Tuesday, 1 December 2015
How To Up Your Blogging Game
Now I know you probably see a lot of these posts each week, but this is the only one you need to really up your blogging game, so stick your coloured hair up in a top knot, do a time check with your Michael Kors watch, stick your tongue in your cheek and buckle up bitches, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
Firstly, let us up your hits. The BEST way to do this is to be controversial about a really big blogger. Now I'm not saying insult Zoella's dog or anything, (Don't be a fucking monster) but subtly tweet some shade about someone with a lot of followers, wait for some one to disagree and then BANG, your hits will go up. IF YOU ARE LUCKY, someone else will blog about the disagreement and link to your blog. WHOSE DA IS RISING NOW BABEZ?
So you have upped your hits, well done. But todays controversy is soon forgotten, bloggers can get over petty squabbles so easily, HOW ANNOYING, right? Now you don't want to get yourself a reputation as a trouble maker just yet so the best thing you can do right now to up your blogging game is SPAM the #PRRequest hashtag. I mean every half an hour or so and do it hard. (Don't forget to add PR Friendly to your bio, otherwise how else will PR's know that you are friendly? You could be missing out. In fact, if you DON'T have PR friendly in your bio, THAT is why everyone else is getting all the invites and gifts and review opportunities, it is the ONLY explanation) Whilst you are spamming the #PRRequest hashtag, don't forget to throw in a sob story every now and then. PR's LOVE that shit. All they ever look for is a sob story. FACT.
Another way to raise your blogging game is to get a little dog, or a cat, or a hamster. Get a stuffed toy for all I care, just get SOMETHING to make your Instagram more attractive. Even the best selfie-laden Instagram gets boring after a while, (You are adding ALL the hashtags to Instagram posts, right? Do I have to teach you EVERYTHING?) STICK A PEONY on the aforementioned animal and your followers will come flocking. Stick the peony covered animal in a COPPER JAR and MY GOD YOU WILL BE INSTAGRAM ROYALTY.
But Kellie, I hear you ask, "what about our content? Should we work on that too?" and the answer is no. Don't worry about that. No-one else does. HONEST. Blogging isn't hard work. it is just FUN, SEO, DSLR, DA, PA. THESE ARE SENT TO CONFUSE YOU. People should just appreciate you, coz you are you, ok?
Now the last piece of advice I can give you to REALLY up your blogging game is, to leave blogging and denounce social media as BAD. No no, don't panic, you don't REALLY have to leave. Just say you are going to, then everyone will beg you to stay and you will feel great. Try to do this at least once a month to really make people appreciate you and stroke your ego. Feels good doesn't it?
So now you are a big blogger, you have made it with my easy steps..........
Your dog is ugly.
So do you have any more (tongue-in-cheek) tips to raise your blogging game?
Let me know.
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