Monday, 8 September 2014

Eight-legged freak-ing out



Ring, ring

Ring, ring.

(Oh use your imagination)

"Hello, is that the place where I can buy trees? Because I would like to place an order for 30 million Horse Chestnut trees so that I can plant a ring of them around my house to keep out the spiders that are currently trying to make themselves at home in my property.

Sold out you say?

Bummer."

Please, tell me I am not alone in the fact that I am currently being invaded by spiders so large that if I were so inclined, I could stick a saddle on one and ride through the Trinity Kitchen on it. Spiders so brazen that I fully expect to come home one evening to find that one of them is lounging on my sofa, watching Great British Bake Off whilst eating my cheese and biscuits, IN MY ONESIE. (would that make it an eightsy?

I have heard of the Horse Chestnut trick before, but how the hell I am expected to hit one of those buggers with a Horse Chestnut is beyond me. Have you SEEN how fast they run?

Also, the ones I have seen, don't seem to like walls, Oh no. No "spider-like' behaviour for these bad boys. They wait until you are relaxed and comfortable, and then they dart across the carpet as if they are playing a game of Bulldog. (double points if they go OVER the dog, apparently) and then they just freeze in the middle of the carpet while you are standing on your sofa screaming your head off, just LOOKING at you as if to say, "When you've finished...."  I think I could handle it if they ran off, but NO, they stand there and just taunt, "Come and get me, if you think you can. What, are you SCARED?"

Er, YES. Of COURSE I am goddamn scared. These spiders look like they have been raised in East London. The only way they could look any harder was if they wore leather jackets, carried flick knives and called Harry Styles a wanker, ON TWITTER. (I know, that's hard)

Slowly, these spiders are trying to take over my home.

Have you seen this picture?





I'm not scared about their willies on my face, I'm terrified the bastards are going to try to finger me!!!!!


Tell me I am not alone in being invaded by obscenely large spiders, tell me your tips for getting rid of them.


I need to know.


Big Fashionista

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11 comments

  1. Haha. Yes. My lad slept on the floor one night last week as I refused to vacuum a spider up at 11pm. I said "squash it or ignore it" so the *not scared* 12 year old tween slept on the floor? Hmmmmmm, not scared my arse!

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  2. I read a post on Fb about a dog like mine who catches spiders and takes them outside. Lucky sods :)

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  3. We found one of those jumping fuckers on the wall last night. I swear the bastids are going to give me a heart attack one of these days. I'm itching all over now, aaaaarrrrrrghhhh.

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  4. This made me laugh so loud I frightened the cats! The same cats who present me with half chewed enormous spiders on a regular basis. My cats are my heroes.

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  5. This made me laugh so loud I frightened the cats! The same cats who present me with half chewed enormous spiders on a regular basis. My cats are my heroes.

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  6. Surely eight fingers would be an experience? lol

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  7. I hate, hate, HATE spiders. When I was younger, around 3-4, we had a 'pet' spider. I say pet, it was basically a huge (think mug size) spider that lived behind our TV. I loved it, we called him Fred and he was part of the family. Then one day, one of my older brothers 'accidently' squashed it behind the door. I was devastated - poor Fred! My brother? Taunted me, saying how his babies would come after me to punish us for killing Fred. Ever since? I've been absolutely terrified. I scream, I freeze, I get palpitations, and I burst into tears. EVERY SINGLE TIME. They scare the crap out of me! xo

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  8. you always make me smile . PS have you heard that putting a conker in each corner of your room is meant to ward away spiders . unless you have round rooms then my friend you are on your own

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  9. Conkers! place them around your rooms apparently spiders do not like them.

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  10. Im totally petrified of spiders. They are definitely getting bigger each year as well and they are harder to kill! Damn things must have body armour on when they invade my house! My grandma swears by chestnuts in a bowl but I don't think it works on the Tarantula kind!
    Reinventing Neesha

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  11. If you don't mind killing them (and other bugs) then you could try a flea spray called 'indorex'

    It's a spray for carpets etc but is apparently very good and killing spiders. Currently resisting the urge to spray my self.. Just in case one gets near me!

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