This is the sad story of how 99p led to the worst nights sleep of my life, the urge to slaughter small animals and the vow of never drinking a glass of water before bed again.
Now unless you've been living under a rock, you've probably heard that Spotify are doing a deal for new customers where they pay 99p for three months of Spotify Premium.
Thats me sorted. Whoo hoo, Now point me in the direction of the Taylor Swift albums please.
But what I also wanted to do was to try to listen to some nice, relaxing, soothing sounds in bed so that I could get a nice, peaceful, restful nights sleep. Well thankfully Spotify have everything (apart from Taylor Swift, it seems) so I settled down last night listening to The Sleep Machine: Rainforest.
WHO KNEW THAT A RAINFOREST COULD BE SO FUCKING ANNOYING?
It started off gently, it reminded me a little of my Lush Soundbath experience, then suddenly, what I can only assume was a bloody parrot or other chirpy fricking birdy decided to insert his two penneth, chirp, chirp, chirp. Chirp, chirp chirp. it was doing my cake in and I was only 1 minute into the first song on the list.
It was time to move onto the next track.
Under a Waterfall (Relaxing Sounds)
Such BARE-FACED lies.
For the first ten seconds, it was bearable, then my bladder started screaming at me that I NEEDED the toilet. it told me that I had not been to the toilet for 17 hours and if I didn't go THIS instant then I would finally get the water bed I had always dreamed of.
So I paused the track and went to the bathroom.
Came back, pressed play, tried to relax and after another 2 minutes, my bladder started screaming that I needed the toilet, I had not been to the toilet in 17 hours and..........
I CHANGED THE TRACK.
I lasted precisely 30 seconds of Country Crickets Sleep Aid Loop before declaring war on all creatures that make noise. What DOES eat crickets? THAT I could listen to.
Next on the list was Seal Cove Pond 10/30 8am.
Now I don't know if there was a forest fire at the time of recording this but I spent a good portion of time worrying my house was burning down around my ears while I was trying to relax.
AND LET US NEVER TALK OF BORNEO JUNGLE OF OASIS. That was no Oasis of calm. THAT WAS AN ABYSS OF HELL.
In case you hadn't guessed, this really wasn't working for me as an aid for a stress free nights sleep.
Relaxing Underwater Sounds for Deep Sleep? Oh hello bathroom.
Ocean Rain? Someone remind me to put toilet roll on my shopping list, please.
By this time I would rather have listened to Taylor Swift singing Shake It Off while inhaling helium than try the next track that I knew was coming up....... Waterfall Constant Roar of a Mountain Waterfall To Reduce Stress.
OH FUCK YOU.
Does ANYONE listen to these sounds and find they aid relaxation? Or am I the only one who found it so UN relaxing that I ended up wide awake and snarly at 3am in the morning?
What do YOU do to aid a good nights sleep?
Let me know, because it's either that or i'm going to have to give Taylor Swift a call.
Big Fashionista x x x