Monday, 8 September 2014
Eight-legged freak-ing out
(Oh use your imagination)
"Hello, is that the place where I can buy trees? Because I would like to place an order for 30 million Horse Chestnut trees so that I can plant a ring of them around my house to keep out the spiders that are currently trying to make themselves at home in my property.
Sold out you say?
Please, tell me I am not alone in the fact that I am currently being invaded by spiders so large that if I were so inclined, I could stick a saddle on one and ride through the Trinity Kitchen on it. Spiders so brazen that I fully expect to come home one evening to find that one of them is lounging on my sofa, watching Great British Bake Off whilst eating my cheese and biscuits, IN MY ONESIE. (would that make it an eightsy?
I have heard of the Horse Chestnut trick before, but how the hell I am expected to hit one of those buggers with a Horse Chestnut is beyond me. Have you SEEN how fast they run?
Also, the ones I have seen, don't seem to like walls, Oh no. No "spider-like' behaviour for these bad boys. They wait until you are relaxed and comfortable, and then they dart across the carpet as if they are playing a game of Bulldog. (double points if they go OVER the dog, apparently) and then they just freeze in the middle of the carpet while you are standing on your sofa screaming your head off, just LOOKING at you as if to say, "When you've finished...." I think I could handle it if they ran off, but NO, they stand there and just taunt, "Come and get me, if you think you can. What, are you SCARED?"
Er, YES. Of COURSE I am goddamn scared. These spiders look like they have been raised in East London. The only way they could look any harder was if they wore leather jackets, carried flick knives and called Harry Styles a wanker, ON TWITTER. (I know, that's hard)
Slowly, these spiders are trying to take over my home.
Have you seen this picture?
I'm not scared about their willies on my face, I'm terrified the bastards are going to try to finger me!!!!!
Tell me I am not alone in being invaded by obscenely large spiders, tell me your tips for getting rid of them.
I need to know.
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