Monday, 3 March 2014

I'm A Fraud



"A FRAUD. A big fat fraud, and you have been found out for the failure that you are" 

That's what the little voices in my head were whispering to me last week.

When I talk about voices, I'm talking about the negative voices that are always inside, the ones that when things are going well, we manage to push back into their box and try to forget about, but they never TRULY disappear do they? And when you have a bad day, they spring out of their box as if they taught Jack Nicholson his moves for The Shining.

"HERE'S NEGATIVITY"



I had a bad week on the blog, stats were down, comments were down, and suddenly, all of those negative voices come back, slithering around saying, "SEEEEEEEEEEEEE? No-one is interested in what you have to say, NO-ONE is listening. in fact, everyone is LAUGHING at you."

Negativity is a cruel mistress. The minute you start listening to it, it is so hard to stop, and I had opened the door. Hormones, stress, a million tiny little reasons that culminate in one huge wreck of a person.

And I was a wreck.


(Not now, Miley) 

I love what I do, I really do. but like most bloggers out there, I don't get paid for what I do, I do it because I love it. I don't win awards for what I do, (apart from ones from Tattooed Mummy, which are cherished. http://tattooedmummy.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/tm-alternative-blog-awards-results-show.html ) and I am only human. I get down, and I get up again.

I always get up again,

Negative thoughts are always amongst us. and sometimes, we have a day (week) where they completely overtake us. The trick is to learn how to put them back in the box and ignore them. Sometimes we manage it, sometimes they fight their way out again. There is no magic trick to fighting back internal negativity, everyone deals with it differently, whether you shower it with positivity, turn to friends or just plow on through.

How do you deal with the negativity that is inside you?

Anyone else sometimes feel like a fraud at what they do and wonder if one day, everything that you built will one day come falling down around you?


Let me know.


Big Fashionista x x x






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19 comments

  1. I write all my negative thoughts down and then I put them in a box and ignore them. I never read then again. I call it my "No" box, as all the thoughts are no I can't do this, that etc.
    It seems to work ok for me.
    At the end of the year I burn the box. That way I start the new year with nothing but positivity :-)

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  2. I often feel that way, especially recently as I'm letting people see the real me, or am? I don't even know who the real me is, I worry about lots of things, worry what others think of me, am I a good person? Is my life going to have made a difference? So you aren't alone, I suspect lots feel the same way, life is scary and you have to take stock sometimes and think about negatives, mope if you want, but hopefully afterwards you realise what's important and push yourself. Sorry for rambling, I'm tired and my self confidence is a bit low too, keep writing good, honest posts like this one.

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  3. Sometimes with blogging I want to scream, "why don't you love me?!" I now have some many bigger things to worry about than if people are reading, I started blogging because I enjoyed it not to add to my anxiety! I take a step back from it all, talk to Hubby etc.

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  4. It's a tough one. I do get nominated for awards, hell seem to make the finals for a lot of them but it's a case of always the runner up, never the winner and it's easy to take that to heart. The upshot is though, THEY DON'T MATTER. They're a web traffic ploy. All of them from the Cosmo's to the recent Samsung Digital Media Awards (where I was a finalist for blogger of the year recently). Patronising and adding to our increased perception that we're not good enough. Well we are. Anyone who comes online and reaches out in some way is trying something. You put effort, thought, creativity and sympathy into your blog posts. You are a friend to a lot of your readers Kellie. You'll always be number 1 with me xx

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  5. My negativity has a name. She is my 'what if fairy'. A nasty little biatch that sits on my shoulder and pours her evil straight into my ear. She is working overtime at the moment.
    Kelly I love EVERY post you write. Funny sarcastic or plain ranty, you all to often put voice to exactly my own sentiments on a given subject. When I dont comment it is simply because I dont think my thoughts are worth sharing xx

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  6. We're human at the end of the day. I think it's normal to feel this way at times. I have days like it, that's for sure.

    www.lululovesfilms.wordpress.com
    www.myfamilyandabruzzo.com

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  7. I take a break when my love for blogging disappears.

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  8. I feel like a fraud all the time - I think that it gets worse as one gets older and one realises that one is fallible. I remember listening to Will Self talking about how one spends one's life striving to climb the mountain and when one gets there one is already slipping down the other side. I think sometimes one has to step back from these thoughts and just let them come and go - I realised long ago that to err is human and I am just proof that I am human, I also agree with Churchill and think that one just keeps buggering on. I love what you do Kellie and whilst I may not comment I do read.

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  9. I used to feel this way until I realised life is too short to worry about what every other bugger thinks, and most of them are prats anyway or are busy wondering if you like them...

    You are fabulous - you have a fun blog and so what if not many people read it one week? maybe they were busy? maybe they are arseholes? who cares, their loss! I am a person that adores you and your blog. but if I suddenly hated you (not gonna happen) who really cares? no, don't be silly it's just the internet full of nutters like us.

    Pull on those big girl panties (or the skimpy thong i like you in that more) and say "To hell with a popularity contest! I am amazing and if you don't see that you are a twat of the highest order and I have no time for you!"

    Love you xxxx

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    Replies
    1. Best comment yet...I agree with every word x

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  10. I wish I knew the answer to this as I'm constantly assailed by the negative voice telling me I'm stupid, annoying and will never make a success of either my career or personal life. Even when everything's going brilliantly, it tells me it won't last, because I've had good things before, haven't I, and I've always ruined them because people have always found out that I'm no good.
    The things I try to do are:
    1. Surround myself with friends. And by that I mean true, supportive friends. They see good things in you that you've never even thought of, and they're not making them up, so listen to them.
    2. Remind myself that my self perception is skewed. A helpful combination of nature and life experience have meant my negative voice is disproportionately loud. Once I've recognised this, it's easier to disregard its delusions.
    3. Remind myself of positive things I have achieved. Okay, so I'm not rich, but I'm doing work I love and I'd far rather have that than be rolling in money but unhappy at work, as many are.
    4. Believe in myself. There are enough people around trying to tear me down, cos that's what some people like to do. I don't have to add my own voice to theirs. Positive thinking is half the battle. You've got to give yourself a chance and you can't do that if you're telling yourself all the time that you're going to fail!

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  11. :( id love to say I have a way to stop the negative voice in my head, but I don't! all the comments on this post should tell you that your blog is amazing, you know ive been reading for years, and I wouldn't stop!

    that stupid negative voice, is something we all get. but being able to put it too one side is the magic trick! I cant say much about it, other than, and im sure everyone would agree that you have nothing to be negative about when it comes to this blog.

    Catherine x

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  12. I call mine my inner bully.

    I'm not really sure what I have done to suppress it. I think, just over time & dealing with hard life stuff, I got my head round the fact that I really am worth quite a lot. This is my life & I am going to live it. Ain't nobody better qualified than me to do that.

    As for you, Kellie, I think you'e amazing. Have done for the last 3 years+ of following you on Twitter & that is not going to change. You rock. Never change.

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  13. Please know that I always read your blog posts, and enjoy them. I don't comment often, because sometimes I feel that my views aren't relevant/worthy of you/your readers.
    Fraud? Me? I've become so good at hiding the black dog that not even my man/son/Mum/best friend know....I should win an Oscar every year!
    Please stop doubting yourself....you make me laugh...smile...think....usually when nothing/no one else can.
    If you need a blogging break, take one, we'll understand xx

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  14. Imposter syndrome - it's a real thing. That feeling that one day people will discover you are actually crap, useless, good for nothing and you will lose it all.

    Except that you are honest, genuine, true, good at what you do, with an amazing outlook on life, yeah you swear, post pics of half naked or fully naked men, do sponsored posts etc, and I think anyone who stands out and does things differently puts themselves in the line of fire for imposter syndrome.

    I am really battling the voices hard at the moment too. So totally get where you are coming from.

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  15. I used to have a big problem with negative thinking, which led to anxiety. I found that CBT and mindfulness helped.

    But the inner critic still crops up. I think it's a common writer trait.

    Oh, and your blog is awesome!

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  16. Hi Kellie,

    Life is a roller coaster of ups and downs in confidence, sometimes we can fly for days on a positive and other days can be bumpy as hell and we wonder WTF happened. (I don't say WTF a lot so please forgive).

    Those are the days when you have to put your head and down and push through to the other side so you can enjoy the sunshine. The nature of the beast is that the bumpy days will make the good days seem more precious and enjoyable. Although that is difficult to remember on the bumpy days.

    Your blog is doing great and the internet is not a democracy - Google is God and visitors will ebb and flow. You just keep on writing, write for yourself first and others will read, they may not comment but they will read :-)

    Joanna

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  17. Jesus, a lot of comments on this one. My answer will seem naff now. I feel negative nearly every day. My depression is always sitting there waiting for me to wake in the morning, then it jumps on me at the same time I put my 'mask' on to fool everyone things are ok. So every day I feel like a fraud. I never used to be like this but recently I cannot help it.

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  18. I think bloggers fall into a few categories, those who want to write and be read, those who want to document and share their lives, those who need validation that actually they're ok people. Often people overlap in these categories like in a Venn diagram, I'm one of those that sits in the middle of an overlap of all three circles.

    This is why I struggle with the awards, I'm lucky enough to have been a finalist in the MADs for two years and in the BiBs 2012, but the self-loathing that happened when I didn't win was immense. It's not about being a bad loser, it's about not being good enough.

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