If you are reading this post, it may be too late for me. I am writing this in advance, my fear is palpable, I am clammy and shaky, I am experiencing a loss of control, I am.....
GOING ON A SCHOOL TRIP!!!!!!
Firstly, where can I buy lunchbox sized cartons of wine? (asking for a friend)
Secondly, Why did I agree to do this, you may ask
So the smallest sprog brings home a school trip letter, and then springs a trap so painful that it can only be described as a bear trap, kind of trap. (You know, one with real bite)
"I suppose you will be too busy to come, won't you? (Prepares trap) It's ok, I'm sure there will be plenty of other mums who care about their children who can go. (SNAP)
I pull out the well used argument that my smallest child, when I am around will, instead of spending her time with the class and really getting into the school trip and getting the full experience, will want to spend her time with me clinging to my leg, and not make the most of the trip.
A bit like a magazine with a photoshopped naked picture of Justin Bieber in it, you aren't buying it either, are you?
Truth be told, I'm a little concerned whenever I go on a school trip that I am responsible for a small number of children that I didn't even birth. (I have no reason to keep an eye on these children other than the sense of pride I will feel when I leave the school with five children and return with three.... I mean four.... oh God, how many did I have again?)
Let us never forget the great child abduction issue I experienced the last time I accompanied a group of children on one of these trips. I had five children to look after on a school trip that was all about public transport, this entailed taking a group of six year olds on buses, the London Underground and a sodding BOAT!!!!!!!
This was never going to end well was it?
I was on the bus with five little darlings when I saw one of my charges stroll off to join another group, (Little MONSTER) I ran over to him and began to tell him to come with me, I turn around and my group of children had all been distracted by something shiny and wandered off in different directions, the child who had wandered off just looked at me with sheer terror in his eyes and began to walk off with the other group, I was telling him to come over here, (I did everything but offer him sweeties to join me) I started to gently steer him away from the group he had joined and suddenly I look up and THERE is the child from my group where I left him.
THIS IS NOT MY CHILD, it is a copy, a duplicate sent to confuse me... Ok, a twin, and this child doesn't know who I AM..... he thinks I am stealing him...... (I am pretty glad I didn't go down the sweetie route now) Back away, Kellie, back away. no NOT like that, you just look guilty.
THIS IS WHY I SHOUDN"T BE ALLOWED TO SUPERVISE ON SCHOOL TRIPS. (That and I never really get a chance to enjoy the obligatory shop visit at the end of the trip - "Take that rubber out of your nose" "You have 50p and that Limited Edition print is £250, please put it back" "Why do you want marbles?" "If you buy that replica set of arrows your mother is going to KILL me"
So if there is no post up tomorrow morning, can someone check every corner of the room, just to make sure I am not still there, rocking.
And can someone come back to me on those wine cartons, ASAP.
Any tips for surviving a school trip?
Let me know.
Big Fashionista x x x