Monday, 2 March 2015

Welcome To My World, Anonymous's story. (trigger warning for self-harm, suicide)


Occasionally, I get emails from people asking if I will allow them to tell their story. I always oblige if I can. This one? This one hurts my heart because I cannot do anything that will help them. All I can do is give them a platform and hope that by writing this down, it will be a kind of therapy for them. 


If you are affected by this story and need to seek help, please contact 

The Samaritans 0845 790 9090
your local doctor. 


I am adding Trigger Warnings to this post, please be aware it contains experiences of self harm and suicidal thoughts, but they have asked me to share their story, and I promised them that I would. 


Their story continues below.



ANON, Welcome to my World


I’ve thought about writing this post, I’d even put pen to paper many a time. And started typing only to delete soon after. But there’s a reason. You see, every few months I update my ‘goodbye’ letters to my friends and family. And here’s why.
This isn’t a woe is me. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge and like I said, great friends. Both real life and on Twitter. (It’s amazing when virtual twitter friends become real friends.) Your whole world opens up. Or at least it does for me. It’s not just about talking about TV, music, sport etc. it’s a chance for me to connect with people like me. People who are damaged but still persist in trying to live their life.
It’s just that sometimes it’s harder than most days. Something bad could happen or something innocuous that throws me and I go straight to Def Con 1 panic mode. My heart and brain start racing – where’s the nearest bridge I could jump off? Where can I jump in front of a train? How quickly can I swallow enough pills to kill me? And they’re constant refrains. Getting louder and louder as my heart beats faster and faster, and I start to feel dizzy and my eyesight goes wavy and I’m crying so hard its physically painful. 
The crying is relatively easy to stop compared to the other things. The best way to stop crying for me is to self-harm. Something even worse than crying, but, it’s what helps me in that moment in time. So much so, that I always carry something sharp in my handbag. Last year it was a Stanley knife and a tile cutter. DIY stores are great for self-harm tools. I wonder why they never market themselves like that? Not really, but it’s just so easy. This year so far, I’m carrying a staple picker and I love puncturing the back of my hands. Seeing the red dots calms me down. So then I use it up my arms. It has to look like a pattern. The ritual of self-harm and the method and the result are all intertwined with my OCD. 
And all this is going on but I still work. And I work full time. Sometimes I wish I was in sheltered housing as then I wouldn’t have to take care of myself. I’m barely taking care of myself as it is. And this hits me with the realisation that no-one needs me but that I need other people. And for someone whom is independent and has never had to rely on anyone else, this is where it gets hard. There’s also a slight dichotomy of how can you care for others if you cannot care for yourself? I don’t have the answer to that. 

The pain of nothingness punches me in the chest. And whilst it resembles nothing, it’s beyond heavy. Like a pachyderm using you as a stepping stone. And it becomes unbearable. And that’s when I start updating my goodbye letters. Have you tried to say goodbye to someone you love in a letter? This isn’t like The Notebook. This is real life. So I read through my previous letters and start writing updated letters. And it calms me down. Because I’m safe with the knowledge that should I take my life, I will at least have tried to explain why to the people I love. And that gives me a modicum of comfort.



Anon.



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5 comments

  1. I wish there was some magical thing i could say or do to help you seer yourself the way everyone else probably sees you, but the works just doesn't work like that. I know it might sound counterintuitive, but re the self harm, if that is helping you keep it together and breath at the moment then don't give yourself a hard time about it. It's a coping mechanism, and it works - that's why you do it. And until you can get something else to fulfil that need, try not to let it trigger that "I hate myself therefore I self harm therefore I hate myself" cycle.
    As for the letters - if writing your thoughts out on paper or typing them helps you feel in control then go for it. But try to keep in mind that every single person you have a letter for would much rather have you around than have your letter telling them why you aren't worthwhile enough to be there. Because you are. Even when you feel you can't cope and you're no good and you just cause trouble for everyone and they'd be better off without you, you are still worthwhile, and as real as those things might feel to you, they are not the truth. Hang in there. I hope you have someone around that you can trust to let inside your head, maybe point you towards some sources of support - because you - at risk of sounding like a make up ad - you are worth it.
    X

    ReplyDelete
  2. My heart hurts for you. As a previous cutter, I have some pretty wicked scars...but none like the ones left inside. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be ok and somehow make you believe it. But, as much as I heard it...I didn't believe it either.
    Please know that you matter. You matter more than you know and you're so much better than you give yourself credit for. Please remember that although I don't know you, you are special to me for sharing. I will think about you often and I will hope and wish for strength for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. To the writer of this, that was hard for me to read. Like the two ladies before me I want to give you a hug and let you rant at me the total stranger. Please please call Samaritans or email them. I know first hand the after effects of suicide.....
    I work on railway. Today I was on a suicide awareness course which was so tough for me as it opened up wounds from not being able to save someone and from the dark dark place I once found myself in.......

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have nothing profound to say other than whoever you are, you are loved and the world is better for having you in it. Please know that. I know how dark this feels. Don't think that no o e needs you. They do. More than you'll ever know.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can totally understand this, I am sending strength and love to you. I know there is little or nothing I can say to help, but know that I care, and if you need somebody to talk to you can Tweet me (@MrsTeePot)

    ReplyDelete

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