Thursday, 13 June 2013

The Devil's Carriages or Buses, If You Prefer.

Yesterday was rather traumatic, (No I didn't lose my eyeliner, and that would be slightly more traumatic for you lot rather than me) 

Long term readers of both this blog and my Twitter feed know that me and buses are not a match made in heaven, in fact, it is my opinion that buses are only painted red so that they don't clash with hell, which is from whence they came. Buses are truly the work of the Devil, not only that but passengers are devil minions.

I can just about handle the bus, IF it is empty. put one other person on that bus and not only will they come and sit on the seat right next to me but they will then decide that I look like a really nice person to spill their life story to. (I'm not) 

But yesterday took the carrot stick, (yes, I know it should be biscuit but I am on a diet)

There I am sitting on the seat that is just past the exit door, minding my own business. (trying not to strangle random strangers and growling at people who even looked as though they wanted to sit next to me on the half empty bus) when suddenly from the raised seat behind me a man sneezed.

And then, my neck felt wet. 

Have you ever been so paralysed with fear that you worry that soon your lungs will freeze up and you will die?

I was too scared to touch my neck, in fact part of me was hoping that it was my own blood, possibly from a hole in my skull or something equally as gruesome, which would still me better in my eyes than the gift of mucus. (If I catch a cold, will it count as the gift that keeps on giving?) I sat there, unable to move, staring straight ahead, no-one rushed to my aid, or enquired whether I needed an ambulance (Or some bleach) I didn't even turn my head to punch the man in the face in case it resulted in mucus smearage. I just sat quietly still on the bus in what felt like post traumatic shock.


What sort of person sneezes on another person? Is it the same person that always seems to get on the bus eating chips when I am hungry? (Justifiable homicide, no court in the land will convict me) or the person who decides to play their shit music at full volume? (At least play something I can dance along to dude) Do they all wait until I decide to take a bus and then coordinate their attack? I swear, it is enough to make me paranoid. Throw in an old lady who smells of wee, a group of school children on a school trip and a couple having a row and you have a full house.... I mean bus.

I just cannot deal with this level of people all at once, I can understand why you used to be allowed to smoke on buses, to deal with the journey itself.

But alas, although I like to think of myself as a princess, I am not, I know, it was a hard lesson to learn, one I think I am still digesting. (along with that carrot stick) but seeing as I am not going to be able to afford a chauffeur any time soon I need your help and advice on how to make my journeys less........tiresome.

What do you do on the bus?

Are you the sneezing, chip-eating, urine soaked, shit song playing passenger of my nightmares?

Let me know.

Big Fashionista x x x



  1. I'm the random hairy bloke in a battered leather and cut down willing the buss to hurry up and get to the stop I want

  2. Oh god, that sounds like my worst nightmare! I put my headphones in very loudly and give death stares to all who look at me!

  3. You should use the phrase 'I will cut you' a lot more. It may even need to be pre-emptive!

    Bus Wanker

    1. Ha ha ha Ella I knew someone would call me a bus Wanker.

  4. How did you not punch him?!

    I don't do buses, more a train girl, but we have the same devils minions. I once ripped someone's newspaper in half as it was pissing me off how they kept shoving it under my nose, they obviously wanted me to do it. It was VERY satisfying!

  5. Ha, that made me LOL and actually snort...not snot!

  6. Yuk. I don't recall the last time I took the bus, and I'm not exactly looking forward to the next time I have to, after hearing this.

  7. That is *almost* the most disturbing bus story I've ever heard. THE most disturbing bus story took place in broad daylight, Liverpool on the back of the top deck where my friends saw what appeared to be a homeless man (more likely a smacked up smack head) giving himself a seeing to whilst looking out of the window.

    Other than that, my worst experience was having an entire bottle of ribena thrown over me by a small child that was juggered (real word I promise) as the bus braked. The parent didn't even say sorry! I was not impressed.

    I'm the innocent looking girl in the flowery dress, dreamily looking out of the window, not disturbing anyone in the world whilst I call everyone in my phonebook and talk to them for the duration of my journey...

  8. UGGGGHH. I don't use buses any more. I'm a bus snob. I used them for years when I was younger & lived in a city, the worst three I can think of were when the man with the open head wound sat next to me and I thought I was going to get hepatitis if he dripped on me, the time the token oddball sat next to me talking about how 'they' were all out to get us and the bus driver was watching him, and the time the girl played the greatest hits of the 80s very loudly on her walkman beside me. I'm all for a bit of Cher but THREE FUCKING HOURS, CHANGE THE TAPE.

    I'm the one sitting as near to the door as I can get, pretending to text, silently hoping that nobody sits close enough to rub off my leg.

  9. I'm a bus/coach driver and I have actually had someone full on puke down my back while I was driving. Top that.

  10. I'm the girl taking pictures of the freaks, look-a-likes and zombies then posting them on twitter. Or at least I was before I had a buggy now I'm sat at the front sad that I'll get cought taking pics if I try from there!

  11. I am the person who gets on, sits down and puts my bag next to me so no one bothers me unless its very busy. I'll listen to my music at a suitable level and get off at my stop. Minimum interaction.

    Although these days I just walk everywhere unless it's a long journey.

  12. Yup, minimum interaction and eye contact. I'm the "leave me the f**k alone and let me listen to my music" type of passenger :)

  13. That is bloody awful and so sorry to hear that! I think public transport in general is pretty dire. I was verbally attacked and threatened by 5 teenage boys a month ago the minute I got in the tube. At least get to know me first...Safety tip for those who ride tubes. Never get in at the edges of train, stay in center so you have room to move away. Told to me by transport police.

  14. I'm the one that sits and hopes no one will come and sit next to me. Worst bus experience was in London on the bus home from Oxford Street. A man next to me had a couple of bags from Ann Summers. He opened the bags, took all of his 'gadgets' (I'll leave it at that, don't know how young your readers are!) out of the boxes, and dumped all of the boxes on the floor of the bus then got up and got off the bus. Weird to say the least!

  15. God I feel your pain I was once on a bus when someone coughed up something and then wiped it all over the pole as he was getting off the bus I was nearly sick I always carry hand sanistiser and try to carry anti bac wipes I hate public transport and people that smell are my biggest bugbear - whyy????

  16. Firstly, ewwww!

    I’m the extreme introvert on the bus, who, if there is not a single “don’t sit next to me people” seat on the bus (just behind the driver), tends to stand, or sit in the back and stare out of the window begging for the traffic to move.

    Apart from the sneezing, I’ve had all of the described bus experiences, plus I was once shouted and sworn at for the whole 20 minute journey by a little old lady.


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