Monday, 1 December 2014

No Elf On The Shelf For Me



I guess that I am a crap parent. (jump in anytime kids, no seriously, feel free to jump in...... hello)


and the reason that I am a crap parent is that I am refusing to own an Elf On The Shelf.

If I wanted something to walk around all night messing shit up and generally being naughty then I wouldn't impose a bedtime routine on my crotchfruit would I?

I have to admit, I fail to see the point of an Elf on the shelf, is he just there to grass the kids up to Santa? Because if he is, my charming little monsters angels would have that elf strung up by his dangly balls the first time he tried to call Santa to tattle tale.

One thing that I have noticed is that SOME elfs (is it ELFS or ELVES?) cause more trouble than the children, last year I saw MANY (many, many, many, many) instagram pictures of elves in compromising poses with cuddly toys, some went walkabout all over the house, some just got drunk (Oh hang on, wrong instagram, that was NO elf)

Personally I would have been really annoyed if my mother would have brought home a badly behaved elf that fucked around all night and then tried to get ME in trouble with Santa if I didn't tidy my room. 

And look at the little shit, does that look like something you can trust?



That is the face of someone who hasn't flushed and is now going to look your mother right in the eye and deny all knowledge of any crap. (literally)

So for me, there will be no Elf on The Shelf, no one is going to be reporting to santa apart from ME. (No, one is going to mess shit up, apart from ME) I have no room in my life for another stalker, thanks. (waves to all the stalkers)

BUT, I do know that a lot of you out there DO have an elf on the shelf, and I really do want to know what he does to add the fun to your christmas, what do your children think of your elf, does he misbehave?


Let me know


Big Fashionista x x x


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18 comments

  1. The didn't that this when I was a kid, plus I think i'd have been freaked out. I did search the hash tag a few times on Instagram last year and thought it was quite funny but he does look a like he's a prime suspect to be investigated as part of Yewtree

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    1. I am laughing so hard at this. That's it, no elves in my house

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  2. They creep me right out, the little feckers - it is prob a sign of a youth spent watching too many horror films but I find the idea of a toy elf that comes to life and does weird shit in your house fecking terrifying, so wouldn't inflict it on my kids for that reason alone. (Being far too lazy is another of my reasons!)

    BY THE WAY you already win my word of the day with crotchfruit - genius!

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    1. Exactly, terrifying little shit that it is.

      And thank you, I try to crowbar crotchfruit into at least 1 post a week

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    2. I was also going to remark on "crotchfruit" I snorted into my coffee when I read it.

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  3. I didn't even know this was a thing! Your post deffo gave me a giggle tho! ❤

    Www.queenbeebecca.com

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  4. I don't like him, I don't see how it's Christmassy to have some plastic creepy looking little bastard engage in doggy style sex with a Barbie. Granted, the "ideas" I saw may have been geared towards adults, but I just think it's creepy.

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  5. We do it! I missed the memo on the naughty bit though, so ours just does nice things. I got into it last year, as I was looking for a family tradition to take us through until (I won't say it!) it's not something you can randomly stop either.

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    1. How do you manage to remember to move it around? I'd lose the bloody thing by the 3rd!!!

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  6. Creapy little fecker isnt he!!
    I only became aware of the phenomena last year, and so do not participate myself as its not any part of our family traditions. Although now I think about it, we did use to tell our little brother there was a fairly im the lamp post outside our house, who watched us and reported back to Father Christmas.

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    1. You are to blame for the elf on the shelf idea. :D I BLAME YOU :D

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  7. I don't get it surely it's just bribing them x imagine when they get older urgh you bribed me with a creepy elf lol my mum did all sorts of weird things but I'm so pleased this wasn't a thing

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    1. Me too. Scary little shit.
      The elf, not you :D

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  8. oh and crotchfruit deserves the 2014 award for best phrase

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  9. Bloody brilliant - crotchfruit, I had to read that twice, hilarious! The whole elf concept is pretty creepy, but yes, I do admit to doing it - my kids are 5 & 2 and it still works to buy good behaviour, but I don't buy the official elf, I have a couple of other versions. hey ho, whatever works!

    Mama-andmore.com

    (ps - would love it if you'd link this or any other of your fab posts to All About You linkup, happens on a Tuesday) x

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  10. HA! I do think it's all a bit creepy to be completely honest.... and people really do go a bit silly over it, Elf face down in cornflakes after a rough night, boning a polar bear.... I mean it's all going on in Elf land...

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