Wednesday, 27 January 2016

School Run In PJs? Is It Ever Ok?

You are standing in the playground, your child is well groomed, on time and at the front of the queue chatting to his friends. The bell rings and the children stream into school, excited for another day. As you leave, you see THAT mother. The one who is ALWAYS late, the one whose children are wearing the uniform, but it's not pressed. The children are clean, but have their breakfast around their mouths. You look at the mother, she is still wearing her PJs. You sigh, you look away and you pride yourself on the fact that it isn't you. You walk away, slightly smug that your child is never late. YOU ARE NOT THAT MOTHER.

But wait, do you KNOW this mother?

Do you know her story?

Have you taken the time to make sure SHE is ok? How do you know that she isn't struggling? Maybe she is a single mum, maybe she has been up all night with a teething baby, or sobbing because she doesn't know how she is going to feed her children that week. MAYBE she is always late, in her PJs, rushing from one place to the next, but have you ever taken a second to find out WHY?

Ever offered to hold the buggy while she takes her child to the office to explain why they are late? OR do some people just walk on by, feeling slightly better about THEMSELVES, because that isn't them.

I know I have. I have stood there and said, "Yes but how easy is it to just throw on some clothes?" and it is, FOR ME. But for others, it is just too much. And yes, I get it, there are some people out there that cannot be arsed. But let us not think that EVERYONE who turns up to the school in PJs is just lazy. There may be something more to it.

Instead of judging other people, why don't we offer to help other people anymore? Is it that the only way we can feel smug about our parenting skills is to look at someone who perhaps isn't doing as well as us, and look down on them? I don't want to BE that person.

Do you?

Let me know.


Monday, 25 January 2016

Vaginal Detox? You Know Where You Can Stick That.

We all know that I love a good vagina story. Basically it is an excuse for me to come up with as many different words for your foof as possible.

Last week about 30 people tweeted me about the vaginal detox, now I am hoping that they wanted my opinion on it, rather than thinking that my lady garden needs a detox, (stop smirking at the back)

So I read up a little on this detoxing of your snatch.


Firstly, NO. JUST NO. From what I understand it is like sticking herbal teabags up your muff to restore your vaginal health.

My instant thought was, I am always told that my tea tasted like warm piss anyway, this would just prove it. 

Let us get one thing straight. YOU DO NOT NEED TO DETOX YOUR LOVE TUNNEL. (Don't worry, I shuddered at that one too) 

Your crack does not need detoxing, your womb does not need herbal remedies to restore a feminine balance and you certainly do not need to stick the equivalent of a Glade Air freshener (other brands also available) into your cunt to restore its Chakras.

Your vagina is NOT dirty and it does NOT need a detox, in the same way that it doesn't need deodorising, to be freshened or to be cleansed.

For the love of all things holy, LEAVE your chuff alone.

Now who wants a cup of tea?


Sunday, 24 January 2016

Things You Should Know If You Date A Blogger

So a magazine which apparently LOVES and appreciates bloggers has an article out which is titled 15 things you should know before dating a girl that blogs.

Whether it is tongue in cheek or not, personally, I think it is a crock of shit.

So as a blogger myself, (When I can be arsed) I thought I would try to come up with a list about things you should know before you date a blogger........



Oh thats right, I can't. Not ALL bloggers like Peonies and Rose-Gold shit.

Not all bloggers like freebies or to gossip about people behind their backs, and WHO THE FUCK has time to tidy their room, because, you know. LIFE.

There are male bloggers, female bloggers, mummy bloggers, beauty bloggers, lifestyle bloggers, shit bloggers and good bloggers.

Want to date someone who blogs?

I can't help you, because I refuse to put people in tiny little boxes of cliches for cheap clicks.

Drops mic.

Walks away.


Monday, 18 January 2016

Cassandra'ing your Selfie

I LOVE A GOOD SELFIE, I have mentioned many times that I am a huge fan of people taking pictures of themselves. You felt your look and you felt SO DAMN good that you wanted to take a picture. Whether it is to commemorate your look or to share with others, I don't care about the mentality behind it, I just love that people have that confidence, in that moment, to take the picture.

HOWEVER, lately, I have noticed an alarming trend in "Cassandra'ing" pictures.

If you have just sat there and thought, ???????????? then let me explain.

This is Cassandra, from Dr Who,

Recognise her look? You may have seen similar on Instagram recently, I know I have.

Absolutely NO features, no colour and no LIFE, just a flat image that looks nothing like the person in the picture. You can't see anything of the person, they look a little like a plastic doll. I really don't understand why people do it. Oh and a little side note, NOBODY HAS EYES THAT WHITE.

Have you seen more and more people Cassandra'ing their selfies?

What do you think of it?

Harmless or slightly creepy?

Let me know.


Thursday, 14 January 2016

Pre-Wedding Nightmares

So with EXACTLY 4 months to go until my wedding, I have had my first wedding related dream.

Picture the scene.

It is the day of the wedding, I look down and I am wearing a pink suede dress, (I don't know) I am bare foot, I HAVEN'T shaved my legs and I am pretty sure I smell. My hair isn't done, I am wearing no make up, and then suddenly a coach load of guests, WHO I DON'T KNOW have turned up, all drunk, (Oh hang on, I may know them then) and I am apologising for the lack of chairs at my wedding. All I remember saying in my dream was, "I'm sorry, I thought I had sorted this, I thought I had more time"

and did I mention that my wedding cake was a Pork Pie? (Although I don't think my husband to be would have a problem with that. Perhaps I should check that he hasn't changed the order)

Oh hello, subconscious telling me to get a move on. Thanks for that not-so-subtle kick up the behind to get a move on.

I woke up this morning with a plan to make sure that there is NO pink suede ANYWHERE near my wedding. An urge to double check all the companies have the correct details and an urge to make a table plan.

So brides and bridegrooms, I'm not alone in having this wedding dream, am I? Tell me I am normal (well, normal-ish) and share with me your pre-wedding dreams. It will make me feel a LOT better than I currently am. (PANIC STATIONS.

Let me know.


Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Don't Be Like Emily

Meet Emily, Emily is a judgemental bitch used by someone to shame others for what they do.

I do not like Emily.

These are just a few of the pictures from the page.

Oh and my all time favourite ones. (sarcasm) 

Some one has issues right?

Emily is from a Facebook page. Emily is a shaming, judging little STICK who is a weapon for whoever created the page to create snarky little pictures and sarcastic little comments from behind a cloak of anonymity. 

Be Smart, 

Don't Be Like Emily. 


Monday, 11 January 2016

How To's, Blogging Clones and Being A Bad Ass.

It is 2016, can we JUST STOP with the "How To Be The Best Blogger In The Whole Wide World" posts now, please?

The tutorials, the step-by-step guide to being the next big thing, the How not to's, can we just STOP?

Here is the reality.

You are meant to fail, your blog is meant to be SO bad that only two people read it, (and neither of them write comments) you are meant to give up on it.

And THEN, you will get a bit better, you will develop your own style, then one morning you will write something and TEN people will read it, and you are amazed. You will get your first comment and you will BURST with pride. The feeling of hitting 100 hits on a post for the very first time? WOW.

Then no-one will read again, and you will be plagued with self-doubt. You will change your header 15 times, you will tinker with the layout, hone your skills and you will see those numbers increasing over time or you won't, you are MEANT to look back on your early posts and CRINGE SO HARD and then have a quick internal debate over whether you actually delete them so that they never see the light of day again or whether you are going to leave them there so that you can see how far you have actually developed in style.

There is NO quick route to being the best blogger in the world, and what always concerns me with blogger tutorial posts on how to get bigger and better is that, yes, those tips and tricks may have worked for them, but that is them, it is not you, it is not me. There are hundreds of thousands of blogs out there, some good, some bad, if everyone is following "Ten Tips To Be A Bad-Ass Blogger, how are you going to stand out and actually BE a Bad-Ass blogger?

Are you even you anymore?  

I could wrap this up with a paragraph or seven about being the best you that you can be, but quite frankly, that is a crap saying and I'm not going to preach blogging to anyone, at any time. It always concerns me when people take it upon themselves to bless the rest of the world with their blogging knowledge, as if they are doing everyone else a favour. Who wants to be a blogging clone anyway?

Not me.

How about you?

Friday, 8 January 2016

Nom or Vom

Happy 2016, everyone. 

It's the first Nom or Vom of 2016 and I wanted to make it a good one. This guy is someone who I watched in a small film recently, I hope it does well, ;D

(Seriously though, anyone else seen Star Wars and cried all the way through it from the sheer emotion of just being there? Or was that just me?)

So this week's Nom or Vom is someone who I didn't even know was in the film, he's signed up for at least one of the follow up films I hear so you can drink your fill of Poe Cameron to your hearts content. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you,

Oscar Isaac. 

What do we think, everyone? 

Oscar Isaac, Nom or Vom?

Let me know. 

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Body Shaming and Clothing Companies

Welcome to the year 2016 where companies STILL think that the way to get us to buy their clothes is to make us feel so disgusted by ourselves we have no option but to buy pretty dresses to make us feel better.


Ain't going to happen. Listen up clothing companies, I do not care if for eleven months of the year you spend your time building up women, urging them to love themselves, take care of themselves, OWN THE FUCKING BODY they are in, if you spend January trying to get people to "Violently contour their double chin" then you are a DICK. You are a dick of epic proportion, you are SO MUCH OF A DICK that if you are going to violently contour anything, it should be your dickness.

I do not want clothing companies to decide what body I should or shouldn't have. It isn't their issue/problem/GODDAMN RIGHT, to interfere and become the body police, in the same way as clothing companies do not get to decide whether something is flattering on me, or whether I should dress demurely. IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. 

So clothing companies that decide to body shame this January, (Or February, March, or any goddamn month of the year) be aware, we are WISE to your ways, there are people out there that make clothes for me to put on my body who do not care if I ate my own bodyweight in cheese (No regrets) this christmas. They just care about making clothes.

They stay in their lane, which is to make the clothes and take the money which I choose where I spend, wisely.

Tell me once more to contour my chin, start my diet tomorrow or hide under a cape because it is flattering, so help me God, I will never, ever spend my money with you again, and face it. There are a LOT of women out there, of ALL sizes, who feel the same. WE WILL NOT BE SHAMED INTO BUYING YOUR CLOTHES.

How do we all feel about this? Are YOU fed up of clothing companies this January?

Let me know.

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