Thursday, 4 December 2014

School Nativity HELL

If you have children, are planning children or have friends who have children, then you may be aware of the school phenomenon that is fast approaching. nothing can stand in the way of.......


(Give me a moment, I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it)

The school nativity play you may think, is a time when cute children of school age all perform in front of cooing parents and talk about JESUS.


The school nativity is HELL ON EARTH.

Firstly, let us start with the children. Invariably your child would like to be a King/Angel/Mary/Joseph character. THEY WILL NOT GET THE PART THAT THEY WANT. This is a fact.

The shy child who would rather have their eyeballs grated into their mouths than say one word, will end up being KING 1 (The king with all the best lines)

The child who wants to SHINE and sparkle as an angel will end up being a sheep, (Or the narrator, I WAS ALWAYS THE NARRATOR, all I ever wanted was to be an Angel but NO, never an angel, always a sodding narrator )

You cannot please any child, or parent. (Sometimes, if you get into the playground very early when all the nativity plans are being hatched, you can see a "concerned parent" asking to speak to the teacher to see if little Tommy could please play a role that would better suit his skills, some parents want their children to take centre stage, even if their offspring is the sort of child that will shit on the stage the first chance it gets)

Then there is the learning of the lines. It MAY only be one line, but your child will concentrate with all the concentration of a One Directioner, photoshopping herself into Harry Styles latest selfie, and then, once your child has perfected their line, they will repeat it approximately 13 million times.


Plus, you will learn all the other children's lines because you will have to PRACTICE with your child, oh and sing the songs, WITH THE ACTIONS.

(You can always tell the parents in the audience that have been practicing with their children because at the actual performance, they are the ones doing all the actions perfectly in time and mouthing the words to the whole play along with the children.

PS, Note to new members of the Nativity club, do NOT leave it until the last minute to find your childs nativity costume. Every other parent in the country is doing the same thing, currently a Wise Man costume is harder to find than an ACTUAL wise man.

Your child has their costume, they know their lines. You DID remember to buy tickets didn't you? (I'm not even joking) SIDE NOTE, why is it ALWAYS the same parents in the front row? Is there some sort of VIP section that I am not even aware of?

You attend the nativity, throwing some chancer with worse tickets than yours out of their seat, tutting that they they should have been a little bit more organised. (Stop laughing) and then you sit and watch Primary school performances while sitting behind the tallest parent ever.

Don't forget, no photos, this is frowned upon now. but at the end, CARNAGE. Every parent will be throwing themselves to the front to get a picture of their child in costume.

If you are LUCKY, there will be a Mince Pie and a cup of coffee you can drown yourself in as you watch and sing along, (did you remember the actions?)

If you are unlucky,  you get TWO Mince Pies. (Pssssst, don't eat the mince pies)

Does any of this ring a bell with parents?

Is the Nativity play your annual dose of hell or do you love it? Let me know.

Big Fashionista x x x



  1. Haven't been a Nativity parent for years. However,,as you know I run a Pre-school....! This year we've got 11 2,3 & 4 year olds. 1st time we've not bastardised a beloved story. This year we're singing/children are saying lines.... I freakin' hate it*, every year...parents love it, & spend money at Fayre afterwards! *When mine was in plays, I loved it!

  2. At the age of 5 I was in my school's nativity. I was a horse merchant, I know. I didn't know they were an integral part to the story either but I guess there are only so many surplus farm animals you can have before parents start questioning why the innkeeper didn't just sell a few and have an extension built on his fully booked inn.

    It was a one liner part, but I was damned if I was going to let any one stop me having my moment of glory. When the time came I confidently belted out my line in true child fashion: "CUMMANBUYERBIGSTRONG'ORSESERE". I stepped back, proud of my moment with absolutely no impact to the story whatsoever and the next kid stepped up who had an even more irrelevant part than me ... Jersey cow seller. His line was meant to be "Get your Jersey cows here!" but apparently I'd inspired him because he stepped forward and yelled "COME-AND-BUY-YOUR-BIG ---- errr, I mean .... Jersey cows ..... here!" Amateurs, who'd work with them?

  3. HAHA this is so on point! My little brother has just been cast as a sheep. The most random thing ever!

    Loved reading this, it's just made my day :D

  4. Well this is where I can relive my moment of glory once more.
    First of all, last year, my boy was a shepherd. A proper role. Lots of chorus kids mums moaned and I, smug as you can be, preached about the taking part and no star roles and everyone gets their moment. This year he's in the chorus. I could do a bad murder I'm so sulky about it. Not even a costume!

    But in my own distant youth, being a child of big blue eyes and knee length blonde hair, I was - in year one - of course, the angel. And oh what an angel I made! I loved my costume and my tinsel halo and my big shiny silver foil wings more than I loved my own mother.

    I was a bit nervous before the show - after all, I was the star (well, no, that was Natalie Bland, but you know what I mean) and when my moment came to be THE ANGEL and DO MY LINES I wobbled to the front of the stage, shaking all over, stared at the audience to find my family - mother, grandmother, auntie, all beaming back at me encouragingly - opened my mouth wide, and threw up all over the front row of the audience.

    After that I spent every year stood at the back with a triangle.

    Fucking critics.


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