Tuesday, 10 January 2017
I Don't Like Mondays
Can I just fill you in on my Monday Morning? My apologies, this is probably REALLY self-indulgent but I need to share.
My alarm goes off at 7am Monday. It's the start of a new week, fresh beginnings and all that bollocks and I am going to grab Monday by the scruff of the neck and make it my bitch, RIGHT?
I hit the alarm on my phone and my phone goes skidding off the bedside table, onto the laminated floor with a crash that is so hard that just for a second, I pray that the crack was my ankle bone or something.
I jump out of bed, Sweet JESUS, the floor is so cold that I wonder if I have been pranked by being airlifted to the Arctic overnight. I fumble for my slippers, WHICH AREN'T THERE, and gently scoop up my phone with more tenderness than when any of my children have fallen down.
THE PHONE IS OK, People, it is ok. I don't know where my slippers are and my house is freezing but the phone is not broken. By the way, did the temperature drop by 30 degrees overnight? Who knows. I stumble up the stairs in search of liquids to fuel me (Coffee) the dog follows behind me, bashing me out of the way, making me wonder, just for a second, whether that bargain with God, my phone for my ankle, was such a good idea, AND I AM BLOODY FREEZING. I put the kettle on, (It's not my colour, so I take it off again) and go out for a quick cigarette to warm up outside.
The dog just stands there shaking like a leaf, panting like Donald Trump backstage at Miss World. Oh, Jesus, the dog has a mighty erection. It is 7am in the morning, Ain't no-one got time for this. I go in, pour the coffee, the dog trails in behind me, dripping on the floor boards. AND IT IS STILL COLD. grabbing my coffee, I check the thermostat, it says the room is 13 degrees and it is heating it up to 20, currently. I BEG TO FUCKING DIFFER.
I turn to the dog, he can't look me in the eye and I am trying to ONLY look in his eyes. This isn't going to work. He needs a distraction. I give him a jumbone to gnaw on (What? It works for me) whilst I go and check the radiators. Nope the radiators are not on. Which kinds sucks because I put a load of washing over the radiator last night, INCLUDING MY ONLY GOOD BRA, and it is all still wet.
ONE BRA? I hear you gasp, You dirty tramp, how do you manage to only have ONE bra? Well let me tell you. I am a 36GG, Those babies are NOT cheap, and for some reason, they all decided to end their lives at around about the same time over xmas. When I say end their lives, I mean by trying to end mine. That sudden stabbing pain in the rib case the NHS tell you to worry about. BRA WIRES. Over the last few weeks I have been impaled on more bra wires than...... well, we will just leave that one there. suffice to say, I am hand washing my bra of a night and hanging it over the radiator to dry. EXCEPT THE RADIATOR IS NOT ON, and now my bra is soaking wet, AND I AM FREEZING, and the dog's erection has still not gone down, and has anyone seen my Foundation?
Ah, yes, the foundation problem. I am currently riding out a Kidney infection that has left me feeling, (looking) like crap. If I have to work through it, I'm damn well going to look the best I can, rather than look as if I was dug up, fresh this morning. But I cannot find my foundation, and my bra is still wet and the radiators are not working and Oh god, we have no hot water!!!!! AND THE DOG STILL HAS AN ERECTION.
Fuck this shit. I put on the bra, (If watching me do that, isn't enough to make the dog lose his erection then I am bang out of ideas) I throw on some clothes, There is nothing in the house to make packed lunches, there is a scream of laughter from the living room. Oh joy, the ten year old is up and has noticed the dog's penis. I distract her by telling her we now live in the Arctic, she realises it is cold and goes to get dressed, still giggling like a.....well, ten year old.
By now, my bra is starting to freeze. Which means I now have icicles for tits. If I ever need a Gladiators name, it is going to be 'Ice Tits. I think the cold started going to my brain at this point. Did I make coffee? Has the dog's erection began to subside? He is nearly 15, I'm worried about his heart at this point. I throw him another Jumbone and make another coffee, pressing it against my bra to try to warm myself up a bit. The coffee, not the dog's erection.
It's raining, of course it is raining. This is a good thing though, it means I can have my hood up and not scare any neighbourhood children before 9am. (I like to save that treat for Lunchtime) I see off two children, I walk the other one to school, on the way back from the school, a car drives past and splashes me with cuddly puddle water.
The only part of me that is now dry, is my bra.
And that was my Monday.
How was yours?
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