Tuesday, 1 December 2015

How To Up Your Blogging Game




Now I know you probably see a lot of these posts each week, but this is the only one you need to really up your blogging game, so stick your coloured hair up in a top knot, do a time check with your Michael Kors watch, stick your tongue in your cheek and buckle up bitches, it's going to be a bumpy ride.


black and white pic of essential blogging kit


Firstly, let us up your hits. The BEST way to do this is to be controversial about a really big blogger. Now I'm not saying insult Zoella's dog or anything, (Don't be a fucking monster) but subtly tweet some shade about someone with a lot of followers, wait for some one to disagree and then BANG, your hits will go up. IF YOU ARE LUCKY, someone else will blog about the disagreement and link to your blog. WHOSE DA IS RISING NOW BABEZ? 


So you have upped your hits, well done. But todays controversy is soon forgotten, bloggers can get over petty squabbles so easily, HOW ANNOYING, right? Now you don't want to get yourself a reputation as a trouble maker just yet so the best thing you can do right now to up your blogging game is SPAM the #PRRequest hashtag. I mean every half an hour or so and do it hard. (Don't forget to add PR Friendly to your bio, otherwise how else will PR's know that you are friendly? You could be missing out. In fact, if you DON'T have PR friendly in your bio, THAT is why everyone else is getting all the invites and gifts and review opportunities, it is the ONLY explanation) Whilst you are spamming the #PRRequest hashtag, don't forget to throw in a sob story every now and then. PR's LOVE that shit. All they ever look for is a sob story. FACT.


Another way to raise your blogging game is to get a little dog, or a cat, or a hamster. Get a stuffed toy for all I care, just get SOMETHING to make your Instagram more attractive. Even the best selfie-laden Instagram gets boring after a while, (You are adding ALL the hashtags to Instagram posts, right? Do I have to teach you EVERYTHING?) STICK A PEONY on the aforementioned animal and your followers will come flocking. Stick the peony covered animal in a COPPER JAR and MY GOD YOU WILL BE INSTAGRAM ROYALTY. 

But Kellie, I hear you ask, "what about our content? Should we work on that too?" and the answer is no. Don't worry about that. No-one else does. HONEST. Blogging isn't hard work. it is just FUN, SEO, DSLR, DA, PA. THESE ARE SENT TO CONFUSE YOU. People should just appreciate you, coz you are you, ok?

Now the last piece of advice I can give you to REALLY up your blogging game is, to leave blogging and denounce social media as BAD. No no, don't panic, you don't REALLY have to leave. Just say you are going to, then everyone will beg you to stay and you will feel great. Try to do this at least once a month to really make people appreciate you and stroke your ego. Feels good doesn't it?





So now you are a big blogger, you have made it with my easy steps..........


Your dog is ugly.


So do you have any more (tongue-in-cheek) tips to raise your blogging game?


Let me know.




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34 comments

  1. I love this. Laughing so hard, and now I'm trying to work out exactly how I shall get my cat to sit in a copper jar (with peony, natch!).

    But Kellie, I fear you have overlooked the need for wallpaper that is made to look like wood (pref. Whitewashed), because in 2016, no one will own tables. Just scraps of B&Q's finest samples, laid out on the floor. Furniture is so 2015....

    Don't forget the fairy lights. They're still a thing, right? And of course, the DSLR, that you cannot use except for on an auto setting. Because if you're gonna spend £600, that tech better do the work for you right?

    ;) xx

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  2. HAHAHAHAHA. I effing love you! Don't forget the requisite coffee shop latte and muffin photo, flat lay pics for everything, matching your nail colour to your menses, stretching exercises for tongues so they can get right up that PR's colon and @-ing brands on Twitter 20 times a day hinting for free prodcut. Lolololol.

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    1. Haha 'matching your nail colour to your menses' - love that. Lol!

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  3. Hahahahaha! My second laugh of the day and it's only 12:35am! Too funny!

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  4. You're forgetting one vital bit of information, you need to take photos of everything you eat before you eat it! Gotta have that food shot! ;)

    www.aymielouise.co.uk

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    Replies
    1. I love this post but I am SO guilty of food spam on my IG! lol xx

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    1. Motherfucking scented candletwats.

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  6. Dude, you forgot the white marble background for flatlays (urgh), the obligatory daily artisan coffee shot, the floppy hats, the endless #blessed tweets/instapics ... oh! And that strange white filter that is supposed to make your pictures look like they glow, but just make everything look dusty.

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  7. Oh babe, I literally LOLED. That's right, I LOL'ed out loud. You are genius, I can't wait to start using these tips right now!
    Bee xxx

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  8. Everyone knows you need a marble tray (gimme all the marble), a pure white house that looks like no one has ever lived in it with a bit of a monochrome say on a pillow or cushion to look edgy and 'cool', a Tom Ford Lipstick, rose gold EVERYTHING, a Pug and a Michael Kors bag bae x

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  9. You forgot the cliché sitting in bed with a coffee on a morning photo (shot at the weekend, posted on Wednesday because duh, everyone knows you do that every single day), a Jo Malone candle (also known as burning £50 but it smells SO good) and maybe some cute notebooks because bitches LOVE stationary.

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  10. never disclose anything free, your readers totally believe that you are just SOOOO #blessed

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  11. You forgot the once-a-month blogger trip because you're SO important. You don't actually have to go on a trip - just make up a hashtag (who checks them anyway) and other bloggers will be really pissed off that they didn't get the invite.

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  12. Kellie you've made me look a loon at work for laughing out loud at this (oops did I just admit I have a full time job as well as blogging?best remove that breakfast in bed shot I posted at 9am this morning whisky in reality I was sat in another meeting). my recent faves have to be taking photos in small clothing/bikinis inside pretending it's not 70mph winds outside.

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  13. FLAT LAY. FLAT LAY EVERYTHING. also, if your blog photos don't have a white background then why are you even online? such a great post, i'm crying x

    www.thedressdiaries.co.uk

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  14. Amazing... I have been away from the blogging world for years and u come back to this! Pahahaha. Genius...

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  15. I just need to clarify, that you should first decapitate the peony or any other such flower for the shot so that it can no longer serve any useful purpose after it's IG shot. You should set aside approximately 40% of your disposable income for florist bills to allow for this.

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  16. Well roger me sideways, this is funnier than dogs and dogs walking into mirrors on YouTube.


    Ooohhh, get more DA and such by setting up accounts just for the ugly hound and crosspost every damn thing. Boom, you own the internet.

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  17. That #prrequest tag.........I read it through my fingers! I love the really big full time bloggers who don't actually blog. Like fuck all, four times a year. That's fun.

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  18. Made me laugh so much, this is my favourite part 'STICK A PEONY on the aforementioned animal and your followers will come flocking. Stick the peony covered animal in a COPPER JAR and MY GOD YOU WILL BE INSTAGRAM ROYALTY. '

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  19. Minnie Mouse anything, bows, grown women dressing as Lizzie Dripping* type deludos (*ask your parents). And CONSTANT open mouthed self-promo smiley shots whilst winking. Close your mouth. Ta muchly.

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  20. And I did denounce the Facebook app on Sunday in a post and was showered in love, so can confirm that your advice is genius.

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  21. Don't forget your legs in a sweater-dress/woolly sock combo next to your artfully ruffled bed linen and Macbook for that 'Sunday Vibe' nobody in the world ever has.

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  22. I'm pretty sure it's ok to call yourself a 'photographer' on all social media bios now if you know how to point and click a camera! :-)

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  23. OOOH I need a copper jar and peonies damn it

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  24. OMG HAHAHA! i love you babe this made me laugh so much its true i see a lot of people doing what you said

    www.beautyandtheboy.com

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  25. I am fairly green to this social media thing but looks like you've figured out the magic formula. I need to get a cute pet, maybe I'll get more likes :)

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  26. WOAH! Dog, peony, copper jar .... too funny! Thanks for the advice, a few things added to my To Do list....
    #TheList

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  27. I swear to friggin god this made me have a tenna moment, I love bastard peonies, so shoot me, I have no marble, shoot me again, as for the cute pet, I have a dog that farts a lot does he count ? all of this perfection was making me feel like a failure, now I know I just need to have a bleedin row online to become super gran , thanks for this giggles babe.
    Lyn | The Lavender Barn

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