are you looking to buy one in the near future?



Let me know



Big Fashionista x x x




Disclaimer; This is not a PR post, just a post showing genuine pride and support for a British company that is producing high quality, handcrafted products.


  
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Monday, 21 May 2012

I'm waving the flag, a white one.



Well either Britain is having a "How many flags can we raise all at once" competition or something is coming up which is meant to make us feel all patriotic.

And seeing as I didn't get forty press releases in my inbox last week about any flag competitions and sadly I am drowning in Jubilee crap, I am going with the patriotism angle.


Seriously, I get it, we are meant to be very very proud that our queen has not succumbed to a cold winter or starved to death in an NHS side ward. And truly I am proud that there is one OAP that our country hasn't let down. But I kind of think I am missing the point.



Jubilee junk.

OF COURSE.

Disclaimer; I am going to be celebrating the Jubilee, (Don't quite see why the kids need a day off school tho-Just sayin) It isn't the Jubilee I take offence at it is the way people try to make money off the back of it with cheap commemorative tat.



Is there a major event happening in the country? I have a great idea, let's stick a flag on it and call it a jubilee something or other....

Even Kingsmill are getting in on the act I hear, changing their name to Queensmill.
(I'm sure they will make some bread out of that................. I'll stop now)

I just don't understand why we have to go so overboard with the commerative crap. I am still reeling from the Wills & Kate condoms I (CAME ACROSS sounds wrong doesn't it?) stumbled upon when they were getting married.


I have seen Queen bobble heads, red white and blue M&Ms, toilet rolls with the Queens head on!!! (I shit you not :-D )

Is nothing safe?

What's next? White and blue tampons?  (think about it?)

Anything that has a surface, large or small is going to have a flag stamped on it and it is going to be rebranded as a Jubilee version. Screw it, I may as well rebrand myself as a Jubilee version (Still me but bluer-is that even possible?)

I'm sorry but sticking a flag on everything that doesn't move out of the way quick enough isn't going to make me ooze with patriotism and love for my queen, it is just going to make me hate everyone that little bit more and make me want to move to a small country without a flag.

Although the Jubilee people had better enjoy their time in the sun as soon as it is all over there will be a quick change around and everything is going to be rebranded for the Olympics!

I can't quite see how Kingsmill are going to swing that one can you?



So come on everyone, share with me the best or worst Jubilee commerative crap you have seen so far.

Who has pushed their rebranding to the limit?


and does anyone even know of a country without a flag? (or an Olympic team for that matter?)



Let me know



Big Fashionista x x


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Saturday, 19 May 2012

Eleven, A review



When I say hair-raising, I mean it in a good way. I'm a busy little blogger, Not only do I churn out some pretty awesome blog posts daily I am also a mum of three children who seem to think that my only role in life is to serve them. (sigh, don't they know I have Jeremy Kyle to watch?)

So for me hair cuts are pretty thin on the ground. When I was asked when I had last had my hair cut, they might as well have asked me when was the last time I had a dry weekend!!! I really couldn't remember.

So when I was asked if I would like to have my hair cut at Eleven Hair I have to admit I leapt at the opportunity. Eleven is nestled in the heart of the bustling hub of Oxford Circus just behind Bond St. When I looked at the website I was slightly concerned that it would be "cutting edge" and "so hip it hurts" but when I entered the salon I was immediately struck on how calm and friendly it is.

It was like a oasis of calm in a sandstorm.

My stylist Rebecca didn't even flinch when presented with my mop of hair and listened to me while I explained exactly what I wanted. she snipped, brushed, blow dried and left me with a style that is exactly what I wanted.

The whole ambience of the salon was fantastic. I was concerned that they would be very bang on trend being so close to Bond St but the whole feel of the salon was as if it was my local hairdressers who I had just popped into for a trim. Calm, friendly and extremely professional. it really was the WHOLE hairdressing experience.

Want to see some pictures?

Of course you do





My lovely stylist Rebecca,





This was the before shot. (Please excuse the wonky cleavage)




and after. LOOK, I have style!!!!!! I have swish and I look like I've just stepped out of a salon.





The view from behind.

Now this style transformation happened a couple of weeks ago and I am still finding it so easy to style. it just falls where it is meant to, which is perfect for a busy mum on the run who still wants to look good.

Eleven is a fabulous place to go, not for a one-off hair cut but regularly. it has a friendly vibe and I felt comfortable from the minute I walked through the door. My stylist Rebecca gave me some great advice regarding looking after my hair and I will hopefully be returning soon for a trim.


Eleven is at 11 Blenheim Street, Mayfair, W15 1LL

you can find out more information at www.eleven-hair.com


Take a look, I had a great time and I know you would too.


Have you been to Eleven?

What do you think of my transformation?


Let me know



Big Fashionista x x




Disclaimer, this hair cut was provided for review purposes by pr. Many thanks
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Friday, 18 May 2012

Nom or Vom



Hello Friday, my apologies again for lack of Nom or Vom last week. Real life got in the way (I know, shock horror. A REAL LIFE? Who knew)


So today has to be special doesn't it?

I will try my best.

Do you remember when you were at school and you doodled the surname of your favourite crush onto your school books along with your own name?


(Cue blank looks, Ok it MIGHT just have been me)


Well right now if I had a school book it would totally have "Kellie From The Script" on it.

(What do you mean from The Script isn't his surname? REALLY?)

Today I bring you Danny from The Script as this weeks Nom or Vom






















What's not to love here? He sings, he looks good. I would.


So the question, as always

Danny from The Script


Nom or Vom?



Let me know




Big Fashionista (from The Script)


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Thursday, 17 May 2012

Shit my iPhone does

Now I must admit, when I changed from a Blackberry to an iPhone I knew after ten minutes that I would never go back.

The clock of death? Battery pulls every 7 hours or the thing throws a bitch fit of epic proportions?

Yeah I don't miss that at all.

But when all those iPhone users out there were advising me to sell  my soul to Apple they neglected to mention just a few little issues........

Now as I don't like surprises that don't come in boxes and involve me saying, "For me? Oh you shouldn't have" I want to spare all of you out there that may be thinking about making the switch, the pain and suffering that I have experienced while making the transition from BB to iPhone.



Shit my iPhone does.


Firstly, be under no illusion, an iPhone sucks battery like a twenty quid hooker looking to make four hundred pounds in an hour.  Fast, efficient and you don't even notice it happening.

The battery of an iPhone is obviously powered by the blood of a Mayfly

It starts off the day on a high and by tea time it is DEAD. (If you are lucky) I charge mine up so often that sometimes it just walks itself to the charger and plugs itself in. (well it would if it had any battery left)

All that technology and no-one thought of making a battery that would last longer than a relationship on Made in Chelsea?  (Team Jamie btw)



I could go down the whole autocorrect route, but cancel my subcription coz I am SO over those issues. Autocorrect keeps me on my toes and stops me from just pressing send. (DOUBLE CHECK people, DOUBLE CHECK)

It is when it completely disregards words that SHOULD be in the dictionary and chooses to replace them with another word that makes no sense at all.


I'm sorry you are i'll, get better soon.

and what is with the iPhones stubborn refusal to admit that SO is even a word?

It SO is. I use it a LOT. So (SEE) stick it iPhone.


And what is it with the screen glare on an iPhone? Considering it has been raining since I got it I hadn't noticed.... A bit of sunshine today and the screen goes as shy as me in a swimming costume!!!! (painfully shy and difficult to look at)

One last thing that annoys me with an iPhone? it has illusions of being a teacher, that is the only explanation I can think of that it underlines things in red pen that it doesn't like. I sometimes expect it to grade my texts and the occasional phone call that I make on it.

(It dials as well, who knew computers could be so clever?)

So that is the shit that my iPhone does,

What else have I got to look forward to?

Apart from Siri being an absolute bitch who can never understand my accent unless I tell him I love him!!! (Another needy male in my life, great)


Let me know



Big Fashionista x x




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Wednesday, 16 May 2012

James Martin talks Mushrooms







See that James Martin? He's a fun guy............ (Fungi? Fungi? Gets coat) and he is on a one man mission to get us to all eat more mushrooms, (the minute they make wine out of them James, I will be on it like a tramp on a sandwich, I promise)

Now mushrooms aren't that sexy, but roll them in James Martin and I start to see the attraction. So if James is cooking them then I am loving them.

We watched drooling while James cooked mushroom soup, pork with a creamy mushroom sauce and mushroom and chicken livers on toast as well as a cheeky mushroom omelette. (The drooling was at the food, honest)







I have to admit that I do like mushrooms, and I was quite surprised to learn that I have been over cooking the poor little buggers for years. James (first name terms, POW take that)  advised that they only need to be cooked for a very short in a very hot pan until they are golden.  See, you learn something new every day.

(I also learnt that I do NOT like chicken livers, and that sometimes spitting isn't possible and you just have to swallow- this is all one observation by the way, in case someones mind is wandering)


Overall it was a really great day and I learnt a lot of great things about mushrooms. As I am not really a food blogger I won't be posting the six new ways of cooking with mushrooms here but let me give you the link www.moretomushrooms.com Go take a look for recipes such as pork escalopes with mushrooms juniper and mash, Chicken and mushroom pie and Mushroom soup.


I've tried them and they are definitely worth whipping up.



What do you think?

Is James Martin a fun guy?


Does anyone know where my other hand was resting in the top pic?


How jealous are you that I cuddled James Martin?


Do you like mushrooms?



Let me know



Big Fashionista x x




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Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Talking bol***ks




I have a skin tag under my arm which is basically annoying the frick out of me at the moment and I started to wonder,

How the hell do men cope with testicles? (See what happens when my mind is allowed to wonder off unsupervised)

Now this skin tag is very little, it doesn't swing around (minute it does I'm off to the Dr) and thankfully it isn't hairy. (erm, I'm not painting a good picture here am I?)

and yet it is bothering me constantly by catching on things and rubbing.

It isn't often I have sympathy for the fellas but I think this time I am going to have to pat you on the back (not on the balls) and applaud you for your patience and um, ball handling skills.


I have to admit that when I think of men wearing Y-fronts it never really conjures up a sexy look does it. (Unless you are Mr Beckham, don't even attempt it fellas) But I do get it now.

Y-fronts are simply ball bras aren't they?


Just a clever way from stopping you sitting on your own testicles. (Trust me, without a bra I have similar issues :-(   )

Although testicles are basically a design flaw aren't they? I get that they should be further away from the body so that the sperm doesn't overheat and all that, but why then put them in a place where you can A, sit on them, B, accidently squash them while walking or C trap them in a zip.

My apologies to my male followers who are currently crossing their legs (carefully I hope) and have a tear in their eye.

Wouldn't it have been better to put them somewhere safer? Like the middle of your back, or perhaps nestled under an armpit so that you could keep them safe. Dangling around as they do is just asking for trouble isn't it?

If I was a guy I would be wearing a protective cup constantly so that I didn't do them any damage. (I'd also write my name against a wall but that is another story for another time) or I would walk around cupping them protectively with my hands screaming get back, get back, to anyone who dared to walk within three feet of my balls.

Men I applaud you, how there aren't more of you out there with one missing through injury I really don't know.

When I go to the Doctor about getting my skin tag removed is anyone interested in me finding out about a group discount?

Let me know.

Oh and men, what sort of damage have you done to your soldiers in the past, let me know.



Big Fashionista x x



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Monday, 14 May 2012

Cybher 2012. My thoughts



I have never been shy about the fact that I am EXTREMELY shy. I mean I can projectile vomit at the mere thought of being in a room with people that I don't know (I will leave you with that touching imagery to do what you will)

But recently I have made the conscious decision to get myself out there and actually meet people. My blog has turned two this month and I can either carry on as I am or really make the most of doing something that I love.

So I agreed to speak at Cybher UK.

Now if you follow me on Twitter you will know that I have a habit of, how can I put it (chatting shit?) oversharing.

So I have been very vocal over the last couple of weeks about how nervous I was about doing this. (cacking myself I think is how I so succinctly put it in one tweet)


But from the minute I walked into 8 Northumberland Ave on Saturday I had a huge smile on my face.

(A leather satchel will do that to a girl)

We all signed in and I was happy to see that we were all given name badges not only with our blog names on but also our Twitter names. Brilliant idea, (Some of you ladies have awesome boobs by the way)

Everywhere I looked there were ladies in exactly the same boat as me. (stroking their satchels going they are soooooooooo pretty)

The venue was perfect for a convention, there was a central area for coffee, tea and meeting the great companies that were there such as Thinking Slimmer, The Leather Satchel Co and Palmers UK and then four different rooms where all the different talks would be held.

We all met in the ballroom to listen to the opening talk together, which I must admit a lot of which went straight over my head. But hey that is the whole point of a day like this isn't it? To learn.

Then for the rest of this incredible well organised day it was a smorgasbord of different experiences and talks that catered for everyone. If you wanted to learn about Podcasts you could go and listen to The High Tea, Portrait photography was the lovely Mario and if you wanted a casual laugh and some informal questions then you could have come to the Ask A Blogger session with myself, the lovely Tara Cain and Louise from Sprinkle of Glitter.

What I really liked about Cybher were the  breaks in between each session where you had a chance to meet lots of other bloggers. (Not as scary as I though it would be) I managed to put lots of faces to names and I didn't scare anyone off (I don't think) with inane chatter. (or vomit, always a plus)

What did I learn at Cybher?

I learnt that I have a LOT to learn.

In a way I think I am quite naive about blogging. I truly do it for the love of the writing. Of course if someone wants to pay me to write I'm not going to wring my hands at them and bleat about my integrity (I want to buy a satchel) but for me I think I have spent the last two years just floating and writing and I need to work out what I want to do.

I panicked about not having a niche for a while but I think I am my niche. my voice is my niche and that will never change or be diluted for anyone. (LIES, I'm open to negotiation.... I jest)

Another thing that I have learnt this weekend is that I LOVE to talk. I really enjoyed my session at Cybher and could have stood there for longer, I learnt as much from the other ladies on the panel as I hope the people in the audience did.

And most importantly I learnt at Cybher to have faith in myself. we come from all different walks of life and approach blogging in different ways and with different results but whether we were there to speak, to learn or just to be social and meet up with like-minded people we ALL took away from Cybher something that we can use.

And I think I have discovered that I can do anything I put my mind to.


and THAT is a damn good thing to learn.



Were YOU at Cybher or did you follow the hashtags on Twitter?

What did you take from the experience? Has it changed how you look at blogging at all?


Let me know


I'd love to hear your thoughts



Big Fashionista x x

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Sunday, 13 May 2012

Who has talent?



A wise man once wrote,


I say Britain,
you say talent
Britains got talent
It's the DJ Talent


(Whatever happened to him anyway?)


You guessed it, last night was the final of Britain's Got Talent and unlike in the recent Local Elections people were listening closely and weighing up their voting options.

Social Media was alight and there was more outrage than an episode of Question Time.


A DOG!!!!!!!!

A BLOODY DOG!!!!!!!


A dog has been voted Britains most talented? Oh my DAYS, How will we survive? Surely the world will now stop spinning on its axis and the dawn of a new ice age is upon us?


This is the thing, as with all the great TV reality shows. The only reality that we see is what we are allowed to see.

I could go on for hours about Camera angles, stories in the papers being released at just the right times, the order they go on the stage. even how they show the contestants performance in the round up.....

But we KNOW all that, we do. We just choose to ignore the fact that we are just along for the ride and as voters or even just innocent bystanders we are being taken on a "JOURNEY" ourselves to where we are needed to be. (Led around by the nose if I'm being impolite)

I don't fight it any more.


I  just roll with it, it's easier that way.


And much better for my blood pressure.


But now it is over and there is also no Take Me Out for me to sneer at while loving secretly!

How will I survive?


TOWIE you say?

Tonight you say?


I will be on that like a tramp on chips.

Thats reality tv right?

Right?



Am I being cynical?

Is Uncle Cowell just a generous benefactor who is in it just to find new talent?

Will Arg and Gemma EVER get together?


Let me know


Big Fashionista
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Friday, 11 May 2012

Nom or Vom (sort of)

I PROMISE that Nom or Vom is coming up this afternoon. I am just extremely busy trying to get ready to speak at Cybher tomorrow and as I have nothing to wear that has to come first. Usually when you do a talk you imagine the audience naked, no-one wants it to actually be ME naked. So Nom or Vom will be up this afternoon, I think I know who it is going to be but if you have any requests, leave them below. Big Fashionista x x
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Thursday, 10 May 2012

He kissed a girl and he liked it




Dear Men of the world,


Today I am imparting some wise advice, grab a chair, scratch your balls and PAY ATTENTION.


Yesterday the Metro reported on a twat man who was begging for his girlfriends forgiveness by standing outside his beloved Arsenal football ground while wearing a Tottenham shirt.


Now allegedly he had gone to a party and kissed another girl and this was his way of trying to get her to accept his apology.

Mate, STOP


Firstly Arsenal? Really? Dude why?

(Sorry, I digress)


Firstly, Sweetheart I wouldn't forgive you for kissing another girl at a party even if you stood outside Arsenal wearing HER skin as a shirt and her intestines as a bow tie.

Secondly, Mate, say it with FLOWERS!!!! FFS, why do you think flowers are sold? So blokes can buy them to apologise with.

She may not accept them, she may throw them in your face (This is why I never recommend roses, scratched corneas are never attractive) but buy them anyway.


As a football fan I can understand what you were trying to do. You have messed up with your girlfriend and the thing that you think would humiliate and embarrass you the most is something that would hurt YOU. ie the Tottenham shirt.


But MEN of the world this is where you fall down, This guy Luke McQueen was once more thinking about HIMSELF.  (A bit like when he tripped and fell open mouthed on another womans face) If he thinks any woman would think of this as a romantic gesture, well he doesn't know women at all does he.


I'm a huge football fan, If this was my boyfriend I would question his morals EVEN more after this.

Your football team is your FIRST true love. If you can betray THAT and wear a rivals team shirt then snogging another bird is nothing, Hell you probably make jumpers out of kittens and shoes out of baby skin.

THAT IS HOW LITTLE I THINK OF THIS GUY.

I don't actually know what offends me more,

The fact he kissed another woman

or wore the team colours of his bitter rivals.

(It's a close call I admit)


Men, if you do something wrong. Say sorry, then if the woman wants you to do something ridiculous to prove how sorry you are. Roll with that.

Don't make the massive gesture that you THINK she will want.



You only make yourself look like a twat.


Mr McQueen, I don't know if your girlfriend has forgiven you.

I know I wouldn't.


Would YOU forgive him for wearing a Tottenham shirt?

I mean kissing another woman and THEN wearing a Tottenham shirt.


Let me know.


And football fans, what would you have had to have done to make you wear a rival shirt?


Let me know


Big Fashionista x x


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Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Packed Munch



So today I drew the short straw (or stepped on the teachers kitten or something equally horrific)

I feel as if Karma has ran up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder, kissed me on the cheek and then bit me fully on the arse.

WHAT, I hear you ask can I be doing today that is so so bad?

I'm helping out on a school trip.......................

with a class of 5 year old devil spawns. (You know, perhaps I am not suitable child accompanying material after all)


Oh god knows why I agreed to do it, (in fact I may have volunteered) I think the painkillers must have been fully absorbed or I had a full belly (of wine maybe) but when I was asked if I was available, I said I WAS!!!!!! (and this is why I need a responsible adult with me at all times)

Now it seems I cannot get out of this school trip.  Did I mention we are exploring transport, there will be a trip on a bus, a train and the Thames Clipper (It is going to have to be an Instagram kind of day) so instead I am just going to have to make the most of it.

and for me this can only mean one thing.

(Not hide and seek on the tube, that gets a bit messy-especially when you hide OFF the train)

PACKED LUNCH.

I'm not even kidding, I do love a packed lunch. I am just a small child. I am even going to be stealing my eldest daughters packed lunch box to put it into. (Hello Kitty in case you were wondering)


(Quick question, would it be wrong to decant wine into a Ribena carton? I won't use the straw-I'm not a tramp)

Ok, ok, so the wine is not an option.

Breezer? (They are fruit based aren't they?)


In my packed munch box today I have Valium  French stick with pate, Olives with feta and garlic, a toffee sundae and NO FRUIT!!! 

My packed lunch box ROCKS.


I swear I never had it this good when I was at school.
I am going to be the envy of a shit load of five year olds with a sandwich and an apple (including my own child-oh well, thems the breaks kid)


Surely there has to be perks to going on a school trip and for me packed lunch is it.




What would you have in your packed lunch?


and if you see a 5 year old in tears. Hold on to them. I may be winning at hide and seek again.




Big Fashionista x x


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Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Bloggers Block



It's true, I'm blocked.


Blocked up harder than my toilet that one ti..................... (I'll leave that there)

I've sat here for hours just staring at a blank screen while watching BGT and even Corrie. (bad times)  I've read the papers, I've painted my nails (Twice) and yet I still can't think of anything to write about.


I could blog about nails and all the different nail art I have been doing lately but I think that there are a lot of fabulous nail bloggers out there that can show you how to do it so much better than I can so I'm going to leave it to the professionals.

I AM going to be blogging about my stunning haircut that I had at Eleven last week I just need to transfer the pics to my laptop.


I will be bringing you a review of a pillow sometime this week too. I just can't seem to find the words to describe it.


So I am STUCK.


I need a footballer to trip and fall with his cock out onto a prostitute or something so that I can sneer at him in print.

Or a large company to do something ridiculously stupid so that I can bring it to your attention and we can all laugh together.


But they haven't. So I am floundering.

(Stupid non-tripping non-cock-out footballers)

What I won't do is not write, so if to get over my Bloggers Block I have to write about Bloggers Block-So be it.


Just leave me some words of encouragement below so that I don't feel totally crap and have tumbleweed rolling through my comments section.



Please.




Big Fashionista






Oooooooooooooh, I think I know what I'm going to write about tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!



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Friday, 4 May 2012

Birthday Nom or Vom





So today my blog turns TWO!!!!!!!!!!




Usually I'd say now would be the time to watch out for tantrums and tears, but lets be honest, I've been rocking that look for the last two years and see no reason to change.


I was SO happy that my blog birthday fell on a Friday because Nom or Vom is possibly one of my favourite days of the week for posts.

(Don't even try to argue, you know you love it)


Whereas usually I ask for peoples suggestions for Fridays Nom or Vom today, as it is my BIRTHDAY (and no bugger sent flowers) I thought I would pick a smorgasbord of previous Nom or Voms to spread themselves across my page so that I can lick the screen without having to avoid the ones I don't like.



So without further ado let me introduce you to my favourite Nom or Voms from the last two years.


Enjoy


















Jesus, anyone would think it was YOUR birthday!!!!!!!!!!!


Did I forget to inform you of the near nakedness rule of todays offerings?
(whoops, sorry about that)


Thank you to EVERYONE who has read, commented or followed my blog over these last two years, it really does mean a lot to me.



THANK YOU.


wanders off to find cake.




Big Fashionista x x
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