Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Menstruation Conversation



I read an article yesterday which was talking about periods where the words, Ryan Gosling and PUPPIES were used. 

Any more cliches you want throw in there?



Oh FUCK OFF. 

You know what? Periods are not fun and games. Not one woman has ever gone, "Whooooo Hooooooo, I got my period" (Unless there were contraception issues the previous month)

So in this post there will be no puppies, no Ryan fucking Gosling and no roller skates.

1) Sanitary towels are evil, EVIL little strips of deceptive softness that can rip out pubic hair with the ferociousness of a bad waxer on a time limit.  Do not let the idea of wings fool you, you may THINK they are there to wrap snugly around your underwear. NOPE. Just when you already feel like you have been kicked in the vagina by a horse just throw in your pubic hair being torn out at the roots. Plus, never be in a rush and forget to unfold your flaps, (OF YOUR SANITARY TOWEL) This gets messy FAST.

Also, try not to pick up the wrong type of sanitary towel. Choose wisely my friend because this shit isn't cheap so if you get the wrong ones, chances are you will be sacrificing a lot of underwear rather than grab another packet the next day.

AND DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON PICKING UP THE WRONG SIZE TAMPONS. 

I have had three children, anything less that a Super plus and I'm going to be needing them to come with their own grappling hooks or a James Franco attachment to hold them in. 



OMFG!!!!!!!! CRAMPONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (It all makes sense now) 



2) STAINS are hell. I have a whole knicker drawer full of period knickers. Knickers are graded in levels of skankiness. knickers that are slightly stained, (CLEAN, but stained, you know the type i mean) knickers that your mother wouldn't let you get hit by a bus in and knickers that look as if you have been stabbed in the vagina in, (which coincidentally is how I feel right now) Oh and if you ever WANT to come on at a certain time, put on a set of matching underwear, I guarantee you will come on within 10 minutes of putting them on. FACT,  You may right about now be going Ewwwwwwwwwww, but if you don't have period knickers, there is only ONE sure fire way to avoid staining, this method is brought to you today by Eminem. 




3) Moods. Now everyone experiences different levels of moodiness whilst on the blob. I get tearful before my period and then whilst on my period experience rage like no other bitch. Seriously, don't mess with me, I can get bloodstains out of white jeans, I can make you disappear fast and without a trace. 


When I am on my period I do not want to see puppies, I want to see 2 painkillers, a cup of coffee and I want a cuddle................... NO DON'T YOU DARE CUDDLE ME. 






Do we need to talk about flooding?




Or are you understanding how I am feeling here? 



Basically what I think I am saying is, periods, what a bitch? Am I right?

What is the worst bit about periods for you? Are you nodding and agreeing with my post or is it just a bloody mess?


Let me know


Big Fashionista x x x




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17 comments

  1. You are the queen of all righteousness! Haha. All so true.
    I get pure rage...usually unjustified hatred for most people during the first few days. Anything less than a 4-hourly gift of paracetamol AND ibuprofen with chocolate (* not that every four hours...!), and I could possibly kill.

    Hideous. Bring on the end of them. Or not, because that's shit too, isn't it! X

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  2. I love this post so much because it's all true. Sit down, niagra falls. Stand up, niagra falls. You spend the entire duration praying you don't sneeze, EVER. also this (click)

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  3. Puppies & Ryan Gosling won't make your period an enjoyable time but reusable menstrual products really can. I've got an entire blog based on the subject! I know I sound like a total weirdo but cloth pads have literally changed my lie & I look forward to that time every month. And they're 100% guaranteed NOT to cause pube snaggage!

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  4. Not to sound like that hippy girl that seems perfectly nice but you wouldn't have round for dinner in case she tried to sign you up to join her commune, but I've used a mooncup for about 4 years and haven't used a pad or tampon since. I haven't the grotty underwear drawer because OMG does that think stop any possibility of leaks. I get that people think they're weird, but I'm seriously grossed out by pads now and wouldn't use one except in a mooncup-less emergency. I got mine to go to Nepal (where they burn used pads, and make you eat elsewhere when you're on the rag because UNCLEAN, don't get me started on that) so I thought the cup would at least save me that mortification. And ever since I've been stain-free, leak-free and no icky pad-induced thrush! Huzzah!

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  5. Hahaha I absolutely love this post! One of those ones you wonder whether it's alright to publish 😄 .. I've spoken on my blog before about the issue of expensive sanitary products so don't get me started on that one!! Interestingly though, a lot of people like your above reader seem to be going the mooncup route. Love your humour in this post :) xx

    Http://www.itsalwaysdarkestbeforethedawn1.blogspot.co.uk

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  6. I think my favourite part of periods is when you're on it, and you're talking to someone with a dog, and the dog starts sniffing your crotch. That's really pleasant. *sarcasm in case anyone thinks I'm into bestiality*. Mine come with migraines, woop!

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  7. I suffer from the usual pain and rage in the days/weeks before my periods. Large swollen boobs (theyre a friggin size 40H anyway, add fluid retention to that and you really should be given bloody scafolding to hold the bloody things up) that are ridiculously tender. And I have a man who's MANstrual cycle makes him act like a friggin idiot in the weeks leading up to my period, meaning I am perfectly justified in wanting to stab him.
    However these are not the worst things about my period
    The problem I suffer from most is one that I haven't heard many tweeps mention (which leads me to conclude im a freak). I get terrible period horn!! As randy as hell just at the time when my fella wouldn't touch me with a bargepole. Is it any wonder i need to kill him right now!!

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  8. Once again you have made everyone on the bus thing I am some sort of giggling idiot with no social skills. Love this post

    Hayley

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  9. All of that with knobs on (so to speak). My period is late due to my new meds, so I had a lovely surprise in the middle of the night when I was hoping the vivid dreams associated with my tablets would be influenced by watching Guardians of the Galaxy. Instead I had ruined shorts, pain and woke up at dawn. Menstrageddon.

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  10. Completely agree. I'd add don't buy your sanitary towels while doing your weekly shopping online, last time they didn't have what I'd ordered so they substituted with super size incontinence pads which I had to use as had ran out of anything else...

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  11. This -> "When I am on my period I do not want to see puppies, I want to see 2 painkillers, a cup of coffee and I want a cuddle................... NO DON'T YOU DARE CUDDLE ME." I want this framed, so I can hang it on my bloody front door!

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  12. Add in a cycle that needs two different meds to stem the flow into a merely 'extra heavy' category, and a 21 day cycle (that's 1st day to 1st day), with periods of at least 7 days in length, and you've reached my world of the last 7 years...

    Thank the gods I don't get cramps, is all I'm saying #SmallBlessings

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  13. *nods along* fortunately my cramps have eased from the whole week to just one or 2 days now I'm a bit older.

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  14. Dear lord, I hear you. Having to 'double up' with a combination of tampons and towels for fear of leaving a bloody trail behind you. And waking up in the middle of the night in a pool of blood because your super-absorbent night-time towel has failed to adequately do the job. I used to take the pill with no breaks for months on end to avoid this god-awful time of the month. Haven't gone back to it since having my kids, but am seriously considering it. There are even grosser things I could say about periods, but I'm not gonna go there. You all know.

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  15. Literally laughed out loud at this post! Everything you said is so accurate, especially the period knicker bit. I tend to section my underwear and put the 'over stained and only wearable when on period' knickers to the side. One thing that aggravates me is how loud the unwrapping of pads and tampons sound. Going into a public toilet when you're on your period? Great, now everyone will know just what time of month it is! x

    Bridie | Upon My Sleeve

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  16. My thing when I'm on my period is that I get stressed easier. Customers at work that would normally just be a bit annoying turn into 'Why the fuck did you do that? I told you to wait you fucking moron' rants in my head.

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