Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Foofs, Festivals, and F No



Checks calendar. Right, it is now June, which means I am currently drowning in emails about how to keep my foof clean in a tent or something equally festival related.

"Festival fashion" 

"Festival footwear"

"Festival fever"

"How to steal Kim Kardashian's style at a festival, while watching the World Cup"

No, no, no

Stop that.

I am 38 years old, I moan that I am uncomfortable whilst watching Glastonbury on the television. I want some sort of festival where I can sit, alone, in a chair, with the sun shining so that Ricky Wilson and all his chiefs can simultaneously bring me drinks whilst performing their greatest hits, with Guns & Roses (with Slash, OBVS) and Linkin Park being the supporting acts.

Festivals SUCK for me. I do NOT want tips on how to piss in a tent, or how to recycle toilet roll to wear as a fucking dress. (If that makes the edit, I'll be shocked) If I need to wash myself, I want to do it in a shower, or a bath, thanks very much, WITH BUBBLES. Not with a single wet-wipe that I then need to use again to clean my glass. WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO WINE GLASSES AT A FESTIVAL?






I do NOT want to sleep in a tent anymore, or even in a sleeping bag. I want hotels, I will even rough it in a cabin for good music. BUT NO CAMPING.

I don't care if they add Elvis to the bill, it's not happening.

Festival Fashion, Festival Footwear, Festival foofs, and Festival sleeping bags,


THIS FASHIONISTA IS OUT






10 comments:

  1. Bwahahaha. Love it. The older I get the less I'm inclined to pay £4 for a pint of lukewarm horse piss and to shit in an overheated plastic cube which smells of death and ammonia. If I can take my stuff to a festival in an articulated lorry, have a bunch of goons put up my tent and then be carried in a sedan carriage to my tent, I'm in. I have a tent big enough to house the army in going to waste because FUCK THAT.

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  2. Gotta say I'm with you on this one - I think I've been too old to care about festivals for a good ten years or so now! I like comfy chairs, hot running water and access to good tea, and I don't really like people so it's a bit of a no brainer (in the immortal words of Kevin Bacon).

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  3. Ha! Amen. Although I'm going to Camp Bestival ... I at least tried to see if I could glamp it up. Then they asked for at least £400 ... and I told them to poke it. I should have just sent that Kanye gif x

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  4. Ha! Amen! Although I'm going to Camp Bestival this year, I at least tried to glamp it up. Then they asked for at least £400 and I told them to poke it. I should have just sent them that Kanye gif. x

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  5. Bahah love it and you. I hear that! I would love a private gig by the Kaiser Chiefs! They used to always eat at folk's restaurants and brother went to school with Ricky *makes the call. P.S Best Kanye gif EVER. You rock x

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  6. I'm not a festival person. Never will be. I hate large crowds and don't see what's great about sleeping in a tent, not having a shower for days, using portable toliets and having mud up to your knees. Would rather be in the comfort of my home! x

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  7. I'm not a festival person. Never will be. I hate large crowds and don't see what's great about sleeping in a tent, not having a shower for days, using portable toliets and having mud up to your knees. Would rather be in the comfort of my home! x

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  8. I'm totally with you!! I like my home comforts too much!

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  9. Amen, I'm too old for that nonsense. I used to go to F1 races which are exactly the same - dirty, overpriced and not as good as you planned. I now enjoy them from the luxury of my sofa with my affordable cold beer.

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  10. Oh I can't be arsed, too dear, too many hipsters, too much hormones. If I want to be surrounded by shit and puke I just stay at home :)

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