Friday, 15 July 2016

24 Hours in the life of a Pokemon Go newbie

So my intention was to download Pokemon Go, not understand it, and then possibly write about it for a blog post. Here follows, 24 hours that are possibly the strangest ever 24 hours in my life.

It started so simply, I saw the tweet that said, Pokemon Go is now available in the UK and decided to give it a whirl. I had resisted the urge to download from the US app store but now it was available, time to get my game on.

Now I remember the original Pokemon craze, I remember Pokemon CARDS, do I know my Rattata from my Ryhorn? No, no I don't. (Did I have to look up those names? Yes, yes I did) I am a NOOB, I know nothing, I was like your gran with a Smart TV, I enjoyed styling my outfit though, OOTD has never looked so good.

The game FINALLY loaded and I was in. My first thought, oh Sweet Jesus, I have made a TERRIBLE mistake, my second thought was, is it wrong to fancy Professor Willow?

It isn't, is it?

Then it started to get a little weird, asking on twitter for help on how to play the stupid game, resulted in a random stranger telling me to end myself. Apparently, not knowing how to play the game is stupid and anyway it isn't a game, its a lifestyle according to him and I should be ashamed of myself.

I called him wankpuffin and moved on.

It was time to catch Pokemon.

Forget, Do you remember where you where when you heard Princess Diana had died, now it is, do you remember catching your first Pokemon. Mine was a Squirtle. The last time I caught a Squirtle, two days of Immodium and lots of water later, I swore I never wanted to go through that again.... Oh hang on, I think I'm confused again. I caught the Squirtle and discovered that the Church across the road is a Pokestop and I NEVER HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AGAIN.

All you guys that are raving about getting more exercise? Suck it, bitches, I'm picking up Poke Balls and potions in my PJS, yo.

So I visit the Pokestop all day, I'm catching Pokemons like teenagers catch STDs (Throwing my balls around without due care and attention) and I even caught some more Pokemon on the way to pick up my child from school. I'm levelling up fast and before I know it.


Nope, me either. but now it is time for me to join a team. My gang, my homies, my family. Now I don't know whether once you join a team you are theirs forever but I am going to take my decision seriously. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH RED, I LIKE RED COZ it goes with EVERYTHING. (And according to twitter, Team Valor holds the Gym at Stonehenge)

So I am now Team Valor and I have to take a trip into Leeds Town Centre for an event. I charge up my phone, I pray to the gods at o2 that I don't plow through my data like Theresa May plows through a cabinet and I set off.


I started downloading Pokemon Go at 11am in the morning, At 6.30pm I was standing on The Headrow in Leeds City Centre, trying to catch a Jynx that kept jumping out of the goddamn ball. swearing at my phone, "Stay in the ball, you slag" "Little Jynxy bitch has jumped out again" "Oh you muthafucka"

How did it all go downhill so fast?

My 14 year old son WALKED AWAY FROM ME on The Headrow, muttering something about putting me in a home and never coming to visit. I never caught my Jynx. (I think it is going to be a bit of a nemesis for me.) and I probably tripped over my own feet a thousand times. My husband thinks I am mad and is questioning my ability to adult. I keep looking at other adults on their phone and smiling, knowingly, at them, and this post would have been up quicker but I had to catch a Ghastly.

Here endeth the first 24 hours of my life as a Pokemon Trainer.
Am I mad? Are you caught up in the craze of Pokemon yet?


Let me know.



  1. ...This happened to me, minus the Pokestop across the road because I live in the middle of fucking nowhere. I did catch one at the gym this morning though :D

    Jess xo | The Indigo Hours

    1. It's taking over our lives. And I'm not even sorry. LOL

  2. Excellent use of the term Wankpuffin.

    And I have a Pokemon gym over the road from my flat that is just out of radius when I'm in bed God damn it.

  3. I'm next to a pokestop too... but haven't caught anywhere near as many as Zack has so far!! :(

  4. I ended up spraining my ankle playing Pokemon Go. Everyone is judging me for this but I am not ashamed. At. All. I'm wanna be the very best.

  5. I totally ended up on the bandwagon and lost an entire lunch break trying to catch one of the little feckers in the office car park!

    Life as I know it is over!

    Emma |

  6. This was hilarious!!
    I haven't downloaded it because I a) know nothing about Pokemon and b) know it will take over my life! But it's so funny seeing everyone running around all crazy in a virtual reality world haha!


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