Thursday, 12 January 2017


Ok, I am in shock. Apparently, as a woman. I have been doing Facebook ALL WRONG!!

Who knew? I didn't, did you? Now thankfully, Andy Hill, of The Metro, is here to tell us, where and how, women are doing Facebook all wrong.


I will link to the attempt to be controversial article at the bottom of my post if you feel like wasting a click, but if you don't, I GOT YOU BOO, let me summarise Andy's thoughts.

Firstly, women, we must stop saying it is "Wine O'Clock" Apparently, there is no such time.
Andy, THANK GOD FOR YOU. I genuinely thought that this was a real time and that I HAD to partake of a Shiraz at a certain time of the evening. But wait,  Andy then goes ahead and gives us permission to neck a bottle of wine for breakfast if we want to. I think Andy is a dick.

Next, Andy suggests we stop it with the snapshots of mediocre food. Oh he then wittily adds a picture of what looks like a turd on a plate just to really hammer home what mediocre food it. Andy is such a card.

Passive aggressive status updates are next on the list for Andy. Newsflash Andy, This is not exclusively done by women. Some of the post passive aggressive statements on social media are by men. (Cough, Donald Trump, cough)  Also Andy drops in that we must stop mentioning when we are going to have/have just had a friend cull. AGAIN, this is not just women. Anyone else starting to think that Andy has a problem with women?

Andy turns his attention to women firstly showing off and then moaning about their kids next. I worry that Andy has far too much time on his hands. At this point, may I suggest that Andy needs to deactivate HIS Facebook, or have a cull. He doesn't even have to announce he is having a cull. he can just do it. I recommend it. The poor man is obviously STRESSED OUT by social media, and women, He is REALLY stressed out by women. (I think Andy is single, or has recently been dumped)

Do you know what I am sick of, Andy from The Metro?  I AM SICK of MEN/MEDIA/EVERYONE trying to tell women what they should or shouldn't do. From what we WEAR, to what we post on Facebook. Somewhere out there, there will be a concerned MAN, telling us that we are doing it WRONG. ALL WRONG. "HERE IS HOW YOU SHOULD DO IT WOMEN, Let me show you the CORRECT WAY to do it. THIS is the way I WANT you to do it.

FUCK OFF, I am SICK of it. Absolutely sick of it. It is MY body, My Facebook, My rules. I will live my life MY WAY. I don't live my life for men, so I will NOT run it the way they want me to.

How about you?

*I did say I would link to the original article at the bottom but you know what. Fuck it, I am not giving them the satisfaction of click through traffic or a link. They can do one. Google it.



  1. His Twitter profile is amusing - all four tweets of it. Top guy to be giving social media advice, right?

    1. I don't need to tweet my own stuff. Major publishers do it for me :-)

    2. That's nice, dear. The BBC just made a documentary (two, actually, one for radio, and one for that nice tellybox) about my life, do I win?

    3. Go on, I'm truly interested. What's the story?

    4. Social media, and how to do it.

      You should tune in.

  2. Agreed! Not just woman. I agree Andy can fuck off 😂👍🏼

  3. Hey! There's really no need to be upset. I wrote this as a joke, as I hoped was clear. It doesn't represent my usual output. Many found it funny, I'm sorry you didn't. Lay off the all-caps (am I allowed to suggest that, gender aside, one writer to another?)

    For the record, as a stay-at-home dad, I have immense respect for women. 90% of my friends are women, as is my kickass wife and the vast majority of my clients.

    Have a lovely day whatever you're up to :-)

    1. Hey Andy, There's really no need to be upset. I wrote this as a joke, as I hoped was clear, (perhaps sarcasm is beyond your remit?). It totally does represent my usual output. Many women found it funny, I'm sorry you didn't get it. Lay off the telling women what to do, even here. (am I allowed to suggest that, one human to another?)

      For the record, as a woman, I have immense respect for men. Some of my best friends are men. Even my husband is a man.
      What's up, Andy? Time of the month?

      Have a lovely day whatever you're up

    2. Mimicry is totally the highest form of wit, closely followed by period gags.

    3. And sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but the highest form of intelligence.

  4. Yeah, lay off Kellie, you bitch! Some of his best friends are women! It's just bants! What's wrong with you, Kellie? Can't you take a joke? You big humourless feminazi!!! Leave the poor boy alone, he's just doing what writers do! Criticising people! He's defenceless! Like all middle class white men! How dare you!

    1. Did you just assume my gender?!

    2. Dude, you called yourself a stay-at-home dad. Do you even read your own stuff?

    3. Nah, millions of people do that for me :-)

      Let's stop sniping. I am sorry my piece offended. I see it was a little mysogynist, and I could have written it gender-neutral. End of the day, just like you, I'm a writer, and in my specific case in terms of commercial work (which that listicle totally was) I'm employed based on clicks and engagement. By those measures this was a successful piece.

      I would really like to redress the balance. I have a voice at Metro, I'd genuinely like to use it for good.

      I'd like to ask a question, please, about this issue. I'd love to write something about 'What men can do to genuinely appease radical feminists'. I know you scoff when I rattle on about my female friends and so on, but how else other than how I live and the company I keep can I be judged?

      For get the listicle, I vaguely regret it now for what it's worth. How can I use my platform to make women happy?

      (please don't say 'put your head in a blender', enough people have suggested that over the past 24 hours)

    4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    5. "radical feminists"

      We're just women who see ourselves as equals, not to be laughed at, mate; not radical.

      There should be no 'men appeasing feminists' - 'radical' or otherwise. Just, y'know, humans respecting other humans and treating them as equal.

    6. If you genuinely want to use your voice for good, ask your editor to withdraw that article, and never, *ever*, write a piece like it again. Then, using your platform, make a public apology for adding to the sum of low-grade misogyny on the planet, as you realised it was wrong.

      As for this: "What men can do to genuinely appease radical feminists'" I politely suggest that you stick it up your arse, you mansplaining cockwomble. If you genuinely only see women as "friends" and "radical feminists needing appeasement" your misogynist tendencies run far, far, far deeper than previously suspected.

      Here's a thought: think of women as people. Treat them like people. Treat them like humans, even. Try not to think of them as another species. Stop "othering" them. Stop fucking patronising them. Stop thinking that because something is a "joke", that it's okay. It's not. Would you write a piece about "how to genuinely appease an angry black person"? Think about why one is okay (to you) and the other might not be.

      Be a friend to women, ALL WOMEN, not just the one you're married to, and stop, for the love of God, telling women to tell you how to be a better person. Just be better. DO better.

    7. And one final thing: whatever you were paid for that piece of crap, you should donate it to a women's charity. If you profit from spreading misogyny, you're a misogynist. "A little misogynist" my shiny arse.

    8. You lost me at "What can men do to appease radical feminists" It just goes to show how misogynistic you really are, if that is your first thought for an article.

      Here are some better ideas for articles you could have come up with.

      How men can support women in their fight for equality, without taking over.

      10 things that men do to undermine feminism.

      Things we can teach our sons about feminism.

      Why women don't like being called radical for wanting equality.

      Start there, perhaps?

    9. Ok, at least one of those will happen. Keep an eye out.

  5. Kellie you just gave him his pitches for a week! Hahaaaaa howling at these comments!

    1. Please be nice, I'm genuinely doing my best to be conciliatory and respectful in your space. Believe it or not I'm not a terrible guy, I do my best, and I want to make amends. Would you be up for PMing somehow to figure out some stuff in depth?

      My email: If you – like me – really want to make some worthy content (that, yes, is also funny and engaging and not exclusive to one viewpoint) to break the deadlock, let's talk.

      (Totally kicking myself for the use of 'radical')

  6. You know, if you think you're being nice and conciliatory, but everyone else assumes - by reading your own words! - that you're being an arrogant arsehole, maybe the problem is on your own side of the keyboard.

    Don't say twatty things then blame the person reading them. Blame yourself for having been twatty. And again, STOP ASKING WOMEN TO FIX THE PROBLEM YOU CREATED. You being a "little bit misogynist" is entirely a problem of your own making. Fix it yourself. Stop making it Kellie's fault you did something you should rightly be shamed of. It's not Kellie's problem to fx, and you've no business making it so.

    You want to be thought of as a "good guy"? BE a good guy. Show us with your actions, and don't expect praise for simply existing.

    1. Dude, I think you're being a little harsh. I've literally given out my personal email. I'm not blaming anyone. I don't want to create hate. If, through my own biases and background and so on, I'm stepping on toes then I apologise. And I want to make it right. Why else would I engage like this? I'm BEING a good guy, or trying to, by looking to work together with y'all and make content in future that satisfies both my audience and yours.

      Meanwhile, in the background, in real life, I'm just about to bath my 2 year old and cook dinner for my wife #mysogynist #othering #cockwomble

    2. Seriously, go back and re-read your comments, you've boasted about "millions" of people reading your articles, of having "major media companies" to do your tweeting for you, and you've not presented anything resembling your own plan of how to make it right aside from begging a woman - whose writing style you've insulted - to do it for you. If you can't see why you might come across as an arrogant asshat as a result of what you, yourself, are saying here, why should we - women - fix you? What are your plans? Be proactive, do something, make your own plan, ask for feedback, but don't make it a woman's problem to fix. You wrote something stupid. Then continued to write stupid things when attempting to "be a good guy".

      If you're continually being stupid, why does it fall to us to "be nice" to you? You insulted an entire gender, then got butthurt because some of them called you out on it. You're the one in the wrong, I politely remind you.

    3. Sadly I conclude you don't want to collaborate. I'm contrite, genuinely sorry. I acknowledge your concerns, and am explicitly seeking a way forward that's satisfactory to al (fyi, I've hoovered my flat, put the washing on, bathed my baby and cooked dinner for a woman working late at an awesome, important job. In the name of feminism. What have you done?)

      You just want to hate me, for making a trivial bollocks clickbait article about facebook.

      Fine. Enjoy your moral authority.

    4. Er, NOPE.

      You don't get to try to turn this around as if you are hard done by. Your comments reek of "POOR ME, look at how hard done by I am" and "I'm SOOOOOOOOO misunderstood" it is pointless to try to even try to talk to you when you are too blind to see what you are.

      Even now, you are talking about all the things you have done as if you deserve a medal for them. You are a parent, suck it up and get on with it, or stick it on Facebook if you want. I'm sure you'll get some likes there.

    5. I'm really not self pitying. Neither am I blind. You know what I am going to write about? About how this kind of behaviour – right-thinking, ethical, well-meaning people like you and your followers, pursuing a just cause – enabled Trump to become president. Allow me to explain. If I, as a guy, a nice guy, who lives his life by feminist principles, has never subjugated a woman in his life, indeed spends his life supporting a woman in her career, can't even be allowed to work to create a platform and consensus we can both get on board with (as I've repeatedly tried to do here), because you find it more fun to be on the attack and virtue signal to each other, then we're screwed. You force polarity and foster resentment for, what, 1,000 views?

      Seriously, to boil it down... there's nothing I can say to satisfy you is there? I wrote a daft listicle to get a bit of a facebook ruckus going, get some likes, create some lols, for my employer. I wasn't questioning the feminist struggle, the gender pay gap, rape culture (all of which I acknowledge, and abhor). I was merely pointing out how some - SOME! - girls bang on about their kids a bit too much, post pictures of crap food and seem to think a friend cull is the biggest deal in the world. IT. WAS. A. FRICKING. JOKE. Guys are just as bad, indeed I pillory them in the first paragraph.

      Imagine if you actually, honestly decided to reach out, and chose to be constructive. We could build a coalition, mix views, have an honest debate. Be friends. Be allies.

      But nah.

    6. Actually, no, I don't "want to hate" anyone. I want to like you, actually. What I really want - as I believe I've mentioned several times now - is for you to DO something for yourself, and to stop with the passive aggressive "radical feminists who must be appeased because they're all picking on poor little me" bullshit.

      You've been given, several times, ideas on what you could possibly do. You've either ignored them, or missed them in your desperation to tell us how wonderful you are for a) being a journalist b) being a dad and c) supporting a woman. Here's the thing though, women deal with being treated shittily (in ways both large and small) every single day, by men who simply don't realise that these jokes and "stupid little articles about Facebook" just add to the sum total of tiny miseries we HAVE to endure every day.

      Then if, as happens occasionally, we get annoyed by it, and call it out, we get told it's our fault, we're being "over sensitive", we should "be nice", and then get told it's our job to fix it.

      You wrote that "stupid little article". No one held a gun to your head. You even got paid for it. You even thought it was funny, Because of your "own biases" you didn't even realise that there could even possibly be another way to read that damn article, and now you're feeling attacked and under fire because people are pointing out what they think you did wrong.

      Irony much? The only difference between your experience here, and women's experience every single fucking day is that no one is telling you to be fucking "nice" about it. You're lucky, you know, you don't read articles every day telling you you're too old, you're too young, you're too fat, too thin, too single, too motherly, not nice enough, too ugly, too bossy, too sassy, too assertive, too *anything* because
      you're a man, and you won't even have
      noticed that women get told - by men - every single day that what they are is both too much, and not enough.

      The problem here isn't that we - women - are doing things wrong. It's that you, a man, is judging them simply for being, and then simply joining in the chorus of "women, know your place". And you want fucking applause whilst you do it. I don't give a single shiny shit what you "do" for your wife, I'm not your wife, I give a shit what you say, publicly, about the women you're not married to.

      Well, here's your applause: one slow
      handclap coming up. Go make a public apology for "accidentally" being a "little misogynist" (though I'd recommend you learn to spell it properly first), go write an article about hope you can help women - not fucking "radical feminists" - in their fight for equality and fairness for all, and stop being a whiny little man-baby when people point out that the words you keep using don't mean what you thought they meant.

      If you'd come on here and just said "sorry, I fucked up, how can I make amends?" instead of boasting of your good guy credentials, your "millions" of readers, your major media company at your beck and call, your criticism of Kellie, your "vague" feeling of discomfort, you'd have had an easier ride.

      Own your mistakes, we're not unreasonable, people make mistakes, what matters is how you fix your shit. It's not our shot to fix though.

    7. "I'm really not self pitying … If I, as a guy, a nice guy … can't even be allowed to …" for someone not pitying themselves, you do a good impression of someone who is.

      "you and your followers … enabled Trump to become president" Seriously, :headtilt: R U OK, hun?

      "there's nothing I can say to satisfy you is there?" There is, it has been pointed out a few times. "I'm sorry, I won't do it again". Not so hard is it?

      "I wrote a daft listicle … for my employer." I was only following orders! You could have said no though, you being a man who lives by feminist principles, and all. You being a feminist makes it worse, not better - you betrayed those principles you live by for a "listicle". A bloody listicle! A misogynist listicle.

      "IT. WAS. A. FRICKING. JOKE" jokes backfire, sugarplum.

      You made a mistake, admit it, apologise. Stop justifying, stopping bugging yourself up to make others feel small, you're making yourself look worse than you are.

      FWIW, I KNOW your article was a joke. I know you didn't put more than 30 seconds thought into it. I know you are probably a really nice guy, a good guy, one who genuinely doesn't mean any harm whatsoever. You wrote a poorly judged article for money. No one really bears you any ill-will for it. You've sure as arseholes been a complete chump *here* though. You've been offered advice and opportunities galore to turn this ill-advised situation around, but you keep making it about how women are the problem - from your very first post here to every post since, you've blamed the readers, your boss, Kellie, women generally. As my old mum used to say: "when you're in a hole, stop digging". Man up, apologise, don't do it again. Simple. Job done. No ill will.

      But for for crying out loud, don't blame women for Trump, that's downright moronic.

    8. So, basically Andy wants us to put up with his (self acknowledged baiting article) and not comment rightly or justly, because that's what caused Trump.

      Yeah. Shut the fuck ladies. Take the 'ledge bants' as the joke they are, but don't have the self possession to rail against it, because if you do you'll be responsible for all the injustice in the world.

      Nice trap you have us in there Andy.

      You utter fucking bellend.

    9. I'd also like to add something:

      Your little 'feminist' task list. What the *actual* fuck? Do you want a medal? That's not a list asserting your feminist principles. That's a list of 'being an adult'. What has Kellie or Louise done for feminism?! How *dare* you throw a list of tasks of basic survival at them and imply you do more for feminism than them.

      They exist as women in the world, they have jobs, they are not shy to speak in person and on line about what they believe and hold dear. And they are not afeared to hold a man to account for misogyny. *That* my friend, is feminism. Not cooking a meal and doing a share of childcare.

      Incidentally, there is no such thing as a 'little misogynistic'. Your click bait article was misogynistic and you've been called out on it.

      Suck it up, and learn from it. It will make you a better writer and person.

  7. After wiping away the tears of mirth, then sadness, then pride, after reading this post and the subsequent comments (you don't need me to confirm which apply to which, do you?), I just had to say:

    What are Metro even doing publishing this shite? Slow news week? Lack of talented writers? Ideas generator broken?

  8. Loved the post Kel, as always. I would say maybe you SHOULD give the guy a chance-based on the theory that MAYBE, just maybe, he might learn from this-and pop him an email over. I'd be interested in reading some kind of apology post he writes.

  9. Comedy gold!

    My favourite bit is how he keeps saying "I'm a nice guy", like it's going to somehow stick by sheer virtue of repetition.

    In my experience, nice guys don't need to remind people that they are nice. It's apparent.


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