Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Are You Ok?


Are You OK?

Three little words that reach out, they can stretch for miles. 

They aren't much but people can hold onto those words like a drowning man holds onto a lifebelt. 

And sometimes those words are a lifebelt. 

You never know. 

I sometimes liken Social Media to a selfie. Most people never post up awful pictures of themselves, in the same way that some people will never show how bad they are feeling, the clues are in what they are not saying. 

Are You OK?

Some people can be open in the way that they feel. My good friend Sera posted yesterday about her experiences with the lie I'm Ok. you can read her post here. 


Some people shy away, there is no right or wrong with depression, depression is an illness that affects everyone differently. 

But show someone that you care. ask them if they are ok. Take a minute to answer that tweeter who tweets out they feel useless, speak to a relative who you haven't spoken to in a while, or that friend who sometimes you feel as if they are always moaning. Ask them

Are You OK?

We can't save everyone, this has been shown to me in the most painful way possible in the last week. but we can be there, you can be there. 

If you are feeling low, talk to someone, if someone asks you, Are you ok? Be as honest as you can be. Open up in whatever small way you can. even just saying no, can be the breakthrough. 


Talk to someone, anyone. I will link to my post with helpline numbers here. YOU ARE NOT ALONE


And I am switching back on the ability to comment anonymously for when I ask you now........


Are You OK?


Let me know.


Much love, 

Big Fashionista x x x

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69 comments

  1. Im ok. Its been a sh*! Day. Discussing rape and violent abuse with my psychotherapist... Was never going to be a good day. Im kinda afraid to go to bed. Waiting for the nightmares. Am i ok?

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    1. I think you are doing what you have to do to be ok. Xxxx always here for you.

      Delete
  2. Thank you for this. Next when someone asks if I'm ok I going to try and be more honest especially with my family because right now I'm far from it and saying yes to 'are you ok' is very easy.

    Also thanks for linking back to your past post with the number just in case.

    xx

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    Replies
    1. You should check out Sera's post. You aren't alone. Always around if you want a chat.

      Delete
  3. I am not okay. But I will be.

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  4. I'm not ok, in the space of 2 weeks 5 people I know have died, my nans broken her pelvis and her termial cancer is spreading, my health as gone to pot and I have no idea what I'm gonna do with my life. Seeing as walking out the front door is getting impossiable. Ill be ok one day. I hope.

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    1. Oh Catherine, sorry to hear that. My door is always open for a chat. Any time, day or night. I hope you have support?

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    2. Not good Catherine. Sending virtual *hugs* as support. Wish i could say something more useful. X

      Delete
  5. I'm not ok, lately. But I keep telling myself i will be.

    I thought i was, things are not particularly bad. I have a partner that loves me, gorgeous dogs that adore me, I'm even feeling better health-wise and becoming more active. However, somedays loneliness, and insecurity takes over so badly. Sometimes I don't know if I love my partner, if I'm even capable of loving anyone. I wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone else. Many times he has been told by others that he would be happier without me, and i wonder whether they were right.
    Tonight i organised date night with my partner, as something we must do every week, even if we have little money. Hopefully it will bring us closer, make us laugh more, help us with our loneliness.

    My family have deserted me. They were never really there for me anyway, but this last year has been an eye opener. It has made me grow, and to a certain extent, i think its making me a better person.

    I keep saying im ok, but more and more i want to scream. I'm almost 35 and still haven't found a place i can call home, a job i can do without feeling like wanting to jump out of the window. I realised that i was turning 35 this morning, and had to stop thinking for fear of having a panic attack. I feel very, very worthless.

    I didnt have the easiest of childhoods. I understand that psychological and physical abuse are things that mark you and that are not your fault. I love myself more than I used to do, I used to be so mean to myself. I just wished i had friends here, I wished i laughed more.

    I'm trying, I really am, to be better. I have some dreams, I keep dreaming. Sorry for the rant. I have no one to talk to here, apart from my therapist and she is on holiday, so yeah, Kelly, but you did ask ;)

    I love having you on Twitter, Kelly, and you do have some brilliant followers too xx

    J.

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    Replies
    1. Never apologise, that's what this post is here for. Maybe one day you can come back to this post and see how far you've come? If you follow me on twitter, you can always DM me. And I think date night is a great idea. Some things are worth working at.xxx

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    2. I have those feelings sometimes and they are so hard to escape. I think focusing on the good in your life definitely helps you move past this and think about how our minds can play tricks with our thoughts. x

      Delete
  6. Since moving in with his father last year my teenage boy has completely cut me out of his life with no more explination than 'your a bit boring'. I know that people judge me, if a child doesn't want anything to do with their mother then there must be something wrong with rhe way she cared for the child. I dont know what I did wrong or should have done that I didn't. It hurts.

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    Replies
    1. Give it time. Maybe it's just a phase, maybe he just needs to feel what it is to not have you around to appreciate you. whatever time it takes, dont beat yourself up. People judge even if your life seems completely perfect. Dont bother yourself with what other people may or may not think. Continue living your life, focus on doing what makes you feel good, and the rest will fall into place.

      It must hurt like hell, and no one knows that better than you do, but it will get better.

      Delete
    2. Being a parent is a thankless task isn't it? You haven't done anything wrong, your son is asserting his independence, which is painful but maybe look at it as you have raised a boy to become a man. You seem like the sort of person whose door will remain open for your son, and when he realises his error, and he will, I'm sure you will be there and learn more about each other.

      I hope it all goes well.

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    3. I just wanted to say that I used to do this to my mum. I wouldn't speak to her for weeks. I'd insult her horribly. Now I look back and wonder how I was ever so cruel. I think it must have been hormones - I think 14 and 18 were my worst ages. Please don't hurt over your son. It's a very selfish age - I was there only 5 years ago and I feel SO bad about how I treated my mama. xx

      Delete
  7. It will be okay Catherine, Take small steps, talk to people and get all the help and sipport that you xan and slowly it will get better xx

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  8. I read this in the small hours when I couldn't sleep. And no I'm not ok.
    I am blessed/lucky call it what you will with so much in my life. Health, family, friends. A job, a place to live. I'm not fleeing persecution. I'm free to speak up about my beliefs and opinions. There isn't anything so desperately bad.
    But a close friendship that matter to me has ended. I have such intense feelings for this person and I don't want to be without him in my life. I feel like a puppy abandoned at the roadside.
    I feel a failure for not having a relationship. For not having anyone that wants me.
    Actually I just feel a failure.
    I've got issues from my past creeping out of the woodwork and i'm scared.
    I don't feel I'm any good at my job and that one day I'm going to be found at this and sacked.
    and I've just made myself cry writign all this so I'm trying to dab my eyes with a Starbucks serviette and hope none of my colleagues notice.
    I know things in my life aren't that bad. This question just hit me at a raw time. so thanks Kellie for giving me the space to say it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now I know I'm not the only one to feel that I'm a fraud and one day I will be found out. Your comments here have actually helped me, so thank you. It is a shame that your friendship has ended, I am sorry to hear that's happened to you. When someone close to me falls by the wayside I try to comfort myself with the saying, people come into our lives for a reason, or a season. You are entitled to grieve, it is a loss. Hopefully one day you will be able to appreciate what you had with your friend and instead of being sad they are gone, be happy that you knew them?


      I hope writing it down has helped in some way. It's why I wrote this post. xxxx always here.

      Delete
  9. No. I'm not. But having friends like you around helps. I fear sometimes we all hear ''I'm fine'' and leave it at that. Maybe we shouldn't. But anyway, no I'm not. A lot of us are not doing ok. But thank you for asking and thank you for referencing my post Kellie xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am ALWAYS here for you, phone, twitter, Facebook. I will help you breathe through the bad for as long as you need.

      Delete
  10. Today I am ok, tomorrow I may not be. Tonight I may not be. For now I am ok.
    You are doing a wonderful thing Kelly with your blog.
    Accepting that someone may not be ok even when they say that they are is hard but you must not punish yourself, when they are in the right place they may decide to share but until then all you can do is wait and keep just being there.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I hope I can be there for anyone that needs an ear, a shoulder or just a place to be able to write down how they feel.

      Delete
  11. No, I'm not Ok. My son has gone off the rails, my mumma is poorly ill, my daddy has the beginning signs of dementia and everything is closing around me. Like a dark hate filled thundercloud.
    Supposed "friends" haven't helped, gossiping about me in a hateful way, when no one actually has any clue what my life has been like the past few months. No one even asks anymore.

    Tomorrow I'll be better though, the day after that stronger. I keep telling myself this, but so far tomorrow hasn't arrived, but it will!

    Thank you so very much Kellie for letting me have somewhere to put this xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I ask because I do care. You aren't alone. All my comments are moderated so I see them, keep coming back here if you want a chat, or if you feel you need to talk to someone, take a look at the helplines on the link above. Hopefully you will be able to get the help you need for your family.

      Delete
  12. This is such a wonderful post and such an important topic that we shouldn't shy away from. I went through a spell at the end of last year where in retrospect, it was quite clear that I was struggling. It wasn't until someone quite unexpected asked me whether I was ok, that I realised, I actually wasn't ok. I am now, but this was largely through talking about what was going on.

    I hope you're ok

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope that by writing it down, some people today will treat it as the first step. I've been there too. It's dark and horrible and it helps to know you aren't alone. Hugs

      Delete
  13. I am actually pretty wonderfully fine at the moment. And I am making the most of every good day. And using the good days to help people where I can. People who I hope will help me when "I'm ok" (rather than, I'm pretty great actually).

    Much love everyone xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm always around for you, through the good days and bad. And always will be. xxxx

      Delete
  14. Am I ok? Today I am....tomorrow, who knows. I'm an expert at hiding it when I'm not - working with pre-school children helps...I've got to be "happy" for them. When my partner asks "Are you ok?" (we live 120 miles apart at the moment) and I'm not, I deflect the question...he now understands that's me saying "No, I'm crap, just talk at me, and stay on the phone when I'm sobbing." He's getting there....slowly!
    When I'm not ok, one of my favourite places to go is Twitter....seriously! I have brilliant friends I've never met, who will listen, talk, make me smile/laugh, DM, text or email me. They also take the p*ss, which is what I need sometimes!
    Am I ok? At the moment, yes.....and this blog post has helped me stay that way today.
    Thanks xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad. I've done the long distance thing too, it was hard, sometimes all you want is a cuddle. I'm glad you are ok today, if you aren't, I'm on twitter a little bit. (Jokes) DM me, I can tell you crappy jokes to distract you, or twitter hug you when you feel low

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    2. Thanks Kellie - the same applies to you, you know that. Some good news - my partner is moving in February....he'll be about 10 miles away :-D xx

      Delete
  15. I'm trying to be ok but I don't feel it. I'm not feeling ok because I'm so fed up with being tired all the time and lacking the energy to do the things I want to. There are much bigger things in the world and so I feel horrible and a fraud for being honest about how I feel. I should feel lucky to have a great life and push on, but sometimes it just feels a bit much.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You are entitled to your pain and how you feel. Don't worry about how your pain is in comparison, or feel guilty about feeling depressed, that is part of the illness, playing tricks on you. Take it a day at a time. One day you will look back on this comment and see how far you've come.

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    2. I'm not ok but tell everyone I am. I haven't been ok for a few weeks. The big black cloud is suffocating at times.

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    3. I'm not ok but tell everyone I am. I haven't been ok for a few weeks. The big black cloud is suffocating at times.

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    4. I'm sorry to hear that Kathy; sometimes admitting you are not ok is the first step to feeling ok. I have a link above to some helplines if you would like to try them. There are people here who care and will walk by your side as things get better.

      Delete
  16. I'm not ok. But I'm starting to believe I will be. Sometime.

    I've been well for years, but the black fog came back a couple of months ago. Three weeks ago I was planning suicide. I just wanted the pain to be over. Physical pain I can take. But not mental pain. It's never been that bad before.

    Now I'm planning living. Little plans, achievable plans. Taking things a day at a time.

    I opened up to friends, workmates, was probably more honest than I should have been. Was surprised how much people cared and wanted to help. And they'd been asking me how I was for a while - they'd noticed a difference in my personality. I either got worse at hiding things or better at being honest.

    So. Getting better at coping with the bad days. And accepting the occasions good day really is good.

    Thanks for your blogs and twitter feed. Amongst other individuals and organisations online, you've really helped, and provided much needed support - even with a daft sweary tweet that gives my brain a spark of light on a bad day, or a really dirty laugh on a good day.

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    1. Always here for you. And happy to oblige with sweary tweets, How about the word Knob Jockey? I do like the word knob jockey. I shall tweet it just for you.

      I'm glad you are still here, and if you need someone to chat to my DM door is always open,

      You aren't alone and I'm glad you know this.

      If you ever feel as if you have had enough. Talk to someone, talk to me, or to your dr. Don't suffer alone. Please.

      Delete
  17. This is such a good post. Kellie, you always manage to write what I'm thinking but what I cannot say eloquently enough! I think that I instinctively lie about this, it's a reflex reaction to the question 'are you ok?' and it sucks that I'm not always open about my feelings. I like to bottle it all up in my mind and let it simmer, which is, frankly, very unhealthy.

    I'm ok, I think. It's not been one of those okay days, if you know what I mean. However, I always have to look at my life from a different perspective and realise that actually, my life isn't half that bad; I have family, friends, a roof over my head and (what is sometimes overlooked) I'm getting a good education. What more can a girl need? (not 'want' - that's another story!) I think that having this perspective is the only thing that keeps me grounded and not frustrated about everything and anything.

    So, I'm going to ask you: are you ok?
    I hope you are and I don't know if I've said this before, but I LOVE YOUR BLOG!

    ~Hannah xx

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    1. I'm ok darling, and I'm glad you are getting there and knowing when it isn't a good day, but tomorrow could be, is a brilliant step isn't it?

      Delete
  18. I'm not ok today. It's frustrating because only yesterday i was saying how good i was feeling. Have everything going for me which makes me feel guilty for getting that clawy anxious feeling. Have cried twice this eve and don't know why. Just feel like hiding from everyone. Thank you for this space Kellie i needed it x

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    Replies
    1. Saying to you don't cry, seems so silly, but I feel as if I want to hug you and support you. This should be a safe space so come back any time and write how you feel. I will be here

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    2. Thank you so much for replying. Things looking brighter now. Love your blog. Thank you for being so kind x

      Delete
  19. No not really. I could easily walk out the front door and run away today. My son is being a sh*t and I really shouted at him today which I feel guilty about and my husband, well god knows how I feel about him anymore.

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    Replies
    1. Just keep going, you are an amazing person already, having created your own family, so many people are incapable of doing that. Guilt is normal and it means you are a loving mother, a caring one. Try to take some time to reward what you do, every day, maybe it's some chocolate with a gorgeous cup of coffee, maybe it's a walk in the park, maybe it's taking time off everything and everyone to dive into a good book. Love yourself, realise that you have so much to offer. You are amazing x

      Delete
  20. No I'm not ok... on the surface everything is wonderful but deep down I am a fraud! Everyday is a chore! I am the Mummy to 3 very young children whom I love dearly. Though none go to school as yet, so everyday is a struggle to even just go about daily tasks. I have no friends, no family and no support. My husband leaves the house at 6 in the morning and doesn't get home till 9 at night. Life at the moment is a grind,,, and there is no light!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. As always you make the internet a better place. Xxx

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    2. Hello anon mummy to 3.
      The "fraud" feeling i can totally relate to. Its like wearing a mask, faking every smile, pretending its all ok.

      Can i suggest surestart childrens centers, google can help you find your nearest one, but often next to a prinary school. They have all sorts of things, toddler clubs, mummy craft/art sessions whilst the kiddos play, even conselling, & subsidised days out. I made some friends this way, & things are either free or cheap. Just go in there and be honest, say "i'm struggling" & i bet they help. Xxx

      Delete
  21. Feeling pretty shitty this week. Someone who said I was their best friend/vice versa told me on Saturday they no longer want to be in contact. I am feeling so lost and lonely without him to talk to and I feel like it's driving me crazy :-( it was so out of the blue.
    Thanks for this post xxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Someone else at the top of these comments has the same issue, I'm sorry to hear it's happened to you as I know over the time we have chatted, you are really lovely. Happy to chat via DM any time babe

      Delete
  22. No. To answer your question, no I'm not ok.
    I'm struggling to see the point in life, and lately every waking moment my mind has been clouded with thoughts of ending it all. The thought of my death is the only thing comforting me at the minute, ironically keeping me alive.
    Everything is such an effort, I can't even get up to go to work most days, let alone wash and dress myself. I used to be able to help my mental health by keeping myself distracted, but I can't even pick up a book anymore.
    I'm putting such a strain on my relationship, my partner of almost 4 years can't understand why I'm like this "You've no reason to be sad" he tells me. "Maybe you should just stop crying all the time" It makes me feel so guilty, as it's true I don't have a reason to be sad. I have a home, I have great physical health, I can read, I can write, I can run. But I'm struggling to live and it's really fucking hard.
    I've tried to reach out for help, only to be brushed off. Even when I hint at my plans of suicide to those closest to me, I think they think I'm just being dramatic. Or maybe they just don't really care?

    I don't know what to do anymore.

    I'm so sorry for all this. I've needed to let it all out for a long time, and this a place that I won't feel judged.
    Thank you.

    p.s. Are *you* okay?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hiya, please confide in a doctor or similar. Best thing I've done in years was admit im suicidal, a bit nuts and needed help.
      Im not sure what to suggest but please accept this *virtual hug* and remember dramatic things are best left in eastenders or corrie so please no hurting yourself? X

      And for good measure, *massive non-judgmental understanding huggles*

      Delete
  23. "I'm OK" is a phrase that slips so easily from our lips even though sometimes we don't mean it at all.

    I've had several long episodes of depression and during a complete breakdown in 2010 I said "No! I'm fine!" quite a lot, even in the hour before I went at my wrist with a knife while standing in the kitchen. I've since learned that whatever response I give to "Are you OK?" it can't be as explosive, bleak or distressing as carrying depression alone. I've learned to say, "Well, actually, no. I feel pretty shitty today," and just like that, some of the pressure lifts and I get hugs, understanding and compassion in return. We don't just need to ask the question, we have to be prepared to answer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I said "I'm ok!" loads around my breakdown... Even at mh appointments, like they couldn't spot that lie eh? Got asked today in person "how are you Julie?" and i let the tears and crap out. They did ask after all! ;-)

      Delete
  24. No I'm not ok. I can't see the point in living, I can't get my head around the finality of death. I have no idea where these feelings have come from. I *should* be happy. I have a wonderful hubby and two amazing little children but right now all I can think about is death. I cry daily, I have panic attacks, and I just want to get out of my own brain. I thought I'd struggled with mental illness before but this is 100 times worse. Everything seems so pointless and hopeless.

    Apologies for the outburst, apologies if I've made anyone else feel sad & thank you for the opportunity to write this. X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please don't apologise for how you feel, Anon. It sounds as if you are going through a lot at the moment. But it is incredibly brave of you to write down how you feel, I hope it helps, even a little. Above is a link to some helplines, please give someone a call, or tell someone how you feel. NO-ONE will judge you, and you aren't alone. Email me or message me anytime you want. Always here for you and you are not alone.

      Delete
    2. Hiya sweetie. Not sure if we are online buddies, if we are then DM/email me. Been where you are, panic attacks and crying happen less often now.

      What i did was went into a doctors in tears saying i wanted to die but luckily/unluckily my phobias prevent most self harm type of things. I was put in touch with the "crisis team" which is local nhs mental health.
      Think of them like a&e of mental health. They might be good for you, or MIND charity, or possibly the samaritans. Please talk to someone.

      Big hugs ;-)

      @juliemrb on twits

      Delete
    3. There is hope. You know it yourself because you admit you are not okay. The internet is not going to be able to do much to help though. How have you dealt with your illness in the past? This time you may need 100 times that. Talk to an expert that has helped people with this problem before, and do it right away so your children have a mum that laughs with them every day instead of crying.

      Delete
    4. Please don't apologise, please don't be ashamed of feeling the way you do. No one said life would be easy, it's not, it's a battle, every day, but you will make it. It does get better, I assure you it does get MUCH better. Please take in everything you are being told in these replies, you are not alone x

      Delete
  25. Dear Anonymous,

    Please get in touch with someone; when I was extremely depressed at uni (and had similar thoughts), I found emailing the Samaritans really helped. You can email jo@samaritans.org
    Someone would usually get back to me within a day.

    You can always email me. My email is on my blog. I know what you're going through.

    Also, please tell your husband and see your doctor. You have so much to live for.

    Please look after yourself x

    ReplyDelete
  26. I know these feelings, please,please get help, tell your hubby, and speak to your doctor, you will get past this.

    Stay strong x

    ReplyDelete
  27. Dear Anonymous, I'm so glad you felt able to share how you're feeling here. There is no 'should ' about feeling happy. Please don't put that pressure on yourself. Looking back now, I can see how dragged down I was mentally I was at times, when my children where small. Please do take Stephanie's advice and do remember that you are not alone. x

    ReplyDelete
  28. Thank you all so much for your comments, I am in the process of being referred to my local mental health team, I have been to my doctor who has recommended an online course while I wait and is ready to prescribe anxiety meds if need be. I will try the Samaritans and MIND as well. I really do hope that something can be done but right now I feel stuck, scared that these feelings of terror with regards to death will never calm down. I can't carry on feeling like this, I need to get better for my family. Thank you again, I've been in tears reading the comments but good ones. So lovely that complete strangers care so much x
    Once again, thank you for letting me vent x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Always here for you, one day you will look back on this moment as a turning point. And see how far you have come. Keep in touch. My comments are moderated too so I can see when you comment, feel free to use this space as well to write how you feel, bad days and good. Xxx

      You are not alone and people care.

      Delete
    2. I love that you've replied. MIND are amaze. Depends on what your MH team suggest, but for me joining a support group of others who seem fine at first glance has been so helpful... Realising people understand me, & i understand them. Although we talk about depression and mh issues its like a weight lifts from my shoulders each week. Mind might be able to find you a group. X

      Delete
  29. Replies
    1. Always available by DM for a chat babe. Always.

      Delete

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