Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Pregnancy Safety Advice? I Say Avoid Stupid Advice.

Since WHEN were women just incubators for the next generation?

Pregnant women not only have to put up with becoming a 'host' for their offspring, having the life slowly drained from them for nine months until they expel the aforementioned second coming from their vagina (I didn't really enjoy being pregnant, can you tell?) but now we are being warned in an almost doomsday sort of way about things that we must avoid.

SOME, are valid advice. But others are designed purely to remind women that we are just there to deliver a child and then we might as well just die. Ok, so maybe I exaggerate slightly but you get my drift.

Alcohol, cigarettes, yes, they are all bad for you while pregnant, but most women understand that anyway, but Cosmetics? Shower Gel? Tinned food?

Oh get the fuck away from me with your meddling ways, I DARE you to have tried to take my lipstick away from me while I was pregnant, I looked like a Sumo wrestler called Bob, I couldn't sleep, I ached, and quite frankly I felt about as attractive as a naked Donald Trump, (Except I had more hair on my legs than he has real hair on his head) When I could gather up the strength to lift my head from the pile of tinned food I was eating, (See, I make a shit incubator) to look in the mirror, a little bit of lipstick, while not being a miracle worker was just a little bit of comfort to me. Now tell me I can't wear lipstick when I am pregnant, or MOISTURISE!!

I couldn't moisturise? In case it does WHAT exactly? Tell me what harm a moisturiser would do to a foetus?

What else aren't pregnant women meant to do?


Paint walls

Oh hang on, I am slowly starting to see a benefit here.


Ladies, if you are with foal, let me give you the one bit of advice that I hope you heed. The best thing to avoid during your 9 month imprisonment (Yeah, I really didn't enjoy pregnancy) is........

(The cock that did that to you in the first place is a great place to start) 


You know what is right for you and baby. You know what to eat, drink, wear and clean.

Although if you want to avoid doing any cleaning and tidying for the whole nine months, there will be plenty of scaremongering stories on the internet that you can use to back up your case.

What do we think?

Should women be made to feel as if they are just a host?

Are there too many scaremongering stories out there to worry parents-to-be?

Or should all mums-to-be just wrap themselves in cotton-wool (If that is even allowed) and stay in a box for 9 months?

Let me know.

Big Fashionista x x



  1. I heard if you moisturised when pregnant your baby came out so soft it literally cried cotton wool balls.

  2. 9 weeks into my 40 week sentance, and I cannot believe the horror stories that swirl round. They might as well just say, "Don't do anything as even breathing would harm baby". I know my body it's capable of a lot and I'll do what the hell I want esp. if it makes me feel one part human during this pregnancy!

  3. Beyond the ideal of not smoking or drinking alcohol while pregnant, there isn't anything else that I can think of that I would stay clear of. We aren't incubators, we are people who are perfectly capable of carrying on with a normal life, we just have a little added extra to us.

  4. Yet again another science story is being poorly reported. If the media agencies actually gave the author Michelle Bellingham a chance to answer questions instead of reading statuses from twitter and facebook we might get a better understanding. From what I gather this research isn't telling women what to avoid completely. It is a resource for health professionals so that if a mum to be reads a scare story in a paper e.g. Daily Mail and asks her midwife questions then they can give their patients the correct information and then allow women to make their own decisions about what to avoid. I was told to avoid running when I was pregnant but I chose not to, but if I'd been presented with evidence about running then I might have made a different decision. I really feel for the author who is a mother herself. I think she started this research from a good place, aiming to empower through knowledge and choice. I don't think this was her aim.

  5. ahhhhhhh they kill you. my SIL just delivered & we belong to a traditional Hindu family. the amount of shit they told her (and me for future) was just beyond anything.

    I wanna hug you!!!

  6. I think I might print this off and show people who keep treating me like an imbecile who doesn't know what she's doing.
    they don't offer advice they shove it down your throat i.e dont do too many pelvic floor exercises or the baby wont be able to come out- most ridiculous one so far!

    apparently everyone else knows better, some people even think that because they've already had children that automatically ordains them into becoming midwives / baby gurus themselves..

    I want them to realise I'm pregnant not disabled and although I can't go skiing or sky jumping I can still do most of what I did before!

    rant over,, great blog :-)

  7. This made me so mad, the next thing they will be saying is that pregnant ladies should stay in the house and never leave for 9 months. Ridiculous. I moisturised, used scented shower gel, even ate rare steak and had the odd tipple or 2 while pregnant *gasp* and guess what my son is a perfectly healthy and very happy 1 year old!

    Hels XX

  8. I didnt know I was pregnant until I was 4months, yes, I had a bit of a pot belly but I thought I was putting on weight so I stuffed my face into another pie.

    Yes I was still doing all the things I shouldnt until that time, going out, drinking lots, smoking like a chimney, eating pate and seafood....I didnt know! When she arrived 4 weeks early 7lbs 1oz and 21 years later is now 5'8

    I remember being signed off work for a week to put my feet up, so I did, the went up a ladder to paint the bedroom :-))

  9. This coming from someone who hasn't been pregnant, I think its completely daft! I mean surely women have been popping them out for literally forever, well as long as humans have been around. Ok yeah their was a high infant mortality, but that was mainly due to living conditions and nutrition, not if women had beetles blood on their lips!


  10. Dear Kellie,

    I fucking love you and your rants.

    Love Ella x

    PS: Bitch :p

  11. i was a terrible incubator, ate curry every day for baby one, smoked, drank and threw up every time i did both. worked (on my feet all day) until the day before the birth, whilst decorating the whole house. dyed my hair throughout and worked with chemicals every single day as well. ate liver, ALL cheeses (i love cheese) and am now the proud mother of two of the tallest, strongest, brightest loveliest young adults i know....shame about the seven toes tho

  12. well, thank god they've finally found all this stuff out! coz us women have been doing such a bad job for so long of populating the world. maybe now we can successfully breed.
    *eye rolling sigh*

  13. Do you know what else you should avoid? Living with your mother!!! I have just about had it up to here with 'when I was pregnant with you I ran marathons and shit gold bullion' (slight exaggeration).

    I have to admit, I've followed all of the food avoidance advice as best I can and I'm beginning to get really grumpy with it. I want 99 ice cream with a MacDonalds milkshake and a bloody steak and I want them now! But there is no way, no way whatsoever, that I'm going to stop using my favourite sweet lemon shower gel, my moisturizer or stop slathering my face in make-up to try and make myself look more human. I have bags under my eyes bigger than my luggage to Florida ffs - they need hiding!


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