Vaginal Steaming

I'm a contrary madam, if Gwyneth Paltrow says something is good for you, I pretty much go out of my way to do/drink/eat/sleep with the opposite. 

Now Gwynny's latest pearls of wisdom are about vaginal steaming. 

(WHAT IS WITH THE VAGINAL STEAMING LATELY?) 

Now I always thought the hot hair came OUT of Ms Paltrow's mouth, not into her foof. 

But guess I was wrong.

What I'm hoping is, is this vag steaming is not over a kettle. (or at least one that she doesn't use for the guests cup of macrobiotic, shit out of a monkey coffee.

I do not like the sound of this. NOT ONE BIT. 

I tend to think of my vay-jay-jay as a self cleaning oven. It gets a wipe over and no food gets left behind but other than that, I tend to let it be. 

(Sorry for the visions you may now be experiencing) 

I'm SURE that Vaginal steaming is a beautiful experience. But you know what? 

It's not for me, thanks. 

I'll leave the steam cleaning for my jackets thanks.

How about YOU?

Let me know.

Big Fashionista x x x

Dear ASOS

Dear Asos,

I'm sorry to reach out to you this way, but I feel that this is the best way to help you realise that perhaps you need help. I'm only doing this because I love you, you need to know this in advance.

Dear ASOS, we've had some good times, and some bad times over the years but we've always been there for each other and I hope that once I open your eyes to your problem, you will thank me and perhaps we can move on together? I'd like to hope that we can sort through your problems together, but I do know, this cannot continue. 

You need help. 

Asos, I find this hard to say but, you are addicted to photoshop and you aren't always very good at it. 

That looks painful btw. 

I'm sure it started off as it invariably does, with something light, maybe you enhanced someone's complexion, got rid of a few shadows, but then, over time, your addiction got worse. 

MUCH WORSE. 

The thing is Asos, you are addicted and you don't even realise the damage you are doing, not just to yourself but to people out there who don't have super bendy arms or one arm much thinner than the other. How can I ever hope to BE THAT WOMAN? 

Or this one? 

Actually, what the hell happened here? 

Dear Asos, please, get help. (Professional help, or at least someone who has read the manual on Photoshop) 

You can beat this. 

With love, 

Big Fashionista x x 

Outrageous Baby Names

My story of the week so far has to be the couple that have been banned from calling their child Nutella.

Mmmmmmmm, Nutella.

Let us all just stop for a second and wonder WHY a couple would want to name their child Nutella, (I'm very very confused)

I'm all for individuality but Nutella? Really?

I'm actually torn here, I don't think that Nutella is a good name for a child AT ALL, but I I don't think a court should be able to step in and say what people can and cannot name their crotchfruit. 

I know that children tease and any child called Nutella would certainly get more than their fair share of teasing but is it not down to the parents?

I try to never sneer when I hear a celebrity naming their latest money-maker, I mean baby, something outrageous, individuality is a beautiful thing. And even if it is something so silly, like Nutella, a court? Telling people what they can and cannot call a child? 

I don't think I like this at all. 

How about you?

Do you have any thoughts on outrageous baby names?

Let me know.

Big Fashionista x x

Inappropriate Funeral Tunes

I have strange conversations with myself occasionally. (ok, a lot) and I'm sure that I'm not the only one who OCCASIONALLY wonders, if I was dead. What music would be played at my funeral.

Apparently Another One Bites The Dust is not big, brave or clever. (who knew?)

And Relight My Fire is just tacky, allegedly.

But come on. It's a funeral, does it REALLY have to be ALL sad songs if you were the type of person in life that would find it humorous? I hope that when it is my time, (in 61 years time, as I reach orgasm with my toy boy of 78 for the third time that evening) (Tell me I'm not the only person who went, ewwwwwwwww, there?) I get at least ONe highly inappropriate song played at my funeral to make people raise at least a small smile. 

But what about you? 

Would you have played an inappropriate song at YOUR funeral? What would you like played? 

Or even perhaps a sad song (CRY PEOPLE, why don't you GODDAMN CRY?) 

Let me know what you would choose.

Big Fashionista x x 

Tracking apps and emotional abuse

Occasionally I read an article that even a few days later, still chills me to the bone.

THIS article,    

MY HUSBAND SPIES ON ME WITH A SMARTPHONE APP - AND I DON'T CARE AT ALL

is terrifying me, absolutely terrifying me still and I cannot get it out of my mind.

If you haven't read the article, it is worth a read. The wife is being tracked so heavily by her husband that I wouldn't be surprised if he knew every BOWEL movement she makes, let alone anything else. He also tracks the children, and they are late teens, he can spy on her texts, listen to her phone calls, ANYTHING.

And she is comfortable with this, she feels safe and loved.

Now personally it would have me filing a restraining order faster than you can say the words, control issues, but she feels happy enough to not only be okay with it, but to share their story with the world.

Side note, it is interesting how he doesn't seem to have the same technology on his phone, if it is there for "safety" as they say, wouldn't it be wise to be able to track him for the sake of safety as well? hmmmmmmmmmmm, strange that.

Now I will not mock this woman, I will not tell her what she should or shouldn't do. How many people have been emotionally blackmailed slowly over the years to think that this behaviour is normal.

"He does it because he loves me" is a sentence that can send chills down my spine nine times out of ten.




But I would like to hear your thoughts on this issue.

Controlling behaviour?

Concern for his families safety?

Is it innocent do you think? Or do you feel uneasy even reading the article.


Let me know


Big Fashionista x x x

Ex marks the spot

One thing I will fully admit to is that if I am on a bus or sitting somewhere drinking coffee and people are having a conversation, chances are, I will listen to what they are saying. (I will listen) SOMETIMES, you can't help but overhear what is going on as they are talking very loudly, (and sometimes you really have to strain to hear, damn you people wanting your quiet conversations) 

This time, while I was quietly minding my own business in Leeds City Centre, I overhead two men, both in their early twenties discussing why one of them had just dumped his girlfriend. 

I swear, if at any point they had moved away. I would have HAD to have followed them because the reason he gave was both astounding and amazing. I didn't know whether to high five him with my hand, or a chair.

The reason he gave for splitting up with the woman is because when they went out in his car and his music was playing.....

Are you ready for this? 

SHE KEPT SKIPPING HIS FAVOURITE SONG. 

Now I don't know whether he was playing an album, or a playlist but apparently this happened on numerous occasions and it "did his cake in" 

Mmmmmmm cake. 

The other guy seemed to be agreeing with the dumper for his reasons and made reassuring noises in all the right places but, but, DUDE......

It's a song. I don't know if I could dump a man over him not playing my favourite song in the car, perhaps that's just me? Perhaps he has them lining up to date him and there are plenty more people out there who will HAPPILY listen to the Kaiser Chiefs with him. (I didn't recognise the track I'm afraid, it may be that she has a point) 

But it seemed to me to be a strange and quite weird reason for dumping someone, again, perhaps it's just me? 

So what I want to know is what is the strangest/weirdest/most pointless reason that you have dumped someone for? 

Can you outdo this guy? 

Or WOULD you dump someone for skipping your favourite song repeatedly?

Let me know. 

Big Fashionista 

Whatever the Weather.

Ok, so I am pretty damn sick of newspapers screaming at me that it's the winter apocalypse and we are all going to freeze to death, so I have written the weather forecast for the week ahead in a way that pretty much covers it. It's bloody winter, what do people expect? Do the papers think we are really that stupid? I'm sure the Daily Express run the same article about 30ft of snow every year, you know the one? Yep, the one where we are all going to die. 

So if you want to know what the weather holds for you in the week ahead, read on. 

(I may have a new career as a meteorologist here)

Dear UK, 

Much of the UK could be blanketed in up to 15cm of winter over today and tomorrow as temperatures plummet far below freezing.....because it is winter. 

More warnings have been issued for severe winter and freezing winter until Tuesday, with the elderly and anyone with underlying health conditions being urged to keep warm indoors rather than going out into the winter weather which is quite wintery in winter parts. 

Carrbridge, in the Scottish Highlands, is due to see wintery temperatures of -6C over the next 24 hours as one of the winteriest places in Britain. Even southern England is seeing the mercury dip below winter, with Reading in Berkshire expecting -2C, as well as Aylesbury in Buckinghamshire. 

A spokesperson for the Met Office said: “There is a 90 per cent probability of winter weather and winter conditions until noon on Monday in parts of England. This weather could increase the health risks to vulnerable patients and disrupt the delivery of services because winter catches us by surprise every time. Increasingly winter will spread from the North West across England on Thursday night and during Friday, with winter turning more wintry from the north. “Average temperatures are expected to continue falling through the weekend, with a northerly airstream likely to be established by Sunday. Winter is expected to become increasingly widespread through the period, with some extra winter likely in the north on Monday. There may be torrential winter, followed by widespread winter and anywhere in the country should expect outbursts of winter at any time during the winter months. Winter is expected to last for several more months of winter, with a chance of wintery winter spreading across the country until spring. 

The Met Office stated, it is winter, what did you expect?

Have you been in a winter that wasn't your fault? Maybe winter crept up on you unawares? Maybe winter smacked you in the face with its winteriness.  If so, dial, 0800-ITS BLOODY WINTER, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? 

So now I'm dying to know. What's your weather like this week? 

Let me know. 

Big Fashionista x x 

Don't even play

Big Fashionista x

Shutter Day

Big Fashionista x x x 

Nom or Vom

The first Nom or Vom of 2015 and I think it's a good one. 

I've thought about making this guy Nom or Vom for a while now but what better time to introduce him than at the beginning of 2015. There's nothing like a good start to the year is there?

So without any further ado, I bring you the son of Clint, 

Scott Eastwood.

So, ladies and gents. What do we think about Scott Eastwood?

Nom or Vom?

Let me know

Big Fashionista x x x

Tell a Friend they're Awesome, day

So I refuse to give any thought to Steve Miller's "Warn a friend they are fat" day. He's a douche and that is all there is to it.

Instead, I declare today, Tell a friend they are AWESOME, day.

In fact, this doesn't have to be an annual thing, why not tell a friend EVERY DAY that they are awesome, that they are kind, friendly, helpful and most importantly,

Tell a friend that they are LOVED.

This can be an a wonderful journey of life, but it can be sad too, it can for some, be lonely too.

LIFE IS TOO DAMN SHORT TO WARN PEOPLE THEY ARE FAT.

Instead of spreading negativity, why can't we spread positivity. Chances are, your fat friend knows she/he is fat. They genuinely don't need you to point it out to them,

And you know what? (and this may come as a shock to some people) Some people do NOT CARE that they are "fat" Some people are comfortable in their skin and these people are awesome too.

I am going to tell people how amazing they are today and you know what, it will have fuck all to do with their size.

Because someone else's size is none of anyone else's business.

PS, Have I told you that you are awesome?

Because you are.



Big Fashionista x x x

Relaxation, Taylor Swift and the worst nights sleep EVER

This is the sad story of how 99p led to the worst nights sleep of my life, the urge to slaughter small animals and the vow of never drinking a glass of water before bed again. 

Now unless you've been living under a rock, you've probably heard that Spotify are doing a deal for new customers where they pay 99p for three months of Spotify Premium. 

Thats me sorted. Whoo hoo, Now point me in the direction of the Taylor Swift albums please. 

But what I also wanted to do was to try to listen to some nice, relaxing, soothing sounds in bed so that I could get a nice, peaceful, restful nights sleep. Well thankfully Spotify have everything (apart from Taylor Swift, it seems) so I settled down last night listening to The Sleep Machine: Rainforest. 

WHO KNEW THAT A RAINFOREST COULD BE SO FUCKING ANNOYING?

It started off gently, it reminded me a little of my Lush Soundbath experience, then suddenly, what I can only assume was a bloody parrot or other chirpy fricking birdy decided to insert his two penneth, chirp, chirp, chirp. Chirp, chirp chirp. it was doing my cake in and I was only 1 minute into the first song on the list. 

It was time to move onto the next track. 

Under a Waterfall (Relaxing Sounds) 

LIES.

Such BARE-FACED lies. 

For the first ten seconds, it was bearable, then my bladder started screaming at me that I NEEDED the toilet. it told me that I had not been to the toilet for 17 hours and if I didn't go THIS instant then I would finally get the water bed I had always dreamed of. 

So I paused the track and went to the bathroom. 

Came back, pressed play, tried to relax and after another 2 minutes, my bladder started screaming that I needed the toilet, I had not been to the toilet in 17 hours and.......... 

I CHANGED THE TRACK. 

I lasted precisely 30 seconds of Country Crickets Sleep Aid Loop before declaring war on all creatures that make noise. What DOES eat crickets? THAT I could listen to. 

Next on the list was Seal Cove Pond 10/30 8am. 

Now I don't know if there was a forest fire at the time of recording this but I spent a good portion of time worrying my house was burning down around my ears while I was trying to relax. 

AND LET US NEVER TALK OF BORNEO JUNGLE OF OASIS. That was no Oasis of calm. THAT WAS AN ABYSS OF HELL. 

In case you hadn't guessed, this really wasn't working for me as an aid for a stress free nights sleep. 

Relaxing Underwater Sounds for Deep Sleep? Oh hello bathroom. 

Ocean Rain? Someone remind me to put toilet roll on my shopping list, please. 

By this time I would rather have listened to Taylor Swift singing Shake It Off while inhaling helium than try the next track that I knew was coming up....... Waterfall Constant Roar of a Mountain Waterfall To Reduce Stress. 

OH FUCK YOU. 

Does ANYONE listen to these sounds and find they aid relaxation? Or am I the only one who found it so UN relaxing that I ended up wide awake and snarly at 3am in the morning?

What do YOU do to aid a good nights sleep?

Let me know, because it's either that or i'm going to have to give Taylor Swift a call. 

Big Fashionista x x x